advice please! new here, long tale

20 years ago

Hi all, so happy to have found you! Hope you can give me some advice on how to deal with this situation.Here's that long tale: )

85 year old MIL needs to see Cardiologist in order to get meds refilled. She is aware of this and basically says she'll just stop taking the damn pills. ARGHH!

She has moved and was referred to new Cardiologist and I got her an appt in Sept. (fear of Dr.s and cancels appts. the day before them, so she does not know she has appt). She also needs a new Primary Care Dr. in order to see the specialist. She has informed us that she is not going to have anything done or have any type of testing. I found a family Dr. very close to her and have an appt. set for this Thursday. DH is working and I offered to take her, hoping that she might be calmer going with me, but now I'm stressing that I won't handle this right and she will refuse to go. I plan on telling her tomorrow that we will go "Check this Dr. out and see what we think". Keep it light and stress that it's a formality to getting her meds refilled.

IMHO, she has suffered from depression for a LONG time and has a number of anxiety related issues. Her health is NOT good and she is now experiencing stomach ailments, lack of appetite and episodes of diarrhea. She will not talk to her sons about her health and basically sticks her head in the sand. I am very concerned for her and know she could have a much better quality of life, but her anxiety and fears of Drs. aren't helping.

Any advice on how to handle this would be most appreciated. She will not listen to DH and will clam up and stop talking to him if he brings up medical issues. She will open up to me somewhat, but again, if it's not something she wants to hear, will turn a deaf ear.

Sorry this is sooo long. Thanks for listening!

Shore

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (4)

mariend
20 years ago
Does she live with you--nursing home--asst care--by herself--This is tough and you and the sons might have to go tough love. Is she active in church?? Clubs?? Can you talk to a Dr. first with a list of her meds, illness etc. Is the Dr you are taking her to compassion to older people, do he/she understand elder care etc.. She may not talk to her sons because of her age. Women in that age bracket just don't discuss things with "men" etc. Would she be more receptive to a woman Dr. etc.
good luck
shoregrowin
Original Author
20 years ago
Hi Mariend, thank you for replying. My MIL lives alone, she lost her husband about 10 years ago. She has never been active with church, clubs or socially- only the immediate family. Very isolated living and moreso now, she doesn't have interest in much (I think this is the depression). I have never met the Dr., but understand that is he good with the elderly. It is hard to get a family practice Dr. in our area, lucked out to find one taking new patients before her meds run out and she is without.
She can be extremely difficult to deal with and her adult children rarely cross her as it is not pleasant to do so. We have had some issues in the past, but have come to somewhat of an understanding and I think she realizes I only want to help her. That being said, I am worried about the best approach to getting her to the Doctor. She gets paranoid...
What's a DIL to do?
Related Discussions
new here - long intro and questions
Q
Comments (5)
twotogo - thank you for your nice welcome. This is kind of a weird situation - kind of premature for real retirement planning - but it is a one time opportunity that we need to make some decisions on in the not too distant future. I know from past experiences when we considered building a home that I have a hard time compromising on what I want vs. what I can afford. Remodeling our kitchen was very educational in terms of the cost of different choices. I have actually spent quite a bit of time over the years pondering house plans and other house stuff - either at times we considered building or at times we considered remodeling to improve things in our current home. I'm a big fan of The Not So Big House - spending more on the character of a smaller space vs. on more space. I know I have a hard time with the idea of making a decision from a plan where I've never actually been in the house - or at least seen photos of the "finished goods". That is why I am drawn to things that are closer to what I've had. Also entirely unclear at this point if we would sell current place in the foreseeable future and build new place in next few years - or just buy the property now and build retirement place in 10 years or so. All kinds of ideas spinning around at this point - it's fun to consider the possibilities.
...See More
New Here and I Need Help..Long
Q
Comments (31)
This was a post that I thought I didn't need to post on at first, but I will offer up my $.02 anyway. When I met my current husband, he was a bouncer in a bar. Not the kind of bar that has too much excitement, but I am sure he had his chances. (Hey, I thought he was cute; I couldn't have been the only one.) He was also a friend of my brothers. One of the reasons I dated him was because he never went home with any of the women there, didn't waste his time flirting with them either. He had friends that were girls, but he didn't hang all over them either. I also got a pretty good recommendation from a rather over protective brother. LOL. You would think that with me being the oldest one, I wouldn't need protected, but my first husband did more wrong than you could imagine and I was pretty fragile afterwards for a while. I wouldn't even date for nearly a year. Back to the point. Later I found out that DH worked as a bouncer at a few strip clubs before he met me. I had to deal with that. He knew what they were like and told me stories that would curl (or straighten) your hair. Some of them might just make it stand straight up. I was really insecure for a while. I took it hard. I finally swallowed my pride and told him how I felt. He knew something was bothering me, but didn't know what. It was just a part of his past, like his first marriage, after all. He told me that it was just a job, one that paid pretty well. He also told me that the last thing he wanted to touch was a woman like that after seeing how some of them behaved when they were off stage. He could never have made enough money at his day job to support himself and still pay child support, and help take care of his mom. It was just a way to make ends meet. I know that there are other jobs, but I guess he just looked the part. He is about 5'9" and looks as wide as he is tall with little fat on him. Most of the time he didn't have to do much, but sit and glare at idiots. That was enough to settle them down. The point is that sometimes what men do doesn't make sense to women, but that doesn't mean they are wrong. They just think differently than we do. It is what makes them the way they are. Unless you are lesbian or bi, it is best to be thankful they don't think like we do. That would change everything. Even the best men make choices that don't make sense to us and we don't have to agree with them. But we can't expect them to be something they are not. Your husband shouldn't do things that cause you pain, but you need to keep in mind that what he did was in the past and you have to leave it there. If he knows how you feel, then that is something that he is unlikely to forget and if he is considerate in every other part of your marriage (most of the time, anyway) then he is going to respect your feelings. That is more important than one bad judgement call. He obviously wasn't comfortable there, and I doubt he will choose to go to a place like that again. I think you need to approach him like Amy Fiddler suggested and make sure he knows how you feel without making your past his fault. You may need to talk to someone else about your past because you are still carrying baggage from your first marriage. It might be hard to put it down, but your marriage will be a lot better if you can leave your ex and his problems out of it. Good Luck
...See More
So I have this mirror....... (long tale and pics)
Q
Comments (35)
Oh, yes, if you can figure out how to do it, paint it creamy white or even the palest of taupes! On a richly colored wall, with the rest of the room kept fairly simple, it is exactly the kind of big thing that looks fabulous in a small space! It is just wonderful. i'd start by asking a professional framer or a furniture repair person to look at the frame, and assess its strength with the back and mirror removed. Then I'd take off everything and carefully spray paint it on both sides...two or three light coats, keeping the spray moving rhythmically, and lightly brushing it out with a small dry brush as I went. Perhaps your DH can do one thing while you do the other?
...See More
I'm new here! I would love some advice for Raspberries!
Q
Comments (3)
Nina, In most parts of Oklahoma the summer weather, particularly the heat but the sunshine as well, is brutally hard on raspberries, especially in the hotter and drier years. They'll do best in afternoon shade, and you're going to be growing them in afternoon sun, which is even more challenging. First, to address the zone 7 issue. Many plants that are said to be hardy in zone 7 may be cold hardy in zone 7 in some parts of the country---but zone 7 is not the same everywhere. All that being in zone 7 tells you is what the range of your average minimum temperatures is----so zone 7 in Oregon could be quite different from zone 7 in Oklahoma or Texas or Long Island, NY. Even though all those diverse areas have minimum low temperatures in the same range (0-10 degrees Fahrenheit), they have different climates overall. The zone maps commonly used are only reliable as a reference for cold hardiness, not hot hardiness. So, keep that in mind when choosing plants. In our climate, the AHS Heat Zone Map is a more reliable indicator of whether a given type of plant can thrive here, but even it is based on the plants being kept in moist soil at all times, which is incredibly hard to do in our heat, particularly in containers. Even letting a plant get too dry once can make it underperform compared to its AHS Heat Zone rating. Blackberries are more commonly grown in Oklahoma because they tolerate our erratic weather better than raspberry plants do. Often, with raspberries, a little warm spell in winter or late spring causes them to break dormancy and leaf out, and then when we have a return to colder spring weather, the new foliage and canes can indeed suffer freeze damage. That may be what happened with your plants. Since the damage isn't spreading, that's my best guess about what happened. If it were spreading and if you are in an area that has received plentiful spring rainfall, I'd be thinking it might be a fungal disease. Since it seems more likely that it is cold damage, you have two choices: you can go ahead and prune off the damaged canes since it is likely the scorched leaves aren't conducting photosynthesis and therefore aren't helping the plant, or you can wait a couple of weeks and see if the old leaves fall off and are replaced by new ones. With regard to the soil-less mix being well-draining, that may be an issue as well. In Oklahoma, it can be really hard to keep containerized plants moist enough in July's and August's extreme heat. In our hottest, driest summers I have had to water tomato plants grown in 10-20 gallon containers up to 4 times a day to keep the soil evenly moist. It is hard to keep plants moist on summer days when the high temperature exceeds 100-110 degrees, especially if that weather goes on for many weeks. I find it easiest to keep them on a drip irrigation system with a timer, but you still have to adjust your timer as the summer weather can fluctuate from flooding rains to no rain at all for long periods. I'll link the OSU Fact Sheet on Growing Blackberries and Raspberries in Oklahoma for you, but be advised it mostly is about how to grow blackberries since growing raspberries in our state is not recommended by OSU. Some people do grow raspberries here but it takes an extraordinary amount of effort and attention to detail, as well as some luck and cooperation from the weather, and raspberry production tends to be lower than blackberry production. Dawn Growing Blackberries & Raspberries In Oklahoma
...See More
agnespuffin
20 years ago
Sometimes it's hard for us to put ourselves in the shoes of someone her age. It's not a depression as a younger person knows depression. It's more of a...well, the end is drawing closer and I wish it would hurry and get it over with.....sort of feeling. Every night when she goes to bed the odds that she won't wake up are greater. No matter how she acts, or what she says, that feeling is always there.

There's no good advice for you that will work every time you see her. What is ok today, may be the worse thing in the world tomorrow. Play everyday by ear. Let her do the leading. Keep reminding her that you are there if she needs anything.

You are right in one thing. Tell her that she needs to see the doctor so that he can start a record of her medications. Hint that if she should fall and break something or have other problems, he would know exactly what she is taking and wouldn't run the risk of giving her something that could cause problems.
Don't make it sound as if she needs to see him because she is having health problems. She knows that. Make it more of a "just in case" visit.
shoregrowin
Original Author
20 years ago
Very well said agnespuffin, I will keep that in mind, thank you. I was very surprised because today wasn't anything like I had expected with past Dr. discussions. We were sitting chatting and I said that I had been able to find her a Primary Care Dr. right around the corner from her (less than 3 minutes away!) and they were able to get her an appointment in a hurry so they could get the meds refilled. She didn't bat an eye! We went in to the kitchen and got her meds out and wrote down everything she takes. Then I told her it might be a good idea to go on over there and pick up the paperwork to fill out tonight, so she doesn't have to sit there doing it tomorrow. We drove over and I asked if she wanted to stay in the car, nope, she would go in too. It was sooo easy telling her about it and she didn't freak out. It was a calm discussion.
Now tomorrow may be different, but I think it is going to be ok., she knows it's about getting her medication evaluated and updated. She also knows she has a Cardiologist appt. in September, but didn't even ask when. I'm really psyched that this will be an easier experience for her and hopeful she will like or at least tolerate this Dr.
I will let you know how tomorrow goes- we're going shoe shopping after the Dr. visit!
Thanks so much, I feel more confident and have a better understanding of what she goes through on a daily basis. That makes a huge difference. Much appreciated,
: )
Shore

advice please! new here, long tale

Comments (4)

mariend

shoregrowin
Original Author

Related Discussions

agnespuffin

shoregrowin
Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

advice please! new here, long tale

Comments (4)

mariend

shoregrowinOriginal Author

Related Discussions

agnespuffin

shoregrowinOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

shoregrowin
Original Author

shoregrowin
Original Author