Eddie - I am a dog lover through and through. I currently own a 7-year-old yellow lab who follows me everywhere and sleeps on my bed when my husband is out of town. I've taken in stray dogs and tracked down their owners to return them home. I can't imagine living without a dog or two in the house.

About two years ago, we got a new neighbor who could have come straight from backwoods Georgia (oops! sorry, Eddie!) Luckily, there's a good-sized farm field between his place and ours, but he still managed to find ways to offend almost everyone within a five mile radius. His chief offense was running a puupy mill on his farm. He keeps a good-sized pack of dogs, none of which are trained in any way, and allows them to breed willy-nilly. Then every few weeks a sign offereing puupies goes up at the roadside. The exact wording varies depending on the results - "Lab puppies," Shepherd-Lab mix puppies," or my all-time favorite, "Large mix puppies." You see, the dogs are always running wild off his property, and we have a lot of coyotes in the area. I'd bet anything that some of those puppies had coyote blood in them.

The dogs running wild have created the biggest problems. They're all large, they're quite wild, and they have not had any of their required shots. Animal Control has found parvo-virus in some of the dogs. Animal Control and the Sheriff's department are in his driveway more frequently than a daily newspaper. The dogs have attacked a neighbor's donkey, have threatened kids playing in their yards, and may have been responsible for literally scaring to death a herd of goats.

At first, I would just yell at the dogs when they showed up on our property. As they became more aggressive, the neighbor with the donkey and my husband starting shooting at the dogs. By the time it had reached this level, I was in total agreement with what they were doing. Lest anyone misunderstand, I will repeat that Animal Control and the Sheriff were called many, many times. The man was hauled into court repeatedly. And still the dogs would run through the area at will.

So what I'm trying to say is that I can understand the motivation for shooting the dog in your story. But most animal lovers have not had the first-hand knowledge of someone who mistreats and misuses animals so badly that they really are better off dead. I think that you may end up offending too many people right off the bat. Find a more creative way to get rid of the dog - maybe ship him to your dear mother-in-law in another state?

I was hoping people might read the complete story to the end where it says: No real animals were harmed in the writing of this fictional story. I was just trying to find out if the concept of someone driven to the extreme of aboloshing an animal would be offensive to enough people that I should take that part out of my story. Words and ideas come hard to me but I take everyone's suggestions to heart and will rewrite if I have to. I got a big laugh about the guy being from back-woods Georgia. Maybe someday, with help, we will become civilized. Maybe we will even learn to say you guys when addressing women instead of the non-gender y'all (you all) Actually there was more to my story than I told: That dog had chased my neighbor's sheep till one got stuck in a barbed wire fence. I told my friend Bubba "look there Bubba, don't you wish that was Brooke Shields caught there like that?" and Bubba said "No, I just wish it was dark."

Eddie -
Because any market-sensitive editor would cut out the anecdote about buying the dog just to shoot it.

Most people will leaf through a book, paying attention to the beginnings of things ... turn them off with the beginnings and they won't read it through hoping it improves ... they will put it down and look for something more pormising.

Thanks for the honest comments. I will rewrite that part of the article (what if I say I took the dog to the pound?)
I notice I misspelled the word "abolished" above. Forgive me as I forgive myself. Someone, somewhere has to make an effort to protect the integrity of the language. Again, thanks for the comments and feel free to add more.

I don't know, Eddie, don't be too hard on your self - "aboloshing" sounds like something one would do to a really annoying animal.

Eddie I feel that you haven't made the dog deserve his fate. It's not funny enough (if thats what you're going for). I'm no writer, but maybe something like...

With my winnings I bought out my obnoxious neighbors on either side, I even bought the one guys mangy, uncivilized loud-mouth mutt! And I paid $100 for that sack of fleas. That hound barked and bit all the way to his new backyard, where I tied him to a tree, went inside, got my rifle, and finally put an end to his infernal barking once and for all.

Maybe you could pawn off that no-good mongrel on a distant in-law relative who has always annoyed you -- as an all time champion hunting dog -- see how he bays, that's the mark of a champeen!!! Accomplished two tasks in one.

Love the story except for the shooting the dog!!
Linda

Okay, I did a rewrite. Something (probably) happens to the dog but I am not the villan - Now what do you think?

I bought both my neighbors houses and lots on each side of me. I even bought
one neighbor's dog. Paid $100 for that mongrel. He said it was a hunting dog
but I doubt it. All that dog ever did was bark day and night. As soon as I
handed over the money I drug that mutt by the leash and tied him up in my
yard. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with him but I thought about the
dog in the movie "Vacation." About that time I saw an animal control truck
coming down the street so I flagged him down and said "take this dog with
you." That's the end of his infernal barking.
The neighbor began flailing my back with his tiny little fists saying "You
barbaric fool, you got rid of my dog." I reminded him that "No, I had just
gotten rid of MY dog."

What kind of drug did you use on the dog? I think you dragged the dog.
Also, the last sentence is a quote, so I don't think you'd use the past "had," but rather the present, "No, I just got rid of MY dog."
There are two or three other errors in the story, which I assume is because you haven't proofed it yet.

Just wondering if you are writing about gardening or the shooting/hauling away of an irritable animal? Which market are you leaning to? Maybe put it in short stories? You could try for the series "Soup for the..." but they take only calming stories. As an animal lover, I didn't like the humour of the first story. The rewrite was better.

I like this version better. By the way, I think that "drug" is the proper form of the verb in the vernacular.

I wrote earlier about my problem neighbor with the puppy factory. Latest word is that he's cooling his heels in jail for a bit - for shooting his girlfriend's cat!

Eddie, if you're ever interested in 10 acres in northern Illinois, I could use a new neighbor!

I think it is hilarious. I guess that makes me a babaric ignoramus. Where are all the cat lovers/history buffs complaining about the ground-up mummy cat ferilizer? I agree with a little more info about the dog being a pain in the butt, but would keep the shooting. Or have the neighbor go to the animial shelter and re-claim him and you just spent your $100 for nothing.

Thanks, I appreciate everyone's opinions and comments about punctuation, spelling, grammar and such, not to mention everyone's take on the effect and moral issue of a fictious story where an animal might be considered to have been mistreated. Any more comments? They are welcomed.

I shared a bit about my lovely neighbor and his puppy factory earlier; I just have to share the latest installment - call this a lesson in customer service.

He's had a sign out selling a used snowmobile for a couple of weeks now. Last Friday, a second sign went up - "Shepherd/Lab mix puppies $75.00 - will hold till Xmas Eve." This was like fingernails on a chalkboard to me for a couple of reasons. First, puppies should not be spur-of-the-moment gifts or surprise gifts. Any live animal needs a lot of care and the recipient should be ready, willing and able to provide that care. But more importantly, these puppies are off to such a poor start in life, the chances of the purchasers having a bad experience (i.e. a dead puppy) are pretty darn high.

I gave some serious thought of creating my own sign and sneaking it over there in the middle of the night. Something sure to inspire a purchaser, like "Parvo virus included at no charge!" But before I could do that, the puppy guy beat me to the punch. A new sign was posted right next to his driveway gate - "Stay the **** out - Beep Horn." Insert your favorite expletive beginning with the letter f. Yes, in large, clear letters that you can easily read at 55 MPH. I'm sure the customers are fighting to be first in line to "beep horn."

Eddie, if I gave you $100 could you treat this neighbor like a barking dog?

Wow Veronicastrum, some neighbor, but, as I have been told, there is supposed to be some sort of distinction between humans and dogs so although you may have a bad situation there I don't think you need me to solve it. In fact, I think your neighbor will eventually solve the problem somehow by being his own worst enemy. I used to work next to a (person) like that and it was just one of the reasons I took early retirement. Just be patient and remember: The Mac shall inherit the earth.

Not too bad as a story, but it has to remain exactly as written. Anything else reeks of censorship - an evil that will destroy a nation. I sat to hell with all this political correctness nicey-nicey crap! We have many serious problems in our country, one of which is laxness in both writing and enforcing laws.

Earthworm, I respectfully beg to disagree with you. I don't believe this is censorship at all - Eddie was asking for an opinion and several people offered theirs. Eddie decided what to do based on how he perceived those opinions. Censorship would have demanded that he change the story whether he wanted to or not.

It's the difference between a teenage girl asking her parents which outfit they like best, or the parents exploding and telling her she's not going to leave the house dressed like that.

We just told Eddie we'd prefer he change his dress!

"We just told Eddie we'd prefer he change his dress!"
Well I wish you hadn't put it quite like that but yes, I did ask for advice on whether I should edit it or not. I took the advice and altered my story and that section is just one little part of the overall story. Earthworm, I appreciate your viewpoint too and agree with the statement about too much political correctness.

Okay, I'll send that last part to re-write:

It's the difference between a teenage boy asking his parents which shirt they like best, or the parents exploding and telling him he's not going to leave the house dressed like that.
We just told Eddie we'd prefer he change his shirt!

Better? Seriously, I'm not a fan of political correctness either. I'm not espousing racism or other forms of prejudice; it just seems that the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction.

I had a recent experience with a long-time customer named Ray who became Rachel. For the first several months, I joked that I was "pronoun-impaired," never quite knowing whether to refer to he or she. Rachel was more than gracious enough to realize that her situation presented many people with challenges and she faced the situation with ample amounts of good humor which certainly helped ease the transition. Had she taken a very strident attitude and taken offense at every slip of the tongue, I would guess that her change would not have been accepted as well.

There's more than a few people in today's world that could learn a lesson or two from her!

Poor taste.

absolutely hilarious

Might I suggest installments to a rural based magazine, such as Country Living? or something similiar

People who have lived to long in the city might not be able to fully appreciate such things...they take themselves way too seriously

The only thing I can think of, is you are lacking some of the character development that will at once make everything believable (I know someone like that!) and just enough over the top that all will know you're being satirical.

Ever read anything by Patrick McManus? Base it all on truth, then blur the line and add a bunch.

Give the dog to the neighbor of your boss/mother-in-law/ex-wife/ex-husband... but don't kill it. You lost the reader's sympathy.

I like the bit about tiny little fists.

I like the original. It was hilarious.

I guess it depends on where it is published.

Kay.

Hello Eddie: I have avoided this question for four months believing it to be poor taste by my gentile standards. But you yourself (yerself) offer the standards with your unbelievable lottery win and your buddy Olen. This is intentionally 'white trash' whether tongue in cheek or not and this is the standard by which it should be judged. For it to work you should (in my opinion) bump up the humour because if it is not funny then it is poor taste.

acj, Thanks for the thoughtful and insightful reply. Is this a great chat room or what?

Eddie,
Too many people today worry too much about "market sensitivity". Remember, this is AMERICA and we have this thing called free speech. Which unfortuntely in today's world usually means free, IF, it from the PC or Liberal point of view. Write it the way you want and leave it to the buying public to decide, after all, you say you are financially secure and not doing it for the money. Go over to "Carolina Gardening" forum and look at the posting for "Squirrel Decisions". Not too many PC folks there.

Hey Eddie-
Lots of people put "lol" in their feedback, but i'm here to tell you, this is the first time I've EVER laughed out loud at anything on the net. The dog story has three things that Scot Adams (Dilbert Creator) says are necessary for good humor: Recognizability, Meanness, and Cuteness. For a joke to work, it only needs two. You're ahead of the pack. I LOOOOOVE my dogs, but anyone who ever lived next to a yapper with a long life span will cheer you on!

As for the rest of you, sheesh, lighten up! He didn't really do it. (Did you, Eddie?)

Are you trying to get me to incriminate myself? (laugh) At the end of my article is a disclaimer saying no actual dogs (or cats) were harmed in the creating of this article though I didn't want them to know that till they had reacted to the possibility of it. Acknowledging that there is freedom of speech and that some people thought the article was fine just the way it was I still think changing this part was the right thing to do because of several reasons: I asked for advice, I intend to take it, majority rules, and lastly, I don't want it to be offensive to too many people as I want my writing to be acceptable, but I think the poor taste like acj says, lies in the subject matter and the writing style. PS, I am glad you liked the original (shock) version

The original story is fearless, and that's one of the things that makes for good writing. Kill that damn dog any way you like, this IS a story for God's sake. Not everyone can be successfully outrageous -- those who can should put it out there and let it speak for itself.

I think it'll be a great BEST SELLER to the prison crowd, sociopaths and the select few out there with a warped sense of humor, like yourself. Go ahead and put your feet up on the desk and kick back now. Count on the residuals for retirement.

Anniew commented, "What kind of drug did you use on the dog? I think you dragged the dog."

To which Veronicastrum responded, "By the way, I think that "drug" is the proper form of the verb in the vernacular."

As a "Son of the South" I naturally find both arguments have merit. However, in most writing I think that while using vernacular in a direct quote is perfectly acceptable, in a descriptive sentence it is simply inexcusable.

For example, "He said, 'I drug that dog across the yard'" is perfectly okay. So is, "I dragged that dog.." But writing "I drug that dog.." wouldn't get past the editor unless of course the entire work was written in the same style (like the "Uncle Remus" stories.)

I hope that helps.

(Planting tongue firmly in cheek)

As the end of April approaches, plant-selling season is in full gear, I am working waaay too much and covering too much other stuff at home. Therefore, I have changed my opinion on the previous discussion of drug vs. dragged.

The proper word is drug, but the dog should not be drugged. Please drug me now. QUICK!

V, trying to maintain sanity for five more weeks.

If you're going to buy your neighbors dog just for spite, you gotta shoot it, don't pansy out and send it to the pound. Just make sure the reader will feel your pain so well regarding the mutt that he/she will back you up. Paint that dog as such a mangy flea-ridden incessantly barking PITA that you would get cheered for doing him in. He shat in your convertable, humped your dates leg, peed on your new shoes, barked at your window when you were shaving causing you to flinch and ooze blood on your shirt during a job interview....and so on....

What about an unexpected twist? You tie up the dog, come back with the gun, there he is wagging his tail--and you suddenly realize he hasn't barked once since the neighbor turned him over. So you tell him, any noise from you, and you've had it--and he licks your hand. Eventually you realize he's telepathic--he barked til you came over and got him, and now he can compel you to do anything else he wants. I'm sure you can come up with a better twist. Something out of left field....

The part about the gourds is funny. It's much more imaginative when the author makes references to himself and everyone ends up laughing together--at no one's expense. There's too much "put down humor" used in TV sitcoms nowdays and in real life, too. Shooting a dog is never funny. Animals are not to be mistreated under any circumstances. As gardeners and writers we have the opportunity and responsibility to sow seeds of kindness.

Reading that "story" was like trying to swallow glass. It might be the worst thing I have ever read.

Well, that is in character with your post on Round Robin II, the Sequel. I appreciate your honesty and wonder, if it was so bad, ..................? I think "darkshadow" is a bit prophetic. Please feel free to show us a sample of your writing.

Not funny. Definitely in poor taste. Spiteful. Negative. It might be a worthwhile writers exercise to make a list of synonyms for the attitude that has cast a dark shadow over Eddies valiant efforts. This from someone who joined us on the 12th of May and posted two one line rejoinders shortly afterwards. I imagine it was meant to demonstrate some kind of superiority but as Eddie rightly says put up or shut up!

Geez guys, relax, I was just giving my opinion. I thought that's what we were asked to do. And why should I have to "put up" to have an opinion? I also happen to think that The Mets stink. Does this mean I have to face Tom Glavine at Shea Stadium? (Although I probably would line a double off of that stiff.)

I did a rough tally and it looks like 2 undecided, 11 funny , 11 in poor taste and one for "the worst I ever read" which I admit probably swings the vote in favor of the "Poor Taste" contingency. It kinda reminds me of that Budwieser ad of "great taste vs less filling"

Eddie, input on your writing from other folks has it's place. But if you take too much of it, your writing will have the feel that it has been created by committee.

You have some great ideas and delivery! Assert them YOUR way!

Not everyone will be impressed, but that's life. If you are entertained, enlightened, amused, impressed or proud of your work, then you can be assured that a fair number of readers will be too!

(Hey, you've gotten about a 50% approval rating in this section of the forum! That's as good as most President's ever get!)

Ah tibouchine, those are great comments and much appreciated. Shall we dance?

For me, the killing of the dog overshadows the rest. Other than finding that aspect overly harsh, I found humor in the rest. I like tengrain and weedfan's ideas as alternatives.

Then again, maybe I've "lived near a city too long and take myself too seriously."

As you lowered the shot gun to blow off the hounds head the ragged critter let out a long howl. A howl that you recognized. The same howl that woke you one night, the night you took a walk and bought a ticket at the quick mart and won the Georga lottery. Through the shot gun sights the hound with the 8 million dollar howl began to look more like your golden goose

Pretty ingenious to tie that back to the beginning. Wish my mind worked like that.

The original post struck me as somebody who knows this piece is obnoxious and disgusting but wants people to read it anyway. (They did. Is your sense of power complete, now?)

That's how the post struck me.

I am surprised that this thread is still around, hey! I am surprised that I am still around.
If this forum was used in the way I had always imagined that it would be used, then there would be more threads like this. Testing out a story line or an idea and inviting ones peers to criticise is a healthy activity for all who participate. Yet for it to be beneficial it is not sufficient to say that the storyline is crap or to pass judgement. To say that something is crap and to outline why you think that way and how things may be improved is intelligent, and helpful, not only to the writer being criticised but to anyone else who may drop by and to the critic who has made an effort to articulate a view.
Perhaps Eddie was showboating perhaps it was the worst story ever to appear on the GW or perhaps it is the ONLY story written by someone brave enough to do it. If anyone has an alternative story, and remember that writing, unlike watching baseball, is NOT a spectator sport (that is called reading) please post it.

And it's all been downhill since.

I like the original version. It has a Hemingway touch to it.