Following, as Mom died during the pandeminc and was cremated, and still rests in our study. She needs to be elsewhere.

Do you need an officiant? Is there someone in the family who can write, and deliver, a brief moment of commemoration and dedication?

Bpath, my mom is currently sitting on her dresser in her house. I say hi to her when i go in her bedroom to clean up.

A little off topic but i had lunch with a friend last week and she said both her parents and her brother are sitting in a garden shed and have been there for a very long time. Her niece has a gorgeous huge property so I suggested spreading them there. She thinks she’ll end up in the shed, too.

For Mom's graveside service, we had a minister come (from her church) to say a few words and a prayer. Then a friend played the guitar and sang her favorite song, "I'll Fly Away". It was all short and nice and just how she had said she wanted it.

That sounds lovely, Schoolhouse. Wish we had a musician in the family. Playing something on my phone just doesnt cut it.

Since 12 is a small number, what if everyone was asked to come prepared with a short story or share a memory of her? Those that want to participate can. This in addition to what you were thinknig.

When Dad was cremated, he had requested his ashes be put with Mom's when she died (six weeks later). A few months after that, we had an immediate famliy only "service." My dad always said no funeral and left us suggestions.. I told my sister my idea of collecting things to be buried with the ashes. I filled a small tin with small items that were important to them and told their story, along with photos.

My family did their own really simple graveside cemetery when my great aunt and uncle were buried. Someone brought a boom box (been a few years) and played Amazing Grace. We went around the group and talked about our memories. I don't think a prayer was said, but that could be added. A second song was played and the urn placed in the grave and covered. Then everyone just stood around and talked afterwards.

Have someone read Death Be Not Proud by John Donne...

My brother and I came from out of town & had graveside services for my dad, and it was so serene I decided that's what I want. I liked how we got to visit with people before and after the service.

I'm pretty certain the pastor from the funeral home did the service, so I bet you could do the same. I think it was my brother who gave the pastor information on dad, along with a nice sermon. Psalms 23 is a simple prayer and fitting for a funeral. We're Christians but didn't attend Church.

What was so cool was meeting dad's engineering co-workers who heard all about me and my brother. My 2yr old began climbing the tombstones and I was mortified until Dad's best friend, who is a leader in his Church told me 'It's okay. Let him climb."

My oldest was 5 and met dad's co-workers. When he became an engineer he met them again and heard stories about my dad. That's one of the reasons I like graveside services because you have the opportunity to really visit with other mourners and not have to whisper.

The only con was my mother (they were divorced) would not stop talking. But, it's okay. :)

We recently attended my son-in-law's mom's burial ceremony. She was cremated after passing in October and she had her grave site in her home town. After a mass, the family went to the cemetery and the priest said a final prayer. My daughter read the eulogy that she, sil, and brothers worked on. Afterwards her ashes were placed and one of the son's covered with soil.

It was a simple yet very moving tribute.

Because you are having a celebration of life the day before, perhaps someone can say a final farewell or recite a favorite poem of hers. Maybe even a song that she liked..

Allison, i love the idea of including mementos along with the ashes. Some of my dad’s surgical instruments were included with his.

My mom had a favorite fork for cooking. It’s small so I will put it in her urn along with a measuring spoon. She loved to cook. Too bad her bowling ball won’t fit.

We had a clergyman officiate a short service and went around to the maybe 12 or 15 people who were there and whoever felt up to it shared their thoughts. (these were actual funerals though, no cremations). We did, as is customary, have each person assist in burying. It was not more than 30 to 40 minutes. Then everyone went to a restaurant. My mother's was immediately after a blizzard, and for my FIL it was summer so a bit more comfortalble. I thought each was a very respectful and touching way to honor them.

My parents had moved to the Philly area to be near us years ago but still had their burial plots in a cemetery near Pittsburgh where my grandparents were buried. They didn't want to be cremated so we had to make involved transportation arrangements. When my Dad died we had a funeral Mass at our old parish church for friends and neighbors. The priest was a family member who related several stories about my father.

It was a bitterly cold December day so instead of going to the gravesite the funeral director said a few words inside the reception room at the cemetery. It was only the immediate family - my 2 brothers, their wives and children. The three of us each placed a memento inside the coffin. As a veteran he had a military escort and the ceremonial flag folding. A bagpiper piped as his coffin was carried to the hearse. Afterwards we had a quiet meal at a Tea Room, then drove back home. It was simple but it seemed right and something my Dad would have liked.

What time will you have the graveside ceremony? I like the idea of the minister saying a few words and you could ask the others ahead of time if they'd like to add some thoughts. You could ask the minister if he knows of a musician. My SIL had a violinist when her DH was buried. Is there a restaurant where you might arrange for lunch before everyone has to leave?

Maire

We did exactly everything you suggested for my husband's burial. Music was played and everyone gave a brief memory of John.

May I suggest one thing? If you know you can't sing just lipsync. No one at our service could carry a tune and it sounded awful. It's funny to think of though.

Even though it may seem morbid, I would encourage anyone to think about what they want for their own service or funeral or in a graveside setting, and even the wake, and put it in writing.. It’s a final kindness to your family to provide guidance when they may be completely unaware of your wishes, especially at a time when they may be least able to cope. It may come as a surprise, but some people who rejected religion most of their adult life do still want a religious service at the end— sometimes in the very denomination of their childhood that they rejected.

My father died in the early days of covid so that very much dictated how the services went. He was a practicing catholic so a few months after his death, we had a mass at the church and then the priest came to grave-side service. Dad's ashes were buried in the family plot .. only family attended. My immediate family and his sister and her family. The location is beautiful and it was a perfect sunny day. There was no music.. just a pedestal with his urn, a vase of purple roses (he used to give to mom) and his favorite Penn State ballcap. The priest said a few words and we were each given a private moment with dad if we wanted .. and then we were done. We didn't share thoughts or memories graveside (honestly, I don't think I could have) but we did gather at my sister's house after where we shared many laughs and tears.

When my grandparents died, we held services along a creek where they spent a lot of time. My grandfather was a fisherman and very active in the local club. For his service, we organized with the club to have trout fishlings released along with his ashes. My grandmother would sit on the bank and read as my grandfather fished... for her memorial service, we released a daisy chain into the creek with her ashes. In both cases, we had a tent set up and a family friend who was a minister led the service. A catered meal was served at tables along the creek. There was also a military funeral with gun salute at their interment at the local National Cemetery... followed by lunch at a restaurant. Both the casual creekside services and the military serves were beautiful and perfectly suited to the lives they lived.

I wish that we could have included the community in the memorial for my dad but we were all hit pretty hard by his death and I appreciate that it was a simple, quiet and intimate service. I haven't returned to his grave ... I commune with him in my own ways.. but mom goes often and when my brother is in town, he takes a beer for my dad, my uncle and my grandfather and spends an hour with his role models.

Ded, I think you should do whatever feels right and appropriate for you. Honor your mother in a way that feels authentic to you and your family. I know that isn't much help but I think you will know what is right. Love and peace to you.

A very personal matter for sure. And, a very tough time, no matter the circumstances.

I don't have any answers for anyone, other than do what your heart says.

Just want to post something I heard years ago and it is always in my mind. “Every man has two deaths, when he is buried in the ground and the last time someone says his name. In some ways men can be immortal.” ― Ernest Hemingway . I don't really know if Hemingway

actually ever said this, but that is the way I heard it.

When my mother died (we are not religious) we had someone from the Salvation Army say a few words at the graveside and those who wished to say a few words did so also. Afterwards we rented a ”banquet” room at a local hotel where we had food and drinks, plus I’d made a display of photos of Mum’s life.

Thank you all for your lovely thoughtful responses. You have given me some nice ideas.. I love the ways you honored your loved ones.

I remember when we took my sister’s ashes to the cemetery after her service and reception, which was attended by hundreds. ( if you want a lot of people at your funeral,,die young. sorry if that sounds glib). Then just family went to the cemetery but no plans had been made for what to do there. We just linked arms and stood around her urn and said goodbye. Her youngest daughter wept so hard.

Lunch after my mom’s service is a problem. She grew up in a teeny tiny town and the nicest restaurant is a pizza joint. We will have had a nice dinner the night before. Since we’ll be going in several cars, I think everyone can stop for lunch on their own on the way there. and hopefully we can have the service in the afternoon.

Maire cate, no musicians in this family, for sure. Your father’s service sound lovely.

Kwsl, I could not agree more about writing down your wishes. My mom and I talked about her wishes as far as where she wanted to be buried. It would have been good to talk about her wishes for a service. My sister had hers all preplanned.

Not sure what I want beyond cremation. Its been my experience that gravesites are rarely visited and eventually not at all. I think scattering is nice, but where? I cant think of any one meaningful spot. Ive said i want my ashes scattered in my favorite bakery, but they may not go for that.

In your scenario I'd probably ask the funeral home minister to lead it, informing him that it's not a particularly religious bunch but you'd like a prayer or two. In his line of business he should be able to accommodate whatever you request. I'd also let people know that it'll be open to saying a few words, even though you may have covered more of that the day before. This is essentially what we did for my dad, though it was somewhat more religious. Short and sweet but very personal.

Adding something personal with the urn is a nice touch. One word of caution in case you've not gone to a cremation ceremony: they don't dig deep for urns. I got flowers, and they barely fit.

although my husband's graveside service was short and sweet, i was amazed at the number of people who came. i think it's because, while not a lot of people knew gary personally because he lived out of state for many years before moving back, they all knew me and were there for my comfort. it was very touching.

we had a local minister officiate, he said a few words then read the lyrics from gary's favorite song. i had a bagpiper there, he walked down the hill a ways away from the gravesite and played "amazing grace" as he approached us. it was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. it was a grand sendoff with the release of a few doves at the end.

Best, that's such a sweet blessing. I'm tucking it away (for a long time, hopefully). Thank you.

Oh my goodness, bestyears , i could barely get through reading that without tears in my eyes. Ill be saving that one

A bagpiper would do me in, too.

My mom had some favorite so gs from when she was in decline, mostly Big band songs. She also liked Onward Christian Soldiers, or at least she remembered it from Sunday School.

dedtired,

Check with the local high school. Many have community service requirements for graduation. For both my parents' funerals, I was able to get some high school chorus members to sing Amazing Grace and a trumpet player from the band to play Taps graveside. The chorus and band members received community service credit and I made a donation to their competition travel fund.

Note: Both my parents were Army vets but the Veteran's Admin wanted to send a soldier with a boombox to play Taps. Two soldiers came and folded the flags from the coffins but the high schooler band trumpet player played Taps.

Sadly the men who did the rifle ceremonies and gun saltues are dying off. The grand children all got a spent brass casing when their grandfather died and grandma got the bag piper.

My mom died right in the middle of early Covid, so we could never all assemble for a service. Instead, we eventually held a few small ceremonies at some of her favorite places -San Francisco, Colorado, NH, etc. and released a handful of ashes each time. One of her favorite songs was Fly Me to the Moon -and we played that, as it seemed fitting.

For my MIL graveside service everyone received a rose then after the reading everyone place the rose on the grave and if they wanted said a few words about MIL. After everyone went out for a meal.

Ded, whatever you do will be fine and beautiful. I love the idea of putting ashes in her garden.

Kswl, I agree. I plan to become compost. There is a place in Maryland that does natural burials now. It is like a park where they will plant trees and shrubs and vistors will be welcome to walk the property. Two brothers inherited the lans and decided to do this with it. Congressional Cemetery is also allowing natural burials in one section I believe. Since I am in Virginia, I am not sure if people still need to be embalmed to have the body taken across state lines. If so, I will need to go farther afield (ha) here in Virginia. I am looking forward to becoming a tree. Really.

I planned one for my husband....i read a meaningful poem, read his obit. I had purchased flowers that each member of the family laid on the container with the ashes...the kids and grandkids did white carnations and I laid a red rose.. My grandson played a hymn on his trumpet. A minister friend said a prayer. He didn’t want anything but I needed some closure. We adjourned to our Club House for light lunch and remembering through pictures.

cyn427, there's one in the Shenandoah Valley, called Duck Run Natural Cemetery. Possibly more elsewhere, they seem to be increasing in popularity.

HU, grandma got the bagpiper? She didnt waste any time!

You all arranged such lovely services.

Ded, I'm so glad your sense of humor hasn't deserted you! So I guess it's safe to tell you that they do sell urns in the shape of bowling balls and pins. My father was a lifelong Steeler fan and my brother tucked a Steeler pin on his breast pocket. If we had found his Terrible Towel in time I'm sure that would have been there too. He was religious (unlike the rest of us) and had his Connemara marble rosary in his hands.

Function, your story reminded me what I did at my MIL's interment after the church service. At the time I hadn't been to many funerals and those I did attend, if they did this I didn't notice.

Don't laugh, but I've seen this on tv many times when the mourners throw a flower on the casket once it's lowered. I decided to do it because my MIL was like a mother to me. There were a lot of flowers at the gravesite so I took one and dropped in on the casket. Everybody followed and did the same.

One thing I've noticed is a lot more people are having graveside services, not because of the fear of Covid, but knowing how personal and calming graveside services really are.

Dedtired, we did a very simple graveside service for my mother - at her request. 5 months after her passing - my sister was ill and as she is the eldest, I wanted her participation. And she needed it.

The funeral service insisted on a white tent and chairs which I felt was overkill, but as it turned out we needed it. Raining.

Immediate family only, there were 12 of us. We had three flower arrangements on easels, one from each child. My sister led the service, spoke of mother, led us in prayer. When she had finished we said the Lord's Prayer as a group. Sis also placed the urn, its in a proper liner under my Dad's headstone. That's where I'd varied from what Mom had asked me for....she had said 'scatter me over your Dad's grave'. I agreed, but knowing she would be there about as long as it would take one of the groundskeepers to get out their leaf blower - made a more permanent plan. I like that the two of them are together, and chose two birds in flight for her marker, installed immediately in front of the headstone that has been there since 1965.

I'd planned to have lunch for everyone and it had been one of those kinds of years to that point, became overwhelmed trying to make everything perfect. DH's youngest sister came over the night before, took my food, prepared it, served it at her house. She does it flawlessly so easily, where I don't. I can, but with effort. I love that woman ;)

Thanks, Mtn. We had a big party for Mom’s 80th. I was surprised that my oldest son stood up and gave an eloquent and very funny speech about his grandmother.. I personally am ”speeched out”. I wrote her obituary . Thank heavens we had talked about her life and what was important to her.

I ordered a flat marker with her name as she wanted it. She’ll be interred right over her parents.

I will bring flowers for other family members as well. My grandfather had a sister who died at age six. That made me so sad when i was a child. I always put a flower on Mary Jane’s grave.

i have visited my fathers grave exactly twice in 22 years, and once was by mistake since i didnt know id be near that cemetery.

All good suggestions and I will try to get us organized. A bit like herding cats!

Dedtired, I rarely visited my fathers grave site either. DH has always taken on the responsibility of keeping things clean, trimmed, free of moss up there. He has a BIG family, many residing at the cemetery. At Christmas, one of his sisters makes wreathes and swags and the two of them distribute at the cemetery. This year she made 27, but a couple are friends he lost in Viet Nam. He would take care of my dads grave site even though I'd lost him years before meeting DH. (in fact. the couple right next to him doesn't seem to have had family visit in many years, and even though we know nothing about them, DH has taken over keeping theirs free of moss and debris too ;))

I knew it wasn't especially important to my father. Old family story of him driving cross country with my mother to their class reunion one year, and going many miles/hours out of their way to visit a tiny country cemetery. When they finally got there, he didn't even get out of the car. He didn't want to visit, he only wanted to see that it was still fenced and reasonably maintained overall. My mother was furious - so we heard about it. More than once.

Now that the two of them are together again, I do go. With DH, he has his little cemetery supplies with whisk broom, sometimes edger, weed in lawn spray, moss treatment. It all looks lovely. Somehow having them there brings me comfort and peace. We may only stay a few minutes, but I can tell them Hi together, know things are clean and bright. It's the first time in my adult life I've had my mom within a few minutes of my home and less than a couple of hours freeway drive.

DH has taken over keeping theirs free of moss and debris too

What a sweetie.

what do you use to clean the moss? Is there something easy to spray thats not going to kill everything else? The cemetery owner sent me a photo of my grandparents headstone and it is all mossy.

Try Spray&Forget. Began as a roof moss remover, (hard to reach surface and best not to scrub.) Seems they now make a few different ones. I haven't needed it myself but have heard good things.

Dedtired, DH doesn't remember the name of his product but he's telling me he's getting it cheapest at Walmart. He says also a 'degreaser', biodegradable and organic. He will show me the first time we're in a store that carries it. He has put it in his own generic measure pump spray bottle so no name.

I became concerned because I know some moss killers can stain stone and cement. A friend had just spent quite a bit having the lettering on a family headstone repainted and I was afraid to let him treat it. He assures me he's used it up there for years and everything he's killed moss on looks wonderful. But I do want to know what it is, I'll post when I've found out.

I won't let him use a moss killer on my lawn ever, I've stained shoes with one I've spread myself, and I've seen marks on sidewalks that are permanent from people applying them in granular form with a too wide spreader. Whatever this is, it really does work and it doesn't discolor or stain. I suspect its not marketed specifically for moss.

Thanks, morz8. Id like o know.

I was watching an old NCIS and they read this poem which is so touching...I thought of your ceremony.

Epitaph by Merrit Malloy

When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.

And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.

I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.

Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not your mind.

You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

Oh, Annie Annie. Thats lovely. Not sure i could get through it without breaking down. Thank you.

I'm crying.

I can't say anymore.