What a lovely tribute! I understand how you feel. A tree would be lovely, if the nursing home wants it. What about a bench? That's awfully useful. You might sit down with the administrator or the social worker and ask what they could use, and see what fits into your budget. But if you really want to give back to the nursing home, think about becoming a Friendly Visitor or a volunteer at the nursing home. Your uncle had you to come visit, but many people have no one, or at least no one who comes to visit very often. You might also find a Senior Center near you that would like a volunteer to help with activities. After my mother died at age 95 a year ago, I signed up at our local Alliance on Aging to be a peer counselor, and I visit someone every week, and have been trained to listen and to offer what help I can to seniors dealing with depression or loneliness and other issues. There are so many other people who need your care, and I think your Uncle would like to know that you continue his legacy and treat others With Tender Loving Care. Hugs to you and your family on the loss of your beloved Uncle. There is obviously a lot of love in your family!

Asking questions isn't a problem. But be careful you're not 'putting the cart before the horse'. When positing questions about hypothetical situations, the problem is that the answer is not always placed in context. There are way too many people who do not understand the difference between state laws and federal laws concerning the elderly and inheritance issues, in addition to the separate issues of Medicare vs Medicaid. Because of this, a public forum is only going to be of very general use, which may or may not be applicable in a real-life situation. One important thing most people don't realize is that there is a variety of different types of licensed and unlicensed facilities. True, they fall into certain specific categories - but the legal agreement you sign to get into one facility may be quite different than the legal agreement used by another facility down the street. You can only say that **generally** X follows W, or Y happens before Z, but neither may be true for everyone, depending upon where they live, what their assets are and how they are legally held, whether they have a living spouse or not, etc. Collecting separate little 'factlets' doesn't actually build a correct picture of the complex issues that can surround the elderly. That's the real danger in the hypothetical situations you're trying out - it's glossing over the individual details, but it's the details that are actually are the most important in determining what happens next, or what the available options are. What I'd suggest is that anyone dealing with the elderly should know first of all what the inheritance and estate tax laws are IN THEIR OWN STATE. And they need to stay on top of any changes passed by their State Legislature right up to the day they die. A lot of estate tax law changes are made retroactive to one year prior to the new law's passage date. Then there is the issue of a living spouse. Is it worth doing a division of assets? What if there are children from a previous marriage? Who's got the power of attorney? Who's the agent for the durable healthcare and POLST? How are the assets held - jointly or separately? Is there a formal or informal agreement between siblings to take care of the parents? Is it strong enough a case to be taken to court if necessary? Most importantly, does the person needing care live in a state where the family can be FORCED to pay the facility care costs (22 states in the US have such laws and some are beginning to enforce them)? All this is personal, individualized data that can affect the seemingly simple question of "who pays/who inherits what?" HTH.

Oh my! I understand the roller coaster you're on, garden wench. Mum had a stroke in July 04 and is back home with me, mercifully. It's difficult to watch a parent struggle with things that used to be reasonably simple. It's difficult to be "in charge" of not only care and medical decisions, but finances, as well. Clothing: pull on pants are WONDERFUL! I bought 4 pair of the pull on, stretch cordouroy ones that were in the Lands End catalogue last fall. Mum LOVES them; they wash and wear like a dream, and they fit her well. I had good luck with LL Bean in fall 04, buying slacks in a heavy-weight knit AND buying the coordinating tops, too. Mum has trouble with buttons, so I try to find things that pull over the head and have buttons as a pretty detail, or a pretty neckline/collar. I've had great luck at Eddie Bauer, too... lovely cotton sweaters and stretchy turtlenecks. I generally order 1 of something from a catalogue, once it's been tried on and receives the thumbs up I get right on line and order several. Buy things that will tolerate the industrial laundry service at a nursing home. Mum lives with me, so I am able to spend time with stain removal and the few "handle with care" items she has in her wardrobe. I was trained as a tailor, and I sew for a living. I do all the required alterations myself, saving snippits of the fabric to take with me when I stop by a store. I'm able to match things and get wonderful bargains. I insist that Mum have socks that match her slacks, lol, I insist the woman who helps her bathe use them, too! Mum was very fashionable before her health crashed and I have maintained that aspect of her life for her. She has pretty scarves, nice accessories, and they are all there for the "bath lady" and Mum to peruse and choose. I have patterned things that she likes particularly well, and have made new ones for her in new and exciting fabrics. I have found several stores where the saleshelp is patient and fun. I scout the stores for "good stuff" and then take Mum OUT, we go midweek when things are not very busy; we have a blast. I find shopping for shoes to be particularly trying. She is incredibly fussy, and she has to have "good, sensible shoes". I have to take her shoe shopping again, and I dread it. I take her for a haircut every 4 weeks. She has great hair, and gets a stylish, short haircut (easy to maintain and style), and has her nails trimmed, shaped, and buffed. I refuse to allow her look "shaggy", sloppy, and "old". Even her eyeglasses are fashionable! and we have to address the need for some sunglasses, a new wallet, and a "user friendly" handbag, too. Ugh... The helpmeet is often frustrated by our lack of freedom, too. But he is wonderful with Mum. I get her up in the morning, make sure she's washed and dressed and at the breakfast table. I usually see that she has taken her morning meds. and has her bowl of fresh fruit and a cup of tea/coffee (decaf. only). He takes over and prepares her an egg, pancakes, french toast, etc.. He returns home for lunch and sees that she has lunch with him. I'm home in the afternoon and see that she has a snack, water, and goes outdoors for exercise. I do the lion's share of her care (urostomy changes, and requisite daily maintenace), involving her as much as is practicable, but he is wonderful with her! good humored and patient beyond measure. I have to do her finances tonight, as a matter of fact. It always seems worse than it turns out to be, but it does add an additional 1/2 hr. to what's already been a long day. I understand. Hang in there; you will find a way to make it all work, but it takes time, patience, and sense of humor.

I didn't meant to sound harsh and in re-reading my post and I can see where I did...so I'm sorry. In my nursing home..yes...we all accommodate tours at all times...pop-ins and all...but I also can't tell you how many times people have dropped in and demanded a tour right away...sometimes this does a dis-service to the tour-ee. In other words, if a member of the admissions department or social work department aren't available they are accommodated by members of different departments who often aren't able to answer the questions they may have nor give them any advice. They can end up walking away with incomplete information which can be quite frustrating. It is a fact of life, however, and we (meanng Nursing Home staff) are used to it but it can be a bit frustrating for us sometimes. In a perfect world everyone would make an appointment...but it certainly isn't a perfect world so that's ok. As for the discharge planner giving you that advice...it's common practice. And again, that's ok, too...it says to do that in all of the literature on "how to pick a nursing home", etc. but it's still, in my opinion, not necessarily the best way to go. And although you raise very good points, Fairegold I still strongly disagree about having individuals tour independently without escort. It's a HIPPA issue...a security issue...and a dignity issue. If your loved one was living in a nursing home would you want some crazy person wandering around un-escorted? You never know who can wander in looking around. And although I agree residents LOVE visitors it is the nursing home's responsibility to maintain their safety, privacy, and dignity. A tour can say hello and even stop and chat all they want...they just better have a staff member with them! I stand firm on that issue. Adrienne