I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. Sounds like she was a wonderful light in your life. You don't say how often (or if) you speak with the husband by phone or exchange emails, but I think that would be a very good place to start. Maybe call him and just tell him that he and his girls have been on your heart; this could provide you both with an opening to talk about your friend -- to remember her and reminisce. I'd think that might do him a world of good. At least that's where I'd probably start.

Call in on him and even say you were thinking of J and wanted to talk to someone who knew her best. Ask how he is and see if he seems receptive of this. If he seems ok with your check in call do it again frequently to keep in touch. Send a few meals from a local restaurant that has delivery available out of the blue. If you happen to be in his neck of the woods try and arrange taking him out for a meal.

I am sorry for your loss.

Sigh…similar situation here. My friend died almost two years ago. Like you, previously she and her family has lived close by, but moved away about a year before she died. So now we are about two hours from her husband. As couples, we mostly saw them in group settings, so the two husbands were friendly enough but not friends. But she and I were close. To maybe complicate our situation, I never liked her DH all that much. Still, we communicated frequently when she was near the end and after she passed. Two friends and I had dinner with him when we were in his area a few months after she died, but other than holiday cards we’ve had no communication. I am not sure what if anything I should be doing but sometimes I feel guilty, thinking: would she have wanted me to check in more? I will be following the discussion here, as the two year anniversary of her death is coming up and maybe I will reach out to him.

I am not sure what if anything I should be doing but sometimes I feel guilty, thinking: would she have wanted me to check in more?

This, exactly. Especially when my husband confirmed my thinking --- J is the kind of person that would have done something... would have figured out something nice to do.

Sue, I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

Don't just call and talk, call and invite him to dinner. Or to meet at a restaurant. Words are cheap, your time is worth a lot more.

I’m sorry, Mtn and Sue. ❤️

I can’t say what’s best without knowing those involved, I can only give my experience after being widowed:

I so appreciated people reaching out in any way they felt comfortable and natural doing. Treating our friendship like they always had. And I most appreciated people saying my husband’s name and relating good memories. I never want him forgotten. It can be painful hearing certain things, yes, but in a therapeutic way.

I joined an online widow/er support group early on and that was something we all hurt over — people being afraid to bring them up. We even had a thread titled, ”Say their name” and we’d all say and post each others partner’s names every day. It was so poignant and meaningful.

So just be you. Just reach out and be yourself. Let him know he’s not being forgotten, nor is his wife. Take cues from him — everyone has different needs and handles things differently.

You’ll know what to do. :)

Words are cheap, your time is worth a lot more.

I am totally willing to give of my time. Exactly how is not clear. Invite him to dinner? I am a 2hr drive. Meet him at a restaurant ... maybe. Just me or DH and I?

Also keep in mind he is not elderly or frail or anything ... still working, etc.

Thank you, Jill. That is very helpful. You made me realize it doesn't have to be the perfect overture, especially if trying to find the perfect thing keeps me from doing anything at all. I might also reach out to one of her local friends for input.

Mtn and Sue, I'm very sorry for your losses.

Jilly has said beautifully everything I was going to say. Stay in touch and invite or visit (if that's agreeable) with some regularity.

Although widows/widowers retain some fragility for some time, it's important to treat them not as poor things but as living, breathing folks trying to find some footing and being able to move forward. Not move on, but to find some forward momentum.

If they're okay with it, talk about the person they lost, not just in hushed tones, but with warmth, appreciation, laughter, stories. It's such a gift to tell a story they haven't heard before. Or, if it's a good one, tell one they've already heard again. They live in our hearts and memories, so keep those memories alive and vibrant.

Thank you for caring about your friend.

Bunny ❤️

If you have photos of your time together with your friend, perhaps you could choose some that highlight varied parts of her personality. Then you could send him one of the photos with a note remembering that bit about her. Rinse and repeat every month or so with a new photo. It will remind him how much you cared for her, and will say her name in a meaningful way. I'd guess he'd keep those photos and notes from you and look at them several times.

Time after time, the thing I hear most often is how friends faded away after the loss of a partner/spouse. For most, I think it happens because people don't know what to say or do and they are afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. But, over and over, people who have lost a spouse say the thing that meant the most to them is friends and family reaching out, staying in touch, asking how they are doing, and most importantly, keeping the memory of the deceased alive by sharing memories, telling stories, saying how much you miss them and how often you think of them.

I think a lot of us hesitate to do that because we don't want to remind the survivor of their loss or inadvertently contribute to their pain, but the thing is they are highly aware that they've lost a loved one. We aren't reminding them of that by bringing the loved one up; they know and they live with it every day.

So send a card with a note, stay in touch via text or email and give J's husband and children a call every now and then. If you happen to be in their area, arrange to visit or go out to eat. It will mean more to them than you can ever imagine. Staying in touch with the children by sending them birthday cards and noting important milestones in their lives will be something they treasure.

So sorry for the loss of J. It's very difficult to know what to do and it's such a helpless feeling. Some people seem to know naturally how to navigate these things, but most of us don't. Just go with your instincts; they rarely steer us in the wrong direction.

Sue and Mtn, I think you are both so sweet to be thinking of the husbands of your friends. I am sure you both are grieving too. I suspect what brings back happy memories for you will also be meaninful to their husbands.

One of the things that has brought my mom great joy since my father died is that every so often one of my cousins will send an old photo of "uncle mike".. we've all seen our own family photos many times but the new photos brought back fresh memories... and it also meant a lot to her to know others were thinking of my dad.

I think the real message is that it doesn't have to be something especially grand... it is coming from your heart and that makes it perfect.

I lost my husband last May. He was only 67.

@mtnrdredux_gw please reach out, even just a phone call.

I can attest, and am saddened that people have "disappeared" who I thought I could rely on. One friend even moved and didn't tell me.

I do have 2 friends I speak to every day or two, who have faithfully checked in with me, especially when I have had some rough days.

Do reach out. Is he on Facebook? Just a simple text message even. Does he need help with anything.

Sometimes I just need someone to verify and be a sounding board as I navigate through managing everyday "stuff" and that I'm on the right track.

I‘m so sorry, Bev

Bev, my deepest condolences. My heart hurts for you — it’s never easy, but the year of ”firsts” is particularly brutal.

Shock wears off and reality sets in.

I had many friends and some family completely abandon me, too. It was devastating on top of our loss. I’m so sorry to hear you’re dealing with that. Wish I could sit with you and hear about your husband. ❤️

@Jilly See that response is perfect!! You made me cry...

Well, shoot. I just put on my makeup and now it's all messed up.

So, so for sorry Jilly's, Bunny's, and BevtheBrit's losses and your related struggles and disappointments.

@mtnrdredux_gw, awhile ago I bookmarked this column. I thought of it when I read your post. Perhaps just a simple handwritten note, as he describes receiving, right now while you're thinking of it?

And thank you to Jilly, Bunny and Bev for your generous responses.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/24/well/gifts-gratitude-friendship-loss-grief-stress-poetry.html

Thanks for the inspiration, mtn and others. I just emailed my friend’s husband and included a couple of photos of L enjoying life with friends, told him I think of her (and him) often especially with the anniversary coming up, etc.

Send a Google or Shutterfly photo book!!!

My best friend sent me a Google photo book, all the way from England!

Whilst she did not have the original photo's she sourced them from photo's I had sent to her online. It was unexpected and I was overwhelmed at such a thoughtful gift and keepsake.

The ability to share in a person's grief is underrated. Just standing with those who mourn matters. People flee difficult feelings and circumstances they cannot fix.

@mtnrdredux_gw maybe you and your husband could arrange to meet him (halfway perhaps?) for lunch or dinner soon. Just catch up on life and see how he is doing. Having both a widower an widow in our extended family, I have heard their comments about them feeling left out/losing their "couple friends". Many of us get together with other couples. Then one part of a couple is gone. I think (for some) it can be hard to decide what to do as you go forward. Do you include the spouse who is left? Decide it might be too painful (and it might) for that person to be included in a group of couples? I think just reaching out and keeping up with that person goes a long way.

I'm sure your friend's husband would love to see you and hear what you have been up to. I'm sure he would love sharing memories of his wife with you. : )

I'm not sure I agree with the statement that "words are cheap." I believe that words can be absolutely invaluable, and whether they come by phone call, in an email, or delivered face-to-face, it's authentic, open communication that matters most and is probably the first thing to cease after the memorial service is over. Our words can be precious, can lift up the grieving, can bring about connection and hope.

I was thinking about this just this weekend remembering friends who have passed away - We had dinner with some friends on the weekend and the host who I graduated from business school with almost 50 years ago (gosh I've known him a long time), lost his wife to Lou Gehrigs 5 years ago and A is always mentioned and talked about when we see him.

Send a card talking about his wife. Although I know you spoke at her service there is nothing wrong with saying something like "I still laugh when I thing about...." I still have fond memories thinking about...." or "Do you remember when.....?" Include a picture if you can.

I know others have mentioned emails but cards are just such a much nicer keepsake. Maybe use a card that reminds you of her and note that in the card. You may have already made a donation on her behalf for something but If J had a specific love of something (dogs? libraries?) mention it and perhaps make a donation on her behalf.

I have a friend whose son took his own life 6 years ago and he use to baby-sit my kids and his younger brother was a friend of one of my sons. Every time I see my friend (3-4 times a year) I always make a point of speaking his name. You can just tell how her face lights up that she still wants people to talk about him.

Thanks everyone. As always, very wise counsel here.

When my sister died, long ago, I had a weekly telephone conversation with my BIL. I think more than anything, that helped him cope. It’s a lonely time. Nothing like the sound of a friend’s voice.

My brother in law remarried about ten years sfter my sisters death and i really like his wife.

I'm so sorry for all of you who have lost a dear friend or spouse. I think I might connect first with a card letting him know you have been remembering J a lot, and thinking of him and the children. As others said, perhaps add a special memory. Then perhaps another card or text a while later, perhaps around a special date (their wedding anniversary, her birthday, an event you did together). Perhaps these contacts could lead into an invitation to meet up with you and DH, perhaps not. Regardless, I'm sure hearing from you would mean a lot to him.

Your post has motivated me to reach out to a childhood friend (my sister's best friend but our families spent a lot of time together) whose husband passed away almost a year ago. It has been in the back of my mind for a while, but this reminds me that there is no better time than now. You and your friend were very blessed to have each other.

My husband died MANY years ago, but I can relate to what others have said about the changes that come to our lives and friendships with the death of a spouse. Friends who disappeared, but other friends who came forward and stepped up contact. I missed going out to dinner or movies or concerts with our couple friends who seemed uncomfortable with an 'extra' in their twosome. I didn't take it personally, but realized people often just don't know until they've been there themselves. We were in our mid 40's, so most of our friends didn't have a lot of experience with death of their peers.

I loved people remembering his birthday and also acknowledging the anniversary of his death.

Things may be different for widowers and widows. Men often are socialized to not talk about their feelings, especially to others than their spouse. But I can't help but believe that men are just as gratified by being remembered and others reaching out to them. If they had an active social life, besides the calls or notes, I agree with either making a trip to his area once in a while for a dinner out, or meeting half way. Anything you do will be appreciated, I'm sure. And please make a special effort to reach out to her children. They are young to be without their mother.

I was going to say the same about the kids.

I was in my last year of law-school when my mom died when she was 55, and I really missed having a "mom" figure (and I do to this day). Obviously, i had friends my own age who were great, but there were times (like breaking up w/ my live-in boy friend soon after) where I needed a "mom" perspective on things, someone with some life wisdom (also times when I would have appreciated things moms often do, like care packages being sent during exam time.)

I had a wonderful person in my life close to my mom's age who sort-of filled that role, but not everyone does. Don't know how close you were to her kids, but if you can or think they'd be receptive...

Thanks for your insight. I am glad you had someone.

My question was primarily about her DH, where I felt unsure.

I am more comfortable reaching out to her girls, which I have done, and will continue to do so. We were pretty close age 0-10. I am not that close to their kids now, because they moved, then moved back, then we moved, and then the girls have been away at college and medical school so I have not seen them. The eldest has a very serious live in BF and is close to her MIL-to-be (pretty sure tho not official), and I think she, in turn, is very nurturing of her little sister.

Because it's an awkward situation I'd call first to say you've been thinking about him & wondering how he's doing. I think he'd feel good about how you still care.