Realitykraft, one line in your post has me concerned: "She treats the woman who lives with her almost like a servant even though she is actually a friend." Makes me wonder how she'll treat YOU! My Mother lived with us for just over 12 years; we went from a joyful Mom, full of wit and humour to a Mom who barely recognizes me now. We just placed her in a nursing home because it became impossible for me to leave the house or get thru a full nights' sleep, as she needed bathroom care each time she used it. (which became often) I don't want to discourage you, but you're so young, you will have a new marriage with its own inherent adjustment time and having your MIL move in with you will add stress to the mix you'd never anticipate. IF this is the only solution, then the absolute FIRST thing to do is get Power of Attorney for her health! If a snap decision is to be made on her behalf, then you or your DH must be able to make those decisions for her. Secondly, you must get home-care in each day to attend to her daily needs, shower her or assist her (or BE THERE if she falls), take her for a walk, etc, etc. Also, get her assessed for dementia; if that's starting, yes the "fun" has just begun. She may require additional meds, or even a physiotherapist to assess your apt (no loose rugs, handrails in the shower, etc). They merely make suggestions, so don't worry about that, it's just for your own peace of mind. Also: you must allow her a piece or two of her favourite furniture, likely a chair she usually sits in at home, into your apartment. It probably won't "fit" with your decor, but even in the nursing home, each resident has their own rocker/recliner/glider brought in from home. This really helps. If her bedroom is large enough to accommodate it, then place it there for her to watch her own tv shows. I know she'll have new bedding and linens, but her own pillow is important, and a blanket she's familiar with. Also her own pictures from her bedroom at home, or chatchkis, or photos for her walls. The transition shouldn't be a shock to her...it should be made gently. Once again, I imagine she'll be alone in the apartment during the day...does she like to read (large print magazines, books, perhaps would help), does she knit or have a craft to occupy her time? My Mom loved those word-search books while watching tv, or even doing a puzzle with larger pieces, like 24 count-puzzles, etc. If she has dementia, she'll need a care-giver or even meals-on-wheels for her lunch time. This will be a big responsibility for you and your new DH. Sometimes siblings drop from sight, thinking she's cared for and they can neglect seeing her as often. Negotiate visits so they start right away. Make sure her friends keep in touch by phone or visits. You WILL turn into a chauffeur for all her appointments. If we haven't discouraged you, and you plan to go ahead with the move, then all the very best to the three of you! There will be good and bad times, and you will instantly have a "child" to care for. Take our advice: we've all been there/done that, or are still caring for someone we love. Move slowly, but get assistance in place immediately, esp POA for her health. You don't need to call everyone and negotiate treatment for her if it's an emergency, right? Take care, and remember we're here when you need us! Blessings Linda

Take one day at a time and start a journal/notebook with ideas. Are their additional senior units just as nice, but cheaper? What about medical? Does she have her own insurance? Are these assisted living with lots of activities? Out AL units have apt, eat in or in dining room, exercise areas, bus trips etc. Will she want to spend lot of time with you? Does she make friends easy? Can you and your spouse talk to her about daily things? Will she listen? Are their children involved? Can you travel by yourselves for a trip or will she expect you to take her part of the time--all the time. Start out with lists of pro-con. Be prepared to change ideas. Are their Senior Citizen's groups. Churches? And above all get all the permissions papers signed. If she does take ill, who will make sure she gets medical aid, and without papers signed, no one can do anything. Council on aging and senior centers can help but a good medical staff at a large hospital will help more. Someone needs to sign for getting information from insurance companies and Social Security. You are wise to prepare yourselves. Good luck marie

We made it home Wednesday evening. The truck is still packed to the gills as it has been pouring rain and this morning i fought snow flakes the size of fifty cent pieces. I don't want to risk her furniture getting water marks on it so we slowed down to wait out the storm. We are going through boxes that made it here via cars. The truck is parked at DD's house as it is too large for my driveway. The weather is supposed to clear by tomorrow so I have reserved a 10' truck to make smaller loads to my house/storage. MIL's car broke down on the way here. The altinator went out and all oh her DH's paintings were in the trunk and we had to transfer them on the side of the freeway at night. I'm getting ready to drive to Sacramento to pick it up this afternoon. My SIL gave me the worse cold I have had in years. Head and chest cold. Ugh. I'm tired. The good news? MIL told me she didn't miss her house at all this morning. There is so much stuff coming and that scares me. Lol.

Such great questions! Glad to get you thinking! Yes, breezeway is becoming a must I do think it's the best way to connect to the main house. As such, you really need to keep the area that's now the bathroom "open" to the breezeway ... otherwise, what's the point? The land is flat towards the gardens So you could have doors /patios on any side. The back door questions are also tricky, because she is showing signs of dementia That's scary. Is it possible to wire a doorbell into your house so that when she opens the door, you know? She suffers from kidney failure along with the possible mental decline, and she's 81 now, so you are right, I guess a wheelchair is unlikely, I'm so silly... Kidney failure is scary stuff ... how does that stack up against potential wheelchair use? Yes, stove must stay And it stays in place. Okay. Yes, one bathroom is fine. I did ask if she wanted a bathtub, but she preferred a shower. Need to add a seat...built in maybe? Practical. -Her bedroom right now has an old fashioned 'double' bed, a large armoire, two 'highboy' dressers, a loveseat, a blanket chest and a vanity table. Whew! Mostly, I think she likes to have her clothes and accoutrements around her, so that's her reason for a large room. I get it. She's spent a lifetime accumulating these items, and she doesn't want to get rid of them. -She has a ton of furniture, mostly antiques, which she firmly believes to be valuable and would not give up, there are multiple pieces to perform each function, so we can work around each room's measurements. We do have plenty of storage in the outbuildings, so we plan to just rotate things as wanted. Yeah, some things are valuable antiques, but a whole lot more is just old. If she can't use everything she has, it makes perfect sense to store it rather than push her to get rid of things. As for the second room, an overnight guest is very unlikely, but if it happens, it would be a single adult. No little ones! So there goes the bunk room ... but I don't get the need for a second bedroom if no one will spend the night. What's the rationale? -No crafts or other storage needs, just a few decorative collections, like figurines. So you probably want space for a glass cabinet or shelves. Could any of this go into the plethora of bedroom furniture? Whatever empty wall we end up with, I plan to do a photo gallery with all her old sepia photographs. If memory issue are a reality, this is a good idea. -Kitchen-wise, she has many dish sets and serving items to store, but has no culinary inclinations. A simple space will be best. Meals will be just as you said, she'll prepare breakfast and lunch, and I cook in the evenings. Could she be convinced to downsize to one set of dishes? It's just realistic. Good lighting, level transitions between areas (no throw rugs-known trip and fall hazard) Yes, pay attention to lighting. And try to keep the floor one consistent material. As my grandmother neared 100, her #1 problem was changes in flooring. I can't tell you how many times the transition from linoleum in the kitchen to carpet in the family room threw her to the ground. My mother lives in an apartment on the side of my brother's house; it's 27 x 27, so a touch smaller than your proposed project. I'm sharing her floorplan -- not because I think you could copy it -- but as an example of what's possible. Sorry the resolution isn't so great. I sketched it up on the computer. What works about this plan: - Note we have an exterior door on the left ... this opens onto a small stoop, and my mom has parking right outside. - We also have an exterior door on the right ... this opens into the breezeway, which leads to the main house. I don't think any of the plans for your project are paying enough attention to the breezeway door, but a connection to the main house is essential. - Good-sized bedroom with two closets ... they actually have sliding doors, but my house program doesn't have sliding doors. - BTW, that's a queen-sized bed. At one point my sister and I shared this bedroom, and we had two twins ... along with that large dresser on the left-side wall. - The bathroom opens off the bedroom BUT is also available to guests ... without cutting through the bedroom. In reality, the bathroom is more spacious than it appears here ... I'm not IN the house to measure, and I sketched it from memory. Looking at it again, I'm sure the kitchen comes down a little lower /cuts into the dining area, which I've drawn a little larger than it really is ... that's where I messed up the bathroom space. - The washer/dryer is very close to the bedroom, and that linen tower next to the washer/dryer holds more than you'd believe. - We have cabinets above the washer/dryer ... so no windows by the bathroom sink. I've always disliked that this space is dark. - The cabinet next to the toilet used to be a tiny sink ... but it always leaked, and my mom had it removed. Now it's just a little cabinet for setting down clothes while she's in the shower. And she stores cleaning products underneath. It was an unnecessary sink, and no one misses it. - The kitchen is pretty small -- if I could add space anywhere, I'd put it in the kitchen. In real life, the kitchen has another cabinet next to the dishwasher, but I couldn't make it fit in my drawing. - The huge fireplace in the living room is a space-hog, and we don't have a good spot for a TV. My grandmother, who drew up this plan /built this apartment probably never even considered a TV. - I didn't put it in, but my mom has a large, low dresser on the left-side wall next to the exterior door. It gives her a lot of storage, and it serves as a set-down spot for purses, etc. I hope this gives you some ideas. It's a small apartment that's been serving our family in various ways since the 1970s. My mom's enjoying living in the apartment; she says she can clean the whole place in an hour, and her utility bills are next to nothing.