FIND PROFESSIONALS
SHOP BY DEPARTMENT
Houzz Logo Print
jane__ny

What to do with old gold jewerly?

jane__ny
last year
last modified: last year

Been a difficult week. I lost my husband of 50 years and am preparing his funeral.

I have been thinking about things I never thought about before.

I have one son and daughter. Son hasn't married, my daughter is married with two teenage girls. I have old jewelry which has been sitting in a safety deposit box for many years.

I brought my daughter to the bank to see the old jewelry and if she thought my two teenage grand-daughters would be interested in them. I realize that my old, heavy gold jewelry would not be attractive to young girls today, but thought I could take some stones out of pieces and have them set into something they would like.

My daughter said I should just try to sell the pieces. The girls would not wear any of the pieces, nor would she. I understood that as I don't wear them anymore or have for many years.

What do people do with old jewelry? Some are not old enough to be considered 'estate' as they are from the 50's-60's. I haven't worn any of them for most of my life. However they are heavy gold. I suggested my daughter have them melted down to make something new, but she said she wasn't going to do that.

What do people do with jewelry which is not antique, yet worth something due to the amount of gold and precious stones?

What about valuable china, crystal, antique pieces? Not sure she would be interested in those either.

Its a depressing time for me and I"m looking at things I've saved over the years and realize these things hold memories for me but not for anyone else.

Jane

Comments (92)

  • Chessie
    last year

    Thankfully for me I never was one for a lot of jewelry. I do have a few pairs of nice gold earrings, and when I turned 50 I bought myself a nice pair of diamond earrings and a ring, to wear as everyday items (so they are rather "low key" and somewhat modern). I am going to leave it up to my son as to what he does with those things, but I have written up a document on everything of either value or sentiment, that I own, and my son knows where this document is. That way he can make an informed decision about them.


    About my own mom's jewelry though....


    It's funny how tastes change as you age. My mother passed last summer at 89, and she did have a few pieces of nice jewelry. She had this ruby ring, that I thought was simply gorgeous when she got it, and I always told her that was the one piece of her jewelry that I wanted. She also had some pearls, some very nice diamond studs, and her diamond wedding rings (that had been redone of course so they were much more "modern" looking now. She also had an amazing gold and diamond baguette heart necklace - my dad bought it for her 20-some years ago, she had seen it in a jewelry store in NYC and loved it. My dad called my sister and had her buy it and ship it to them and mom was just thrilled with it. She wore it for special occasions, and always to the annual Christmas party. I always thought it was a rather stunning piece, but not something that I personally would ever wear.


    After she passed away - somehow the ruby ring held no appeal for me at all, but that heart necklace? It is in a special box on my dresser and I wear it to special occasions, just like she did.


    Your grandchildren's tastes will change, but if the pieces do have nice stones, I think I would find a good jeweler that creates his own pieces, and sit down with him and see what he can suggest. Have them recreated into more current (less heavy!) "younger" styles, and show them to your granddaughters. Explain the history of the stones, even better, write up a note on each. Let your granddaughters know that these will be theirs's one day. I don't care what your daughter says today, ignore that. If you want to sell a few pieces, fine, but have something made for the girls. It may be something that they will treasure.

    jane__ny thanked Chessie
  • jane__ny
    Original Author
    last year

    Thank you all. It has been a difficult two weeks.


    Flew up to NY for his funeral. So many of his colleagues from the hospital were there as were our friends and neighbors. Our son and daughter spoke and I was so moved by their memories and how they spoke of their father.


    I did not speak. I felt I wasn't there in an odd way. Somehow the three days and the long traveling with planes and rental cars was so exhausting.


    Now being home and dealing with seeing him everywhere in our house, constantly reminded of him, knowing I have to remove his clothes and personal items is a constant reminder of him. Everything in our home reminds me of him.


    I realized, I lived with my mother for 22 yrs and married my husband. My mothers death devastated me 35 yrs ago. We were so close.


    But my husband was my friend and partner for 50 yrs. I can't believe I will never see him again.


    I know things fade with time, but I am not there yet. It is so sad and I feel so lost without him.


    The jewelry is put on hold.


    Thank you everyone for such kind words.


    Jane

  • Related Discussions

    jewerly I got

    Q

    Comments (6)
    Hi sewigardnut I was just lurking at old posts and ran across your jewelry find. I just saw these really neat styrofoam cone shaped trees decorated with old jewelry that were absolutely beautiful. This wouldn't be for the garden but would look stunning in your home. They used pearls and chain necklaces draped as garland. Have you seen anything like that? Gook luck whatever you do. GREAT find!!
    ...See More

    Old Korbel Gold? Oldtimer?

    Q

    Comments (2)
    I'm not familiar with Old Korbel Gold, but I'm a big fan of Oldtimer. The alternate name, Coppertone, is an apt description of the color, especially when the rose is in bud & before it opens fully. It's not an intensely fragrant rose, but the fragance it has is definitely not myrhh. I left my original Oldtimer in a previous garden. The grafted ones I've had since have all been virused -- and pretty badly virused at that. This spring I finally got a virus-indexed plant from Vintage. For what it's worth, I'll tell you that, of the five bands I received this spring, Oldtimer has been the slowest to show signs of new growth.
    ...See More

    What do you do with old/unwanted jewelry?

    Q

    Comments (19)
    When cleaning out my sister's apartment I gathered enough jewelry to fill 2 1/2 small flat bins used to store Christmas bulbs. She loved costume jewelry, so many clip earings, some that I remember she wore when I was a child like chandilier earings. Rings, watches, bracelets, brooches. Some pieces are good. She ordered some from shopping channels. The jewelry I cared most about finding was my Grandmother's wedding ring set that my sister wore but couldn't find it. We put a lot of clothing items in the apartment's recydling room before we realized a few days later we should have checked pockets. I have been slowly going through the jewelry and bought a magnet to help decipher what may be gold or silver. One thing I plan on doing with some of the earings is to make some wall art. My friend made a beautiful Christmas tree on velvet that she framed using her Mom's jewelry. You can also get some tall styrophone cones or cardboard cones and wrap them in velvet and cover them with pieces. So beautiful. You can also make some bouquets of jewelly flowers with some pieces.
    ...See More

    ever sell your 'old gold'?

    Q

    Comments (3)
    There have been a few posts on this topic. Do a search and see if anything comes up. There are companies that buy gold that come into town on weekends and camp at the Holiday Inn. I took my stuff there, got an evaluation I wasn't happy with. I went to the car, grabbed my phone book and called a trusted jeweller, who advertises in the paper as buying gold. I went to him immediately and he offered me 3x what I was quoted by the fly-by-nighters. IMO your best bet is the local jewellers.
    ...See More
  • salonva
    last year

    Hugs to you Jane. Wishing you strength and that you are comforted by your memories.

    jane__ny thanked salonva
  • arcy_gw
    last year

    We had just returned from my Father in Law's funeral. The family home hadn't been lived in for a month as my mother in law was in the hospital recovering from surgery and it wasn't going well. She took that opportunity to open her jewelry box and offer the pieces to her grand children. Much was taken, more as keepsakes than value or likelihood of use. Your grands are very young, their brains are not yet engaged. LOL You will get very little if you melt them down, compared to the worth of your pieces. The idea that jewelry is an investment is BUNK perpetrated by the diamond industry. I would eventually write them up in a will and distribute them. They certainly are estate age but that doesn't make them more or less valuable anyway. If nothing else they will be appreciated because "grandma thought of me when she bequeathed them to me". Condolences on your loss.

    jane__ny thanked arcy_gw
  • sjerin
    last year

    Oh Jane, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I had a tiny flash of what it would feel like to be in your position, right after my sister died, and everything in me revolted at the idea. In those few seconds, I couldnt imagine getting along without him. But of course we must and do go on. You have my deepest sympathy and I hope you have lots of moral support.

    jane__ny thanked sjerin
  • Marilyn_Sue
    last year

    I am sorry about your loss. There is always a lot to do. I don't have to worry about gold jewelry, old or new.

    Sue

    jane__ny thanked Marilyn_Sue
  • jane__ny
    Original Author
    last year

    Thank you all again. It really helps to hear such kind words.

    I'm going through so much loneliness and grief trying to deal with his death. It occurred to me that I lived with him longer than my mother! I was 22 when we married and he was 38. My mother was not happy at that time, but truly loved him quickly.


    I don't know how to deal with the loneliness and constant reminders of him. I'm crying all day long, even in stores I see things he loved and I start crying. Its so hard to accept I will never see him again. He is all over my house.


    After he retired, he had the time to pursue his love of photography. My walls are full of his photos of my orchids, his roses and people. He had a special printer which printed his photos in a very large size. They are beautiful. Being in Florida, he loved photographing the water, beaches and beautiful sunsets. I can't remove them.


    His room, (a spare bedroom) he used for his photos, computers, printers, plus his piano, sheet music, speakers, all sorts of electronics. I can't go in there. I keep the door closed.


    I am heartbroken and apologize for writing all this on this forum. Its only a few weeks, but I don't know where to begin to remove him from my memory and house. It just seems so horrible.


    How do people get to a point where they can remove the things that were so much a part of a person? Our daughter wants to help me but I can't remove his things. I can't remove all the beautiful photos.


    I'm thinking of looking for help as I worry about how I feel and whether I will ever feel normal without him.

    Again, I'm so sorry to write all this but would appreciate how others have gotten over their grief and does it truly lessen over time? It doesn't feel that way to me now.


    Jane

  • Zalco/bring back Sophie!
    last year

    Jane,

    I don't have any answers. My greatest loss was my mother and it took a long time (two years) to even begin to heal. One thing worth remembering is what your beloved would want for you. Surely he would have wanted part of his legacy to be your happiness.

    This may be a good time to find some place where you can direct your energies toward helping others. That is always helpful to me. That provides a much needed change of scene, plus it is truly uplifting to help someone when you are struggling yourself.

    As for clearing out his things, I might have to wait. I would certainly not get rid of his beautiful pictures.

    Maybe you could find a therapist to just be able to speak and grieve with someone who could reassure that while it is gutting, your grief is normal and symptomatic of a great love.

    My DMs don't work here, but I would be happy to chat anytime. I am sure you will find others who have been in your shoes and they will be more helpful, but if you need an ear, please let me know and I will post my email address and phone number.

    PS There was a thread recently about meditation. That could be helpful. I will try to find that.

    jane__ny thanked Zalco/bring back Sophie!
  • lily316
    last year

    Jane, I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are grieving. Your whole life was spent with him. Please don't get rid of his photography. I think it will bring you peace in the future to look at them and see what he was seeing. It's a very rough patch of your life and I hope you will seek others who can help you.

    jane__ny thanked lily316
  • amylou321
    last year

    No need to get rid of his things. None at all. If you never want to then don't. And do not let any one pressure you into it either. In time they will bring joy and fond memories instead of such pain.

    If anything happens to my SO (barring illness or accident on my part he likely will go before me as he is almost 18 years older)and ANYONE tries to take so much as one sock of his out of my house,well, they better bring backup, a tazer and a straight jacket. They will not get it without all three.......

    My heart breaks for you right now. (Hugs)

    jane__ny thanked amylou321
  • raee_gw zone 5b-6a Ohio
    last year

    What you are feeling is absolutely normal! Grief after such a loss can be profound - allow yourself to feel it, just don't let it disable you entirely.

    You don't need to try to remove anything now, either from your home or your memory. The time will come when it comes.

    Yes, the grief does abate, faster for some, slower for others, but eventually you realize that you have a new normal and you are okay.

    I found that I really just needed to be able to talk about my loss with others who understood that need and what I was feeling - so I looked up a grief support group; I found that did give me some relief.

    My best wishes for you in this very difficult period.

    jane__ny thanked raee_gw zone 5b-6a Ohio
  • Helen
    last year

    My condolences - what you are feeling is part of the normal grieving process. My experience with grief is that very gradually it abates but it never really goes away.


    People in the US have difficulty dealing with grief of others and people want you to be okay after a week or so. You are so early on in terms of the grief process so that it will still be intense and just wash over you in overwhelming waves.


    As others have posted, the best thing to do is nothing except what absolutely needs to be done in terms of the legal issues. There is certainly no reason to get rid of anything that gives you comfort. After my mother died, my father essentially kept every bit of tchocke in the place where she had put it until he moved to an assisted living facility some years later.


    At some point, for whatever reason, you may want to start weaning through things but there is no time table to do so. You had a comfortable home when he was still alive so it is not as if the objects are dysfunctional where they are now. Perhaps at some point you can start going through stuff that is easier to deal with like clothing - thinking that others less fortunate might really make good use of stuff makes it easier for me to release things.


    I had inherited a LOT of stuff from my mother and grandmother and at first I kept everything that I could cram into my condo. Eventually I winnowed it down to objects that brought me comfort and joy when I looked at them and released the others which I had kept out of guilt and inertia. But my situation was different than yours is because I had brought stuff INTO my home versus not getting rid of stuff that I had shared with someone - if that makes sense.


    But be easy on yourself and don't feel guilty for still grieving intensely.

    jane__ny thanked Helen
  • Zalco/bring back Sophie!
    last year
    last modified: last year

    People in the US have difficulty dealing with grief of others and people want you to be okay after a week or so. You are so early on in terms of the grief process so that it will still be intense and just wash over you in overwhelming waves.

    This!!!!!!!

    jane__ny thanked Zalco/bring back Sophie!
  • Elmer J Fudd
    last year
    last modified: last year

    Very true, Helen and Zalco, if taken literally. To say " I hope you can deal with and get over the tragedy" implies more of a wish to feel better without, I think in most cases, any implied time frame.

    The other extreme isn't better. Far too many people in my experience are never able to deal with the grief of losing a loved one . It sadly can become the defining factor affecting their lives and personalities. One of my aunts lost her husband and spent the rest of her life (nearly 15 years) in mourning. She couldn't deal with it and refused to get counselling to feel better and move on. It was really sad.

    Everyone deals with it differently. It's so very personal. We all wish Jane well and hope she can find comfort with family and friends, whenever and however is best for her

    jane__ny thanked Elmer J Fudd
  • Helen
    last year

    Not to hijack but there is a psychological condition called "complicated grief" which is what your aunt went through.


    Jane is experiencing completely normal feelings. I do think that people underestimate the intensity of what grief feels like when one has lost a spouse or a child or even a sibling. At this point, Jane should not feel obligated to feel in a certain way or "get on" with things - the best people to be around when one is grieving are those who let you be and don't attempt to cheer you up but just are there to accept the full range of emotions one is experiencing.

    jane__ny thanked Helen
  • maifleur03
    last year

    Just wanted to add that people do grieve differently. People who have a loved one with a long term illness once the person that the loved passes away they have no period of emotional mourning because that mourning was done during they months and years their loved one was ill. Having cared for my husband during his dementia for 17 years while sad my period of mourning was long past.

    jane__ny thanked maifleur03
  • tozmo1
    last year

    My husband died unexpectedly at 47. A good friend who was a grief counselor for parents who had lost children, demanded I go to grief counseling. Best thing I ever did. It was a group grief counseling. I was having a bit of a pity party for myself, widow at 46, until I met a woman who was widowed at 30 with a two year old and one on the way. I met so many wonderful people there, all going through the same thing as me at all ages, 30 to 75 . It was freeing to talk to them and the guidance from the counselor was very comforting and healing.

    I highly recommend it, either an individual counselor or group counseling or both. You need this. Do it.

    Mine was through a funeral home and you didn't have to have used their services to participate. I've heard of them through religious organizations (any denomination), through the Y, or senior centers and hospitals. I encourage you to check them out and go to one. Find one that works for you. You will feel joyful and sad after every meeting. It will lift you up after sharing tears at the meetings. It's a process and a professional can guide you through it.

    Topics discussed include what do I do with their stuff and when do I do it?. It's a very personal decision but discussions about it with others going through the same thing help you decide. It took me a year to sell his truck but as my grief counselor friend told me, "Who's got the clock on you? Nobody! It's your decision and don't let anyone tell you otherwise." I used to sit in it because I could sense him there and it felt good. One day, I heard him say, "Sell the damn truck, the insurance is costing you money." And so I did.

    Twenty years later I still come across things that were his or remind me of him. As Joe Biden, a man who knows grief says, “There will come a day, I promise you, when the thought of your son, or daughter, or your wife or your husband, brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. It will happen. My prayer for you is that day will come sooner than later.”

    My heart goes out to you. It isn't easy but now when I do come across those things that were his or remind me of him, I do smile and remember the times we had together. And if it's a picture I curse him because he looks so YOUNG! 🥰

    I will see him again and you will see your husband again and we will dance with joy in heaven.

    If you're a reader, I recommend Joan Didion's "Year of Magical Thinking." A wonder memoir about the year after the death of her husband.

    You aren't going crazy, you can't do math in your head and you do have to keep lists of everything because your mind is a sieve. Welcome to the club. We can do this, you can do this. And remember, your "this" is YOUR this. Whatever your reactions are or what you're feeling, it's all good. And if anyone tells you differently, tell them to feel you pain!

    Just not too much drinking. A little okay, just don't create another problem.

    I could go on and on but I'll stop here and wish you peace and comfort in this journey.

    jane__ny thanked tozmo1
  • Pam from Fort Worth
    last year

    Oh Jane, I wish I could give you a big hug! There is no wrong or right way to do grief. Of course you are going to see him in everything and it's natural and normal to feel the way you feel. Please do find a group of other grief survivors to help you feel less alone in your grief.

    jane__ny thanked Pam from Fort Worth
  • Zalco/bring back Sophie!
    last year

    Mai, that must have been horrific for you. I am so sorry.

  • maddielee
    last year

    Jane, consider looking into the organization GriefShare. my sister-in-law has found wonderful support in her city’s branch.

    jane__ny thanked maddielee
  • bob_cville
    last year
    last modified: last year

    I only just saw this today as well. It's been 16 months since my wife suddenly died. The best advice I was given was to not make big decisions too quickly. I opened this thread because I'm starting to think about doing something with some of my wife's things and deciding it is probably time to remove my wedding ring. In truth I would have done it earlier if it were possible, but given that it will need to be cut off -- which is much more final and irreversible -- has made me reluctant to take that step.

    jane__ny thanked bob_cville
  • nicole___
    11 months ago

    Dover Jewelery takes pieces on consignment. They get a lot for old pieces. Here's a link to check them out. They are legit.

    Dover Jewelry

    jane__ny thanked nicole___
  • sjerin
    11 months ago

    How are you doing, Jane? I hope you are managing alright and have lots of support.


    Bob, there is no hurry to do those things if you aren't ready. You've been through such a trauma and I hope you too have had a lot of support. If you feel ready to deal with your wife's things, is there someone who can help you?

    jane__ny thanked sjerin
  • jemdandy
    11 months ago

    Some decisions you can put off to a later time and maybe that's appropriate in this case. At this time, you have many other pressing decisions, so shove aside the less important ones. Make a list of items you will attend to later to ease the burden of trying to remember everything at a later time. It has been my experience that people, during the time of high emotional stress such as a loss of a loved one, who made hasty decisions later though differently. You will be better prepared to handle the less pressing decisions after the grief shock has subsided.


    Don't forget that currently gold is high priced and heavy pieces have good scrap value. However, if your pieces have a desirable design, those should bring a better price than its scrap value. 24 caret gold is 100% gold. Pure gold is too soft for pieces that will be worn and must be alloyed to make a harder and more durable metal. 18 caret gold alloy contains 75% gold.

    jane__ny thanked jemdandy
  • Jasdip
    11 months ago
    last modified: 11 months ago

    Bob only you can decide when you're ready to part with her things and your wedding ring.

    I got rid of several things of hobbies right away because his brothers and a nephew were here to see him in his final days. They went home with his runners, winter boots etc. His Jean's, t-shirts, underwear (some new in pkg), socks, went to an organization that helps the homeless.

    I couldn't bear to part with his shirts though, they were such a part of him and I definitely had favourites. His sister-in-law offered to make a quilt and that's what I did with my favourite clothing items. And that was 1 1/2 years after he died.

    OTOH I have an acquaintance that has every single item of her late husband's right down to boxes of papers in his office To the point that when I took her to Costco once she waffled for 10 minutes over a frigging pkg of paper towels because she didn't know where she'd store it. And she lives in a 3-bdrm apt AND he's been gone 15 years.

    jane__ny thanked Jasdip
  • maifleur03
    11 months ago

    I agree with Jasdip do it when you are ready. Having waited may have been better as last year I cleaned out my husband's closet. Charities were so overrun with donations I was first told that my favorite one was not accepting clothing until I asked if they knew any place that wanted big men's clothing. I had years to mourn his passing even before he died and mentally had a hard time accepting the initial rejection.


    Now if I could find a place for his multi-boxes of Louis Lamour books.

    jane__ny thanked maifleur03
  • sjerin
    11 months ago

    Maifleur, will your library not accept them for resale, if that's good with you? Our libraries have book sales from time to time.

  • maifleur03
    11 months ago

    No is the simple answer. Neither system was taking any books for their Friends sale's. The libraries do not directly resale. The system that I belong to puts a selection of donated things along a wall for people to take. The difficulty is the subject matter. It romanticizes the Old West which is currently very political. No organization wants to be selling books that would in some of them treat Native Americans as the enemy of the early settlers. Not all had Native Americans as the enemy only some. Only people who would really buy them would be people who were familiar with his writings and wish to explore those regions. He was supposed to be very authentic with his landscape descriptions and if he stated something was in a location it was. I used to want to go hiking and subscribed to several hiking mags. Couple of them suggested reading his books to find out the terrain especially where to find water or natural shelter.

  • duvetcover
    11 months ago
  • Elmer J Fudd
    11 months ago
    last modified: 11 months ago

    "The difficulty is the subject matter. It romanticizes the Old West which is currently very political."

    I suspect there are more likely explanations. HIs peak was long ago, his titles are decades past their "Best By" dates.

    L'Amour started at a time when the steady stream of Western movies and Western TV shoes were popular. That's no longer the case. I also suspect another factor at work may be that few people these days are interested in collecting books. Those that do wouldn't be attracted to out of favor, old but hardly "collectible" mass market fluffy titles that were produced in large numbers.

    Friends of the Library groups know what's in demand. Unfortunately, just like people who think they can use Goodwill and the like to dispose of junk that no one needs or wants, library groups are usually not equipped to act as a waystation for books enroute to recycling or a landfill.


    It's nice that you hoped to pass them along for others to enjoy but perhaps that's not likely to happen. Try putting a Free Books note in Craigslist, Freecycle, or other similar sites. See if there's any interest. If not, your recycle bin may be your only alternative.

  • maifleur03
    11 months ago

    Irony Elmer is that these are hard bound. Our recycling requires covers to be removed. There is no just putting them in my recycling bin.

  • Zalco/bring back Sophie!
    11 months ago

    Then they go in the garbage bin, unless you just want to keep for sentamental reasons. That impulse I can understand. The need to pretend your junk is bound to be someone else's treasure, I cannot understand.

  • Elmer J Fudd
    11 months ago
    last modified: 11 months ago

    Well, maifleur, I don't consider that ironic. If they can't process books with covers, then they can't.

    if you have the time, interest, and hand strength, you could cut off the covers (be careful) with a box cutter type knife. Or even scissors, the attachment point of the pages to the cover at the spine of most books is usually just a sheet or two of paper. If not feasible or of interest to you, then it's exactly what zalco said.

  • maifleur03
    11 months ago

    Having worked in a library I have a very hard time trashing books of any kind. Damaged one no problem others it is like trashing old friends.

  • Elmer J Fudd
    11 months ago

    Sometimes things become valueless and not of use or interest to anyone. Remember the good times but they're past. What are your alternatives today?

  • bpath
    11 months ago
    last modified: 11 months ago

    Maifleur, is there a VA, American Legion. or other organization for veterans, or a senior center, near you? They might be interested in your husband's books.

  • wednesday morning
    11 months ago

    As we age, both us and our possessions become almost ilrelevant to the world. No one wants our stuff, no matter what it is, other than money.

    At least your daughter was honest with you about not wanting it.

    I advocate just selling it.

    So many things that we boomers have saved is for naught.


    jane__ny thanked wednesday morning
  • nickel_kg
    11 months ago
    last modified: 11 months ago

    maifleur, in addition to senior centers and veterans group suggested by bpath, you could look on social media. There is an active facebook group for Louis L'Amour, possibly groups and forums for Old West, etc, too. Good luck. I have about 30 old Rafael Sabatini books that I'd like to find a new "forever home" for, and he's way more out of date than L'Amour. And for 99 cents a person could buy "The Collected Works of Rafael Sabatini: 100+ Novels, Short Stories and Historical Writings" for Kindle. *sigh* not looking good....

  • bob_cville
    11 months ago

    The local recycling center here has a storage container that you can walk into with shelves, expressly for leaving books. Anyone else who goes there are free to take any of them that strike their fancy.

  • sushipup1
    11 months ago

    I buy a lot of used books on Amazon. Many of the sellers are Goodwill branches throughout the country. So I would not feel bad about dropping books off at Goodwill.

  • jane__ny
    Original Author
    11 months ago

    Thank you all so much...so many kind words and advice.

    I haven't been back because our daughter flew down to help me decide what to do with all his things. I couldn't deal with it. I feel so lost without him and still feel shocked that he is gone, I don't know how to proceed.

    We married when I was 22 and he was 38. My family was not thrilled because of the age difference. It took a while for them to accept him, but they did and loved him. I went from my mothers house to his and never lived alone. How strange that sounds today when women have made a life for themselves before getting married.

    My being Irish-Catholic marrying an older man who was also Jewish did not sit well with my family initially. Religion was never important to either of us and never presented a problem. We raised our children without any religious beliefs and let them decide for themselves when they were 18..


    The loneliness and sadness is overwhelming. I haven't returned phone calls, nor met with friends. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to answer questions about what happened. I don't want to rehash the three months of what happened to him. I don't want to relive it.


    My daughter said I should but understood what I was saying. I know keeping busy, being around people is important.


    On top of the grief, the Shingles I got in January hasn't quit. Constant pain on my scalp, my hair coming out in clumps. Then about 2 weeks ago, my vision has deteriorated. I'm trying to get an appointment with my eye doctor but the earliest he ca see me is August! I stopped driving because everything is cloudy. I have read about Shingles on your scalp can be dangerous for your eyes. I was told by my doctor, in January to watch for changes to my eyesight. , My advice to everyone, get the Shingles vaccine. This has been a horror.


    My original post had to do with jewelry. I haven't thought about it since my post and I apologize. It has certainly been put on the back burner. Just trying to get my bank accounts changed, Its amazing how many places require death certificates and how long changing everything takes. My husband thought he had everything in order in case he passed, and he did, but the paperwork and documents are endless. I haven't done everything and got the important banking things done...I hope.


    I could go on and on but I won't. I wish I were still in NY where we lived. We moved to Florida 10 yrs ago and I think it was a mistake. I lost all my friends (as did he) it has taken me so long to feel connected and I wish I were back 'home.' I feel alone now.

    My husband was involved in various things and I regret I didn't volunteer more and meet people. I'm not sure what I am going to do. I will wait a year to sort out my life.


    My eyesight has to be taken care of immediately. I can barely see what I'm typing. I apologize for any mistakes. This year has been so depressing from the beginning. I was diagnosed with Shingles on my head January 4th. I thought it was mosquitos bites that got infected (its Florida and I garden and mosquitos are numerous). Never gave Shingles a thought. I wasn't allowed in the hospital to be with my husband because I could infect newborns and those who never had Chickenpox. On top of that, Covid restricted visitation at the hospital. What a year!


    Again, thank you all for so many kind words. I just couldn't return because I didn't know where to begin.


    Thank you, thank you, so much. Your kind words and advice have helped me more than you know.


    Jane

  • loobab
    10 months ago
    last modified: 10 months ago

    Hi Jane-

    About your jewelry, please speak with your granddaughters directly to see if they are interested in your jewelry, don't take your daughter's word for it. Your daughter may not know her girls tastes as well as she thinks. Furthermore, you may spend money on a youthful-looking piece they can wear now, but they will grow out of it soon enough, and never wear again. Whereas with a vintage piece they can look at and say, this was Grandma's. If they ever saw you wear it, they will remember you ever time they wear it, and most probably someone else will remark on it's unusual or intricate or vintage appearance and they can say, "oh, I inherited it," and again they will remember you.

    No new piece will be imbued with those feelings.

    That is the way I feel about pieces I have inherited.

    So sorry about your husband!

    The hospital rule was ridiculous.

    Yes, theoretically someone with shingles could infect someone who has never had chickenpox and never been vaccinated (which includes babies), but only if those individuals came into direct contact with the fluid from your open sores. (For example, a young child sitting on your lap touching your open lesions.) Most likely, this hospital rule was more about the hospital's concerns about their medicolegal liability than about the realistic likelihood of your transmitting the herpes varicella zoster virus to a perfect stranger with whom you would be having no physical contact.


    About your eye, whether or not your ophthalmologist had an available appointment, with your documented history of scalp shingles and your ocular symptoms, you should have been started on a prescription of acyclovir or valacyclovir immediately to prevent permanent damage to the eye. Your primary care physician can prescribe this, it doesn't need to be prescribed by an ophthalmologist or optometrist, and if your primary physician didn't know this, you need a new primary care provider.

    If you have not already been prescribed this, please go to an Emergency Department asap. Yes, this is an Emergency. Eyes cannot be transplanted. Your vision can be irreversibly and permanently damaged. Urgent Care is not the place to go, they can be staffed by poorly trained individuals, and may not take the particular insurance plan you have either.


    It takes a long time to grieve.

    Take your time, and do it at your own pace and in your own way.


    But take care of your health immediately if not sooner!

    jane__ny thanked loobab
  • raee_gw zone 5b-6a Ohio
    10 months ago

    I do hope that you have been able to see an ophthalmologist since your last post, Jane.

    I am surprised you weren't gotten in immediately, with a sudden loss of vision - always considered an emergency, as loobab said.

    Have you ever seen a dermatologist about any possible further treatment for your shingles?

    jane__ny thanked raee_gw zone 5b-6a Ohio
  • jane__ny
    Original Author
    10 months ago

    Thank you all again. So much good advice and information. It does help to hear how others got through grief and were able to move on. Covid has really put a damper on getting together again and I worry about getting the Delta variant. I am fully vaccinated but considering how much weight I lost and feeling so depressed, I doubt my immune system is in a good place.


    I did see my eye doctor and he had to do a small surgical procedure. Said the problem was due to the cataract surgery I had a year ago. I had it done and my vision in that eye is restored, thank god.


    My daughter was very helpful, went through his things and organized things so they could be given away or donated. We brought most of his clothes to Salvation Army but I kept clothes that were special to him and will remind me of him. I told my daughter to take his computer back with her as her husband is good with computers. We could not run it as we didn't know his password. I kept a book of passwords for both of us but he must have changed it. His photography equipment was given to a friend of his who is also a photographer and I know my husband would be happy about that. They were good friends.


    His music and the equipment is still here but my daughter organized things and was able to put it all in a large closet out of sight.


    I am trying to find a therapist or small group. However, again Covid has made everything difficult. The numbers are very high in Florida and the hospitals are overwhelmed. Just crazy and scary.


    Thank you all so much,


    Jane

  • morz8 - Washington Coast
    10 months ago

    Jane, it sounds like things are falling into an orderly manner for you, and that's wonderful.

    Whatever works best for you is perfect, there are no rules when it comes to these things and you know what you need. How great you knew someone who would appreciate and value the photography equipment.

    I'm so pleased your vision is back to what it should be, I was worried when seeing your earlier post.

    It's not just Florida, things are not going great with new infections here on this coast either. We had never quit wearing masks, but now its mandated again. I sympathize with you trying to find a small group to join just now with the timing of all else going on. Just please keep taking care of yourself.

    jane__ny thanked morz8 - Washington Coast
  • jane__ny
    Original Author
    10 months ago

    Thank you Morz

  • jane__ny
    Original Author
    10 months ago

    amylou321, thank you for your post. You are right

    When my daughter flew down she was very sensitive to how I felt about his things. She was going through her own grief but was so worried about me. Her husbands parents died within 3 months of each other. I think she was afraid that would happen to me.

    But she slowly started to organize her fathers things. She would lock herself in his office and stay there all day. I couldn't go in and she didn't want me to.


    I told her not to throw anything out. She didn't. She put things which were personal in boxes for when I was ready to look at it. She was so kind and sensitive while she cried and grieved over the death of her father. They were so close in their love of books and history. He had so many books.


    She helped me go through his clothes and we both agreed on what had to stay. She arranged for all the other clothes to go to Salvation Army and brought them there without me. I could not be a part of any of it.


    She was wonderful helping me despite her own grief. Our son helped but was still shell shocked. She pretty much handled it all.


    All his pictures are still here and will not go anywhere. His music and electrical equipment is neatly moved to a closet with many pictures that are not hanging.


    When I saw his room after her work, it didn't look like his space anymore. It looked like a empty bedroom, which it was. His photos are still all over the wall. His desk is still there as are the bookcases. But it doesn't look like it did while he was alive.


    I'm getting used to it as a room I can go in to without falling apart.


    Bobs post reminded me that I hadn't even thought about my wedding ring. I still wear it. I still wear my engagement ring with it. I always did. I can't imagine taking them off. I guess someday, but I've worn them for 50 years and I think they will stay.


    Jane

  • loobab
    10 months ago
    last modified: 10 months ago

    Just take it day by day.

    Being fully vaccinated doesn't mean you won't contract the Delta variant.

    It just decreases greatly your chances of being hospitalized or dying from it.

    (Unless you are extremely old, infirm or immunocompromised.)

    So please keep your mask on when you go out, don't socialize except with your immediate family, (make sure they are fully vaccinated) and stay home as much as possible.

    Don't let the fact that someone tells you they have been vaccinated lull you into a false sense of security.

    Keep that mask on, and keep washing your hands, and keep your hands away from your face!

    jane__ny thanked loobab
  • AJCN
    10 months ago
    last modified: 10 months ago

    I'm very sorry for your loss. Regarding Covid, GreifShare is online and in-person, so you can choose. If you have the ability to join online, you might feel more comfortable with that. I went to GriefShare meetings online last year after my Mom passed. I did it with my sister and then we talked about it later which was helpful. It is a Judeo-Christian organization and usually the meetings are at churches, but they aren't super heavy-handed about religion which I appreciated. I found the program very helpful.

    https://www.griefshare.org/

    jane__ny thanked AJCN