Very sound advice, but remember that step-fathers often do fare better than step-mothers. This is making a long story, short, but step-fathers go along with bio-mothers, and BMs, either due to giving birth or DNA or the societal culture, or such, are held in high esteem, almost to the level of sainthood, and can virtually do no wrong. Not putting any judgement on that. Just saying that is the way it is. And, most bio-mothers get primary custody of the children as well. So, step-fathers get to ride on that high wave along with bio-mom.
On the other hand, bio-fathers. . . well, that reputation is no where near as good. You hear the term deadbeat dad or absentee father a lot. Bio-fathers don't give birth to the child, even tho. genetically they contribute the same as bio-mom, there seems to be nothing built into the DNA to connect child and father, and societal culture, at least in the US, seems to imply that bio-fathers are not needed anywhere near as much as BMs, so bio-fathers don't get the same boost that bio-mothers seem to get just from being one. When a woman comes along and marries bio-dad and becomes a SM, there is no wave for her ride. Instead, she starts out several ranks down.
So, although there are similarities to step-fathers and step-mothers, there are also notable differences in the position they may both be starting from. This is a generalization, of course, but step-fathers get to join bio-mom on her pedestal, while step-moms for the most part get to join bio-dad down in the dumps. This is why it is not all that uncommon for SKs to want their step-father to walk them down the aisle rather than bio-dad, yet when comes to step-mom at a wedding, Lord only knows what is going to happen to her. She may not even be thought of as dad's wife. Instead she'll be thought of as dad's woman/ intruder, and she may find herself seated in the back of the church, away from her husband, or not allowed in any family pictures, even though she has been married to her husband for years.
You deserve kudos for sure. I know and I'm sure you put a lot of hard work into your relationship with your SKs, but most step-moms have a much higher ladder to climb than step-fathers just by virtue of being a step "mom" rather than a step "dad." Some books recognize this and some don't. Some counselors recognize this and some don't. Yet, this is just one crucial point that I think a lot of so-called professionals miss. I agree with you that I do think they miss a lot of things, simply because step-parenting is a whole different animal, and unless you have experienced it and done a lot of research, you would be amazed at how complicated the dynamics of the blended family really are.
Q