Dad's declining

21 years ago

Friends,

Am writing this today as my brother & I make the decision on Dad's placement now that he's not accepting any food.

My DH & I moved him here in Feb to the NW where he wanted to be. First, he chose independent living, now in assisted-living.

This is day 4 that he will not accept food & yet he takes his daily medicine. He's diabetic with end stage renal failure w/o dialysis & has congestive heart failure. He's bleeding internally & here he's still living where he is. He is now staying in bed (3 days). His mind has been very alert when awake & knows what's happening to him.

Dr said last week another move is not good & we could do Hospice. Yes, I do know that. Today my brother thinks the hospital is the best idea & not nursing home.

Dad's directive states as he wrote, if no hope, " Leave me alone". We want to make him comfortable. Brother is talking IV's...would that go against his wishes not wanting life support? This is difficult.

Am so fortunate to have such a loving, DH & being able to be with Dad so often now. He's sleeping most of the time & would like some input on this, if you would.

Thank You, Sharlee

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Comments (13)

taupe79
21 years ago
You said that his mind is very alert when he is awake. Can you and your brother stay with him until he awakens and ask him whether he wants IVs to help alleviate any discomfort? I think as long as his mind is so agile, asking him would be best.

As hard as it may be, though, I personally read "Leave me alone" as just that. No IVs, no life support, no resuscitation. I am not trying to tell you what to do... I am only letting you know how I interpret things as a third-party outsider. I cannot imagine how hard that is to deal with, and my heart goes out to you.

I hope you have a few good times during these last days, weeks, etc. Good luck and take care.
PeaBee4
21 years ago
IVs will make the discomfort last longer. And since he is in renal failure, there is no where for the fluid to go. He will swell. Your brother needs to understand what a strain that would be. Your father needs hospice care, either at home or in a hospice facility. Some hospitals do everything possible to keep a patient alive as long as possible. I don't think your father would want that.
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BTW, having Power of attorney is not a substitute for the HIPAA privacy releases. Because of the vagueness of the HIPAA laws, every single doctor and medical facility can interpret them in different ways. Our estate attorney drew up not only regular power of attorney docs, but also healthcare power of attorney with HIPAA releases that can be used in every situation with any medical facility or personnel. First of all, it sounds like you may need to talk to a geriatrician, if you can find one (a dying breed, unfortunately). You don't necessarily need to replace his doctor, but get some second opinions here if you can. Second, it is sad but true that many people have these kinds of anxieties and will only go into facilities when they are forced to. Is there any chance you can at least get one of those medical alert systems so that your dad can remain independent a bit longer? Talk to your dad's doctor; they often get discounts for patients for some of these systems. Certainly there are bad facilities as well as good ones. You should start investigating what's available now, because good ones have a waiting list. At the very least this helps calm a lot of your own anxiety because you will have a better idea of what to do when the time finally comes. Once you've found some good prospects, see if you can get your dad to visit with you during social hours, so he can see what kind of activities are there and what the people are like. It takes time, so don't expect to change his mind quickly. My MIL lives with us and it's taken us a year to get her to visit a local senior center for a weekly seniors exercise class! Now she's getting comfortable enough with the people that she's considering taking an additional line-dancing class on a second day - for her, that's amazing progress. Certainly there's a basis for your dad's doctor to dislike putting people into facilities - it's been proven people are happier and live longer in their own homes. But your dad seems to be falling into that 'gray area', where he may not be capable of being independent much longer. It's hard for parents to recognize that they are failing and need to be taken care of by their children. It's especially hard for women, because the older generation and much of the medical establishment does not take women as seriously as they do men - that's just fact. I find I have to speak pretty forcefully to my MIL for her to take my word for things, she keeps saying, "Well, I'll ask my son when he comes home." It's just habit and cultural differences, so keep plugging away. Don't fuss or get emotionally upset over it - if you remain calm and logical, people will start to take your concerns seriously. It may not be obvious now that your dad is starting to get confused, but if dementia is indeed happening, there are tests that can help determine how fast the mental deterioration is progressing over time.
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christopherh, Yes, I understand what you're saying. We had a similar emotion when we delivered all of those turkeys. My DH spent two nights this week serving at the Hospice booth in the local shopping mall, he's rang the bell for the Salvation Army, his bank does the Angel tree like your community does & people are very generous, we donated an antique painting this year for a silent auction benefiting Make A Wish (a charity close to my heart), I've made thousands of phone calls for the hospital since T-day, QVC always has a Today's Special Value during the holiday season of Weekly Reader books & I always purchase a few sets & donate to our local libray & hospital, I've been playing Christmas carols at the nursing home near my house twice/week for a month, & we will be serving dinner to the homeless on Christmas Day after breakfast with our family. Sure, we make financial donations & many organizations prefer that but there's huge need for volunteers. Organizations are always chronically short on volunteers. Thank you for giving freely of your time & money to the needy. And, it's true...we can't forget after New Year's. People need help twelve months a year! My DH also can't give plasma. On his third attempt the nurse told him to return to just giving blood. He gives every three months unless medications make him ineligible. I can't donate blood due to health & medications & I greatly admire all those who keep our national blood supply going. So, kudos to all of you who donate! To keep this OT...charities are reporting donations are down pretty much across the board this year & they are attributing it to people having less disposable income due to higher food & energy costs on the home front. It wouldn't surprise me either if some of those who've lost their homes to foreclosure are also part of the increased need at the food banks. /t
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Just to clarify - I don't think my kids as individuals are overscheduled. BUT, we have three kids who are active. My kids aren't old enough to be left home alone, so we all go to every event. We try to do homework at the practice of siblings to save time, but a typical week looks like this: Home from school around 4PM M - dinner, homework, DS1 practice 5:30 - 7, showers, fun time with dad (since he was at work all day), bed around 8:30 T - dinner, homework, DS2 practice 5:30 - 7, showers, fun time with dad, bed around 8:30 W - DS1, DS2 catechism 4:30 - 6, dinner, homework, fun time with dad, bed around 8:30 R - dinner, homework, DS2 practice 5:30 - 7, showers, fun time with dad, bed around 8:30 F - dinner, homework, usually a game in the evening and we try to go out to dinner as a family either before or after (depending on game time). S - DS3 sports (also family commitments - visiting grandparents who are an hour away, etc.). Add into that the schedules of the families we are friends with, and finding time after school is nearly impossible. I'm sure to include the "fun time with dad" because it really is a highlight for my kids. We try to have everything done before he gets home from work (homework, showers, etc) so we can just enjoy time together everyday (a house of boys.... usually they are wrestling or throwing a football, but sometimes its a board game or UNO.)
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Well if you do go and spend the $90,000 on booze at least invite us over to indulge too. Lol Both you and your father sound like great people. Coming out of the depression, there were a lot of people who lived not sure where the next meal was coming from and lived modestly and frugally because of it. I imagine that your father is too young to be a depression era baby, but perhaps shares some of those values. He may also be a millionaire because he did keep a close eye on spending. Way too many people live for today and live paycheck to paycheck. Men generally don't flip through the House Beautiful (or whatever home magazine) when they are getting their hair done. They don't talk about kitchens with their girlfriends. To them, a kitchen is like a utility room. As long as it functions, what is the big deal about how it looks. In your father's youth I would imagine most kitchens that he ventured into were basic. He probably has the same view of kitchens as you might have of a tool workshop room or garage. My husband's view is, if it works, why would you replace it?, for example.
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fairegold
21 years ago
Sharlee, check for my thread on "Comfort Care Measures", the papers I filled out for the nrsing home where Mother is. It's been a learning experience, and my heart is with you tonight. I understand what you are going thru.

Hugs...

Helene

Here is a link that might be useful: Comfort care measures
sharlee
Original Author
21 years ago
Thank you, Taupe79,
I did ask my brother if Dad was able to speak to us today as I was on my way. Today being another day, he had gotten to another stage & was not able to say much. I also interpreted the "Leave me alone" as just that.

PeaBee, Yes, I want you to know that I did tell my brother about the fluid intake as my former husband was on dialysis for 11 yrs. I really appreciated that from you.

Helene, I will look at the thread. Bless you.

And now, I must say to you that my Dad passed away tonight while both my brother & I were there. God took care of things like He always does. Why I was worrying about the differences my brother & I had? Guess the stress of matters.

Goodnite, dear ones. Sharlee
PeaBee4
21 years ago
Oh, My! When there is a passing like your father's, it is so difficult because of the lost and yet, relief that he no longer suffers or is aware of his condition.
Take care of yourself. He would want you to.
PB
abreeze
21 years ago
Dear Sharlee... Thank God for His mercy. How wonderful that He took care of your dad for you and your brother. What a blessing he didn't have to endure the IVs and dialysis. May God bless and comfort you. I'm sure your dad knew you loved him very much. ~breezy
heydeborah
21 years ago
Dear Sharlee, you and your brother have my deepest sympathy. God did what He thought should be done. i will say a prayer for your dear Dad and you and your family your Dad is now in a better place and in no pain. debbie
taupe79
21 years ago
Sharlee,

In spite of the grief, how wonderful that you and your brother were able to be with your father at his passing. Please take care of yourself... my prayers are with you and your family.
lasershow
21 years ago
Sharlee, my sincere condolences at the passing of your dear father. God does take care of things in His own time and His own way. Peace be with you.
DianePA
21 years ago
please accept my deepest sympathies to you and your DB!! its never easy losing a parent or anyone !! so sorry for your loss!
fairegold
21 years ago
Sharlee, my deepest sympathies to you and your family.
Patti541
21 years ago
Sharlee, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this most difficult time.
nora8
21 years ago
Sharlee, Thoughts and prayers being sent your way. So thankful that you and your brother were with your dear Dad. God in His time....God's Grace and Strength will be with you and comfort you in the days ahead. God is Faithful....Nora

Dad's declining

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