Rose I am so sorry. You are a good, sweet person and you should not have to deal with this. I think you are making the right decision by no longer allowing your vehicle to be borrowed after what happened. I hope that your daughter will be able to see some day how hurtful her behavior is, and perhaps come to you to make amends. Meanwhile, I realize this is a painful incident and I am so sorry it happened.

I'm sorry? Why is your grandson being punished? You don't deserve this, but he really doesn't deserve it. That's not right.

I imagine she unthinkingly, just by habit, stepped onto the running board and was then pissed that its function was wildly different than she was accustomed to. She was probably mad at herself, too, for having forgotten what you said. Then she probably figured she'd be keeping you safer by removing the faulty running boards....despite you being a competent adult able to make your own truck maintenance decisions!

So, did you talk to her about putting the running boards back on? Even if daughter and SIL threw them away, I think they owe them to you. They can go to a parts lot and get some.

By the way, I don't think this is a "grown daughters" issue.

I think Id make her replace them.

I don't think this has anything to do with just daughters, grown or otherwise. Some people are oblivious, in a fog about what goes on around them and often paying no attention to what people say to them. Sometimes it's from having too much focus on oneself, other times it's simply from being preoccupied.

Someone once described their labradoodle as a happy but inattentive dog who seemingly had "It's a Small World After All" stuck in its ear and as a result neither heard nor thought about anything else.

Sons, daughters, partners, friends, relatives, many people are not good listeners or value their own thoughts higher than those of others and feel no need to pay attention.

" and informed me that I was no longer welcome to watch her son's ball games."

What a stupid thing to say, and it would be stupid of you to do so -- you don't need her permission to watch your grandson play ball.

In my opinion, you shouldn't have scolded her for what happened - she no doubt put her foot there by accident, forgetting which Explorer she was in. An accident that you could have seen had a pretty good possibility when you have a 21 year old car with rusty bits. They're going to fall off from time to time.

Yes, you should be angry she removed them without telling you, but I think the better response would have been to say 'I know you took them off because they were damaged and risky, but running boards are important.....can you get some replacements to put on so I can use them?' It's probably an unpopular response, not jumping in to tell you how right you were and how evil she is, but - as a grown daughter - I might very well have done the same if it had happened when I borrowed something from my parents that was 20 years old and damaged. The only difference is I would have found some used (but safer) replacements put in their place, and my husband wouldn't have yelled at you.

I also think she should replace the running boards.

Your grandkids should NOT be punished or be involved in any way.

There often becomes a time in an adult child's life when they think that switching roles is appropriate so they make YOU the child and then try to take control as the adults. They must think everyone over the age of 60 is senile and can no longer make their own decisions, care for themselves or have a functional brain left!! Who knows why but I see this constantly. My sister, who is very active, very social and very capable, is going through this with her own offspring and it sounds like Rose's daughter is doing something similar. I'm not sure they even realize that they are doing it but it seems to follow a popular trend of thinking that everyone past retirement age suddenly loses all brain function and are no longer capable of managing or directing their own life. It kinda pisses me off!!

It is almost a form of bullying and I believe you need to declare some boundaries. It sounds like you have made a good start with the car issue but sorry that you have to deal with this and the disruption it creates in the relationship.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen stuff like this on Judge Judy where the one who was kind enough to lend the money gets charged with harassment for asking for their money back and somehow the borrower sees the lender as the evil one, and blames him for everything. No good deed goes unpunished. It's easier to blame the other than accept responsibility for one's own actions.

I recognize we are hearing only one side of the story here and I'm sure DD would have her own version to tell. But regardless, the husband should butt out. It's your relationship with your daughter that's on the table here and a wise man would not interfere. It's not his place.

I agree that restricting access to the GS is absolutely the wrong thing to do as it hurts him who is innocent.

I don't think she should have to replace the running boards. It sounds like they were dangerous as they were. We are talking about a 20+ year old vehicle that's driven in the salt and the snow. The damage that was done didn't happen just on her watch but over a couple of decades. So it's not solely on her. Yes she should've discussed it with you before she took them off, but she didn't so that's where you're at. I suspect you may have been injured had you stepped on the running board and it snapped off...especially if it happened in the snow or ice. That may have been her concern and her thinking ... and instead she gets scolded for her actions.

I hope you can all take a cooling off period, accept that what's done is done, and find your way back to peace. Relationships with family are never easy, but they are worthwhile maintaining, especially when the next generation is there too.

Ball fields are public places. She can't stop you from showing up to watch your grandson play. If she makes a scene, she'll just be embarrassing herself.

The worst part of this story is her using your grandson as a weapon. That's just sad, and hopefully a heat of the moment outburst that she'll rethink.

The way she handled the whole thing from the start is bad. But the part of the story that we don't have and likely won't get is the exact tone that you struck when you reacted to the damage. If there's anything there that should be apologized on your part, you might consider initiating with that.

With regards to the running boards, sounds to me like they were an accident waiting to happen. If one section was so badly rusted, the rest was likely not far behind. Looking online I'm seeing some options for nerf bars that are reasonably priced and probably a safer option for you at this point than what you had. I wonder, if in the course of making amends, your daughter or SIL would consider installing them for you if you bought them.

Sorry this is going on. Could it be 2 different and intertwined issues? Your relationship with your daughter. The damage to the vehicle. How have past issues, been resolved? Perhaps, time for mom-daughter talk…counselling too?

I'm sorry Rose. And having your grandson's sports brought into the disagreement is especially offensive. I'd go anyway. I might not sit with daughter and her husband, but I'd go.

I don't know what to say about the running board, what it looked like, if it might have been dangerous for you. Although, I'm not sure actual Ford running boards are inexpensive. That's not to say something else might not have fit at a better price, but they are helpful when getting in and out. I don't think I could get into DH's truck without its running board. As for my own explorer, it took a square platform step, & the running board for my Mom to get up high enough to get her bottom on the seat sideways, then turn and put her legs forward in the passengers seat.

The first time DH might stand up and be verbally abusive to someone in my family in my defense might be the first time I ever smack him. I'm a big girl and can take care of myself. He would never have raised his voice to my mother - or his own.

Please don't lose sleep. Deep breaths. Go calmly about your life and give it a day or two to settle down. Then maybe have a talk with your daughter. (((hugs)))

i'm sorry you have to go through this and using your grandson to "make a point" is just wrong on so many levels.

i have 100% quit loaning anything to anybody under any circumstances. period! i have a couple of bils who have borrowed and wrecked weed eaters, vacuums, failed to return tools that when asked for, deny they ever borrowed them. the things they wrecked, they brought back with a "sorry, nina, this thing just stopped working." no offer to get it fixed or replaced. now when they ask, i just say no and if they ask why not, i'm not above telling them. i bought a zero turn mower off the showroom floor last year. one of them wanted to borrow it and when i said absolutely not, he insisted that since he's "family", i should just come and mow his yard. yeah, not happenin'!!

Actually, if this behavior is uncharacteristic of your daughter, it may be a red flag of some level of abuse, whether physical or emotional (speaking from my own experience). An example of what this might look like is husband is domineering, controlling, or whatever so wife has to walk on eggshells constantly to avoid angering him. This can be a way for him to isolate her from others, or it may be the only way she feels like she can keep the peace and protect not only herself and her son, but you as well. Just my 2 cents, and I know I may be oversensitive to this type of thing.

Just curious...as the picture was outside your oldest son's garage, did he play a part in removing the running boards? Might he have some perspective on how dangerous they were?

"What is it with grown daughters". We are told to live our truth these days and she was helpful (in her opinion) so lived her truth then you weren't grateful. Frankly I would live my truth back and insist the drivers side is put back in the order you NEED it to be. The part where things went too far (well in today's standards) is when she banned you...THAT is an over the top reaction. IMHO THAT reaction is coming from a place of GUILT she over stepped...and she knew it. Hopefully she calms down. I am pretty sure you will hear from here next time she needs to borrow your car. Hopefully before. But here's my bottom line , is this behavior really new? Is this how she has always been--really???

Seems to me there is more between mother and daughter than the runningboard.

It was nice of you to loan the car. Im so sorry this happened and understand how terribly upset you are. Maybe when things settle down you can have a good conversation to smooth this over.

Might it be that you were caught in the afterblow of a whole nother thing? Perhaps in frustration of their own vehicle needing repair and then the forgetting and triggering another vehicle issue in your vehicle... which might have triggered a whole thing of just remove the bleeping broken things like can't even deal while our vehicle is already being repaired and.... the boards come off, tempers are still high, and then you entered the afterblow. Then everything was way more over the top than it had to be.

Though since you need that step up on the drivers side, I would contact the older son and see about getting that step back. The whole blow aside, you do still need to be able to get in and out of your vehicle.

This is not a ‘grown daughters’ situation. Aren’t the adult women here all ‘grown daughters’?

If it was me, I would be in contact with my daughter ASAP. I would do what is necessary to smooth and heal the situation. If this is truly only about running boards, a quick conversation may be all that is necessary. Good luck. Families are important.

My daughter has always been difficult. She never admits fault for anything and twists things around, claiming someone else is the villain. I do believe she feels guilty but won't admit it. I will discuss the whole thing with my oldest son ( who took them off) when he returns from a work trip. I had talked to another of my sons and he said the broken right running board could be removed and the left side one left on because it wasn't in such bad shape. Also, I only weigh 110 lbs so it doesn't have to support a lot when I step on it. My sister has commented on how much i do for my daughter and how bad she treats me.

Somehow I missed that it's your son, not son in law, who removed them. Is it possible it was his decision to remove them, when she came over looking for help? If so, then maybe you at least partly took it out on the wrong person? I still think new nerf bars are the best solution, and a worthwhile investment if you're planning to hold onto the car for a couple more years. Could one of the sons install them?

I think there are a few things missing here. For example, why did your daughter take the Explorer to your son? Why did he take them off without talking to you? Was he going to replace them as a favor? and the photo was a ”before/during” shot, and an ”after” would be forthcoming? and if so, should the picture have included that bit of information? What did you say to your daughter? What did she say to her husband?

Sometimes incidents between people with dysfunctional relationships, as the immediately preceding comment describes, will trigger unexpected/unpleasant reactions or conduct. The incident is a trigger for a problem already there, not a cause. As Rose bravely describes, things are not all they should be with her relationship either.

Normal adults don't scream at other adults and don't act or react irrationally.

Daughters do seem to start trying to "mother" their older mothers. My son couldn't care less about my decisions and gives no advice. Daughter is full of advice. You should downsize, you should cut back on your outdoor flower planting, your cat is too fat, etc. Basically, I ignore her, and I don't give her advice. She wouldn't take it anyway.

lily, I think you're describing your relationships with your daughter and son. That's a one-off and not necessarily a pattern relevent to all daughters and sons. My one-off experience is that what you describe doesn't apply to my kids' relationships with my wife and me at all.

I don't think it's unique at all, I've observed it frequently. Seems to start when the parent starts showing signs of slowing down physically. Suddenly its assumed they can't make their own decisions. I can't say whether I've noticed it more among daughters than sons though.