We have a budget that specifies certain line items (e.g., 19,000 for kitchen cabinets) plus has an "allowance and change order" category for any upgrades in materials/installation costs of $28,000. The house we're building is a model from a high end development, though we're building it outside the development next to my son's property. We were able to walk through the model and they pointed out the base versions and upgrade versions, and we added into some line items based on our desires (30%upgrade for the higher grade cabinets based on meeting with cabinet installers, doubled electrical based on the contractor's advice given our preference for lots of lighting) plus my upgrade allowance.The understanding was very clear: they build the line items as specified for the model, and if we want any upgrades we have to pay the difference.

So we (esp DH) felt very clear about what we'd be getting, and that I'd have a reasonable budget to upgrade as needed for tile or other areas that I didn't have a chance to price out exactly (I know, bad move, but unavoidable at the time as I was dealing with mother's critical illness). This contractor does a lot of business with our extended family so DH also felt he is trustworthy in general and took him at his word.

So, I come on the scene now and am trying to get clear information about the base prices so I can decide where I'm going to spend my upgrade allowance versus use their specified materials. And I am having the darndest time getting my hands on this information.

At first I think it is because we have a new Construction Director (first time building in this company) and a new designer who are just trying to figure stuff out (which is true). We decided to go with a different designer as the one the contractor usually works with seemed odd to me - she seemed to want me to make a decision about every finish in the house in an hour! I told her that wouldn't work for me but she wouldn't let me come to the showroom without an appointment (i.e., to look at tile within my price point on my own), or borrow samples to take out to the model without a fuss. The new Director of Construction is a nice guy and he offered to bring in a different designer and we decided to go with her. The contractor agreed to pay her out of the existing costs of the other designer that were already in the contract and said it wouldn't make any difference. So she and the DofC have been trying to get me the broken out budget info so I can figure out my price point for tile so I can stay within budget (maybe picking different tile at the same price point I like better) or know exactly where I'm going above it and why.

Last week out of the blue I was told the tile installation was going to be $21,000. The builders line item for tile PLUS installation is $13,000. The contractor wants the difference to come out of my upgrade allowance, in spite of the fact that I have not even chosen tile yet! And this doesn't include the tile in their budget! This was based on the installer (chosen by the contractor, even though the construction director worried because he knew he had a reputation for being an expensive installer) walking through and pricing installation for the basics in the model. Their basics.

My husband is out of town dealing with his critically ill father (it's been a very rough year). When I pointed out that this is not the agreement - I'm not responsible for their cost overrun if they didn't budget their line items properly - I first got a "there there" response "don't worry, kiddo, you're still in the black." I didn't understand this - of course I'm in the black, I haven't spent anything out of my allowance yet! He followed it up with an email where he lumped together a bunch of different items, and, presto chango, comes out with my only having $6,000 left in my allowance upgrade - again, without having chosen any tile or specifying tile anywhere new.

I emailed back saying he wasn't answering my question - how am responsible for paying their installation costs out of my upgrade when it isn't an upgrade (and doesn't even include tile, which I haven't picked?). This is a fundamental understanding about how the budget works, so if this is wrong we were seriously misinformed. At this point the contractor starts berating me over email, saying I was such a pain about the designer and that he's offended etc (really it wasn't intended to be offensive, just a statement of fact).

My husband now chimes in from Chicago telling him to stop bringing up distractions and answer the question. At this point, the contractor says he hasn't seen the estimate and needs to review.

We have a big meeting scheduled for Tuesday and I'm pretty nervous. Construction costs have gone up since we signed the contract and I know they're sweating that. But I'm not worried about it for their sake - they're the biggest company in town and have tons of work and know exactly what they're doing. What I'm worried about is that they're trying to sneak their costs into my allowance for upgrades. I'm starting to suspect that the other designer helps them do this, while my designer, bless her heart, just kept me fully informed.

We do have a construction loan, so they have an obligation to build the house for what they said they'd build it for. I think. Of course, I wish now we'd priced everything out very specifically.

Any advice on what to say at the big meeting on Tuesday? My goal is to keep calm in the face of what will undoubtably (based on the recent exchange) be a bunch of distractions designed to avoid answering the basic question. I'm scared that they will somehow have the right to take away my allowances to cover their cost overruns on line items. And I'm afraid of having a bad ongoing relationship with the people responsible for building my house.

Thanks for any advice!