Hi, my husband informed me that I should do a search engine simple search for "Dealing with husbands dementia" as he did it for me this morning. My father has been diagnosed with a SEVERE case of Dimentia, we don't know yet if they will label it with an Alzheimers tag. His behaviors are very much the same as the first lady in the string that we are replying to. He drives perfectly, obeying traffic lights, stop signs, etc, never getting close to the curb or swerving into traffic. He also knows where he is going, can take us to Kmart or the grocery store, drive to church, mother is sure that he could drive back to the old farmhouses that we used to live all of his life. Of course, mother is with him always when he is in the car, and thus far we have never seen signs that he doesn't know what he is doing. On with the show... Dad has a soft side and a mean side, with major anger issues. I have personally witnessed many many times in the past where he has hurt her physically, slapping her, knocking her across the head with his fist, poking her with his cane... ARGH!!!! and none of us kids can do anything about it because she doesn't want for us to confront him and "cause trouble"... He constantly bashes her mentally, verbally, controls every move that she makes, (trust me, I've been begging her for years to leave him while he was still at least had his mind with him but the threat was always there that he would kill her if she left him)... of course, she is the Christian woman that her mother raised her to be, and believes that SHE is the one who must care for him, and carry this burden alone. Her 4 adult children disagree, and are bringing her around to see our point of view slowly but surely (lord willing)... She does almost everything, offers to help bring in wood for the stove, shovel, etc.. he is 80 next month and she is 73 in April. She has all of her functions (besides having lost her right breast to cancer 6 years ago). Both have Hypertension, and both have diabetes type B. Oral meds. Dad's current condition. Yesterday, mother was to go to quilting circle at her church, a regular Wednesday morning meeting... He knew she was going to go, he is ok at the house himself, he does set a few things down and forget where they are, but it's mainly that he wants mother to run around after him (or so we think).. I guess he's trying to keep her out of trouble.. haha. In the morning, he was very agitated, and she offered not to go, when this happens, he starts yelling at her and telling her that she HAS to leave and go, and that he doesn't want her here, and doesn't want to talk to her, and that he is going to be gone.. "I'm LEAVING" and then will say something to the affect of and I'm just going to be GONE, meaning he is contemplating removing himself permanently from life. We the children have been telling mother that she is much faster than him, and if she would just stay a few feet away from him rather than trying to get close to him to calm him after he has said these things, that maybe she could try going in another room that he can still see her in, she would be THERE but not really THERE on top of him. I begged her 4 times to get back away from him and help me in the kitchen, but she said she saw in his eyes that he was contemplating something bad so she kept going back to him and apologizing for everything she did and everything under the sun to try to calm him down. Instead, he just becomes MORE agitated, and then he becomes aggressive. He said he was going to kill her, and himself, and then goes to stand and leave the room, but she tried to block him leaving, and he Shoved her out of the way. I was close by and saw everything, and since he got up aggressively, I anticipated that he was going for the gun. I called 911, but he heard me, and came out into the other room where I was calling from, and said I was next. Then he went outside, like he always does, and was messing around in the garage when the police came. 5 cars, 5 cops, all very nice, I told them to act friendly, and like there was not any problem, and see what happened, but know that he has always put down women, and he is buddies with all guys. (the brothers have it good....) The police came in, said he was talking, nicely, and not agitated, but that they couldn't understand anything he was saying. He speaks his own language. Like babies before they learn to talk, I had twins, who spoke their own language to each other but nobody could understand them. I'm home from Colorado for this exact reason. I've been staying in their guest room 2 doors down from them for almost every night and day for the past little over a month. My younger brother who is a tremendous help to them, and lives only a few minutes from town is available for her to call, and can get to her within less than 30 minutes if called in a panic. I did not feel it right for me to return home until my brother returns from Atlanta and is able to assist again. He needs only come over and visit with dad for sometimes a few minutes to often times several hours. I don't feel mother is safe without someone being able to get her quickly. The police were told of the threats, and said that because there is also a weapon in the home and was used as part of the threat (though he never went to go get it in his hand) that they automatically must take the person in question to the hospital for an evaluation for a minimum of 2 days. They gave us the option of going and signing temporary committal papers so that they could get him placed in a hospital. Mother said no immediately, but the police officer said if they find that he needs to be checked out and evaluated, that the doctor and nurse would sign the papers for us, so we could agree, or agree to disagree, but he was going. The hospital worked fervently to find a place for him, but we had 6 No answers before someone accepted him 3 hours away, and 4 hours after arriving there. Every time mother and I or either one of us alone would enter the room, he would become immediately agitated, shoots daggers with his eyes, (well, she's unhappy that I just said that, so I told her I would say giving her the stink eye instead..) at least I got a laugh out of her just now.. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED :) So far he has been most excellent to all health care providers and police, and has caused no negative issues or comments from any of them. Today, the doctor called who is over him during this stay, and told us of the SEVERE Dimentia diagnosis. She said not even mild or moderate, but she needed to inform us of the SEVERITY of the situation. Mother freaked and started crying right away, she said "I WANT HIM HERE"... and our goal is to actually just see if they can mess with his medications a little so that he can have relief from some of his symptoms, but not be in a completely vegetative state where her work with him is even harder than it's always been. We also have discovered in talking and comparing notes, that he has been experiencing symptoms a little at a time over probably 2 to 4 years before the past 2 years, but the past 2 years have been the biggest problem. Mother retired from her job and stays home with him now.. that just brought a break through, and we figured out that he has been unhappy with her working the whole 6 years she was at her job she had problems with leaving for work because of him. Dad's mother was always kind of crazy... She had a horrible case of dementia as well, and suffered for over 10 years with it never knowing any of our names, and always thinking that she needed to pack to go "HOME" which would have been her childhood home, not the home she was in prior to living with them here. Grandma was violent enough that she could throw mother down the stairs, and she was 88. I have great patience for older people, and those suffering from mental illnesses, but I don't do well with violence, as I came from an abusive marriage before my current. We were told today by the doctor that he would HAVE to quit driving to come home, and she asked what kind of thing does he do around the house. Since he was always a TV repair man, and a Farmer all of his life, those are the things that he knows the best, and can do without thinking about them. She said it's his long term memory working in the background, but that he is not actually capable of KNOWING full well what he is doing and being able to do it. I told her that I believe he is perfectly capable of driving a car wherever, but that driving requires dexterity and mobility and flexibility, none of which he possesses. He has bad problems with arthritis, his hands and feet swell because of diabetes, and he has no feeling in 2 of his fingers on both hands & feet because of the diabetic nerve pain as well as frost bite over the many years. When he gets a little warmer after coming inside from shoveling, his nerves shoot pain as they warm (I have it too from delivering mail for 9 years) but the pain always comes, and is constant. I always refer to it as feeling as if your hands and feet and face are being held over a raging fire 24 x 7 x 365. This is a MAJOR CONCERN. Because dad doesn't vocalize well, he does talk about a great many subjects, but nobody understands what he is saying and can follow along, or what he is talking about at all, unless they have spent all day every day with him, knowing the things that go on in his life day to day so they can follow and TRY to decipher what he is saying. If we don't agree with him, or understand him, he becomes immediately agitated and then just starts saying the same thing over and over and over again, giving hand gestures, and trying in his best way to describe what he just said, but we are STUPID and EVIL and HORRIBLE and mother was never so bad up until 3 years ago when she suddenly became this terrible person he says she is. (which she ISNT)... As I said before, he does have a good side, and many times quite a few days since I have been here in the past month, I have witnessed lots and LOTS of words of kindness maybe not directly to her all of the time, but to me, in front of her about her what a good woman she is, and a great wife, and he really has a good one (he says).. Mother's definition of abuse is much different than mine. As well as her definition of suicidal tendencies. She told the nurses in the ER that he is only suicidal maybe once every 2 weeks, but I have witnessed many comments that were talking of killing himself approximately 3 times a week every week I've been here. I told her that they cannot help him unless they know the truth, and they need to know the true answers. I told them twice a week, sometimes more. Doc says he has to have all saws, and anything else dangerous in the house that he could get harmed with even by accident. Obviously that doesn't mean he has to live in a padded cell, but that obvious things that he shouldn't be doing anymore must be dealt with before she will allow him to come home. Mother is devastated, and is already worried about the way he will behave once he is home, but now we also have to deal with the issue of no driving and no saws and no chain saws, etc.. He will be livid. My brother won't yet be home and it will be mother and I to save ourselves. I do NOT recommend lying to your husband if you are still reading, and telling him that the State wants to take his license. Though the doctor is telling you he doesn't need to be driving anymore, have the doctor be the "Fall Guy".. they will be more than willing to break the bad news so that YOU are not the target. This doctor offered before I asked. I said we need to talk about it, and try to wrap mother's head around the idea before they start giving him restrictions. He hasn't made a fuss for them yet, but we're kind of afraid for what could happen as we know he is capable of causing a problem. We don't want him to have a heart attack in the meantime, and we want him at home to care for, as that's what our families have all done for each other (unless someone breaks a hip or something and cannot have them at home)... She slept last night from 9 to 7 am straight through, the best she has slept in years. AS you can imagine, that caused problems first thing this morning for her, she felt guilty for being able to sleep at all let alone sleep the whole night. She feels that she has FAILED her husband, and my remark to that statement is that what she is doing now by getting him the help that he needs is what "taking care of him" is all about... if she had NOT aided in getting him this care, THEN she would have failed him. Over and out for now... Signed, Longwinded from Iowa Good luck everyone, please keep pouring your hearts out to everyone who will listen. Take the good advice, leave what doesn't pertain to you, and lean on others. Look for your 5 most important people and make them your prayer partners, start prayer chains, let others be aware of your feelings, take care of YOU so that you can take care of them (my hubby had a traumatic brain injury a couple years ago and was hospitalized for exactly a month losing 48 lbs in 3 weeks because he wouldn't eat or do anything for anyone) he would have been institutionalized but I cried over him and he came out of his state a couple of times. I told him what they were planning for him and he FINALLY started coming around. But only when I was broken down over his lap and for short times (but it opened the door to healing)

There's no bedroom downstairs, so the only way I could sleep in the same room as the dogs is if I slept on the couch. I'm reluctant to do that--although sleeping on the couch might not be much worse than the way things have been going lately. As I write this, it's 11:00 p.m. and both dogs are panting. Wolfy is clingy, nosing my arm and attempting to get under my desk. (He doesn't fit.) It's possible that these behaviors of his have something to do with the fact that I'm out of the house seven hours a day (minimum) now. Before I started this job in December, I was home with the dogs a lot more. Wolfy is quiet and seemingly content in the morning and early afternoon before I go to work, but when I come home at night his restlessness starts. Jodi, I've wondered about the sundowning phenomenon, too. Uxorial, I just noticed your message--sorry! I did remove the bone meal. Actually, I threw it out because Wolfy had bent up the box so badly. Sarah, it's nice to know someone else is putting up with very difficult behaviors from a much-loved dog. I caught some flak on the Pet Forum last year (just from one or two people, not everyone) because I tolerate a higher degree of ....well, mess from my two elderly dogs than was deemed civilized. I'm the first to admit that gracious living flew out the window when my dogs got old and often incontinent. But I refuse to destroy these loving and loyal animals to restore my standard of living. If the time comes for that decision to be made, it will be for their comfort, not mine. Thanks, all.

Hi Susan, Do you know some of your father's friends? How to contact them? Do you know whether your brother may perhaps have talked to one or other of them? How about calling one or more of them, for I'm sure that they'll be able to fill you in on how things are going with your Dad ... some of the blank spaces. Will he be upset about your interference when he finds out that you've been talking to them? Maybe a good idea to let him know of that possibility beforehand, so it's not a surprise when they tell him that they've been talking to you? I agree that it's important that you catch the queen bee ... and cut off her wings before you get stung. Trying to mend things later are hugely costly, both in terms of emotional and financial issues ... and may well alienate family members who were formerly friends. You haven't been able to come up with a pill that has even a possibility of turning a greedy person into a benefactor of charitable causes? Various religious enterprises have been making efforts toward such an end for millenia ... with limited success. Good wishes as you proceed with the actions that you feel are necessary to meet your father's needs: I hope that he can agree with the need as you go along, for it's unpleasant for everyone if such actions need to be undertaken when the elder is unhappy about them. ole joyful P.S. I have said for years that it makes sense for several seniors to find a home where they can live together, for it shares chores, meaning lower such burden for each, and there's social interaction, with the extra bonus that minds are kept from going to seed as quickly, plus shared costs of household, plus utilities, plus food, etc. will cost less than living singly ... and certainly far more than for them to go into either a residential or nursing home. It would make sense for them to pay for a homecare person to come in to do the heavy household chores, etc. The major benefit is, of course, that if someone takes ill, there are others on hand to provide immediate care, call for help, etc. - and quite likely have good judgement as to which course to follow. Not useful to have two, three or four, etc. move into one person's home - or that person will always feel that s/he's the untimate authority - "It's my home, remember!". Not a good idea to have only three ... or two will form a deeper friendship and the other will feel imposed upon - even ganged up on, whether that opinion may be somewhat justifed, or less so. But people say that it can't work - that they'll fight. Over someone's desire to move a chesterfield an inch or so this way or that, etc. - peanut stuff. It would need to be overseen by a congenial woman, who was able to mediate difficulties before they got out of hand, whom everyone loved ... and it'd be best if all of the residents/(inmates?) were so pleased with her that she had them eating out of her hand (metaphorically speaking). o j

One other perspective fwiw: I have an elderly parent with Alzheimers and we learned the hard way that hospitalization and anesthesia (as well as pain and/or pain meds) can precipitate a condition called delirium - and it's especially common among the elderly and those with dementia. My father was living independently, with a lot of personal care help etc, when he had a minor medical incident. After a day in the hospital he basically shut down, physically and mentally, in what we later realized were classic signs of delirium. It was a six week ordeal, life and death, much of it restrained and/or semi-conscious -- even though there was literally nothing wrong with him physically. He ultimately survived, but never returned to anywhere near his baseline. He was living in a continuing care community at the time and so we moved him to the skilled nursing wing instead of his own apartment. 18 months later, he's now under hospice care. I'm sure that he wouldn't have declined so dramatically and so quickly if it weren't for this episode. There's nothing we could have done differently; the original ER trip was necessitated by an anaphylactic reaction. He had an Epipen but the only prudent thing was a quick trip to the hospital, which had happened plenty of times in the past. Now, having done a lot of reading on delirium and dementia, I would avoid elective procedures and anesthesia with someone who has dementia. One other thought -- we got great help and guidance from the palliative care specialists at the hospital throughout this ordeal. The regular doctors and nurses were terrific, but they were focused on fixing the problem, such as it was, rather than ensuring his quality of life.