At wit's end with unhappy Schefflera
Andy Jane
2 years ago
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Andy Jane
2 years agoRelated Discussions
Sudden Witnessed Death of Spouse
Comments (14)Becky, I've had a tough year too. I get it, but it's time to -- in the words of my late father -- get an attitude adjustment. I hated it when he said that. ;-) I hope you will understand what I am saying and know it not said with judgment, any harsh thoughts or desire to cause you pain. Sometimes there are things e probably already know, but it helps to hear someone else say them. That's where I'm coming from -- with a desire to help you over a hurdle. I see so much to be grateful for and to celebrate in your posts. Isn't it wonderful that you found that happiness and know that life has so much more to offer you than you had before? Eighteen months is not years or decades, but it is hundreds of days -- hundreds of sunrises, hundreds of sunsets and everything in between. And what about the fact that you were married? You may be a widow now, but had you not been married, you would not be next of kin and would have had no legal relationship or rights. He could have just as easily have passed before you were married and you would have had no say on his final affairs. You did say goodbye -- you tried to save him and pull him back, then you laid him to rest when you couldn't. That's more than many people get, Trust me, even when death is years in coming, you don't get to plan the moment or the way you say goodbye. You make the most of what you get and you give what you can for as long as you can. What do you want your late husband's legacy to be? What would he want the gift of his time with you to be? Sorrow? Being oppressed by his memory as you were a previous spouse? Or joy for everyday you had together and the things you know are possible? First tings first -- stop kicking yourself. You are not God. You didn't give him the heart condition and you couldn't save him. You said some things you regret -- doesn't everyone? And don't you think the one who loved you knew that better than anyone? If he didn't then, he does now -- more than you. Most of all, I want to suggest you try to spend some time each day counting your blessings. Maybe first thing over coffee, maybe in the shower or as you get ready for sleep -- it may be the first spring bloom you saw, a favorite tune you heard, a kind word said, a checkout line that moved quickly, that you didn't get any bills in the mail -- or at east anything unexpected, hat a friend shared a happiness with you or you were able to do something for someone else. Find a few new things each day and reflect back on one happiness from days gone by, Say thank you fr each one and don't take them for granted. The events in your life may not change (maybe they will), but how you feel about them will. I bought a greeting card when I was in college and planned to send it to my parents when the time was right. Instead, I enjoyed reading it and still have it. It had a Sandra Boyton hippo on the front and he was saying he was on a new diet. He used to eat when he was unhappy, so now he only ate when he was happy. You open the card and he comments, "I haven't lost a pound, but the change in my mood is remarkable." Loved that card and it still makes me smile. Then try to reach out to others who are lonely or in need of help. There are so many elderly who need companionship, meals or assistance with simple tasks, people who need tutoring. blind people who would appreciate reading books for them or taping them, children and adults in hospitals who are bored or scared, animals in shelters who would love to be touched and loved, walked, etc. You might even decide to adopt a pet and give them a new lease on life and let them give you purrs or wags. Helping someone else up always lifts you too. You can't replace your late husband, but you can lose out on a lot of life and happiness wishing he was there. Instead, take what he taught you and what he shared with you and go apply it in a life he would be happy to be watching you live. Give him that gift - now and should you meet again. I've shed a lot of tears too They are unavoidable, and they can be cleansing. Cry when you have to, but don't let them take over. You were given a wonderful gift. Live thankfully....See MoreStepson Causing Unhappiness
Comments (9)Unfortunately, you made a big mistake by letting him (and his girlfriend) come back to live in your home. After his violent episode, I would not only have kicked him out, but I would have called the police and gone to court to get a restraining order on him. That way, he could only visit with your expressed permission. You have to protect your own son as well as yourself. "I just need a place to say for a while until I get on my feet," is one of the oldest manipulative tricks in the book. It usually means that, "I don't have any plans to do anything, and I've run out of money." You are seeing that now. I don't necessarily buy the argument that they have nowhere else to go. What about her family or friends. I think that it's just more convenient for them to impose on you first. I think that 60 days could easily turn into 6 months. Then if the girlfriend gets pregnant, they will need even more time. You need to tell them now that they have 30 days and that's it. If he threatens you or steals from you again, he and the girlfriend need to leave immediately. Call the police and get a restraining order. Your wife hasn't acted like a parent with her son. She is an enabler and her attitude reflects poorly on your marriage. You are working hard and paying the bills there. If she is not going to support you, then she needs to make a decision if she should even be there. I would tell her this. You need to be prepared mentally and emotionally for all the potential negative surprises here. Think about what you should say in advance if you get another phone call begging you to let them come back. What will you say if you find that they are using drugs again, etc. Don't worry about being the bad guy. This is just their way of manipulating you. The son is the one in the wrong here. Until he is forced to take responsibility, he will never be able to survive on his own. Your role in supporting him ended when he was 18. It's been four years now, so kicking him out for good is long overdue. Be strong and you will be happier with the result. If your wife leaves you over this, then you will be better off without her....See MoreBuilder unhappy with bank draw terms
Comments (63)This is effectively a non-collateralized project. That is a huge risk for the bank and builder. There is not a strong enough market for this type of house for the builder or bank to recoup their costs if the buyer defaults. Before I even start addressing this, which I am going to momentarily, this doesn't matter. The project isn't more or less collateralized if the bank makes 10 equal payments or 1 lump sum payment! The risk of non-payment and the loan amount are things that are outside the two alternatives. So even if you establish the bank has more risk, that doesn't mean you establish that the bank CAN IN ANY WAY DIMINISH THAT RISK by paying more money up front. Furthermore, the builder isn't on the loan and isn't exposed to shortfalls any more in this arrangement than he would be in any other arrangement. It isn't his loan, he isn't acting as guarantor of the loan and unless you are privy to information that we are not, hasn't given an appraisal guarantee. Now even were all those things true, once again, his exposure doesn't change because he has the money upfront. How does having 40% upfront protect him from an asset impairment problem? In the end, he still has to build the house, which means he still has to spend the money. The only protection gained by the builder from having 40% upfront are solvency problems, which are definitely not the OP's problem. Finally, you have not a clue what the actual equity position of the house is. You are leaving out their down payment and the value of the attached property, protection for lack of collateral is done by the bank prior to funding the loan. I have significant acreage where land is $15,000 an acre, I could borrow money on a construction loan to build a good sized house out of tin cans and wouldn't be under-collatoralized. With a standard house the house itself becomes collateral. Not really true, the land all attachments becomes collateral, this is why homes that are removable from the property always go down in value....See MoreSchefflera and Aechmea fasciata have "burnt" spots on their leaves.
Comments (8)It's entirely possible that you can't help but over-water; or, a better way of organizing that thought might be to say, if you're watering correctly and your soil holds an excessive volume of water when watering chores are done, the stage is set for bouts of Oedema, which is clearly being made manifest in the plants in the image. My suggestion would be to continue to water correctly, but start using any or several of a variety of techniques that will limit the amount of excess water your soil can/will hold. Then, as your plant begins to use what water remains in the soil, monitor it carefully with a tell. More on that later. Something as simple as tipping the pot at a 45* angle after you water can eliminate a large measure of excess water. Compare line drawing B to drawing A in the image below to see the difference that makes:Also note D and E respectively to see how use of ballast and/or a wick can notably reduce how much excess water media hold. Did you know, if your pot is easy to manage, holding it over the sink and moving it downward toward the drain, then sharply upward, takes advantage of Newton's First Law of Motion, and can remove virtually ALL excess water from your pots? Something I wrote about using a 'tell': Over-watering saps vitality and is one of the most common plant assassins, so learning to avoid it is worth the small effort. Plants make and store their own energy source – photosynthate - (sugar/glucose). Functioning roots need energy to drive their metabolic processes, and in order to get it, they use oxygen to burn (oxidize) their food. From this, we can see that terrestrial plants need air (oxygen) in the soil to drive root function. Many off-the-shelf soils hold too much water and not enough air to support good root health, which is a prerequisite to a healthy plant. Watering in small sips leads to a build-up of dissolved solids (salts) in the soil, which limits a plant's ability to absorb water – so watering in sips simply moves us to the other horn of a dilemma. It creates another problem that requires resolution. Better, would be to simply adopt a soil that drains well enough to allow watering to beyond the saturation point, so we're flushing the soil of accumulating dissolved solids whenever we water; this, w/o the plant being forced to pay a tax in the form of reduced vitality, due to prolong periods of soil saturation. Sometimes, though, that's not a course we can immediately steer, which makes controlling how often we water a very important factor. In many cases, we can judge whether or not a planting needs watering by hefting the pot. This is especially true if the pot is made from light material, like plastic, but doesn't work (as) well when the pot is made from heavier material, like clay, or when the size/weight of the pot precludes grabbing it with one hand to judge its weight and gauge the need for water. Fingers stuck an inch or two into the soil work ok for shallow pots, but not for deep pots. Deep pots might have 3 or more inches of soil that feels totally dry, while the lower several inches of the soil is 100% saturated. Obviously, the lack of oxygen in the root zone situation can wreak havoc with root health and cause the loss of a very notable measure of your plant's potential. Inexpensive watering meters don't even measure moisture levels, they measure electrical conductivity. Clean the tip and insert it into a cup of distilled water and witness the fact it reads 'DRY'. One of the most reliable methods of checking a planting's need for water is using a 'tell'. You can use a bamboo skewer in a pinch, but a wooden dowel rod of about 5/16” (75-85mm) would work better. They usually come 48” (120cm) long and can usually be cut in half and serve as a pair. Sharpen all 4 ends in a pencil sharpener and slightly blunt the tip so it's about the diameter of the head on a straight pin. Push the wooden tell deep into the soil. Don't worry, it won't harm the root system. If the plant is quite root-bound, you might need to try several places until you find one where you can push it all the way to the pot's bottom. Leave it a few seconds, then withdraw it and inspect the tip for moisture. For most plantings, withhold water until the tell comes out dry or nearly so. If you see signs of wilting, adjust the interval between waterings so drought stress isn't a recurring issue. You'll find more about dealing with water-retentive soils if you click me. Al...See Moretapla (mid-Michigan, USDA z5b-6a)
2 years agolitterbuggy (z7b, Utah)
2 years agotapla (mid-Michigan, USDA z5b-6a)
2 years agoAndy Jane
2 years agoAndy Jane
2 years agotapla (mid-Michigan, USDA z5b-6a)
2 years agolast modified: 2 years ago
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