How to Help Clients Dealing With a Death, Divorce or Other Change
A general contractor, an interior designer and an organizer detail special process considerations for grieving clients
Any design or remodeling project can spark emotional upheaval in homeowners. But clients who have recently experienced or are in the midst of a major life change, like a family member’s death or a divorce, can present unique challenges for home professionals. “You can’t go in and expect that they’re going to change their entire life overnight,” Chicago interior designer Susan Brunstrum of Studio Brunstrum says. “You have to tread lightly and carefully and have an understanding of what they’re going through. Sometimes they do want to make a complete and utter change. You just have to access that with them.”
We recently spoke with Brunstrum and two other home pros about the different ways they approach delicate client situations like death, divorce or separation, a family member’s moving in or out, and other emotionally charged scenarios, and what advice they’d offer to fellow pros facing similar projects.
We recently spoke with Brunstrum and two other home pros about the different ways they approach delicate client situations like death, divorce or separation, a family member’s moving in or out, and other emotionally charged scenarios, and what advice they’d offer to fellow pros facing similar projects.
Brunstrum also advises fellow designers and pros to make empathy the foundation of their approach with grieving clients. Having been through the pain of being widowed and getting divorced herself, Brunstrum has a special perspective on the importance of empathy in her work. “I understand what they’re going through, so because of that I can empathize and know what’s going to happen on the other side of it,” she says. “I’m able to hold their hand and help them make the right decisions.”
A widow in her late 70s whom Brunstrum and her team worked with a few years ago, for instance, had downsized to a townhouse after losing her husband. The client was looking for a change but wasn’t ready to part with her furnishings and the art collection she and her husband had built over the years.
“She wanted the comfort of some of those furnishings — she wasn’t willing to let go — but we reupholstered everything. She wanted a fresh start even though it was hard, and she realized things were different. She wanted it to be a bit more feminine and a bit more about her, so we were able to do that using a number of her pieces,” Brunstrum says. “Every piece of art on her wall, she would tell me a story about where she and her husband found it, who the artist was, what year it was, all of that. Well, of course that was precious, so we used all of her art, and that was the heart and the start of the project for the color palette in the whole home.”
5 Ways to Build Trust Right Away
A widow in her late 70s whom Brunstrum and her team worked with a few years ago, for instance, had downsized to a townhouse after losing her husband. The client was looking for a change but wasn’t ready to part with her furnishings and the art collection she and her husband had built over the years.
“She wanted the comfort of some of those furnishings — she wasn’t willing to let go — but we reupholstered everything. She wanted a fresh start even though it was hard, and she realized things were different. She wanted it to be a bit more feminine and a bit more about her, so we were able to do that using a number of her pieces,” Brunstrum says. “Every piece of art on her wall, she would tell me a story about where she and her husband found it, who the artist was, what year it was, all of that. Well, of course that was precious, so we used all of her art, and that was the heart and the start of the project for the color palette in the whole home.”
5 Ways to Build Trust Right Away
Divorce or Separation
In the case of a divorce or separation, most couples will have already divvied up belongings by the time a pro is hired. While each couple is different, Brunstrum says half the couple — in her experience, it has typically been men — is often left with less to work with, furnishings-wise. “Men kind of get the leftovers. Often they’re back to living sort of college-esque,” she says. “They just have pieces and parts, and nothing really has a whole lot of meaning. So then it really is starting over.”
The prospect of starting over can be overwhelming for these clients, Brunstrum says, but it can also be exciting, as it’s often the first time the client has had a chance to make all the design and decor selections on his or her own. This can be true in cases of the death of a spouse or partner as well. “The fact that ‘oh my gosh, suddenly I get to make every decision for my own house; how exciting is that? I don’t need 20 pillows because my wife wanted them,’ or ‘I don’t need a La-Z-Boy chair because my husband likes to sit in one,’” she says. “That is really different for them.” It can be a steep learning curve in those instances, with some clients needing more education and guidance than others.
Additionally, thinking through future needs when a client may not be in the mindset for considering them is particularly important, Brunstrum says. For example, she and her team recently plumbed a bathroom for two sinks but installed only one for the time being for their now single client. The second vanity area is being used as a makeup table, but building in the infrastructure while the walls were open allows for more options in the future.
“If she decides to get married or sell the house and someone wants a second sink there, the work is already done,” Brunstrum says.
How to Play Relationship Referee With Client Couples
In the case of a divorce or separation, most couples will have already divvied up belongings by the time a pro is hired. While each couple is different, Brunstrum says half the couple — in her experience, it has typically been men — is often left with less to work with, furnishings-wise. “Men kind of get the leftovers. Often they’re back to living sort of college-esque,” she says. “They just have pieces and parts, and nothing really has a whole lot of meaning. So then it really is starting over.”
The prospect of starting over can be overwhelming for these clients, Brunstrum says, but it can also be exciting, as it’s often the first time the client has had a chance to make all the design and decor selections on his or her own. This can be true in cases of the death of a spouse or partner as well. “The fact that ‘oh my gosh, suddenly I get to make every decision for my own house; how exciting is that? I don’t need 20 pillows because my wife wanted them,’ or ‘I don’t need a La-Z-Boy chair because my husband likes to sit in one,’” she says. “That is really different for them.” It can be a steep learning curve in those instances, with some clients needing more education and guidance than others.
Additionally, thinking through future needs when a client may not be in the mindset for considering them is particularly important, Brunstrum says. For example, she and her team recently plumbed a bathroom for two sinks but installed only one for the time being for their now single client. The second vanity area is being used as a makeup table, but building in the infrastructure while the walls were open allows for more options in the future.
“If she decides to get married or sell the house and someone wants a second sink there, the work is already done,” Brunstrum says.
How to Play Relationship Referee With Client Couples
A Family Member’s Moving In or Moving Out
Seattle general contractor Brian Heidsiek, the owner of design and remodeling firm Come Home, says listening is at the heart of working with clients going through something like having an elderly parent move in. One family Heidsiek worked with, for instance, hired his team to remodel their home to accommodate the mother of one of the owners following his father’s death. Sensitive family dynamics made the work tricky, so Heidsiek relied on the design process and building trust.
“In a situation where there’s this higher intensity of anxiety or emotions, it’s even more critical to use design as a tool to create conversation and to make decisions,” Heidsiek says. In this particular case, for example, the wife wasn’t fully on board with the change, and the elderly mother wasn’t able to voice her opinions as much as other family members. “It’s my job to listen to everybody, but the person who has something to say but who doesn’t get a turn? I make sure I give them a turn,” Heidsiek says.
Seattle general contractor Brian Heidsiek, the owner of design and remodeling firm Come Home, says listening is at the heart of working with clients going through something like having an elderly parent move in. One family Heidsiek worked with, for instance, hired his team to remodel their home to accommodate the mother of one of the owners following his father’s death. Sensitive family dynamics made the work tricky, so Heidsiek relied on the design process and building trust.
“In a situation where there’s this higher intensity of anxiety or emotions, it’s even more critical to use design as a tool to create conversation and to make decisions,” Heidsiek says. In this particular case, for example, the wife wasn’t fully on board with the change, and the elderly mother wasn’t able to voice her opinions as much as other family members. “It’s my job to listen to everybody, but the person who has something to say but who doesn’t get a turn? I make sure I give them a turn,” Heidsiek says.
Combining lifestyles is always a balancing act, but when it’s driven by an elderly parent’s death or other sensitive circumstances, a new layer of considerations comes into play. Heidsiek suggests that other pros get creative in these cases. With the family designing around the elderly mother, for example, his team emphasized multipurpose spaces with less permanent demarcations of space, like half-height walls for privacy and soundproofing.
Pros should also keep in mind that with the emotions involved in these projects, unexpected changes may be more likely, and they should factor those possibilities into their professional process, Heidsiek says. For example, when his clients decided they weren’t ready for the mother to move in after all, and canceled the project before physical work got underway, his policy to charge for initial design services paid off.
“I think the thing to keep in mind is that [situations like this are] volatile,” Heidsiek says.
Pros should also keep in mind that with the emotions involved in these projects, unexpected changes may be more likely, and they should factor those possibilities into their professional process, Heidsiek says. For example, when his clients decided they weren’t ready for the mother to move in after all, and canceled the project before physical work got underway, his policy to charge for initial design services paid off.
“I think the thing to keep in mind is that [situations like this are] volatile,” Heidsiek says.
On the other end of the spectrum, when a family member such as an adult child moves out, that presents its own challenges for clients and pros. That type of change brings with it a lot of emotions, but also a lot of new possibilities many clients won’t have considered. A child’s bedroom can become an office or a den or a gym, for instance. A large dining table may no longer be necessary in the kitchen when an island could serve as a breakfast perch.
“You can’t ask too many questions to understand how they want to live in that space,” Brunstrum says. “We get so accustomed to the way things are that we don’t often realize how much of a change can be made.”
Leave Your Clients With a Memorable Customer Experience
“You can’t ask too many questions to understand how they want to live in that space,” Brunstrum says. “We get so accustomed to the way things are that we don’t often realize how much of a change can be made.”
Leave Your Clients With a Memorable Customer Experience
Other Emotionally Charged Situations
Heidsiek points out that clients may not need a traumatic event to put them in a stressed-out mindset ahead of a home project. A major remodel is often stressful enough. And pros should always be prepared to factor in and work around whatever emotional issues have their clients on edge.
Solay recalls working with a client, for instance, who struggled with extreme cluttering behaviors. The woman had fled Nazi Germany with her family as a child, and the experience had led her to hoard books as an adult.
“Her father told her she was stupid and she didn’t need books anyway, and when they fled, they wouldn’t allow her to take any books with her. So she went through life thinking she was stupid until she came to the States, went to school, realized she was smart, and she began just collecting books, books, books,” Solay says. “So I said, ‘Boy, you’ve got a lot of books,’ and she almost had a panic attack.”
Solay recognized the books’ importance and assured her client that they should be showcasing the books instead of just piling them up. That shift in perspective pushed the woman to choose the books she loved most and display them in a new bedroom bookcase. She donated the rest. “She had a completely different value of herself, her self-esteem and really priding herself on her love of books,” Solay says.
Heidsiek points out that clients may not need a traumatic event to put them in a stressed-out mindset ahead of a home project. A major remodel is often stressful enough. And pros should always be prepared to factor in and work around whatever emotional issues have their clients on edge.
Solay recalls working with a client, for instance, who struggled with extreme cluttering behaviors. The woman had fled Nazi Germany with her family as a child, and the experience had led her to hoard books as an adult.
“Her father told her she was stupid and she didn’t need books anyway, and when they fled, they wouldn’t allow her to take any books with her. So she went through life thinking she was stupid until she came to the States, went to school, realized she was smart, and she began just collecting books, books, books,” Solay says. “So I said, ‘Boy, you’ve got a lot of books,’ and she almost had a panic attack.”
Solay recognized the books’ importance and assured her client that they should be showcasing the books instead of just piling them up. That shift in perspective pushed the woman to choose the books she loved most and display them in a new bedroom bookcase. She donated the rest. “She had a completely different value of herself, her self-esteem and really priding herself on her love of books,” Solay says.
Putting clients and their needs first is always essential as a home pro, Brunstrum, Solay and Heidsiek all say. But when those clients are working through a major life change, compassion, creativity and understanding take on an even greater significance professionally and personally.
“That’s part of my role and responsibility as a designer,” Brunstrum says. “To help you walk through that and navigate that, and come out whole on the other end and feel good about those changes, and really love your home again.”
Tell us: How have you helped clients going through life changes? Share your stories and tips in the Comments.
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“That’s part of my role and responsibility as a designer,” Brunstrum says. “To help you walk through that and navigate that, and come out whole on the other end and feel good about those changes, and really love your home again.”
Tell us: How have you helped clients going through life changes? Share your stories and tips in the Comments.
More Resources for Pros on Houzz
Browse millions of photos for inspiration
Talk with your peers in the Pro-to-Pro discussions
Homeowners who’ve lost a spouse, parent or other family member and have sought out a home professional to help them transition into a new phase of life without their loved one may be hesitant to part with their family member’s belongings. Professional organizer Gylian Solay, who also has a degree in mental health counseling, recalls feeling that she was violating her mother’s home when she tackled clearing it out at the end of her mother’s life. Solay, the owner of organizing firm Chaos to Carefree in Maui, Hawaii, says she often works with clients who feel fearful and ashamed at the thought of parting with memory-evoking household items as well.
“I just constantly say, ‘What’s the intrinsic value to you of this piece? Yes, it had memories, and at the same time it’s important to you, so what is its importance? What does it mean, and how does it help you in your life now?’” she says.
Highlighting the different ways that repurposing, selling or donating pieces may serve someone else can also help shift clients’ perspectives. “I always try to bring it to a really uplifting space, so when they part with it they know that someone else is going to enjoy it,” Solay says.
Establishing an even deeper sense of trust and empathy than you might with other clients, early on in the professional relationship, is key, she says. “Be totally compassionate, nonjudgmental, patient. Give them the opportunity. Never force them and never tell them, ‘Get rid of this! This is ugly!’” she advises. “Think of yourself in that situation. I’m sure all of us, no matter what professional level we’ve been at, whether it’s construction or remodeling or building a closet, we’ve all been on the other side where we’ve had to let go of things.”