We are dealing with my father who has had signs of vascular dementia for a few years as in being forgetful. He has some health issues which has landed him the hospital with an infection in his leg which traveled through his blood stream. He has been so weak, he can no longer walk and get to the toilet without assistance. Up to a day ago, he had a pick line with antibiotics still. He was sent to a rehab hospital where he refused medication, refused rehab and pulled out his pickline. He wants to go home, but my mom can not care for him at home. He was discharged to a skilled nursing center with an excellent rehab facility on Friday night and we have hired Home Instead to have people sit with him at night. He is extremely angry, uncooperative, threatening to take us all to court because he wants home care at home. He is cussing out the Home Instead people at night and calling us at all hours of the night asking why he is there and is unable to hear any logic due to paranoia(we are all out to get him) and/or stubbornness, but until he starts cooperating, it's hard to get him home. Such a catch22. Just looking for advice. I live out of town and for the last few weeks, I have been going up to support them, but it is wearying. Not sure if this is dementia or he is just being self absorbed.

Hi, this is my first time on this forum. From the posts I have read, I know I will benefit from it and have a chance to laugh as I read my about life in someone else's story. I am the primary caregiver for my dad and mom, who are 87 and 85, respectively. Both suffer with dementia. My dad, however, presents the symptoms of sundowner syndrome and possibly early stages of alzheimer's. I have never known Dad to sleep for more than five or six hours before being ready to take on another day. Dad lost about 95% of his vision upon waking about a month after having a stroke five years ago. I guess within the last couple of years, Dad has had to sleep with a light so that he can get his bearings if he awakens during the night. Mom would complain and complain and complain (like your mom) about Dad getting up all through the night, and he would have no recollection of it. That would be the topic of the day-long argument. My mom likes to retire around 8:00 or 8:30 pm. and Dad still likes to wait until the 10:00 o'clock news is off. Mom forces Dad to go to bed when she's ready, and he has to comply because his sense of direction is lacking. Well, my sister (who is as restless as Dad)moved in with them for about six months. There were several occasions when Dad would get up, dress himself (often his clothes were on backward/shoes on the wrong feet), and start walking out of the door in the middle of the night. Because of his inability to see and having gone to bed so early, Dad would think it was time to get up. So, she would have to direct him back to his room and try to convince Dad to redress in his pajamas. Sometimes the only way he would go back to bed is if she would call me to come and talk to him. After my sister moved out, I moved in with them. Big mistake for my sake(I'll explain later), but I was able to understand the needs of both my parents a lot more. My dad and I have been great friends for as long as I can remember. (Mind you, I respected him as my dad, but experienced the love of my gentle giant.)During the night, my Dad continued to get up and insist on getting dressed to go outside or to work. To get someone to assist him with his clothing, Dad would also bang on the walls, windows, and/or bedposts to get our attention. We would be up two or three times per night...arguing! I would tell Dad he needed to go back to bed. He would tell me, "I'm not going back to bed, and you can't make me." Dad would get angry with me and would adamantly state that it was daytime and he needed to get up. Sometimes, Dad would even ransack his room. Usually, an hour or two had passed since he'd gone to bed. After a few words between us, he would lie down and, then, start having a conversation with himself about how badly I'd treated him. His discourse would often include, "I can't believe my own daughter would treat me that way." His "monologues" were audible, whether I was trying to sleep on the floor in the next room or on the couch in the living room. Then, he would usually go to sleep around 6:00 am and try to sleep until noon. When he arose, I would tell him about our argument, and, poor Pops had no recollection of it. I asked his doctor if it were okay to give Dad an over-the-counter sleep aid. He gladly gave me permission. Dad slept peacefully for about two nights, but the cycle of usually three consecutive nights of being up all night began again. Actually, he became more hostile when he took the sleep aid. By the way, I also tried keeping him up until at least 11:00 pm, but to no avail. Not letting him sleep in didn't stop him from staying up all night. Even changing his diet, i.e. replacing his glass of tea for dinner with water and eliminating dessert didn't help. So, while I stayed there, I had to be aware of the timing of his cycles and the patterns that would lead up to the sleepless nights. I finally had to move out for my own sake. Because I was not sleeping/resting at night and had to provide care for Dad all day with no downtime, I began to suffer with seizures and was at high risk of having a stroke. Hope this was not too long. I just want you to know you are not alone!

Lenvt, I have to agree with the other posters. From your description, there doesn't seem to be any compelling reason for your mom to be moved into the memory care unit. If she's not incontinent and can do word puzzles and enjoys watching TV, why move her into a special care unit? You say that the facility is starting up a new memory care unit. My guess is that your mom will provide a guaranteed & immediate resident in the new unit, one they won't have to spend marketing time & money for. I do know that in my state (California) once a diagnoses of dementia has been made, AL residents must be moved to a memory care unit. So, if there is a diagnoses, you may not have a choice. However, before letting your mom move, you might want to take her to her primary care physician for an updated evaluation. Explain the situation to him. He might even be able to revise an earlier evaluation or explain that she has some diminished capabilities but is not fully incapacitated and needing memory care housing at this time. My experience was similar to what you're facing. My mom's AL felt she was ready for the special care unit, although she was doing OK in AL. He best friend from AL was moving there too. So I stupidly went ahead with their judgment. They assured me that she'd thrive in her new environment and there'd be a lot more hands on care. Long story short, my mother never adjusted. The change was too much and her capabilities declined even more quickly. Eventually she came to live with us for a while. That was a disaster too. I finally found another assisted living/memory care facility for her. She went through the evaluations and was placed in the AL unit. She's been there a year now. I know that she might eventually have to be placed in the memory care unit, but as long as she can function in AL, I want to leave her alone. I've spoken with the staff too and they feel the same way. As far as I'm concerned, moving to memory care should not be an option unless there are very real compelling reasons. Your mom just doesn't seem to fit the criteria at this time. Take your time, investigate, and don't let yourself be bullied. Tell the facility that you're making doctor appointments for re-evaluation. Ask to see any records they have of your mother's physical & mental state. Discuss with your sister your fears and concerns. And then be sure to let the doctor know about them too. Good luck. I know this is hard for you.

Hi, my husband informed me that I should do a search engine simple search for "Dealing with husbands dementia" as he did it for me this morning. My father has been diagnosed with a SEVERE case of Dimentia, we don't know yet if they will label it with an Alzheimers tag. His behaviors are very much the same as the first lady in the string that we are replying to. He drives perfectly, obeying traffic lights, stop signs, etc, never getting close to the curb or swerving into traffic. He also knows where he is going, can take us to Kmart or the grocery store, drive to church, mother is sure that he could drive back to the old farmhouses that we used to live all of his life. Of course, mother is with him always when he is in the car, and thus far we have never seen signs that he doesn't know what he is doing. On with the show... Dad has a soft side and a mean side, with major anger issues. I have personally witnessed many many times in the past where he has hurt her physically, slapping her, knocking her across the head with his fist, poking her with his cane... ARGH!!!! and none of us kids can do anything about it because she doesn't want for us to confront him and "cause trouble"... He constantly bashes her mentally, verbally, controls every move that she makes, (trust me, I've been begging her for years to leave him while he was still at least had his mind with him but the threat was always there that he would kill her if she left him)... of course, she is the Christian woman that her mother raised her to be, and believes that SHE is the one who must care for him, and carry this burden alone. Her 4 adult children disagree, and are bringing her around to see our point of view slowly but surely (lord willing)... She does almost everything, offers to help bring in wood for the stove, shovel, etc.. he is 80 next month and she is 73 in April. She has all of her functions (besides having lost her right breast to cancer 6 years ago). Both have Hypertension, and both have diabetes type B. Oral meds. Dad's current condition. Yesterday, mother was to go to quilting circle at her church, a regular Wednesday morning meeting... He knew she was going to go, he is ok at the house himself, he does set a few things down and forget where they are, but it's mainly that he wants mother to run around after him (or so we think).. I guess he's trying to keep her out of trouble.. haha. In the morning, he was very agitated, and she offered not to go, when this happens, he starts yelling at her and telling her that she HAS to leave and go, and that he doesn't want her here, and doesn't want to talk to her, and that he is going to be gone.. "I'm LEAVING" and then will say something to the affect of and I'm just going to be GONE, meaning he is contemplating removing himself permanently from life. We the children have been telling mother that she is much faster than him, and if she would just stay a few feet away from him rather than trying to get close to him to calm him after he has said these things, that maybe she could try going in another room that he can still see her in, she would be THERE but not really THERE on top of him. I begged her 4 times to get back away from him and help me in the kitchen, but she said she saw in his eyes that he was contemplating something bad so she kept going back to him and apologizing for everything she did and everything under the sun to try to calm him down. Instead, he just becomes MORE agitated, and then he becomes aggressive. He said he was going to kill her, and himself, and then goes to stand and leave the room, but she tried to block him leaving, and he Shoved her out of the way. I was close by and saw everything, and since he got up aggressively, I anticipated that he was going for the gun. I called 911, but he heard me, and came out into the other room where I was calling from, and said I was next. Then he went outside, like he always does, and was messing around in the garage when the police came. 5 cars, 5 cops, all very nice, I told them to act friendly, and like there was not any problem, and see what happened, but know that he has always put down women, and he is buddies with all guys. (the brothers have it good....) The police came in, said he was talking, nicely, and not agitated, but that they couldn't understand anything he was saying. He speaks his own language. Like babies before they learn to talk, I had twins, who spoke their own language to each other but nobody could understand them. I'm home from Colorado for this exact reason. I've been staying in their guest room 2 doors down from them for almost every night and day for the past little over a month. My younger brother who is a tremendous help to them, and lives only a few minutes from town is available for her to call, and can get to her within less than 30 minutes if called in a panic. I did not feel it right for me to return home until my brother returns from Atlanta and is able to assist again. He needs only come over and visit with dad for sometimes a few minutes to often times several hours. I don't feel mother is safe without someone being able to get her quickly. The police were told of the threats, and said that because there is also a weapon in the home and was used as part of the threat (though he never went to go get it in his hand) that they automatically must take the person in question to the hospital for an evaluation for a minimum of 2 days. They gave us the option of going and signing temporary committal papers so that they could get him placed in a hospital. Mother said no immediately, but the police officer said if they find that he needs to be checked out and evaluated, that the doctor and nurse would sign the papers for us, so we could agree, or agree to disagree, but he was going. The hospital worked fervently to find a place for him, but we had 6 No answers before someone accepted him 3 hours away, and 4 hours after arriving there. Every time mother and I or either one of us alone would enter the room, he would become immediately agitated, shoots daggers with his eyes, (well, she's unhappy that I just said that, so I told her I would say giving her the stink eye instead..) at least I got a laugh out of her just now.. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED :) So far he has been most excellent to all health care providers and police, and has caused no negative issues or comments from any of them. Today, the doctor called who is over him during this stay, and told us of the SEVERE Dimentia diagnosis. She said not even mild or moderate, but she needed to inform us of the SEVERITY of the situation. Mother freaked and started crying right away, she said "I WANT HIM HERE"... and our goal is to actually just see if they can mess with his medications a little so that he can have relief from some of his symptoms, but not be in a completely vegetative state where her work with him is even harder than it's always been. We also have discovered in talking and comparing notes, that he has been experiencing symptoms a little at a time over probably 2 to 4 years before the past 2 years, but the past 2 years have been the biggest problem. Mother retired from her job and stays home with him now.. that just brought a break through, and we figured out that he has been unhappy with her working the whole 6 years she was at her job she had problems with leaving for work because of him. Dad's mother was always kind of crazy... She had a horrible case of dementia as well, and suffered for over 10 years with it never knowing any of our names, and always thinking that she needed to pack to go "HOME" which would have been her childhood home, not the home she was in prior to living with them here. Grandma was violent enough that she could throw mother down the stairs, and she was 88. I have great patience for older people, and those suffering from mental illnesses, but I don't do well with violence, as I came from an abusive marriage before my current. We were told today by the doctor that he would HAVE to quit driving to come home, and she asked what kind of thing does he do around the house. Since he was always a TV repair man, and a Farmer all of his life, those are the things that he knows the best, and can do without thinking about them. She said it's his long term memory working in the background, but that he is not actually capable of KNOWING full well what he is doing and being able to do it. I told her that I believe he is perfectly capable of driving a car wherever, but that driving requires dexterity and mobility and flexibility, none of which he possesses. He has bad problems with arthritis, his hands and feet swell because of diabetes, and he has no feeling in 2 of his fingers on both hands & feet because of the diabetic nerve pain as well as frost bite over the many years. When he gets a little warmer after coming inside from shoveling, his nerves shoot pain as they warm (I have it too from delivering mail for 9 years) but the pain always comes, and is constant. I always refer to it as feeling as if your hands and feet and face are being held over a raging fire 24 x 7 x 365. This is a MAJOR CONCERN. Because dad doesn't vocalize well, he does talk about a great many subjects, but nobody understands what he is saying and can follow along, or what he is talking about at all, unless they have spent all day every day with him, knowing the things that go on in his life day to day so they can follow and TRY to decipher what he is saying. If we don't agree with him, or understand him, he becomes immediately agitated and then just starts saying the same thing over and over and over again, giving hand gestures, and trying in his best way to describe what he just said, but we are STUPID and EVIL and HORRIBLE and mother was never so bad up until 3 years ago when she suddenly became this terrible person he says she is. (which she ISNT)... As I said before, he does have a good side, and many times quite a few days since I have been here in the past month, I have witnessed lots and LOTS of words of kindness maybe not directly to her all of the time, but to me, in front of her about her what a good woman she is, and a great wife, and he really has a good one (he says).. Mother's definition of abuse is much different than mine. As well as her definition of suicidal tendencies. She told the nurses in the ER that he is only suicidal maybe once every 2 weeks, but I have witnessed many comments that were talking of killing himself approximately 3 times a week every week I've been here. I told her that they cannot help him unless they know the truth, and they need to know the true answers. I told them twice a week, sometimes more. Doc says he has to have all saws, and anything else dangerous in the house that he could get harmed with even by accident. Obviously that doesn't mean he has to live in a padded cell, but that obvious things that he shouldn't be doing anymore must be dealt with before she will allow him to come home. Mother is devastated, and is already worried about the way he will behave once he is home, but now we also have to deal with the issue of no driving and no saws and no chain saws, etc.. He will be livid. My brother won't yet be home and it will be mother and I to save ourselves. I do NOT recommend lying to your husband if you are still reading, and telling him that the State wants to take his license. Though the doctor is telling you he doesn't need to be driving anymore, have the doctor be the "Fall Guy".. they will be more than willing to break the bad news so that YOU are not the target. This doctor offered before I asked. I said we need to talk about it, and try to wrap mother's head around the idea before they start giving him restrictions. He hasn't made a fuss for them yet, but we're kind of afraid for what could happen as we know he is capable of causing a problem. We don't want him to have a heart attack in the meantime, and we want him at home to care for, as that's what our families have all done for each other (unless someone breaks a hip or something and cannot have them at home)... She slept last night from 9 to 7 am straight through, the best she has slept in years. AS you can imagine, that caused problems first thing this morning for her, she felt guilty for being able to sleep at all let alone sleep the whole night. She feels that she has FAILED her husband, and my remark to that statement is that what she is doing now by getting him the help that he needs is what "taking care of him" is all about... if she had NOT aided in getting him this care, THEN she would have failed him. Over and out for now... Signed, Longwinded from Iowa Good luck everyone, please keep pouring your hearts out to everyone who will listen. Take the good advice, leave what doesn't pertain to you, and lean on others. Look for your 5 most important people and make them your prayer partners, start prayer chains, let others be aware of your feelings, take care of YOU so that you can take care of them (my hubby had a traumatic brain injury a couple years ago and was hospitalized for exactly a month losing 48 lbs in 3 weeks because he wouldn't eat or do anything for anyone) he would have been institutionalized but I cried over him and he came out of his state a couple of times. I told him what they were planning for him and he FINALLY started coming around. But only when I was broken down over his lap and for short times (but it opened the door to healing)