Hi,
I just read your post and i just had to reply because i know exactly how you are feeling this morning. As a step-mother myself for nearly 20 years, i've had aloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot of trouble with my oldest daughter. I met her father when she was 9 and i too am his third wife. From the very first day i met this step-daughter, she never liked me. It took me years and years and years to get over it and worst of all, is that her father, never, never, never talked to her about her attitude towards me. So believe me, her father and i had alot of arguments over this child but one day, i said enought is enough. I never confronted her like you did, whom in my opinion, was totally in the wrong to physically attack you, but i did wished i could have confronted my step-daughter many, many, many times to tell her how i felt about her, how she hurt me with her attidude and rudeness. But i never did cuz i know her father would really have been upset if i had done that and since we'ed already had many fights him and i over his daughter, i preferred to keep my mouth shut and treat her as best as i could and i did that for years. I always felt hypocrite treating her no different than my other two step-children, but i felt i had no choice until one day when i said enough is enough. I started to completely ignore her. I mean totally ignore her. After all, that is how she had treated me for years and guess what, i never felt guily about ignoring her. In fact, she started totally changing her attitude towards me. This happened about two years ago when i decided to ignore her and today, our relationship is much better but i am still carefull even more careful than ever around her cuz i know i can be hurt by her very easily. Hubby and i also went to counselling at one point because of her and many other reasons. But honestly, i don,t think the counselling help with my situation with his daughter. What i really thinked helped me the most is reading alot on step-parenting, and most importantly reading the book The Dance of Anger. I also went away for a week all by myself to think things over. I didn't call any of the kids during that week nor did i call hubby. Once the week was over and i was back home, my decision had been made. I did not care what this child or hubby thought of me anymore in regards to my relationship with this girl. I truly didn't care if my attitude bothered her or her father.
This being said, the only advice i can give up as a step-parent who has been in your situation, is this : As of today, detach from this young woman. Really, really, really make an effort not to be around her and her father when they are together.I've seen myself staying home for two weeks at a time, all alone, while hubby was up at the lake with this step-daughter. I started taking aqua fitness classes at night when i knew she was coming over. I refused to be in the same room as her when she was there. I refused to visit her home. I even refused to answer the phone when i knew she was calling! I stopped buying her xmas gifts or birthday gift. I let her father take care of that and if i had to sign a card for her, all i wrote was somehting like Merry Christmas and then my name. Nothing more, nothing less. Slowly but surely, i think she started getting the point, that is, that she could not hurt me anymore. I am sure you always did your best with this child. One day, she will come around but first she has to earn your respect. Let her be. Don't even bother talking to your husband about her anymore or the situation that happened this weekend.Maybe one day you will be able to discuss it, but not right now. It will only cause more fights and remember, that is his daughter and what parent would not go to the end of the world to defend their child!
Completly detach from her. Bless her and go on with your life, and your husband's and your life. If she calls soon, tell her you do not wish to talk to her now. If she comes around your home, just do your thing. Go outside. Don't do what your husband could do for her. Don't do anything anymore for her.
Keep posting. I'm looking forward to hearing from you again and be good to yourself today.
Cheers.
Q