Very cute! Thanks for the chuckle. :)

Are flies considered part of the garden? I have a fly joke...

The average cost of a home grown tomato is (never mind)

If they are in the garden flies are fair game.

I have more of an anecdote that a joke, but I'm sure all of you will get a kick out of this. An American Robin has taken residence in my garden, because I tend to dig up my yard a lot, and the Robin comes in and eats all the worms. Recently, a squirrel has started stealing tomatoes from my yard. Now, whenever I see the squirrel in my yard, the Robin swoops in out of nowhere, and dives at the squirrel. It's the funniest sight! Hope you all have similar stories to share.

OK, flies...

A wife comes home from shopping all day... she asks the husband what he did all day...

He says he killed 5 flies--3 male and 2 female.

Surprised, she asks how he can be so smart to tell if one is a male or female.

He replied, "That's easy. Three were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

-A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill

-If I could only grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator

-When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to gently pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was not a weed.

York, your robin sounds lovely! You have your own tomato protector.

I don't have anything nearly as cool, but I do have a hummingbird that likes to come around and feed from the flowers along my back fence regularly. I've figured out that if I make a certain noise with my mouth, it thinks there's another hummingbird around, and will hang out much longer. One day, I was up near him (?) and made my little noise, and to my surprise, he flew down from his branch and hovered about 2 1/2 feet away from my face, just watching me. As I continued to make the noise, he made a 360 degree circle around my body stopping for 5-10 seconds at a time at different angles, checking me out from all sides, while staying very near. He must have wondered what kind of very large bird I was, speaking his language, lol.

Oh, and I just laughed out loud at the fly joke, and then laughed out loud again when I got to the line about weeds vs. valuable plants because that is so, so true.

Spaghetina,

Very cool about your Humming Bird!

I've found that if you are out with them a lot and talk to them very gently, you can get very close without disturbing them.

I had one I called Fusspot, since she was so vocal. By the end of the season, I could walk up to her normally and speak in normal tones, easily to within one foot from her. My wife still had to be more gentle.

Never called one though. Very neat. I'll have to try it :-)

Out in the woods very close together lived too great big old trees.

One was a birch and the other was a beech.

Now these two trees were the best of friends. They shared nutrients, sunlight and water. And both were very happy together.

One day they noticed a small sappling growing up between them.

They got to talking and wondered "Is that a son of a birch or is that a son of a beech?".

Well the talking turned to arguing and went on and on till they finally agreed to wait until fall thinking that once the little trees leaves changed color they would know for sure.

Fall came and the little sapplings leaves changed color. But it didnt look like a Birch or a Beech.

Well the two trees commenced to fighting; swaying their branches in the wind, rustling their leaves and carrying on when a woodpecker flew up and said

"Hey what's going on? I thought you two were the best of friends?"

The trees said "see that little tree down there? Well we cant tell if its a son of a birch or a son of a beech"

"Well" said the woodpecker "Im pretty good with knowing my trees. Why dont I fly down, peck on it and help ya'll decide?"

"Very well" said the trees.

So the wood pecker flew down, landed on a branch and started pecking. Then it jumped up on another branch and started pecking more. Then it started fly all around pecking like crazy"

The trees said "hey stop! Dont hurt it! Just tell us if it's a son of a birch or a son of a beech"

The woodpecker flew up and said...

"I don't know if its a son of a birch or a son of a beech"

"but that's the best piece of ash Ive ever had"

What's green and stays out all summer?

Paddy O'Furniture.

my first garden was in the front yard...
I had 5 yards of composted dirt delivered and dumped
right there, outside the front door..
we're rural enough it's fine.....
so, I tell the kids to stay out of the dirt..
don't play in it, don't dig in it, don't mess it up at all...
just leave it alone!!

I hadn't gotten to it yet, cuz I needed to smooth it down, get some support to the edges of it all and still warning the kids to stay out of the dirt...

one son comes in the house..."mom! mom!...."

what? I say....
he says all excited, the same way he is, when he's telling on his younger brother.....
he says...
"the cat just pooped in your garden...and she buried it, so you wouldn't know!!"

that boy is 28 now, over in Afghanistan... and I still think of it, when I get fresh dirt delivered....

Desi:
God speed to him and please thank him for us when you speak or write again.

mulio.....................peckers....ashes and the like ROFL

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining,
the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing,
and the lawn mower is broken.

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know
you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he woke up to noises in his garden and looked out the window and saw four men wearing jackets that said "FBI" and four policemen digging up his garden from one end to the other. He watched them dig for a couple of hours and then one came over with a piece of paper in a plastic envelope and asked "What do you know about this?" He read the letter through the plastic "Dear Pop, Don't dig in the garden! That's where the bodies are buried. Vinnie"

"I don't know anything about any bodies" he said to the cop and after another hour of fruitless digging they all left.

The next day he got another letter:
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant your tomatoes now. That was the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Vinnie

I know everyone has to start somewhere and not all of us were lucky enough to grow up with a garden, but still...

I gave a co-worker one of my baby cherry tomato plants and explained how to plant it and care for it. I have been asking her if she has any tomatoes started on her plant yet and she says "not yet but there are flowers". Then the other day I asked her again and she said that she hasn't seen any tomatoes, but there are these little green pea-like things and she didn't know what they were. OMG!!!

edie, I can relate to your co-worker who doesn't recognize the green "peas" on her vines as tomatoes.

I have four Gala apple trees. Gala is a sort of mixed red-gold color when ripe. After four summers, I'm still shocked to look out the back windows and see reddish apples as early as June. They're not ripe yet! How can they be red when they're not ripe?

And how will I know when they are ripe?

The other apples that are big enough to bear fruit are green or gold when ripe, so they don't confuse me ... until it comes to the question of how to recognize when they're ripe, since they too don't turn red when ripe! The simple answer is: they're later varieties, so they're ripe a couple of weeks after the Galas are ripe.

Now if only I knew how to tell when the Galas are ripe....

I posted that before I meant to.

The simple answer about when the Galas are ripe: before I think they are.

There was a post (I think here) from a guy who was talking about his healthy tomato crop at work. One of his coworkers complained that her tomato plant didn't have any tomatoes at all. He started asking about how she was growing the plant. Turns out the guy in the garden section at Home Depot told her for a big, strong plant she needed to pinch off the blossoms. And that's what she had been doing, all season long.

Just "little green pea-like things"....good grief...can't even think of anything to say to that....lol

I also read a post from someone here (forget who) who gave some seedlings growing in plastic cups to some coworkers. After a while, the coworkers asked when they would see any fruit. They said the plants were just lanky and spindly....turns out that they were still growing in the cups!

The jokes and anticdotes are hilarious, thanks for sharing them! I don't have anything to add right now but I'll think about it.