I just want to give you a hug ((((bevinpa))))) even if it is only a cyber hug. I am so glad you have the support and understanding of your children as you cope with what has happened to your husband. You have obviously done all you can for as long as you can and then some. I saw my Mom go through what you are with her second husband. For awhile we were concerned that she might die before he did because of the stress and lack of rest. He had Parkinson's. Near the end he couldn't even scratch his nose when he needed to and even though we helped all we could most of the burden was on her. When the feeding tube had to be put in the decision about the NH was taken out of her hands, with that and other health concerns he required more medical help than she could provide. Ultimately only you can make the decision of course, but there are things that I hope you will think about. If your able to put him in a NH near by, you should be able to visit him regularly, perhaps almost daily. Your time together will better than the time you have now, you will be rested and refreshed during those visits. You will have time to enjoy your children and grandchildren and new things to share with him if he is able to understand your conversations with him. As someone else said, it isn't a perfect solution but it will go a long way toward giving you back your life while continuing to protect his. Whatever your decision I pray God will bless you and strengthen you in the days ahead.

being a member of a church in a historic neighborhood has much more advantages than the obivious ones. we are people from all walk of lifes, but to many of our advantages are members who are skilled tradespersons, many who advertise their businesses on the back of the weekly church bullitin. carpenters, electricians, plumbers, drywall, wallpaper, roofers, concrete and brick masons, chimney sweeps, anything an old house owner, or any home owner could dream of (or be blessed with, so to speak). i have used these services and i'll tell you now, a church member of who you see every week in church (or in the case of me, maybe every other week?) probaby will be less apt to mess with your mind than a choice out of the phone book, especially when you watch their kids on the playground or head up their kids scout troop. if they don't show up, or do poor work, you had better believe people WILL TALK.

I'll ask this directly: Does this particular SD (or her absentee mother, your husband etc.) have problems w/alcohol or other drugs? Because it sounds like it. If so, get yourself to Alanon asap. It can help. I really can appreciate your sensible efforts to detach from her destructive manipulations ( I especially applaud your insistence that she be removed from any financial entanglements w/you). And I can relate to your re-attaching to her via rescuing - although I'm no longer a rescuer. Thank God and a tremendous amount of help and hard work on my part. I think what will help your own distress/resentment (and up the ante for her to grow up) is for you to detach yourself entirely from this person and allow her to hit bottom. There are thrift shops in many towns that cater especially to expectant mother's and children; she can outfit herself w/maternity clothing there. There are soup kitchens too. Or perhaps she can consider joining a church and asking for help w/her problems. My point is, she's an adult. It's respectful to treat her as an adult. No matter what. If you are concerned about the unborn child's well being, bring her a small bag of healthy groceries once a week. Maybe she'll eat healthy food, or maybe she won't. Don't give her ANY money for food or anything else. You say that you'd do the same for your own children. I assume you mean you'd help if they were married and gladly expecting a child and were behaving like adults. What parent wouldn't want to help in those circumstances?! This is not the same circumstance. Moreover, you're sending a poor message to your own children by enabling her pathetic behaviors. And that message could have serious ramifications for them/you. What you are doing by saying "no" and then contradicting your 'no' by shopping for her (etc.) is not legitimately helpful. It's enabling damaging behavior and creating confusion and resentment. You are not helping her, you're hurting her, yourself, your family and your marriage. So stop it. And if your husband continues? Let him. Don't enable him either. He wants to take her shopping for club style maternity wear? Let him. Just make certain that your own financial interests are protected in this arrangement. And keep it aboveboard .. let him know that you will be protecting yourself financially. And then protect yourself financially. Notice how much he does/doesn't do when you back off. I suspect he'll enable less if you're not filling in for him as enabler. Ideally, she'll relinquish her child for adoption, since neither she nor the boyfriend are capable of bringing up at child at this point in time. Since there's a snowball's chance in you know what that she'll do that - and since there's a terrific likelihood that you'll be expected to raise their child - I would focus my efforts on making clear your intentions on that score immediately - if not sooner. Hope you find some help in what I've offered. I know that detaching lovingly from a sick situation can feel psychically backbreaking. And, it's so worthwhile. Keep asking for help. I hope you get many replies to your request for assistance/clarification. And I hope you hang in there and avail yourself of the wisdom you'll be given to consider.

Referring back to the original post, I do think that what tholbrook's SD did ---lying to authorities about her Dad & SM in a potentially very damaging way--- was terrible. It absolutely must be made clear to her that such behavior is unacceptable and that there will be serious consequences when it happens. But I think where you're hearing some divide is over what exactly those consequences should be. Some think it means SD should be banished from the house forever. I and a few others disagree with that. At least at this point. Yes, what SD did was extreme... but it must be properly understood and dealt with for what it was. Everyone on this board I think can more or less agree that she did it for negative attention. Some see that in itself as an offense, the needing of attention. Others see it as a call for help or some other means of resolving the situation. Here's what I think could be appropriate consequences for what she did: -make her write a formal apology letter to the authorities, admitting she lied and apologizing for wasting their time. (If she lies again to them in the future, have her next apology published in the local newspaper.) -make her volunteer every single weekend in a battered women's shelter for a while so she sees what abuse actually looks like and that it's not a thing to lie about. make her tell the employees at the shelter why she's there volunteering so they can help educate her. -make her do her own documentation every day that abuse is not taking place. have her photograph her arms, legs, face and neck every day with the absence of bruises and maintain a folder on the computer with these photos. have her conduct her own daily search of the house, corner to corner and write down every detail in a notebook. -buy her a big fat textbook on abuse and neglect and have her read it cover to cover and quiz her on it. Make the questions as picky as you wish. Until she gets 100% answers correct she will have to re-read the book and be re-quizzed on it every week. -make her go to counseling. make her keep a journal about what she's learning about herself and her feelings and why she felt a need to lie. Don't read it, but set aside an alloted hour each week that she is to do nothing else but write in her journal. You can sit on one side of a big room like the living room while she sits and writes on the other side, or in an adjoining dining room or whatever (so you're not on top of her but you can see if she's writing or not.) Whatever she wants, as long as she's writing something. even if it's total vitriol about you, it will at least be venting and purging it out of her. Then, later she can look at it and see how much anger she has inside and how upset it's making HER as well. -in the meantime, continue to treat her as you had in the past, without making any to-do or guilt trip over it, so that she can see how good she has it and how much of a hassle she caused for herself by lying about mistreatment. Teens will and do lie. Teens do crave attention. Many teens go through phases where they feel as though they absolutely despise their parents, even in the best of situations. Again, what tholbrook's SD did was beyond what the "average" teen might do. If I was in tholbrook's shoes, I'd be livid and deeply hurt myself. But again, the question is what truly is the most appropriate and effective way of dealing with what has been done. In my opinion, simply washing hands of her and shipping her off somewhere else is not going to solve the problem. And even if the thinking is it will at least get her out of your own hair, there is no guarantee that she won't continue to slander you from afar. I won't debate whether some people truly are just bad to the bone... I'm sure some are. (Hitler comes to mind.) But with a minor especially, it's more often the case that such extremes of behavior like this sort of lie is coming from a place of extreme fear, pain, desperation or emptiness. It may not even have anything to do with her parents, but something in her life is causing her to feel that such a lie was the only way to get some need of hers met. If you can try to see beyond your own hurt to see that and address it with SD, you may be able to have a positive impact on who she becomes as an adult, because she is very much still being formed... Basically she just needs to be shown that lying is no way to deal with your problems, and that there are consequences as well as alternatives. On the other hand, if OVER TIME and DESPITE YOUR BEST EFFORTS to talk to her and despite all warnings you give her of a specific appropriate consequence of her doing such a thing again she continues to do it, at that point the idea of switching houses might be in order. But it should be an absolutely last resort, and I think at least her dad (if not you too) should try and maintain some amount of neutral contact with her throughout.