Quality of file was always my main goal for my mother. Her death certificate says she died of lung cancer! Her oncologist confirmed to me that the cervical cancer she had about 14 years previously, 40 plus years of HRT, had spread to just outside her stomach and then to her lung. And yes the oncologist said that many years of estrogen probably did have a lot to do with the cervical cancer. My mother was a heave smoker so the hospice people just put down lung cancer. My father and sister went along with it and at that point I was just to tired to argue anymore. They forced mom to quit smoking 4 months before she died and my attitude was that it was just cruel. At that point what difference did it make. I just wanted her to be as comfortable as possible and if smoking helped so be it. Even her doctor said he didn't have a problem with her smoking. They went on and on about how they should have made her quit. I tried endlessly to explain it was never their responsibility to make her do anything and finally just gave up. Looking back I am fairly sure my mother knew she was sick the 2 years before diagnosis but she chose not to do anything about it. She told me that after the first cancer if it ever came back she wouldn't do anything about it. Mom was 81 and in the end she died in her own bed in her own house just like she wanted. Thankfully she didn't have any pain, non at all. But the whole experience could have been much easier for her, and me, if I wouldn't have had to fight family on so many issues. They just couldn't get it around theirs heads that she didn't really want to eat or drink anything and again tried to force the issue. I finally had to have a total screaming fit with my family because my mother was just crying about how they wouldn't leave her alone. I kept having to tell them that it was not about them and what they wanted it was all about mom and what would make it easier for her. It was not a day I ever want to repeat. Our first hospice nurse actually told my father that she didn't see anything wrong with my mother and if she would just get up and walk to get her strength back she would be fine! My question was what part of stage 3 cancer didn't she understand. Needless to say she never came back. In some ways hospice made it harder. The next nurse came in everyday and told my mother she was dying. I ask her to stop because mom was so confused she would forget she was sick. Again I thought it was cruel. Finally the third nurse was a keeper. She was wonderful with my mother and really helped my father cope with everything. Sorry about the rant but just today my father again said if only he had made her quit!! It will be 3 years on the 27th and it's been a hard week for me. I still miss her so much. Claudia

HOME HEALTH CARE - this is a service that can also be provided by a home health care agency AND PAID FOR BY MEDICARE....Mom had that for several years, however, it is very limited in what they provide. When she had that level (home health care paid for by Medicare) she was still able to get around with a Scooter, feed herself, use the toilet; as her abilities declined and after a ten day hospitalization with massive bladder, kidney and lung infections, her urologist stated that we needed to consider Hospice care. I contacted the agency we use (Heartland) to ask what the requirements were....did it mean six months to live? They told me NO, you needed to have an incurable condition - they told me they had folks who had been clients for more than five years. I am in Texas - you may find it different in your state, but Medicare did pay for home health services for several years prior to hospice; the rules may have changed on home health care since she has gone to hospice. If you have a loved one needing more care than the family can provide, your best bet is to simply call one of the agencies in your area that provide HOME HEALTH CARE and HOSPICE CARE. Ask them what qualifications you need to be accepted. Once you know if you qualify for either one, then ask them what the regulations are regarding care....that is your best bet. Carolyn who is now dealing with a 95 year old father who is feeling guilty over putting wife of 71 years in a nursing hom; Mom aged 91 who cannot do ANYTHING for herself, and who has some dementia and DH age 58 who is fighting esophageal cancer. Does anyone have the timetable for when I am allowed to have my nervous breakdown?

Lynn, I feel for you -- I was in a similar position less that two years ago. My dad was in the hospital when my mom passed. He went in and out of the hospital twice more before being put into hospice. Graywings, this is neither the time nor the place to discuss the pros and cons of hospice care or even the extent to which insurance dictates treaments and medication choices. Let's save that for other discussions and give justgottabeme our support. Justgottabeme, I think the choice to accept hospice must be a very difficult thing. I know it hit my dad and me like a ton of bricks, but he accepted it the first time the doctor suggested it. Truth is that he was already in the early stage of dying when we went into the ER that last time. He was in heart failure, kidney failure and liver failure. As he went into hospice, he accepted help he hadn't before and the meds they gave him in the hospital seemed to kick in. He rallied for a bit. While he was in the hospital and ICU, the nurses didn't say it, but they didn't deny it when I told them what I was reading between the lines was that he might not make it home. Whatever was behind that rally, he did make it home, he got a visit from two of my cousins (their mother and his sister passed about a month before my mom and he had not been able to see her or to attend the funeral). They cooked for him the way their mother and his had made things. He loved it. He got to visit with lots of family and friends, call others and reach out. Most importantly, he got a chance to meet with people and get a veteran's memorial stirred up and moving -- it had been a struggling effort for 7 years. It got moving and the statue was dedicated last November on Veterans Day -- just over 6 months after he passed. He was able to go over things with me so he was assured I could follow his final wishes. One of those may have changed another life. He had almost a month and so much that was important and meaningful happened in that time. And he was definitey more comfortable being at home. He never gave up -- but he did accept more help, including a group of firemen to help move him from his wheelchair to the bed the last time he made that move. The head of that crew knew my nephew, who is also a firefighter, and he knew many folks in the volunteer fire department my dad and brother helped start. I was so afraid my dad would be embarrassed and angry, but he was comforted by their assistance and delighted in the memories. As said above, hospice may be the most life affirming choice. How can each day be a gift if you are in a strange place or in agony? I hope Jeannie and her family will have positives to reflect on too.

I know my posting doesn't matter to anyone, and that's ok. Just wanted to send you a hug and let you know, along with a lot of others, how sorry I am. I could have almost written your posting several years ago. Everything you wrote pretty much fit my DH. He was only 57 when we lost him. He was a workaholic and always put off going to the Dr., etc. When he was finally forced to go, it was too late. He did go through the Radiation, meds, etc., for almost 2 years before he left us. Please, everyone....please....get your DH, brothers, sons, male friends, etc., to have this Medical checkup. It is not just an old man's disease, like some seem to think, either. It is a curable type of cancer if caught early. Saying prayers for Jasdip and family for comfort and coping....and all who have gone through the beating that Cancer does to us. A couple of Widow/Widower sites help me a lot. They are out there, if you need them. They helped me to accept that it doesn't get better...but does get easier with time. Hugs.