I don't get to go on the internet too very ofter but am glad I found this sight. I have been trying to remember the good things without waking up the pain. It has been very difficult but I think it has worked a few times. I feel very guilty about not having been there his very last breath and see him there waiting to die. My Dad had an abdominal aortic aneurism. Last August he had a GI bleed. The doctors told him it was a small one but the next one was going to kill him and he didn't have long to live. My Dad wanted to go home and get his affairs ready and I hired someone to come in and help him as he had numerous medications to take and he was getting weaker because of the blood he lost. My Dad and I lived in separate cities and I have 3 smal kids at home. This one particular night I called him and asked him what he was doing and he said, "I just had Mr.? over from the funeral home and I picked out my coffin and arranged the music and the legionaire tribute and so on." I was mortified. My Dad was a strong man, he just wanted to die at home and when that happened he didn't want anything to fall in my hands to arrange. For the next few months I watched him die as he got more and more weak. He hated taking the pills so we decided if he just wanted to take his pain pills just to keep him comfortable that was all he had to take. The first of November I had to go to Toronto on business, I was in a meeting when my phone rang it was my Dad. He told me that he called the ambulance because he was vomiting blood andhe figured his time was up so he said he called to tell me he loved me and that I was his favorite and that he was very proud of me. I told him I was on the next flight out and he said he would try and hold on to see me one more time. I made it home to find him back home and drinking his cup of tea in his favorite chair. You see they did not have a bed for him and sent him home. Dad was on a waiting list to get into Paliative Care at the hospital. Dad was a veteran so it didn't take long once Dad had come to the conclusion that he would get better care there. From mid November to December when he passed away I had rec'd 9 calls that this was it and I better get to the hospital. Each time I would get there he would be sitting up talking or sleeping. The last week I was there Saturday night and we had spent time with Dad in the TV room and he said that my little brother was going to bring in Dad's dog the next day. We had a good visit. Sunday my little brother sat with Dad. Monday my Mom and my sister (no longer married to him and my sister was not his) went to see him and they said he had ate some fried chicken and had a great day up talking and making fun. Monday night I spoke to him on the phone and he said he had a good day and he loved me very much. I wasn't able to go down on Monday as my husband's grandmother had died over the weekend and we went to her funeral. Tuesday morning I got the call, I rushed down to see my Dad looking like death was on it's way. My step Mom had passed away in 2002 and she had the same look before she passed away. When I got to the hospital my 2 brothers had already got there. They said he had been out of it and was not responding to anything. I went in and sat down beside him and cried like a baby while I was holding his hand. He squeezed my hand a a couple tears rolled down his cheek, he knew I was there. I stayed all week in his room until Saturday, it was my daughter's birthday I had to go home I hadn't seen my kids all week. At 2:00am on Sunday I called and asked if my Dad was OK and they said he was the same and I told her to tell him I would be there first thing in the morning and to tell him I loved him. At 5:15am I got the call that my Dad had took his last breath. I hate to hear the phone ring in the middle of the night. I honestly think he waited until I was gone to die because he didn't want me seeing him like that. I now have a very big guilt that I was not there for him but am trying to put that feeling away I was there when he needed me most. He did not die alone though one of the nurses there was the daughter of a real good friend of my Dad's and she was there when he passed away. I went to my Dad's house after the funeral with my brothers and we packed up a lot of my Dad's things. I brought home his PJ's and his robe. After the funeral I felt so helpless, no more travelling to see Dad no more long distance phone calls, no more Dad. I was having a hard time sleeping, each night at 2am I would wake up and could not go back to sleep I was having a hard time breathing when I layed down so I had to get up. 2:00 was the time my Dad's funeral was. I was having anxiety attacks. Christmas Eve I was still having a hard time sleeping it was nearly 2 weeks since he passed away. I was up again at 2 so I got up and went down stairs and cried non stop. The kids got up at 8am it seemed like forever. My girls are so great and if it were not for them I think I would have probably curled up and died. The was a gift underneath the tree from my Dad, he had given it to me in November and I had forgotten all about it. When my youngest daughter found it with my name on it she passed it to me ever so gently as if it were a rare diamond. I always looked forward to opening my Dad's gifts because they were always so off the wall. This year it was a father and daughter figurine, it made me cry and my girls hugged me so hard. Over the years my Dad got me a meat slicer, a vacuum sealer, a set of wind chimes that were so loud that I remember one night going downstairs outside and throwing them on the ground. I loved his gifts because they were gifts that you would never go out and buy yourself. I would give anything to see his old hen scratching on a gift or card. The year I turned 40 and I didn't receive any flowers from my Dad the first in I don't know how many years. Anyways Christmas night I landed in the hospital the doctors gave me all the usual tests and couldn't find a reason for my shortness of breath and my chest pains. She asked me if I had a family history of heart problems and that is when I broke down in tears and could not stop crying she didn't know what to think until I told her about my Dad. She said that grief can do a lot of weird things to your body and mind. She told me nothing was physically wrong with me and gave me some anti depressants. I did not take them when I found out there was nothing physically wrong with me. That night I slept past 2am I awoke at 4:30am I was so excited that I broke the pattern. I suppose I have said enough tonight, thanksd for all your words of wisdom and thanks for letting me ramble. Take care to all and God bless.

I have loved reading all the posts and gives me comfort that there are a lot of people who are experiencing the same thing as me. I too miss both my parents, still. My mom died 9 years ago from ovarian cancer and my Dad died 6 years ago after a long battle with renal failure and being on dialysis as a result. I cared for both my parents for years while they were ill. We had always been close and saw each other almost every day of my life. The last few years we all lived together while I was working full time, married and raising two boys. I was so busy with everything that I did not have time to stop and think about what was going to happen when they were gone. I miss them terribly every day and wish I would have just stopped and talked for hours on end to them while they were ill instead of doing the laundry, cleaning the house or grocery shopping or cooking. I am thankful I was able to provide them a safe home to live in and never had to place either one in a nursing home. Both boys are now grown and away from home, my husband works out of town a lot and recently my Uncle (my Mom's brother) has moved in with us after having several mini strokes and can no longer live alone. This has brought back the memories of caring for my Mom and Dad and makes me miss them more and more. I still work full time and this was a huge adjustment as my husband & I were just getting used to being empty nesters and had begun taking trips. We have adjusted accordingly and I am thankful once again that I am able to give my Uncle the care he needs without going to a nursing home. Grief can only be dealt on a day to day basis. Sometimes I can handle it and sometimes I just need a good cry. I think about all the great times we had and that makes me happy, but then the grief creeps back in because I can no longer talk to, smile at, laugh with, cry with or hug my parents ever again. My only comfort is knowing I will see them again one day in Heaven and that is what keeps me going day to day.

Thank you both for your responses. Amber i do tell my daughter under no cercumstance is she allowed to disrespect him. She has had her privileges taken way on a monthly base. Usually he is the one who picks the punishment and for how long. Sometimes im not exactly sure what all he takes away. The last time he punished er he took everything away from her. She doesnt have tv computer, netflix, going to movies for over six months. I unfortunately did not heard the punishment, because the day he gave the punishment i was recovering from a bronchoscopy. I thought I had heard him say she can not play on anything he bought, but unfortunately i was wrong. She is banned from everything. She can only play with her toys and read books. My husband has always had my oermission to disciplinw our daughter. I've tried very hard not to step on his toe when it came to punishing her. Even though six months of no electrinics is a pretty tough punishment for an eight year old, i've still stood behind him. She had a project last month and my husband refused to help her because of how she treats him. He feels that she wont fail becausebof her age and will give her a grade for effort. I however feel completly different. School work is not something i am going to say no to. No my husband does not have children of his own. Our daughter is his first shot at being a parent. He goes by how he acted as a child and expects the same way, he was a good obedient kid. Myself, on the other hand, gave my parents a challenge. I didn't do bad things against the law but i gave quite a few gray hairs to my mom. I know he cares about her but even i have doubts. I understand how mean she can be, trust me she hurts me the worst when she gets in one of her moods. However no matter how much she mistreats me,im still her mother. I should always be there for her. He is a dad now and he should also be beside me helping her through this. We have tried sitting down with her and explained the things we would be able to do as a family if only she listened to what we asjed her to do. She seems to behave for a few days and goes back to the same way as before. Unfortunately she is half the time with us and half the time with her bio dad so she gets a break from her punishmebt. When she comes back we have to start all over again. I've tried to explain to my husband she is just a child, usually when ahe is not around, but he doesn't follow. To him he just see an evil kid who will not change. He has even said out loud that if she doesnt change that she will one day be flipping burgers at a fast food joint. Anytime i sit with him and talk about her it's always negative. He doesnt even believe her teacher when we were told how smart she is and how polite and respectful she is. I was evwn stopped by the before and after school care staff last week, on how polite and respectful and willingness to help she was.

There's not just the broken relationship with Dad ... but the complication of having resented brother, as favourite, while growing up ... but with a residue continuing over the years, which was involved with the request/demand that you forgive. Life does get complicated, doesn't it? I rather like the idea of the two chairs, inhabiting each in turn. Sometimes when I have an issue with God, I imagine myself stepping out of my skin, going a short distance away, looking back and asking what response I imagine that God would make. Though we're supposed to respect God unquestioningly, I've suggested to a number of folks that it's O.K. to have issues with God: He/((She) ain't eggs ... She/He won't break when given some rough handling. I hope that you can find/work your way through to a satisfactory resolution to this issue. I hope that you have a trusted friend who is hugely respectful, caring and willing to listen (and who knows how to keep her/his mouth shut not only during ...[ but after, with regard to others, as well]). Sometimes a leader or regular person of faith can be helpful in dealing with such an issue. Good wishes as you proceed on this portion of your life's journey. ole joyful