This has to be very hard on you. In my opinion you need to start your own traditions. You have been very patient by holding off so long. I also have 3 grown daughters and grandchildren. When my girls lived at home we went to both sets of grandparents every holiday. They lived a 4 hour drive from us. When the girls were young they loved it but after they got about 11 or 12 they started to complain. Wanting to stay home. We started doing that and it was my Dad who had the problem with us doing that. He wanted us there regardless. My Mom finally decided Thanksgiving wasn't as important as Christmas to her and said she didn't care that we all (my sisters included) skipped that but Christmas we needed to come home. That worked for a year or two didn't stop the griping from the kids. Then we decided to switch Christmas to the weekend before or after the 25th.
My sisters lived from 10 to 14 hours away. That worked out great for all of us. When my father passed away they all started coming to my house since I was in the "middle".
Now that both of my parents are gone, we all stay home.
I guess what I would like to say is the holidays are important and you have every right to start your own traditions but maybe you could compromise and just take one of the holidays and leave your mother the other one. Take it from me it is very lonely when both of your parents are not around for the holidays. I would be glad to spend both holidays at their house if they were still around to have us. Char

Nita,

Except for the fact that DH and I have no kids, I'm in the same boat with ya!

My parents have been gone for many years, and from 1981 until 1993, I always cooked Thanksgiving dinner for myself and friends. I started dating my husband in 1994, and since then we have had TG dinner at his mom's.

I just turned 40 this fall, and I am tired of being at her beck and call. I want to stay home this year, and cook. I enjoy it and I miss it, and I'm tired of not having any traditions of our own. (It's chaos at her house--it's crowded and fights start, and quite frankly, I am tired of it.) DH is afraid (!!!) that mommie-poo will be mad, but you know, this growing older stuff is kinda fun--b/c I just don't care anymore!

(And yes, we do spend **every** Christmas with her and the screaming hoarde!)

Any suggestions on how to approach this one?

Well, I tell ya, when it got to the point, that I just couldn't do it anymore, that's what I told them! "I can't do this anymore." They understood and those that could make it, did and those that couldn't, didn't. Every year is different. What the family does now is to set a day for the 'whole' family to get together and then the separate families could have their own traditions at their homes on Christmas day. There are just too many of us now and many miles separate some of us, so we make phone calls during the time they are together.

Start your own traditions, Nita. You can't stop change. Your mother should be able to recognize the fact that you have more room. Is there any way she would come to your house and cook something that she makes the best? When we had to switch to my brother's house, my mom went over there and made her chop suey.

Sorry if I sound harsh........just the fact that the family is together and healthy should be enough to be thankful for no matter whose house you're at!

Sharon in FL

I have been very blessed in my married life as my in-laws & my Mother & Dad ( I'm only child & DH has 3 sibblings) all got along, so where to spend holidays was never a problem. ( lived across street from my in-laws for 5+) When we bought our house, I told my mother & MIL that it was time
they were able to relax & enjoy Holidays & I started cooking Thanksgiving & Christmas dinner for all of our family plus any friends they/us invited or happened to drop in. It's worked out great for about 24 years now. Both my Mother, Dad & Father-in-law have passed away over the years, & we have 3 grandkids, plus ones DH brothers/sister.
It's alot of work, but a "work of love" My MIL still makes her "cream pies" & other special items she wants to make.

SInce I posted this, my sister passed at age 50 due to heart failure. I am not sure what I will do on Thanksgiving. This is be the first holiday without her and I don't want to create any further aches. I am leaning on just going to my Mom's house and enduring the cramped space.
Perhaps I can cook and have family members over on Friday or Saturday. They look so forward to our fried turkey!

Mom likes to give a total count of how many people came to her house on a given holiday..and she likes to have people rave over her dishes. SHe'll say things like "I had 27 people total to come over today and everyone eat heartily".
I never count the people...it's like an open house for family and friends....but I don't count them. I think that she wants me to though so that she can see who had the most poeple to stop by. The thing is that I would be content even if only my children, and grandchildren game over. I am not concerned about numbers. Anyway, thanks for sharing what you do. Next year...I intend to start my own family tradition and stick with it. I will visit other family member's homes on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Nita

Nita- Condolences on the loss of your sister...that is a very young age to suffer from heart problems.

I wish you could be as open with her as you have been with us...is that possible? There should be a way for you to suggest you work together as a team. She can "use" your larger, more convenient house to host "her" Thanksgiving. You can show her how great and fast it is to fry a turkey, and then let her set the rest of the menu and be her helper. Get groceries or help her shop for the supplies.
It sounds like she likes to be in control and wants to be the matriarch of the holiday, so why not? Let it be your gift to her and keep the peace. If she is stubborn about this offer, then go with your plan to have a second meal.

We have dinner the night before Thanksgiving at MIL's and then I travel several hundred miles on T-day to go out to eat with my 91 year-old grandmother. It is a long tiring day, but it means everything to her so I will do it as long as I can. My MIL is sweet to have her dinner the day before just for my benefit.

I hope your family can come together on this...life is too short!!!

Karen

So sorry to hear about your sister. Maybe this year you can just kind of fall into what everyone wants and then start anew next time.

I, too, am sorry to hear about your sister. I'm sure you all just need to do whatever you can to get through this time of year supporting one another. Go with what your heart dictates and there will be no regrets.

hugs.....Sharon in FL

Nita, I'm sorry to hear about your sister, and it's very apparent that you are a very caring and loving person. Do what you feel is right for you and hopefully in time your mother will come around to understanding your position. At her age, I would think she would want to enjoy someone else's cooking for a change after her years of cooking but maybe it still brings her great joy. At any rate, you have every right to have your own traditions and have waited a long time to do it. Enjoy!

Since my marriage broke up a couple of years ago (no kids) I've been spending Thanksgiving with friends in Metro DC and Christmas with my parents in Pennsylvania.

We normally spend it at home, which is in the metro DC area, but we are going to Norfolk this year for Thanksgiving. I would prefer being at home though. Christmas will be at home though. :D

i thought one of my sons was coming in before Christmas but now it is going to be in January. I'll be alone another year. When my youngest was alive I had the pleasure of having my granddaughter around. Life seems to get mixed-up at times but we weather it.

Now I have to get busy and get those packages wrapped and ready for shipping.

Well, my MIL called today to ask what time was I serving dinner on Thanksgiving. She said that some of her family members were going out of town and that she didn't want to sit at home alone. I had to tell her that I was still finalizing my plans and that there was the possibility that I would be eating at my Mom's, especially since this is the first holiday after my sister's death. My children indicated today that they want to eat at home. My oldest son's family left a message that they would see me on Thanksgiving, looking forward to the fried and smoked turkey. A nephew, aged 30 who is my Mom's grandson also left the message that he would see me next Thursday. This is so hard and next week is so close! Husband simply tells me that he will support my decision. "I" now want to stay home, Call Mom early on Thanksgiving Day and chat while we both cook, make many visits on Friday and Saturday,and relax on Sunday. Decision has been made. I'll let you know how things worked out. I will announce that on each Thanksgiving Day that my house is "Open House" for dinner, games and fun. Everyone is always invited...just come. This will be the start of my tradition.

Minnie TX...Bless you...I'll be thinking of you and wish that you could join us.

Many thanks to everyone for the condolences and thoughts on how to spend this day. You have all been quite helpful in giving me things to reflect on in making this final decision.

Nita

Nita,

So... how was your Thanksgiving?! I just read the thread today and wonder how everything turned out for you. I think it is perfectly acceptable that you're starting your own tradition and I hope you were able to persuade your mother to join your group?

Let me add my sympathy for the passing of your sister. Somehow a loss during the holiday season always makes the grieving process more stressful for the family.

Julie in Michigan

Julie...it was great. My Mother did come to my house and so did most of the family members. There was no tension at all.
She helped me to cook and we played games and had a great time. It wasn't sad at all even though occasionally we did mention my sister and her not being here. We did not dwell on the conversations regarding her. We knew that if we did that the tears would flow and once the sadness started, that we might be sad for most of the evening. (I think that we all silently thought of her often).

I think that they all understand that I will always have my "Open House" on Thanksgiving Day. I plan to visit those who did not come this weekend and will do so in the years to come. I love to visit others on Friday-Sunday after Thanksgiving. Yes...my tradition has started!

My husband's brother also showed up and he lives about 2 hours away from us. We were not expecting him but it was a pleasant delight to see him and his new wife. This surprise visit also let my Mom and family realize that I do have others (in-laws) to consider on this special day.

I don't normally count but I had about 10 adults, 4 teenagers, and about 7 children under ages 10 years to 16 months. There was plenty of space to socialize, eat and play games in 3 rooms downstairs. It wasn't noisy..the children played well together and there was absolutely no crying. The younger kids did not want to leave at the end of the night. Family members started arriving at 3:15 P.M. and most stayed until after 9:00 P.M.

I took the teenagers, my 3 year old grandson and my Mom home around 10:30 as they wanted to continue playing games. I was tired, (this was 2 different homes and traveling time took about an hour). I went to bed late and slept a lot today (smile). I am quite thrilled at the way that things turned out. Thanks again. Nita

Nita,
Congratulations on a successful Thanksgiving Open House! I'm excited for you that you have such a wonderful day. I can't even picture it--just the IDEA of spending a day with relatives makes me tense!

I hope you took plenty of pictures! A Thanksgiving photo album would be a wonderful thing to have out in future years for the "My, how you've grown!" memories. If this is really going to become a holiday tradition, even a guest book would be nice for everyone to sign their names (including a scribble from the babies--who will love looking back at that when they are older and can REALLY write, LOL).

It is not a "bad" thing to count your guests! It's not a competition, it's just part of being a good hostess! Getting an accurate count (plus their ages) will help you prepare for future open houses so you can plan things like how much food & beverages, what kind of food (to accomodate the tastes of youngsters--who might prefer cookies over pie, for example, and oldsters--who might not like super spicey dishes), the day's activities, etc.

One idea I wish we could use (if we had a FUN family, LOL) is to establish other traditions to go with the Open House. I think a tradition of everyone making a Christmas ornament or craft would be a WONDERFUL! Even people who say that hate crafts will enjoy the opportunity to show how inept they are at glue and glitter! On one of the HGTV shows the other day they showed the rung-side only of an old step ladder wrapped in bright ribbon and leaning against a wall, which would be an excellent place to display the ornaments for everyone to admire throughout the day/evening.

Another thing I can think of would be to divide everyone who is there into groups and give each group an identical bag of Thanksgiving-themed supplies (including scissors for cutting, Elmers Washable School glue, plus spools of ribbon, paper pilgrims, silk flower picks, tooth picks, odd things like rick-rack and paper towel tubes, etc.) and a 10" round styrofoam "disk" thing. Ask each group to make centerpieces (using all the supplies) for the tables. Let someone who arrives late be the "judge" and award prizes to the winning group (like candies wrapped in individual pieces of tulle and tied with ribbon). We've done this in large group situations before and the men seem to enjoy it more than the women! (Though all of them are moaning for duct tape about half way through; what is it with men and their duct tape?!)

Another idea (which my family would hate) is to get autumn colored leaves or turkeys or something cut from cardstock. As everyone comes in, have them write something they are thankful for and hang it on the refrigerator or a bulletin board or some place where there thoughts would be shared with everyone. I'm a firm believer that no one should ever leave empty handed, so you could send them home with a Thanksgiving magnet and their "thankful for" note to hang on their own refrigerator for an everyday reminder.

I sure didn't mean to write you a book, but I am very happy you had such a wonderful day AND got your mother to join you!

Julie (wishing for a fun family gathering---I thought my family was bad, then I got the inlaws from "you know where")