Giving up driving

19 years ago

My DH has Multiple Sclerosis. Diagnosed 1998, steadily declining ever since. He refuses to use a cane. He was taking Avonex and Copaxone shots for years, the doc said he was on shots so long, he should stop. Well, he has trouble walking and he is very exhausted. But he does physical therapy three days a week for 90 minutes each, and he drives and goes grocery shopping. But he's had three car accidents since January. Yesterday he smashed up my car so bad it's totalled. Luckily he was not hurt. Hurray for seat belts! But, being a man, he has pride and vanity. I don't want him driving anymore. We are both retired on disability. Him for MS, me for kidney failure. So I feel it's time to get him off the road. He's not old, he's only 58, but I feel his weakness in the legs may have contributed to the accident. The cop at the scene felt it was 50-50. Both drivers at fault. He was making a left turn. The other driver ran a red light. And a witness agreed. So DH feels its "not my fault". But I want him to stop driving before somebody gets hurt. What do you think?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (6)

fairegold
19 years ago
Three accidents in less that 10 months? I'd bring that up with his doctor. It's not about the damage to the car, it's about the potential damage to other people in other cars. Yes, I think it might be time for him to give up driving. Before the next accident is even worse. Yes, the other driver might have been at fault, but face it, a huge part of today's driving is defensive driving, and that requires good reflexes, which your DH is losing.

OTOH, most men feel that giving up driving is the worst thing that can happen in their lives. This isn't going to be a good battle for you.

At the very least, sign up for AARP senior driving classes, or ones given at your local adult school. That's a good place to start.
fairegold
19 years ago
Here's a link to the AARP driving classes.

Good luck!

Here is a link that might be useful: AARP driving classes
Related Discussions
Mom has alz, but Dad's driving me crazy
Q
Comments (10)
It seems that most older people, when faced with the loss of their independance, have great problems dealing with it. When we asked my father about giving up driving (he was 93), he was in tears, saying that would just kill him. He drove until the day before he died, no accidents luckily, but I was so scared for him. The sight of my take-charge, strong father reduced to that emotional state when faced with giving up driving really shook me. Now I'm taking care of my 95 yr old Mother, altho she lives in a senior apt complex, now with assisted living. I've had to take all financial matters away from her because she was driving me crazy, not understanding the bank statements, obsessing about every penny. Her finances are just fine, but she would not leave it alone. She was upset if the SS check was deposited to her account on the last day of the month instead of the first of the next month, because she was sure "they" would take it away from her. I suppose I took the checkbook more to save my own sanity, but it is, again, one of those independance issues. Most senior complexes like where Mother lives do not accept AD residents (even tho many of the residents are in early stages, I am sure). So that would not be an option for you. What about trying out an apartment close to where you live, if you could do a month-to-month rental, and let your father give it a try? Possible? Maybe with a visiting aide part of the day? But there is no easy answer for your question of how you tell someone that they can no longer take care of himself. It's got to be the hardest time of life, in so many ways. Especially for us kids, who remember when our fathers were larger than life and took care of us. One thing to watch out for is the depression that comes along with this. Is your father on anti-depressant medications? Mother just went on medication this past summer, after saying she didn't need it and then calling me to say how she wanted to die. (I needed medication after those phone calls---if she hadn't taken the medication, I would have!) Depression in the elderly is way under-diagnosed and treated, I have learned. It's an issue you might explore. Keep in touch here on this board. No easy answers. I have often thought that it is a different mind game for you and me dealing with a healthy older person as we are, than dealing with an AD patient. Very different, no less difficult. I recently found that our local Alliance on Aging in Monterey County has a peer conselling group for caregivers who are NOT dealing with alz or cancer patients, like you and me. There are other support groups for specific diseases, but this one fits my needs. It's been my life-saver. So call around and see if you can locate a support group for yourself. It's worth it, I assure you. Helene
...See More
Perhaps it's safe to try again...and a note about my father
Q
Comments (31)
Rose, it is great to see you back here. I'm glad you have such good memories of your dad; I have many of my dad and so I know what that means. Losing them is hard, but we can be glad in that they had long, interesting lives. I like this verse "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." The season had come for your dad and he was prepared and ready. Have you decided where you will be moving to when the house sells? Sue
...See More
I'm Getting Old
Q
Comments (45)
Velleen, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. I like the idea of keeping the driver's license renewed, but not using it. That has to be rough to give up driving. Take care.
...See More
Stopping Driving
Q
Comments (35)
There is another way to approach the older and driving issue, one that doesn't require input from family and friends. 4 1/2 years ago when Mother may have had a TIA (age 84, her doctor and neurologist couldn't be sure, it was so temporary), her doctor had asked her to not drive until the status of her health more clear. Then, when a few months passed, he told me his employer (Kaiser) wouldn't let him assume the liability of telling her she could drive again. We took her to an occupational therapist who did a cognitive evaluation. Then, checked for any physical limitations....vision, flexibility, could she look over her right shoulder when making lane changes etc and not too arthritic to do that ;0) He drove with her. His assessment was she could drive with his blessing (in writing, and he did have the liability coverage to do that) if she would take two brush up driving classes. Mom had never had a driving lesson and was somewhat offended. But she arranged two private sessions with a licensed instructor as required and drove three more years - until moving to a retirement apartment in a much larger city when she sold her car and gave up driving.
...See More
ginnier
19 years ago
Call your physician and ask who he recommends to do a driver's evaluation. After my dad had a slight stroke, I knew that his reactions were so much slower. He did not pass the evaluation, not even the first half of it. Luckily the evaluator was very helpful in showing my dad how important it was that he not drive until he was able to react quicker. Not that Dad was content to not drive, cuz he wasn't. But that took the burden of convincing Dad off of my shoulders. Dad has gone slowly downhill, mostly in the past 8 months...the stroke was in June '04.

I would think your dr. or insurance man would be wanting your DH to be evaluated!

Gin
mariend
19 years ago
Someone must make it very clear to him that he cannot drive. What would he and you feel like it if he has a accident and kills a family? Is it worth a chance. I live in a area that we have way too many people that should not drive but do, and I have been to way too many funeral that should never have happened. I am in my 70's and when I feel I can no longer drive, I will give it up. My DH feels the same way, but thank goodness, we have kids who also will tell us.
londondi
19 years ago
Right now the jury is deliberating in the case of George Russell Weller -- the 89 year old man who slaughtered those people in California because he "claims" that he thought he was hitting the brake instead of the gas pedal.
10 people were killed, and 60 people were injured. He thought he could drive, too.

Do whatever it takes to have him stop driving. Talk to the Doctor. Some states allow anyone to turn a driver in anonomously. Then, the person has to go in for a driving test. I know that it will be hard for him to stop driving, but think of how you both would feel if something happened. You could be preventing a tragedy.
jannie
Original Author
19 years ago
Well, he's off the road for now. He'll be taking an AARP safety class soon. And we'll discuss the accidents with his doctors, neurologist and psychiatrist included. He will keep his license because it's good identification for check-cashing, at airports,etc. But he won't be driving. My own mother quit driving in her early seventies after she had a minor accident in a parking lot. She hit a sign. It spooked her so much she never drove after that. Thanks for all your opinions.

Giving up driving

Comments (6)

fairegold

fairegold

Related Discussions

ginnier

mariend

londondi

jannie
Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Giving up driving

Comments (6)

fairegold

fairegold

Related Discussions

ginnier

mariend

londondi

jannieOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

jannie
Original Author