I am reading a lot of similarities to what I have been dealing with my mother for the past 1-1/2 yrs. I wish you luck - as it can be soooo trying! 1. I received plenary guardianship of my 65 yr old mother just over a year ago. Here in FL, I'd say it was a fairly time consuming and expensive route (excess of $5K). I was pushed into seeking this formal route (vs power of attorney) because everyone was concerned my mother would have tried to revoke the POW. Now I see that wouldn't have been an issue --- she believes everything I tell her regarding legal issues and isn't motivated enough to find out otherwise - so I feel that I should have stayed with POW and avoided the aggrivation (annual Guardianship plans, annual Accounting, petitioning for various fees, guardianship accounts, etc). It's costing about $3500 per year now. I have an appt with a separate Elderly lawyer - family friend - to get advice on medicaid planning and to see how long I really need to retain this "guardianship attorney". 2. Whenever I need to do something that I believe mom is going to be upset about, I just tell her that it is "court appointed". She doesn't recall the hearing - but I assure her it is true. 3. She too was a heavy smoker and drinker (the actual cause of her dementia - alcohol persistent dementia). But, somehow she completely FORGOT that she did either. Now she says she smoked "years ago" and that she used to "have a drink or two of wine - socially". Ha. But, her doctor did specify (in a letter) that the ALF not allow her to have alcohol - that it would interfer with her blood pressure and diabetes management. Shock. 4. I sought out a memory care ALF due to recommendations from the court (via the 3 person, court appointed Examinining Committee). I toured several ALF's with memory-care units and they each assured me that their entire staff had special training to deal with dementia patients. Right. They call me every time that they cannot get my mom to wash her hair, that she puts the garbage in the wrong place, she leaves windows open, she eats the wrong things, etc. For cripes-sake - why can't they take care of these things if they're so well trained? I'm glad your mom (MIL ?) is taking fairly good to her placement and is actually taking part in some of the activities. My mom was so isolated - and will have nothing to do with the "old folks" and their "stupid crafts and games" in her ALF. Too bad. Again - good luck to you. What a duty, huh?

Have you had the opportunity to talk with her doctor to explain what happened before, and your fears about what might happen? That would be my first step. There is a chance the surgery could set her back, but living with the mess is not good for her either. What if she slips on a wet spot? My mother had alzheimers, so I understand what a difficult decision this is. She developed lung cancer, and we were told that treatment would very likely make her alzheimers much worse. In some ways, it was not a difficult decision to decide against treatment, given the circumstances, but again, when she first found out about the cancer, she wanted to fight it, like anyone would. That made the decision difficult. None of this exactly relates to what you are going through, other than making decisions for others that can affect their life in such a big way is difficult to say the least, and I feel for you. You might also find a support group, if you haven't already. My sister and I got lots of help from the Alzheimer's Association, and I regularly attended support group meetings. It didn't change anything, but it helped to talk about it, and learn how others cared for their loved ones. Sally

Today is a new, and better day. She was in such rotten shape yesterday and is much improved today. It's soooooo hard not to be there and to leave everything to sister. Sister cares much, but doesn't have a ton of patience. I talked to Mom this morning and slowly approached the subject of where to live. She really wants to go to a care home down the street from my sister and I'm not sure how to check it out, other than a visit. (Yes, a surprise visit is a good idea.) It's a crime that these places aren't rated and I don't know whether inspections are open to the public, and how hard they are to find. Chisue, I've thought of you and your husband a lot lately. Mom was put on Wellbutrin to counteract depression the narcotics bring, and that was a pain getting there. The "fabulous" neurologist" put her on another one at first that caused severe nausea as well as.....worse rsl. Way to go, big doctor--It took me 5 minutes of surfing to find out that drug increases symptoms. The neurologist has been of little help as well. I asked ds to ask her regular physician about Abilify, but he was against it, even though I told her what you had told me--I'm afraid I've forgotten the reason. At this point, I don't think we can mess with the meds too much as we try to get her more stable. Azzalea and Jim, thanks for the suggestions. You're right, I think she will be ok in assisted living. Sister really has been such a trooper and had to deal with a whole lotta unpleasantness yesterday. I have to not let her make a snap decision, which is a little tough because she's the one who is doing all the work. We all love our mom dearly and want what's best for her, for sure. Susan, prune juice is always a good idea but didn't do the trick this time. I'll keep you posted, if anyone is interested. THANK YOU again, for all your help and suggestions.

My MIL lived on her own until recently; now she is living in a very nice assisted living. We just brought her there after short hospital stay. She has not balked for which we are grateful. She is a very formidable woman, and we expected lots of difficulties and complaints. I think the dementia and the short hospital stay have caused her to forget about her most recent home. She is content which is a relief. She is 101 and has progressing dementia and very poor hearing. Bpath, in MIL's case, meds have been prescribed without our knowing. We are going to work with the management, so we will be consulted. MIL can select her own physicians, but it would be up to us to transport her to their offices. The assisted living works with doctors from a well known practice in our area, so we are okay with using them. I have to say this experience has been a learning curve for our family. The assisted living residence does not expect us to be involved but is very open to working with us.