Yes. Not being snippy, but yes I do believe that can happen. I haven't seen it often by any means but I have seen it a few times over the years. From a distance, the ones that look like they have the best and closest relationship, Again I don't mean to suggest that any close relationship is off, but the ones I've observed are closer and more reliant than most.

Yes. Sometimes it is a case of not being able (or willing) to relinquish control; sometimes it is just not being adept enough at parenting to give her what she needs (as roarah said) to become an adult; sometimes it is the young person still feeling that they have to please the parent (wanting approval or fear of losing their love?).

Absolutely. You seem to be describing parent child behavior that doesn't transform. I think many people struggle with appropriate adult-adult boundaries with their grown kids and or parents at times - or a lot. Any loving adult relationship has times where caretaking is appropriate after all (DH just insisted on attending my ortho appt) but I think parent-children can fall prey to not moving the caretaking fences out of the parent child post holes they started in.

Of course, it it’s possible. I think that it’s probably more common with mothers, though. It seems to me that the parents cannot accept the reality of their behavior, not the fact that they behaving in this manner nor that the behavior causes damage to the child. That makes getting professional help difficult.

yep, absolutely. I know two adult kids that are like this (not related). for both of them, they were introverted and bullied a lot as kids, and the parents coddled them as a result. now both of them are mid-twenties and the parents are getting more and more exasperated as it seems impossible to motivate them to hold down jobs and move out. the parents are terrified to try tough love. it's really hard to watch from the outside.

that said, it's difficult to know everything going on. I believe that one of these kids is just a touch neuro diverse, and it's only becoming clear recently. perhaps if the parents had been armed with a diagnosis earlier, they could have handled it better. IDK. I have no idea how much of it is coddling, and how much is the kid having real psychological troubles that makes the parent want to protect them more.

Yes, absolutely. The dynamic between parent and adult child can certainly be complex. And ultimately I would hope the parental goal would be to support and guide the child into adulthood while recognizing that the adult child needs to experience independence. I do think it's ideal for parents to continue to be supportive and involved in adult children's lives, but parents also need to let go and let their children grow and have freedom to be themselves.

When it comes to young women, sometimes societal expectations and pressures are different than for young men. I absolutely believe that fathers can be overly protective over-solicitous in a way that negatively impacts the daughter and her ability to become independent and highly functioning. Just because it comes from a place of love does not mean it is helpful or productive. Examples might be that as all of us grow into adulthood, we need to make our own choices as far as partners/mates and some aspects of our society set unequal expectations or rules of women and men. A father may feel obliged to be protective of his daughter when it comes to potential relationships in a way that might smother her or prevent her from forming quality relationships because she lacks the freedom or independence to learn.

I know a mother who is stunting the emotional and educational growth of her 2 college aged daughters. She loves them so much and unconditionally, but she can't see how she's holding them back. They are both smart girls but I worry for their future. They don't know how to cook any of their own ood or even do their own laundry, one won't even learn to drive bc her mom drops everything to shuttle her where ever she wants to go.

Yes, but sometimes the relationship has developed that way because the child needs it from the parent. Some people are simply more dependent on others.

Parenting is difficult, and the young adult phase is particularly challenging. I’ve learned not to speculate how other parents are doing with it, and just stay in my lane.

Yes although not necessarily with just a father/daughter as opposed to both parents and child.. Sometimes it's a perverted form of enabling with the parent codependent on keeping the child a child. And the adult child is either not strong enough to push back and assert independence or too comfortable to try. Or both. I've said this before and vaguely remember getting push back at that time but tough as it is, the job of a parent is to make sure your kids don't need you anymore. Then stand back and let them hopefully choose and define the relationship with you on adult footing.

I think this has happened to someone I know. DH and I try to get our head around it but we don't have kids and we both grew up so independently that it's hard to comprehend. DH had a well-balanced family dynamic but his parents let him make his own decisions and live with and/or suffer the consequences. He says this helped him learn how to behave and make better decisions. I grew up far too much on my own but I too learned from my good and bad decisions. Overall I think we both ended up in a good place and we lived through some great challenges (serious health situations among other things) starting in our mid-20s without implosion or depression. I think things are so different today and it doesn't always turn out for the best. 😥

On TV it's a common story line.

I'd need some examples before I can answer. What does the father do that you think isn't right?

If a daughter doesn't grow up to be a " well-adjusted, mentally healthy young woman " her brain was hardwired like that at birth or there has to be some sort of emotional abuse going on, imo. There's hovering/helicopter parenting which I think is more common than not these days & seems in the competitive nature. I dunno. :)

Oak, I don't think it's a hardwired situation. I think it's nurture vs. nature and it's not emotional abuse as I would think of that. I think it's a case of a loving and over-caring parent not realizing the negative impact of that and a child not wanting to disappoint her father by "pushing him aside". As I said, I'm on the outside looking in as a non-parent and because I care about this family, I can't get it out of my mind. Of course I would never say anything to them - we are friends but not that close and they are not looking for advice.

I think I know what you mean 3katz and I feel the same way. Not my place nor my inclination to ever get involved when clearly it's not abusive...but it is sad to watch a parent hold their own child back due to this desire to not let them grow up. How can they not see they may be impacting their success and happiness for the rest of their lives?

Reminds me of the TV show Smothered, which is about close mothers and daughters. The manipulating and coercing of one daughter by her mother was mind blowing. While not this extreme, your example/daughter, she is still being controlled by her over-caring father.

I don't think it's necessarily a daughter. I had a patient who was around 50, who seemed as if he was of normal intelligence as far as I could tell, but when you made appointments and things, he would say " I have to ask my father if that's okay" and if you called his house the parents would ask who was calling and why you wanted to talk to him and things like that. In retrospect, he may have been on the spectrum, but the only really odd thing was how controlled he was by his parents, almost like he was an adolescent. I also worked with woman who was over 40, was college educated, was teaching in a college setting, but her mother would pack her a lunch every day, wash and iron her clothes, and she would say things, like 'When my mom cleans my room" and said something off-handedly about her mother still making her bed in the morning.

I recall my DD telling me, when she was a teenager and I was in the throes of perimenopause, that we NEEDED to argue or she would be 'attached to my apron strings' forever and be unable to break away emotionally (she must have learned this in HS PSY 101).
I think she was right. Those years were tough at times (especially since we were very close until she was 13 or so and I was never close with my mom), but she is now an independent, well-rounded 31 year-old member of society who I love spending time with, as do so many others.

Fortunately, DH traveled ~250 days/year back then. I can't imagine him being in the mix when we both acted like pre-menstrual 17 year olds!

I'm not sure what age the 'young adult woman' might be but hopefully as she matures and gets a job or continues her education she'll come into her own and her father's possessiveness will be less suffocating. I have always remembered something that I read or heard on TV that a parent's job is to put themselves out of work. It's a simple phrase but one that I tried to follow. And at times it meant letting your child make their own decisions and experience failure.

I’ve never heard ”neuro diverse” before. Does it cover a variety of situations?

I understand what you're saying, but is there an example you can give?

I'll never forget this moment between DS1 and myself.

He was 18 and we were having words about something...can't even remember. He raises his voice a bit and tells me, "I'm 18!" meaning he's a man now. ;) About an hour later we were in the LR and he was doing homework when I saw him blow a big bubble with his chewing gum. I could only smile.

@maire_cate - the young woman is now in her 40’s so the ”over-parenting” has been going on for a long time. She’s been working and living ”on her own” since she graduated from college.

I don't think it is uncommon for parents to meet their own emotional needs through their children and to put those needs above what is best for the child - while still justifying it by telling themselves they are doing it for the good of the child. As a teacher, I see this to varying degrees fairly often. I find it sad for both the parent and child - neither gets to fulfill their potential.

I have two nieces (sisters) who both married momma's boys and both mothers had those apron strings tied in a double-knot. Both nieces divorced their husbands while they were still in their mid-30's and unfortunately kids were involved. Neither husband would do anything without consulting mom first.

3 Katz - that's awful, how stifling.

Yes, of course it is possible. And if the adult daughter sought the advice of a therapist, she would probably be counseled to set boundaries, practice autonomy, etc. But, but, but..... I'm much more cognizant these days, at the wise old age of 64, that things are not always as they appear. If you have the inside view of this situation, then that's one thing. But observing from the outside may or may not provide valid info.

"neurodivergent" so someone who's brain operates a little differently, so on the autism spectrum, Aspergers, ADHD, dyslexia, etc.

gsciencechick, thank you.

Skipped down to answer the OP question most definitely yes.

Awhile back I read a fascinating biography about Dare Wright, who was a beautiful, intelligent, highly talented and capable woman, but whose mother kept her emotionally/psychologically enslaved for her entire life.

Going back to read now...

^^^^ Bunny (and others) - For an excellent and definitive book about autism/neurodiversity, I highly recommend Neuro Tribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman.

I am not related to anyone on the spectrum (that I know of), but DS#1 has a friend whose 12-year old son is. I saw this book at my library, checked it out, and ended up purchasing it. It is THAT good. So much more to neurodiversity than I had imagined...

^^^ someone needs a hug.

ETA: roxanna, you're an awesome person and clearly NOT in need of a hug (right now.) My comment was directed at our ding dong ditch poster--not you.

and a spell checker

Indeed someone needs to learn to stop mocking others. As Shakespeare said “Though does protest too much” meaning the one saying others need hugs and spell checkers should realize they tell the world they are the problem and the weak ones yet their abundance of pride in themselves is puppy let them do they belittle others. They are the ones behaving inappropriately yet deflecting their problems into others hence “protesting too much.” These type of people are ignorant that they are wrong and the problem so mock, defame, shame others showing how unhappy they are to everyone else. They will forever be oblivious that they are the problem. They are mentally stuck at age 12 or so mocking and name calling.

No, we are amusing ourselves because either a total stranger or a coward hiding under a "name" has decided to attack someone we both know personally. Jojo and I have a context for the OP's question, because we know the OP and your criticisms (now disappeared) were outlandish and deserving of rebuke. Pretty gentle rebukes, I might add.

Be an adult and realize this is an unproductive venue for achieving mental help. Instead, call your local 211 and they can get you for appropriate mental health.

But realize not everyone wants help and not every problem is solvable. Not everyone recognizes a problem in their relations. Men are commonly momma’s boys. They show greater deference to their mothers as a culture.

Best thing is to mind own business, handle own affairs and keep people you do not agree with out of your life. Why stress and annoy yourself.

Many men enjoy the exaltation and running from their own mothers. It’s your job as an intelligent women to vet a potential husband out for such mommy syndrome, before you marry a momma’s boy. Personal responsibility for your own future is important.

Looking at time of recent responses to posts give a pretty good idea as who is posting/hiding.