I would not worry about the aneurism. In a blunt way of speaking, it's not responsible for a long slow decline. My Dad died of his aneurism at age 93. It goes one of two ways, a sudden burst with is almost instantaneous. Or a leak that causes internal bleeding, which was Dad's case. He passed away in about 24 hours. But he had played 9 holes of golf the day before. And that was a good thing. ;-) The other factors are more likely to be causing her decline. My heart is with you. Mother passed away in December, age 95, of pneumonia. She probably had a lung tumor also, seen in an xray 6 months earlier, but that we decided not to treat. It might have been a factor in the pneumonia. (BTW, Mother never smoked or was around much second hand snmoke in her life.) She also felt like she was failing in the last few months. It all just piles up, I guess. Again, my heart and prayers are with you. Take one day at a time, and make every day count, even if it's just to see a lovely flower, hear a beautiful song or laugh at a good joke. And come here and vent whenever.

Hello, Cindymouse. It's been a while since I've visited this board: we placed my Mother in a nursing home, having lived with us for 12 years. Her dementia, combined with her hearing loss, combined with my needing to help her toilet herself (at all hours of the day, hence losing sleep) made it necessary to finally make that most painful decision. It was likely one of the worst moments of my life, when she awoke that morning...having spent her last night in her own bed. I can still cry if I allow myself. However, it's been about 2 months, and she's very happy where she is, she says her 'nurses' spoil her, she loves the food, plays games, loves the huge bath tub ;-), and altho' she believes she's in a hospital, she's finding much comfort there. AND, a doctor is at the nursing home every afternoon, and on call! I'm not saying it's time to make that decision for your MIL, but don't discount it. Knowing what I know now, I wish we had done it sooner (tho' she wouldn't likely have agreed), when she could participate more, and have nice visits with other residents. Although my dear hubby always said he's care for her if I went out (in fact he tried to shoost me out for my mental and physical breaks), I just couldn't feature her wanting him to tidy her up in the washroom etc. Our lives were at a stand-still....we were home-bound. At least I was. And I wanted our remaining years, however many God would grant us, to be spend doing some of the things we wanted to do together in our retirement. I know Mom would have wanted that for us, too. Dementia is a strange animal. One day our loved ones seem just fine, the next day they can barely manage a spoon! But they do regress: for example, my Mom believes our kids are in school (they're 30, and 26!). Some days I'm her sister. Her emotions run the gammut, too...from tears, to sheer joy. Some days she knows she's "not too well", other days each minute is new to her, and the same questions are asked. It can be difficult. One thing I learned: don't try to correct them. If it's windy outside, then it is. If her Mother (mine is 91!) visited yesterday, then she did. My best advice is: smile and nod. And don't let their telling you how to run your life/kids/dinners/laundry/gardening etc get to you personally. It becomes as much part of the disease as forgetfulness. Read as much as you can about Alzeimers; my Mother stalled her condition for many years taking Aricept, but when it finally had no affect on her, her Alz came in one big rush instead of gradually thru the years. I'm happy to have had more 'reasonable' years with her on that medication, even tho' the last 6 months took her from us. You have a life, too, with your husband, your family...I'm sure you're a good daughter-in-law, and you'll do what's right for all of you. But there MAY come a time when some sacrifices are just too much...and you and your DH must weigh your options. I would also suggest you and/or your DH have Power of Attorney for her health decisions (and that you know what she wants) and for her financial ones. These will be most important in the future. Blessings Linda

Ah, MILs! I actually don't have a complaint about my MIL. She lives in another country (probably part of the success of our relationship) and is a very sweet person. You don't hear many husbands complaining on message boards about their MILs, but I imagine my DH would have a lot to say. He told me this year (now 6 years into our marriage) that he almost didn't ask me to marry him because of my mother, who is controlling and narcissistic. I can't say I blame him, in retrospect. My mom would hug everyone in the room goodbye and shake his hand. She wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday (on my birthday) and asked if DH (then my fiance) could pay for himself if he wanted to join us (he said, thanks, but no thanks, as did I). When DH and I (thankfully) moved to a different state nearby so he could pursue a business opportunity, my mom told me she thought he wanted to move away specifically to take ME away from HER. She has made all manner of rude comments and controlling efforts in his direction over the years. When I gave birth, she made a rude comment to my OB about DH (he was out of the room at that time, but I was there, laboring away). My DH remains polite and dislikes her so much he cannot bring himself to speak much to her when she visits. It's very clear where things stand. And yet, she still WANTS to come visit and tries to make me feel guilty she's not here more regularly. Her extraordinary capacity to deny reality (and believe that she's a "damn good" mother-in-law) amazes me! MILs out there, remember that if we could hear the other side of the story, it might appear far different than you think. You may have an uncommunicative son/daughter, but for all you know, your child's spouse nags them to call you. My husband has a fine set of parents (certainly they have their faults), but I regularly tell him to call them. How to bridge the gap between son and parents once he is married, I don't know, as my son is only 3. My brother is not yet married (although he already barely speaks to my mother and not at all to my father). My plan is to build a life of my own and not rely on my children to emotionally support me when I am old. It's a gift. I have no wish to be the emotional lifeline for my parents (yet admittedly, I already am for my father, who has no friends and no family, so I know what I'm talking about). I hope i am never one of those mothers inducing guilt because their son doesn't call or visit enough. I figure, it will be his choice. You can't force people to do things. I have been "guilt-tripped" into doing things for my own mother, and it only makes me want to run away. Plus, importantly, young people in their 20's/early 30's may still be discovering who they are apart from their parents. It may be important to them at this time to maintain more of a distance (certainly not always true, but in my case, this was true). If they go on to have children, I find that is typically when families may start to "reconnect" and the value of extended family is better understood by the new parent. Again, not always the case, but certainly true in mine. My mother now focuses all her controlling and needy love on my son, which is fine by me. He adores her. They are very close at this stage in his life (we'll see once he gains more independence), and I'm now expecting a girl which is exciting for all, particularly my mother.

Hello hamsteve I'm new at this forum, but I just read what you submitted on April 18th about your stepdaughter. The situation that my husband and I are currently going through is very similar to yours. I met my husband when my son was 4 years old.. He and I have raised him with very little help financially from his biodad. His biodad was ordered to pay $30.00 per week when my son was born based on the salary he was making at the time. His support has never been increased and so my husband and I have carried the brunt of it all.. my husband has also carried our son on his medical plan through work his entire life thus far. My husband and I decided from the beginning that we thought it would be best for me to be a stay at home mom and so actually my husband has been our sole provider, fulfilling my son's every need... financially, emotionally, etc. etc. Since I did stay home, I sacrificed a lot for my son by not being in the work force and so on ,and besides that, my whole life became my son. I have allowed my son to have a relationship with his biodad because I felt it was best for him, and so I would send him to visit on an every other weekend basis and even the last few years since my son became older, I've allowed him to go on summer vacations with his biodad and family. My son's biodad has since married and has three children with his wife-- two biological and one adopted. They've been living on (from what I here) a $120,000 income for quite some time and live a nice lifestyle. Also, my son's biodad has recently discovered that he also has a 23 yr old son that he didn't know existed. They've used this young man to lure our son because they know that he has no siblings in our home. So yes, he is also our only child. We've been unable to conceive and have a child together. So this makes this whole thing doubly hard. Anyway, to make a long story short, our son has decided to move out of our home and to move in with his biodad and stepmother and siblings there in Kentucky. We live about 2 hours away in Ohio. We are very hurt and feel betrayed almost. Really, we're devastated. We feel we were very good parents and we don't understand his reasoning for this decision, especially based on his biodad's track record. Our relationship with our son's biodad and stepmom has been very distant, but civil when necessary up until our son turned about 14. We found out that they were telling him that he was old enough to make a decision to move in with them and that their home was open to him if he decided to. This went on all during our son's high school years. Then, as our son became closer to turning 18 and becoming an adult, their "manipulations" became a lot worse. Just last Christmas, our son's stepmom began emailing him and saying very negative things about me and saying things to him to try to undermine my role as his mother, such as "when I was 16, I didn't have to answer to my parents and I could make my own decisions. You need to start making your own decisions without consulting your mom about everything." Every email was written to cut me up and down. They began ridiculing and poking fun at our parental choices involving him. It just became very difficult and painful. I almost feel like they've brainwashed our son. I can only hope that this is a phase or part of growing up that your stepdaughter and my son have to experience and that everything will work out in time. I feel your pain and I want you to know that you and your wife aren't alone. We'll be praying for you as I hope you'll pray for us. You can read my full story..it's under hurtinmom38.