She should maybe speak to a counsellor who specializes in helping children.

It sounds like there may something, or someone inside that school that your grandson is very afraid of, and he shouldn't be forced to go until Mom finds out what is. I wouldn't accept the teachers word that he's okay in the classroom. If Mom is allowed, she should walk him all the way to his room and observe how the other kids in the room are behaving. Of course, it could be as simple as him not wanting Mommy to leave him, but kids usually get over that after the first week, or so. and he's still doing it. That would worry me, also.

He started acting like this the very first day. He seems to be happy when walking to school but acts up when he gets there. Im wondering if its just being stubborn and trying to manipulate his Mom.

How is he when she picks him up after school? Of course he's happy to see her, but does he seem to have had a good time or is he sullen, sad-looking, etc.?

Yes hes happy to see her and seems to have had a good day. He eats all his lunch and plays in the yard.

Once he's in he's fine. Daughter questions him and he won't say.

I'd quit asking him questions. I'd confirm with the principal that all is correct in the classroom. I'd tell the child starting tomorrow I'm walking him to the door but he has to go in to his classroom himself like all the other kids do. Then tomorrow, walk him to the door, say "Bye bye", turn and leave. Dramatics get you no attention.

*sigh* isn't it easy to tell other people how to raise their children. The above is given as food for thought. Tell your daughter "this too shall pass, by the time he's in high school he'll be walking himself in just fine"!

It sounds like some separation anxiety. Maybe mum could send son to school with a neighbor or friend with a child in the same class? Goodbyes could be said at the neighbor drop off to see if that creates less of an upheaval than mum walking the child to school and turning him over at the door.

“Im wondering if its just being stubborn and trying to manipulate his Mom.”

Probably.

I agree with Woodrose, I’d want to observe myself. My daughter did this in preschool and walking away, but then immediately coming back in to peek through the door, quickly put us at ease.

She had tried taking him to a friends house but he acts up there too.

He went to daycare for 3 years and didnt act like this

Seriously, talk with his principal.

eta: it is possible that the boy simply isn't ready for kindergarten yet. Delaying a year might be the answer. My brilliant niece (straight A student all through public school and competitive college) waited an extra year to start first grade. Her mom (a teacher) said that extra year of maturity made a world of difference. So don't be dismayed if that is presented as an option.

FOAS has a good idea. Perhaps you could return to the school via a different entrance and try to observe without being seen by the child. It is true some children have separation anxiety, but there are also other incidents and issues that can validly provoke anxiety, and if it is one of those you should try to find out.

As a former school nurse I was informed of issues from time to time with very young children. Children bullying one another in the restroom. Children touching inappropriatly at naptime. Children frightened by something they are not familiar with, like the time an opossum was found in the playground trash can. I'm of the mind that if there was an actual incident, it might be helpful to have a discussion.

I'd try to talk to him...something like, "You know you can tell me anything." This is when he needs a friend. You can be a parent/grandma later, after he tells you.

My DD had a terrible time starting school. She is a quiet kid, so didn't cry or carry on much, but she struggled with the anxiety at drop off. She was fine during the day too- with mom out of sight, out of mind. One time I tried to give her a trinket to put in her pocket that might help make her feel closer to me during the day, but she said it reminded her too much of me and would upset her. He may just need a little extra time to get use to the big, new schedule.

One thing that did help with DD was to have a little ritual we did each day at drop off. I would wait outside the gate until she was about to disappear from sight, then she would turn back and I would sign "I love you" to her. Maybe it just gave her something to look forward to at that time of the day? Maybe it just refocused her?

Some of the kids that had the hardest time starting school with DD ended up being the most social kids later on.

The good part is that he is fine while in school. Years ago a mom used to stay outside the classroom because her son would not be able to particpate in school at all unless he saw his mom.

The principal was totally against this. Long story short, there are 2 other elementary schools in town. They finally agreed to transfer him to a different school and he was fine!

i wasn’t friends with the mom, so only know limited details.

I just remember how distraught she was wandering the halls. I happened to be doing some volunteer work one day so she told me why she was there.

None the less, I agree with Elmer. The fact that he was fine in preschool and now having issues, a therapist will be a good place to start for guidance on getting your granson through this.

So hard.

Both my DD and n my grand daughter went through this. They simply don't adjust to change as readily. In Pre School and Kindergarten my DD literally had to be dragged out of the car for several weeks. I would sneak back and peek in the window and she would be happily painting minutes later.

This is going to be an unpopular opinion but quit trying to psychoanalyze the child. Stop asking him why. He doesn't know why. He is just working through his feelings. This is common in many children and the best thing mom can do is cheerfully wish him a good day and walk away. DGD entered 4th grade this year and still went through a few days of tears at home. If he is happy at the end of the day, let it go. This too will pass.

Grand daughter is very social and extremely independent in all other areas of her life as was DD. She is popular and sought after as a friend.

If the kindergarten is part of an elementary school, they will probably have a Principal, Asst. Principal, and guidance or other counselors. Enlist one of them to meet you outside and help get your grandchild in to school (I get it, you can't just say, "have a great day" and walk away; I'm guessing that child will run after you). Transitions can be very difficult for many children, and I really doubt that anyone wants to be "that kid freaking out in front of school" on purpose. We suffered that same exact situation on occasionm, except that my child regularly rode the bus. For some reason she was able to happily get on the bus, and of course once it arrived at school, she hopped right into her classroom. Being dropped off by a parent was just a no-go (why the bus worked, and drop off didn't -- my kid couldn't tell you).

Just as kindergardners are developmentally unable to articulate why, If the child is fairly neurotypical, it's unlikely it is a deliberate ploy to manipulate adults (to what end? the child ends up in the classroom anyways). Sadly, probably harder on the caregiver to drop off, than on the child as they seem to recover quickly in the classroom. I could have been a zillionaire if I'd turned my minivan into a drive up bar in preschool, LOL.Good luck.

Did this child attend preschool?

It's hard for me to understand why the school is not communicating about this situation better, explaining the problem and its resolution.

I worked as preschool aide for children who needed a "companion". Charges of mine as well as others sometimes had this problem..We found that if a child knew he had something to do when he arrived, something arranged the day before, he made the transition more easily. Or, welcomed with "oh, Avi, count out 5 paper plates for me for snack time" as he arrived.

And it sounds harsh but Mom/caregiver should simply walk child in, hand over to teacher, say "have fun, I'll see you after (whatever the last activity of the day is)." Then leave and don't walk past the window where child might see.

All of this does require a conversation with the teacher, principal, etc.

This is sooo hard on your daughter. Sounds like mostly the grandson is in the end ok...but as a mom sooo not easy to trust and feel she is doing the right thing!!

Yanking mama’s chain. He’s feeling her distress and anxiety and acting out on it.

Is there anyone else available to take him to school for a while?

mask requirement?

I wonder if preschool was more structured, especially at the beginning of the day, than kindergarten? or a smaller class? Subdivided into groups? Some kids find it easier to start the day with that. Not questions to ask the child but to think about.

This is normal. I taught preschool and kindergarten for a while. I had one little girl that would be crying and carrying on when her parents dropped her off. It was requested that her parents drop her off and leave quickly. The first few weeks I would take her outside so that she wasn't disturbing the other children, and she would just ask me question after question and I could tell she was very anxious. She wanted me to tell her over and over that the teachers would never leave her alone because it was against the rules. She was big on rules. :) She would stay awake during nap time just making sure a teacher was always there. After a couple of weeks she was fine. In her case, I think she was afraid of being left alone and once she knew there would always be a teacher around, she calmed down.

arcy has an excellent point -- hugs to you and your daughter and grandson, this is so hard for everyone. You will get through it! There's been some terrific suggestions and one or other will feel right to you all. Good luck.

The reason he didn't act up when being dropped off at daycare is likely because he started there when he was two and then had three years of getting used to it (assuming he didn't go to multiple daycare providers).

I've taught kindergarten and grade one for the last 12 years. This scenario is really not uncommon. I might not have a student with transition issues every year, but usually at least every other year.

It is hard from a teacher's perspective to see parents prolong the drop off (not sure if that is what is happening in your situation). I know it is hard to go when your child is crying, but what I see is a child in distress as long as the parent is there and then (usually) immediately calm down when they leave, it makes my heart hurt for both of them. It is usually much harder on the child to have the parent hang around.

We do as bpath mentioned above and have something to distract them as soon as they arrive. Often a staff member is assigned to a child having trouble making the transition so they can greet them one on one and be the in between person between classroom and parent. Often this person will walk with them in the hall or take them to gather snack from the kitchen, etc.

It is important to validate feelings (you're feeling sad and it's okay to feel sad for a minute when you say goodbye) and then remind them that feelings come and feelings go. Have the school staff remind him of something that makes him feel happy that occurs at school or, again, physically distract him with the thing that makes him happy.

Good luck. I know it is hard to stick it out but, in my experience, these kids settle after a week or two of using the above strategies (and often in just a few days). As others have said, these kids often turn out to be really independent and love school. One in particular who took the longest of any I've taught to settle into kindergarten, by grade one had become uber confident and is now leader of the student council.

Thanks for all your advice.

He probably can't tell his mom why as he doesn't yet have the vocabulary to describe his feelings.