Sorry for your shock, Funky. This bride didn't demand but other brides do. She just asked the host for a theme. However, we don't know if her theme was an easy wish to grant or if it created a burden for the hosts. If it created a burden, is it rude to ask? I think so.

When it's a demand or an expectation of excess and we fulfill it, we're teaching them to be demanding and to expect excess. If you've ever known a child whose every whim was catered to and who grew up to be a self-centered adult, you'd know what I mean.

I'd bet money that my niece's high school prom gig was more over-the-top than your wedding.

That is very true. Younger folk don’t seem to go out of their way to celebrate except for huge milestones like major birthdays and anniversaries, graduations and, of course weddings. Because the events are rare, planning and hosting is daunting and people tend to want things ”over the top” with as they see it as a one off situation. My kids’ generation tends to get together at restaurants where there is no inconvenience to anybody—- but it’s far less relaxed and personal, and when they do host they act like its a Herculean task and everything is a chore. I think this is just the way the world is going…..and when there is an event either the host or honoree feels it must be themed or very splashy. Asking the bride and her family if there is food she doesn’t or cannot eat is obviously what a gracious host would do, but consulting them on every bit of the menu is not. I agree that how the whole subject was brought up and the extent of what the bride’s mother has asked —or mentioned— is a salient fact. It would, in fact, have been very appropriate for the MOB to say, while thanking her friends for offering to host the shower, ”if you need any help with ideas for food or decor I’d be happy to help” or something like, ”if you were looking for ideas, Jane’s color scheme for the wedding is pink and green,” etc. It would not be appropriate to say ”Jane is really into horses and has an equestrian theme for her wedding— wouldn’t it be fun if you decorated your porch like a barn?” There are ways for both parties to ask and offer gracefully….. presentation of a request is everything.

When I think about the younger generation and the weddings that I have attended or been invited to I don't see them as "over-the-top" and I am not sure that is a fair generalization.

I just pulled up my friends and family events spreadsheet and see 7 weddings over the past decade.

One was not a "younger generation" wedding. It was a second wedding for a friend that is my age.

The 6 "younger generation" weddings were all relatively simple. They all had competing priorities (wanting to pay off student loans, buy a home, start a family. . . ) None of them had more than 70 guests (big family accounts for the first 30-35 guests on my side of the family) and spent wisely, having something that balanced their desires against their other goals.

Maybe because the parents didn't just foot the bill for everything, but had saved as much as they could while raising the children and gave their kids the choice of how they wanted to spend the money impacted their decision making process.

In a perfect world (which I once was part of 😊).

Best friend…”I’m so excited, Janey has set a marriage date!”

Me … “little Janey! I’d love to have a bridal shower for her”

Best friend….”That is so nice”

Me….”I can comfortably host 30, what would be a good date? Would a brunch, tea, luncheon or cocktail party be best for her (while hoping the answer is a daytime event). Does she have a favorite color? “

Best friend….’seafoam mint, a tea would be lovely, any afternoon the last weekend of May. Thank you so much, I love you for doing this. You are beautiful, smart and kind.”

Me..”Send me the invitation list, website and registry information and I’ll get started.”

Best friend…”THANK YOU!”

And that was that. I never had a bridal shower failure. Often I would receive a floral arrangement, (edit+ from the MOB), the day before the event that I would use as part of the decor.

BUT! That was a few years ago, before photos on TikTok, Photo Booth backdrops were just as important as the wedding.

We come from different views on good manners. Today, thank you notes, or even texts are blown off. Immediate family members ,mothers or sisters, hosting showers,…( I expect 🔥 on this) And rude not to ask what the bride-to-be would like for the shower you have offered? No. We only asked for time of day: brunch, lunch, cocktail ,and number of guests. We settled on 30-ish.

Paraphrasing Kswl, ‘Jane is really into surfing and has an ocean-surf theme for her wedding— she thinks it would be fun if her shower was decorated in the same way’ .

Recovering from the surprise of her suggestion, we decided we’d respond with a nice “go for it” . Wedding is in the fall. Need to find out what she means re ”decorations”.

We are all fond friends. It will be fine. It was interesting to learn differing views.

In the prehistoric era, I was delighted when friends said they would like to give me a shower. No theme or fancy decorations were asked for from them. I was indeed the center of attention for the wedding and shower. It never occurred to me that I wasn't. They planned it all (shower) and we all had fun. I am not sure why anyone would assume otherwise. I planned the wedding. We all had fun again.

Maddielee, I have had similar

conversations and no failures.

JenniferHogan, while I commend your family and friends on their fiscal conservatism I must point out that none of our personal experiences or anecdotes is fact. The average cost of a wedding has risen well beyond the rises in the cost of living, to wit:

And

So while the wedding may not be such an expensive event in your family or geographoc area it definitely is in others. And I can attest that one of our employees, despite being warned not to do so by her own family, spent the better partnof her student loan one year on her wedding. It wasn’t a king’s ransom but it was more than they could afford out of pocket.

This all reminds me of a wedding shower that my aunt had for me, 39 years ago. She insisted that it was to be a kitchen shower. I didn’t care one way or another. When I opened her gift last, it was a negligee! Not sure what she was expecting me to wear in the kitchen, but it was kind of hilarious.

The theme for a shower should be: We love you, are buying you gifts, and wishing you well.

So none of your daughters had weddings where she was the focus? None of them had a shower that was how she wanted it to be (theme, formality, coed, etc)?

@Funkyart - A wedding and a shower are very different things. If the bride is planning the wedding and paying for it, she can do what she wants. If someone is hosting a shower for you and paying for it, you show up and say thank you! If they ask for your input then you can tell them.

Yes, the day can be all about the bride, but the shower does not have to be. The shower should be about the generosity of the bride's community showering her with gifts.

My neice who is like a daughter to me got married last year. Her friends threw a shower and the whole thing was a surprise to her. She was thrilled to not know a thing about it and she loved everything they did for her.

I got married 20 years ago. I had lots of thoughts about my wedding. But my mom's friends threw the shower and I showed up and said thank you.

I have thrown a few showers and both times I brainstormed with the bride before hand so we were on the same page but there was no theme.

continued from my post above. (in today’s era.)

Best friend…”what can I add to help?”

Me…”you and Janey know my house, If she might like a different special photo booth backdrop, I‘ll let you do it. I learned from experience, found it best if Command hooks are necessary, we should install them the day before hanging the backdrop.”

I was unaware that weddings have themes and now showers too? I did know barn weddings were a thing and some couples even tell guests how they should dress for the theme. It's all getting too orchestrated, isn't it?

The bride can bring her surf board and decorate around it. Put a few shells on the table. Play some Beach Boys music in the background.

If I were hosting a shower for a gf's daughter, I would certainly ask if the bride/MOB had any special requests for food, and would ask about dietary restrictions for the guest list. I might ask for a color scheme to be used for flowers/table clothes/etc. I would not expect them to expect me to purchase out of the ordinary decorations. I could get flowers in specific colors, sure. But I would not want to have to purchase 'surf' decorations that I would never use again. If the bride/MOB wanted to get those items, we can discuss how/where they could go in my home.

Whew. I was never a fan of showers to begin with. To me they just seem like gift grabs. So, I give you an engagement gift, and then a couple weeks before the wedding I give you another gift and then a wedding gift? Many many moons ago, my maid of honor asked what I wanted for a shower. I said absolutely no shower. She took me out for a nice brunch. We were both happy.

When my DD got married, her maid of honor threw the shower. It was a lunch at a restaurant. I offered to pay for it, or at least a good part of it, and she absolutely refused. She and the other bridesmaids paid for it. I was not happy about that. These were young girls who certainly didn't have a lot of money but they insisted.

It's not uncommon in my area for an upper middle class-very bottom of the upper class wedding here to top $100,000.

My niece who at one time worked for a high end catering-restaurant company, was involved in planning birthday parties with budgets of $25,000 or more. ( They did things that cost $1000 too, it's not like they only did $$$) She was one of the people working on a bar mitzvah that cost close to $100K. Every guest got a pair of sneakers, the boy making his bar mitzvah was involved in the entire menu selection, which involved several "tasting" meetings, including the wine and champagne for the adults.

I guess if you have it to spend, it's fine. But I have been to a couple receptions for people with pretty ordinary jobs that really must have tapped out their savings for them.

Showers now have a welcome sign and favors that are a coordinated theme. Such as "Mary Beth, our Bride to Bee" with little bees flying around. Then the favor may be a little jar of honey . Honeycombs (hopefully not real ones) may have been on the tables with the favors for decor. I don't find a theme to be that unusual.

I feel like these types of things were always done to some degree. I remember little Hallmark accordion popout thingies for showers back in my day. The difference now is printing of large signs is easily done many places and photos of everything is posted on line.

Some brides really live for the spotlight and others are more subdued. This could also vary depending on is going to be at this shower. My Besties--I want it eleborate to really celebrate me! Moms friends and family--I'm there for the gifts.

@ Kswl I am a data analyst and there are some serious issues with the data used to come up with that $38k number.

Fist is that the sample is skewed. The Knot is surveying members of their online planning site. People with smaller, less elaborate gatherings don't need to use a planning site to plan their wedding.

Per The Knot the average wedding has 115 guests and costs $38k but for the past few years they have stopped reporting both the average and the median cost.

When they did use both median and average the difference was about $10k.

Here is a much smaller independent survey that asked the wedding budget and number of guests for people planning to get married in the next 6 months.

https://civicscience.com/wedding-trends-in-2024-spending-and-celebrations-downsized-this-year/

If you only survey women who have a Nordstrom's credit card and ask how much women spend on clothing every year the answer is going to be very different than if you survey women in the mall, and even that will exclude women like me who don't go to a mall and order 2 pairs of slacks, 2 t-shirts, 2 sweatshirts and 2 pairs of shorts every year from the same 3 stores.

I think you might find that the amount people plan to spend on their weddings might be very different that what they actually spend. Your data is also vague (or soft) in that the question asked is how much do YOU plan to spend on a wedding. The respondents are not answering the question, ”How much will your wedding cost?” And therefore the respondents’ families’ or partners’ contributions may not be represented in your figures.

@ palimpsest - I have known some very wealthy people who spent crazy money on birthday parties and weddings. But for the average American Household with an average household income of $80k this is not reality.

They say a couple should budget 10%-15% of their combined annual income on their wedding. For a couple earning $80k that means $8k-$12k. Mom and Dad may kick something in, but if mom and dad are average they can't kick in another $90k.

I don’t know who They are but they always seem to say stuff that may or may not be valid, true, accurate, relevant or timely 😎

I have been to some relatively inexpensive weddings even recently including one where the bride made all the table decorations and favors, the family decorated the venue, had inexpensive caterers with a service line and a cash bar, and the bridal party had to stay and clean up afterward.

It was a perfectly fine wedding and reception, but there was a lot of DIY, even on the day of the event. And it was very basic.

( Close to the old school type of reception I used to go to years ago where you would often grab something to eat between the ceremony and reception because you really weren't going to be super well-fed at the reception. I've been to receptions at fire halls and high school cafeterias, where they passed around big bags with party sized bags of chips or pretzels in them and you picked one bag by vote for the table. And there was the bag of chips as appetizers, the dinner (meat/veg/potato/roll/salad) , and a piece of cake. And a cash bar. I grew up in a very working class area. And they were fun. But it was not like going out to dinner at a restaurant.)

I know that all in the coworker in the first paragraph she said she was having a real struggle trying to stay under $15,000. which was more realistically between 20-25% of their combined income at the time. I don't know what they could have done to bring in a wedding for $6000. Not where I live. I am not arguing with your data, I don't know about national data. But knowing the cross section of people I know I don't know Anybody who had a typical sized reception that came in at 10% of income even with the parents paying for it, because the parents of the people who had the $100,000 receptions didn't make $1M a year, or $675,000 which would mean $100K is the 15% mark. This is kind of like the recommended percentage of a mortgage (28%). The majority of people I know who have bought houses recently (2 decades) surpass this in my area. I think there are a lot of local factors that play into Both of these things, how much people have to pay for a house and how much people are willing to pay for a reception. There are lots of cultural differences. Where I grew up, people think Coach is a teacher, Gucci is probably something dirty, and Louis Vuitton is some French guy. Where I live now, working class people will save up to buy something, either real or counterfeit, because it's a portable signifier of status. And keeping up with Pinterest in the reception category is a signifier of status too. Is it a good "investment"? Not in the least.

All of this said, I would never have a wedding reception, I would never have a gift registry. Our plan to get married was to do it privately and not even tell most people. One of my acquaintances did this, I asked her what she did over the weekend, and she said "Well, actually, we got married." I actually think that's kind of great.

I think back very fondly on the many weddings I attended that were held in the couple's church or synagogue and the reception was held in the church hall immediately afterwards, Noon weddings were followed by a nice buffet lunch, afternoon weddings followed by a tea, and even the odd 10 am wedding was followed by a wedding breakfast. In those cases of early weddings the couple was able to leave for their honeymoon and everyone else had the rest of the day free. No alcohol except a glass of champagne served for a toast (one or two at the most, no elaborate floorshows or slides or other visual aids) and adorably dressed children everywhere having a wonderful time. More elaborate evening weddings were still in a church but followed by a cocktail reception, sit down dinner and dancing afterwards to a live band in a country club or city club your folks belonged to or a hotel (not the first choice even if it was fancier) . The evenings shut down at a decent hour (11 pm or midnight) and there was no need for a midnight supper to enable the revelers to continue the party.

I’m definitely getting old; the next time I see some kids I‘ll probably tell them to get off our grass just for the fun of it, even if we’re in a parking lot at the time- But in those days of weddings that didn’t cost the earth or break the bank, when the primary goal was to get married, not to triumph on Pinterest or Instagram, people did not take out loans to pay for their weddings, and that includes credit cards. Consumer debt was lower and credit card limits were much more stringent.

I've never been to a potato chip bag wedding but it sure sounds like fun.

A lot of people go into credit card debit for their wedding so it doesn't really matter how much they make. They will be paying it off until their kids head to college.

My take? I'd tell the bride that back in my day, the bridal showers were a *surprise* (both of mine were, tho I figured out one ahead of time). Since this can't be a surprise for her, at least let the hosts surprise her with what theme and such they come up with for the party, and after all, the bride already has too much to do with all the wedding planning and such so let us take this off your plate and you can concentrate on the wedding day. Then you are free to ask whatever inputs you might like of her mother be it food or colors or flowers or whatever. But you retain control of the process.

kswl, you exactly described my GF's wedding and they're almost hitting their 50th anniversary so it works. They were both poor students and their parents didn't have a lot. They had the wedding at the church in the afternoon, a friend played the organ for them in church, used the church garden for the reception, they had a harpist play music, they had nonalcoholic punch, a champagne toast, wedding cake and some simple hors d'oeurvres. The bride selected the fabric and pattern and all of us bridesmaids made our own dresses and her aunt made her dress which was the same pattern but in white fabric. Simple and inexpensive but just as effective.

And you still remember it as a lovely wedding and I’m sure it was!

Do we still not know the theme the bride is requesting?

The MOB informed me that her daughter felt it would be fun to have a certain theme, and decorate accordingly

Back to the OP's first post, "informed me" may have come off as demanding by many, so replies were made accordingly.

Am I reading this correctly, that neither you or the co-host thought to ask the bride-to-be or MOB of any requests? Just going with the "normal" shower routine from back in the day?

I would have asked about wedding color scheme, and if they had any other reasonable requests, but stayed on my (our) budget. Will be B2B enjoy the shower as planned, or will she be disappointed (and ungrateful)?

Wedding events should not become productions. A recent nearby destination wedding was so themed, they even took over the market with the welcome dinner tables inside the store and in the square. All the products on the shelves were replaced with food items made and labeled for the event. Guest were given a woven market bag to selected items from the shelves. This description doesn't even touch everything done for this one event. The planner, florist and photographer were not local. Guest must have been given a dress color code, and some wardrobe choices included themed handbags (and a pasta dress).

Marti, I've known you long enough to know you have a good heart and well intentions. I hope you will update us as this goes along.

Oh my gosh - I heard about that Italian themed wedding! The designer who made my SIL's MOB dress was involved in some way. Quite the event.

https://www.kittenplanlaw.com/blog/new-study-shows-link-between-lavish-wedding-and-divorce/

KSWL..made me chuckle:” … definitely getting old; the next time I see some kids I‘ll probably tell them to get off our grass just for the fun of it,”

Thank you so much, Allison, back atcha :)

No. We have not asked re food allergies or her wedding colors…simply because it’s months away . Time enough for that. I’ll come back and report . May want menu ideas for feeding thirty at sit-down brunch/lunch…unless she prefers a casual cocktail party shower. Thanks all for an interesting discussion.

I guess if you have it to spend, it's fine. But I have been to a couple receptions for people with pretty ordinary jobs that really must have tapped out their savings for them.

It's crazy what people will do. My DD was maid of honor in her best friend's wedding which we also attended. The wedding was beautiful. The food was plentiful and amazing. However, the parents of the bride took out a 2nd mortgage on their home to pay for this wedding. I was shocked. Why in the world would you sacrifice your financial well being to pay for a wedding? And to add to that, the groom's family is extremely wealthy. Like, really wealthy. Yet apparently didn't contribute enough that the bride's parents didn't need to go into debt to pay for the wedding.

My DD was also horrified that her friend let her parents go into debt for her wedding.

On the other hand, a cousin's son married a woman whose family was extremely wealthy. The wedding was the nicest wedding we'd ever attended. The food was amazing. I'd never seen a cocktail hour like that. The band had so many pieces and singers and they were amazing.

When we sat down for the ceremony, and I looked at the chuppah, I leaned over to DH and said - the flowers on that chuppah cost more than our wedding. It was a sign of the spectacular wedding to come.

It was what the bride wanted and I'm sure it was a drop in the bucket to that family, so good for them.

I do have to say that sometimes there may be reasons not to go into debt, necessarily, but to do it a certain way.

When my sister got married, she was finishing college, and getting married a few weeks later (military academy husband--had a window of time etc.). So she basically let my mother plan everything. She picked out her own dress and so forth but other than that, I think my mom did most of it, if I remember. My sister basically had to show up.

When her daughter got married, I was surprised by the reception. The venue was very nice, on LI, and there was an incredible amount of food. There was so much food before the sit down dinner, people thought it was the meal. And a good DJ who was a good MC and an open bar, top shelf, and so forth. And my sister was pretty involved in it and I said that I was kind of surprised, because my sister doesn't generally find much of that all that important, and she had a really beautiful MOB dress on, and I said something to her about it all, because her daughter is pretty low maintenance, too.

And she said it was because of the groom's mother and sister. They think they are so much better than everyone else, for some unknown reason, because they are not, and my sister said she was not going to subject herself or her daughter to be open for any criticism about the details of the wedding that was provided by the bride's family to marry her perfect little baby. On top of the constant criticism my niece was going to get on a regular basis as it was. (Example: "I think you are going to have a girl. Because they say when you are pregnant with a girl you get ugly. And you are looking really ugly. Ha ha ha) .

There was more than enough money to pay for it out of pocket, but normally that's not how she would have spent the money on them. But it was worth it even if it was just to impress someone else. It was preventative.

Very interesting article, JenniferHogan!

@palimpsest - isn't it sad when people act like that. The sad thing is that they don't realize how damaging it is to their son's marriage and how much they will miss as their grandchildren grow up when Mom doesn't want to expose herself or her children to their disparaging remarks.

My family is Teflon when it comes to dealing with people like that, really. We can kind of compartmentalize them into a little space in our heads without appearing to be mostly ignoring them.

Why in the world would you sacrifice your financial well being to pay for a wedding?

Several answers to this question:

I wouldn't.

To make their daughter's special day what she wanted.

Because they are not financially savvy.

And to add to that, the groom's family is extremely wealthy. Like, really wealthy. Yet apparently didn't contribute enough that the bride's parents didn't need to go into debt to pay for the wedding.

That is the bride's parents problem, not the groom's. It is also not a good teaching moment for their daughter (or the groom) to live within their means and be financially responsbile. Some would say it is enabling. Will this young couple go into credit card debit because they want X but only earn Y? Will it take them decades to buy a house instead of paying rent because they don't have the discipline to save for a downpayment? Or will they go to their parents and ask for that too?

As far as the grooms "extremely wealthy" parents, it doesn't matter how much money they have. They may feel lavish weddings are a waste of money. Just because someone has the money isn't a reason to contribute more than they were comfortable giving or want to give.

If these are working adult children, I would wonder how much they contributed to the wedding cost. This is common now, some even pay for the entire wedding.

Let's not forget, a parent's job is to raise healthy, happy children with lots of learning moments from the time they are born. Prepare them to flee the nest, be self-sufficient adults. Parents are not obligated to pay for college degrees or weddings, even more so if they do not have the funds to do so.

When my brother married the brides family invited us all to come across the State and visit. It turned into a confrontation. They laid out their already set in stone plans for the wedding and then asked my dad to pay for half of it. He had already paid for two daughter's weddings that didn't add up to "his half" of what they had planned. He said no. He wrote a check for the amount he already knew he would give my brother. Going into debt because you don't have the backbone to do what's right is on them. Perhaps if the one parent who paid so the bride wouldn't be humiliated by the MIL should have SAVED her daughter from all that and made a scene to end the marriage/wedding all together! Bet that didn't last long anyway. First thing I do when faced with a celebration is think of a 'theme'. When my son was ready to marry he told his bride you save 10K I'll save 10k and when we have it THEN we will marry. When they were to the planning stage my son said "ya but we aren't spending all of it on the wedding" and bride said OH YES WE ARE. And they did and then some as we added to their fund. It was a very modest affair by any standard. It's a racket. Call any venue say "anniversary party" get a quote. Call back say WEDDING and the price will more than double. My wedding was the church/church hall variety no dance. Never wished for more. 35years in.

My DBIL loves to tell the story of his grandparents’ marriage. The story is that DBIL’s greatuncle and his girlfriend saw DBIL’s grandfather and his gf out somewhere and invited them to ride along while they went to the JP to get married. They were in a Model A with a rumble seat. The JP came out to the car to marry couple #1 but said he would throw in marrying couple #2 for 75 cents more. DBIL’s grandfather said ”wanna?”; his gf said sure. They were married “til death did them part,” more than 60 years later.

@arcy_gw . We were married the day after Christmas in the house where I grew up. A lovely old English Tudor (still my favorite style). Maybe 30 people, close family and friends. My wedding dress was the first one I saw, and the only one in the store. $99 plus tax. 43yrs. His parents gave us a W/D. My parents gave us the difference in my cost and my sister's church wedding. We used some of it a few weeks later to buy a Blue Point Siamese. Neither of us wanted a church wedding/reception or big party. 43 years in. I know more big wedding divorces than marriages that stayed together in our age group.

@bbstx That is a great story! My maternal grandparents eloped at 16yo and 17yo. They and two friends (one male, one female) went one county over to get married since the local paper published this info. (My mother was later named after the woman.) They continued living apart, attending school without telling their parents. About a year later my grandmother was expecting their first (my uncle). They both wrote a letter to my grandmother's father, left them and their original marriage certificate to show they were legally married. I have the certificate and letter, and scanned/sent to my cousins. They had been married 73yrs when he passed away.

We were married on the deck of the house I grew up in (and where my husband and I hung out as teenagers). A coworker with a mail-order license to marry people did the honors. A couple of friends with guitars provided the soundtrack. There were probably 50 people there. My mom and I made the cake (carrot--it was 1975 after all) and my dad frosted it with fancy writing. I think Budweiser was the featured drink with some cold cuts from Safeway. I wore a new Gunne Sax dress that set me back $50. Wore a ring of daisies in my hair and carried a matching bouquet. My parents loaned us their Mercury Cougar for our honeymoon: a drive to southern Oregon with our dog to camp along the Rogue River. At the time, it was very in keeping with where we were in life. I even wore a bra for the occasion.

I think my parents would have gladly paid more for something more fancy/formal, but that was what we wanted.

My grandmother was only 15 when she married. The boy she loved wanted to marry her and went to her parents, who agreed she was old enough to marry. They then went to his parents who agreed she would make a fine daughter in law, but their oldest son had not yet found a bride, had impregnated a girl who was not suitable and needed a wife, so the parents decided that he would marry my grandmother.

My grandmother did marry him, as this was what the parents decided, but she also joined the suffragist movement and worked tirelessly to gain rights for women. Her last daughter, my mom, was born one day before the right to vote for women was ratified.

When my oldest sister was getting married the bridal boutique caught on fire. Most of the dresses were fine except they were smoke damaged, so they were all cleaned at the local dry cleaners and sold literally at their "Fire Sale". Betty's dress was $50.00 and was worn by my sister, my sister in law and I know it was borrowed by at least 2 other brides, but I can't remember who else borrowed it, just remember us talking with my sisters on how much joy that $50 fire sale dress has brought to young brides.

I do privately shake my head at the cost of some of the celebrations/weddings/ bar mitzvahs I've been to over the years - and in some cases I am even aware of the debt incurred. Not my way of doing things but also not my place to judge their choices whether they can afford it with or without debt. Just here among the regulars in this group we have people who spend what might be considered lavishly on things others would never consider whether that's a chair or a purse or jewelry or whatever. Priorities are personal. That said, we have drifted far afield from the original post as we often do but if we're sharing wedding stories....

DH and I funded our own wedding - it was my 2nd and I didn't want to ask my parents even though the first was modest by any standard. We were married in my parents back yard in a tent, with music we 'taped', family and close friends, about 50 people. He and I set up the rented tables and chairs, food was catered (heavy hors d' oeuvres) but we set up the platters with family help, set the buffet tables and took everything down ready for p/u before leaving for our Missouri Ozarks cabin honeymoon the next day. For the officiant we didn't want to use my rabbi or DH's parents somewhat holy roller pastor - so in an effort to offend everyone equally we had a Unitarian female minister do the honors and sign the ketubah we designed. It's 43 years in May but not because of what was spent or not spent on our wedding.

We also paid for our own wedding, I wish I could remember the total but I bet it was under 10k. We got married by a UU minister in a small historic church and had the reception in a Sons of Italy hall because it was the least ugly of the cheap options. We did splurge on a band because we wanted good music. I bought my dress off the rack in Lord & Taylor for $160. Bridesmaids wore cotton floral Laura Ashley dresses, and big hair (it was 1990). Celebrating 35 years in May.

DH and I eloped on Valentine’s day 1981…. a friend who was an Episcopal priest married us before a few friends in the parlor of the Alumni building at our university. We did not tell our parents until May of that year after we graduated. They were not pleased 🤔 Forty- four years, and I think we might not have lasted a year if both our mothers had been involved in a big ’ole Southern wedding.

"In an effort to offend everyone equally..." is the best line I have read all day. 🤣

I had one of those situations too. Not fun. I did the best I could, but felt your story in my soul dlm.

My first wedding was what @Kswl deemed ”big ole Southern wedding.” It lasted 2 years. I’m proof of the inverse theory of cost of wedding vs length of marriage.

When DD came along, she refused to do the ”big ole Southern wedding.” Her wedding was held in the living room of DSIL’s grandparents. 18 people attended if you count the pianist and the minister.

12 years ago today

KSWL: “We did not tell our parents until May of that year after we graduated. They were not pleased 🤔 Forty- four years, and I think we might not have lasted a year if both our mothers had been involved in a big ’ole Southern wedding.”

Aha! then you and others will love this :

So mama and daughter were disagreeing over wedding plans. Finally, DD, throws up her hands and loudly cries out ,…

But Mother! This is MY wedding! You HAD yours!

At which the mother simply replies:

Au contraire, my darling, thst was your grandmother’s wedding.”

😆🤣😂

That is the bride's parents problem, not the groom's. It is also not a good teaching moment for their daughter (or the groom) to live within their means and be financially responsbile. Some would say it is enabling. Will this young couple go into credit card debit because they want X but only earn Y? Will it take them decades to buy a house instead of paying rent because they don't have the discipline to save for a downpayment?

Yes, of course it's the bride's parent's problem. I was just shocked knowing the financial situation of the groom and his family as well as the financial situation of the bride's family.

The bride/groom did not contribute anything to the cost of the wedding.

The groom works in the family business and was/is very well off. I'm sure he could have paid for the wedding if he wanted to. I do not know, of course, if that conversation happened. Knowing the bride well, I would guess it did not.

It did not take them decades to buy a house. Groom bought a house when they got engaged. They then built a brand new house. If I remember correctly, it was ready soon after the wedding. Lived there for a few years and then built an even bigger brand new house.

I know the bride well. She wanted what she wanted and she clearly didn't care that her parents leveraged their home to pay for it.

And yes, if the grooms parents didn't want to contribute more, that is their choice. They get to choose how they spend their money.

Knowing the bride well, I should not have been shocked at any of this. I just find it so sad that she allowed her parents to do that instead of adjusting the wedding plan.

When my DD got married (one year prior to this wedding), we set a budget. She knew what her dad and I could afford. She would never have been OK with either one of us (we are divorced) mortgaging our home or going into debt in any way. In fact, she had to reign me in a couple of times when I wanted to do something and she didn't think it was necessary for the cost.

My DD and I had the absolute best time planning her wedding. I was thrilled she wanted me to help plan it. We agreed on almost everything. There were the invites that we both loved but were much more expensive than we planned. I was willing to get them. She put a hard NO to that. We found beautiful invites in the budget.

When we were dress shopping, she tried on a dress, came out of the dressing room. Stared at herself for a few moments. Said, mom what do you think. My response - it's stunning. She looked back at the mirror. Said I don't know, I don't think I like it. I saw the look on the saleswoman's face. I said, OK, it's not the one. Try on the next one.

The look of relief on the saleswoman's face was priceless. I'm guessing she witnessed a lot of arguments between bride and MOB over the dress. Not for us. It's her wedding. She gets what she wants (within budget).

My fiance and I wanted a small wedding, about 10 people, including us. I called my parents at 7 pm of Labor Day to say that I was getting married in six weeks. I told my mother she could do what she wanted and I would show up. I figured how much damage could she do in six weeks. She called me back at 9 pm to say that it was all arranged. I had forgotten that she was in charge of her college's birthday luncheons for 30 years, a sit down meal for 3,000 guests. A wedding with 120 guests was something she could arrange completely in two hours.