My husband and I have different last names. I don't know what the correct protocol is, but I have noticed that on official documents (insurance policies, bank accounts) my husband's name is always listed first, even though his last name comes later in the alphabet than mine.

I also have a different last name from my husband, and I have to admit it's a bit of a headache even for us sometimes, when we call to discuss our account with someone and can't recall whose name it is under. And in the end, it's all about filing, isn't it?

What works for us is to use the name that is dominant in the dealings. The car repair shop has his name on file, while the arborists who pruned the willow have mine. I use these examples although they don't have the second name on file at all, but I notice they'll always accept payment from me at the car shop...

The ones where you are thinking of the clients as "Ms W. and DH" because the landscaping is obviously Ms. W's interest and DH is kindly co-operating might as well be listed and filed as Ms. W's project, because she's going to be the one calling you when there are questions. If they are really 50-50 (does this happen??) then you can always ask them how they'd like the names to be listed - which, come to think of it, you might as well do routinely rather than having rules. After all, you have to have a system that allows for same-sex couples, for parent-child or otherwise shared properties, and so on.

Add me to the list of those who have a different last name from my DH. Like Vicki, I notice that my husband is most often listed first on official and legal documents, but his name is alphabetically before mine.

Creatix, I think for your purposes, you may want to list your initial contact person first.

My personal way of dealing with the issue, by the way, is that I think of myself as Patty K..., part of the B... family. If I am dealing with something as a family matter, I am not offended to be Mrs. B... For example, I say to the confused teachers, coaches and so forth, "You can call me Mrs. B... if it's easier".

However, to my friends and colleagues, I am Patty K...

I'm not sure if there is any reason behind what is the correct (proper?) way of addressing this issue, but feminist that I am, I tend to lead with the female half of the partnership. OTOH, this is typically my primary contact person on the job so it makes a certain amount of sense in that regard. Is there a wrong way?

And how does one deal with an even more frequently occurring situation of same sex partners? Again, I lead with my initial/primary contact person. Is there an accepted protocol for this?

It is so hard to be politically (socially) correct in this day and age :-)

My wife always gets annoyed when mail for something that she has arraigned or purchased comes in my name. I do not care. In my household you would earn a few bonus points if you put my wife's name first.

- Brent

Social convention (according to those etiquette columnists)is that the woman's name comes first (as in "ladies before gentlemen"). So, a social invitation and other non-business correspondance should follow that format.

Business is another matter. It's probable that within commercial and financial institutions (banks, investment firms)the old convention has stuck around unpleasantly -- that of putting the man's name first solely because he is considered the principal in any business transaction, due to being the Key Wage Earner. The "little woman" comes after because it's presumed that she is not making the major financial decisions and payments.

Same for commercial industries and services that are traditionally considered the man's domain, such as automobile dealerships, plumbing and electrical contracting, and construction.

I would just use alphabetical order and say the heck with outdated conventions. Unless, of course, there truly is a dominant and a subordinate playah involved. For instance, if the husband is a love slave to a dominatrix wife, his name should definitely come after hers, regardless of alphabetical name order. >:D

I get really annoyed when mail from the car dealer where we bought my car comes addressed to my husband, even though both names are on the paperwork and registration, and I picked it out and drive it. They should address it to both of us.

I'd go with whoever made the initial contact, and then ask if you're not sure. I would welcome being asked a question like that.

Creatrix, I just wandered into this forum, I hope it is OK to put in my 2 cents...

I agree with the others who have suggested "first contact = first listed".

More importantly... Once you have decided and filed accordingly... Make sure that you ALWAYS file in the same place. DH and I (my last name is hyphenated) used to deal with an insurance agent who NEVER filed us in the same place twice. I generally try to remember where different agencies/companies have us filed, but that only works if they are consistent. It is not fun to stand around (or hold on the phone) for ten minutes while someone tries to locate your file!

When I used to work in car sales, I always asked who wanted to be listed first on the paperwork.

If you have received a check for deposit or payment, you could look at how the names are listed on that, or list the person first who signed the check.

On the drawing, I followed the order on the check- him then her. But on the file it's her name,she's been my main contact.

I put a slash between the names, since they are not hyphenated.

My DH and I have the same last name. I get agitated when companies send mail to my company with my husband's name on it. He has nothing to do with it (except for being very patient with the lower income than before!) Capitol One won't be getting my business!

You beat me to the punch by answering your own question. 'Whomsoever pays gets top billing'. Although on a drawing you could just as easily use the address. "Peony garden on Pine Avenue" "Curb appeal in Cedar Crescent" "Mediteranean Paradise miles from the sea" it sends shivers up my spine just thinking of the possibilities.

I do seasonal tax preparation and usually smile and ask: "Which one of you is the taxpayer and which is the spouse?" They usually laugh, and usually the person with the higher income goes first.

(If I ask it memorably enough, they remember their answer the next year, which makes it easier to look up.)

I can see it now: "Which one of you is the gardener, and which is the one only hoping to have a place to lounge with a margarita?"

morfydd, if they laugh, it's probably because they are insulted and uncomfortable, because the question isn't funny. If you said that to my husband and me, I would take my business elsewhere. If you want to know what it's filed under in your cabinet or computer, ask what name it's filed under. My husband works and I don't, but it wasn't always that way, and a good deal of our assets were mine before we got married and put everything in one pot.

Fortunately, I do my own taxes.

Oh for heavens sake. Just ask them. They'll tell you how they want their 'billing' on the marque!

LOL, morfydd! We would crack right up if you said that to us. But we like to play the credit card game when we go out for dinner, too. I discreetly place mine in the leather folder. And then we watch as 7 out of 10 waiters places the bill in front of my helpmeet. :)

We have follwed the old, "ladies before gentlemen" in listing our names on mutually held assets. But we don't really care one way or the other.

When in doubt, it is a simple, respectful courtesy to simply ask the couple how they would like their names arranged.

What do you do when it is a gay couple?

Then do it the same way for straights with different last names. That should work.