DistressedWife, this husband of yours has problems and he is using you to make himself feel better about himself. That's what I think. He feels better after he has chastised you, belittled you. He wants to set the rules. I think that he needs a good kick up the arse but not by you. He's not worth a kick up the arse. I know he was your best friend and I suppose you were his best friend but now that you are married, he no longer seems to see you that way. You are his wife. He feels entitled. Well, he's wrong. But he won't know or think he's wrong. He's got a lot of growing up to do and that is his problem. Your problem is him, and a little bit you. (You need to build up your self esteem.) You have to get brave. Get yourself organised, pack your stuff, and get out to a better place. Your father's house seems like a good option. Take some control of your life and you will feel that you have some control. I wouldn't do this when he is around. Wait until he's gone out. He won't want you to have control over your life. And of course he'll want you back. He wants you as his underling. He is not fit to be your husband. Maybe one day he will be. But only he can fix himself. The longer you are away from him, the more likely he is to be motivated to do so. My de facto husband does bot believe in marriage, that's why he and I never married. He thinks that when people marry, they change. I think he is right. Life is about changing our minds. I changed my mind about ever wanting to marry my de facto. You might change your mind about never wanting a divorce. Or you might decide to stop wanting to work at your marriage when you are the only one doing so. For it takes two, to make a marriage work, and at the moment he has no intention. You can't change him but you can change you. And your predicament. All the best. And I'll be sending good vibes your way.

Nancy has it right. We are at the cottage so much that it is becoming a real chore to manage the house and Gardens here. I can only take a week or two at a time at the cottage during the winter. so we intend to buy a condo in Toronto, right in the city, in an area called Bloor West Village. We will be at the cottage from April until September, and plan to travel September/October. The condo will be home base from November to April with lots of trips to the cottage. Well that's the plan anyway but first we have to sell the house. Big change!!!!

I would like to point out that since the thread was started in 2002 I would hope the situation has come to some resolution. Either that or the OP's son is the only 25 year old still in middle school. What you should do is lie to your kid and tell him that grades are monumentally important. That's right I said lie. Grades are somewhat important, and they certainly make paying for college easier. Having said that, knowledge is way more important, I would far prefer my son get a C with complete understanding of the material than get an A with no real understanding of the material. There is a myth about college in general that most parents simply don't understand. Your incredible Ivy league schools have the small advantage of degree portability, but a degree earned from a large state school in the state where you want to work can be nearly as strong. There is a significant amount of research that shows HR directors are biased towards their alma mater, so for example if you want to work in central Ohio then Ohio State is a great choice, mostly because the HR director is statistically more likely to have graduated from Ohio State than anywhere else. The Ivy league only negate some of that. Furthermore, if your son intends to continue to graduate school then even High School performance will not be looked at. Grad schools care about entrance test scores disproportionately, all other factors pale in comparison. When we look at applicants for graduate programs the things we consider are: (1) test scores, (2) work experience, and (3) interview, undergraduate grades only sit in the background to help answer "can the student handle the rigor?". Finally, there is a LOT of research that shows good grades are not an indicator of a successful career and or a happier life. The most significant indicator for success in the work place is participation in an extracurricular sport. The fact of the matter is a B/C student with a strong social life is more likely to be successful than an A student without one. In the end, please make sure that your son/daughter understands the material (please, for the love of god, teach them some math). If they don't understand the material, especially math and english, fix that! Keep their grades as high as you can but don't sacrifice socialization for grades.

All of you ladies are so right!!! I am so thankful I found this forum, to give me the courage to do what I knew inside I needed to do. After my last post to lilysuzanne last night, I sent him a text message (he was at his mom's with is kids). It was around 2:30am... if course I couldn't sleep. The text said basically I couldn't be in this relationship with him any more & I would talk to him in the mornign when he came home. This morning, we had that conversation. I did break up with him. As bad as I hurt, I feel that much more liberated. He kept saying stuff was about his kids, but as I pointed out to him, nothing he said correlated to his children. It was all about him and his fear(s) of committment, "manning up", and DEMONSTRATING his love for me. He referenced the times less than four that he has attempted to do family oriented things with me and his children. He said his son feels uncomfortable because of tension that he feels, and felt 1 or 2 other times when we were all together and his father and I were upset with one another. I reminded him that we have NEVER argued in front of or around his children; not even when we were all the same house. He said, it was "ONE" time his son flet like we were angry with one another and it made him feel uneasy... Now, everytime I am around he (his son) gets that feeling. My answer to that was: 1. The only way to overcome negative feelings is to be consistently positive, and taling advantage of those moments when the opportunity presents itself. 2. The tension his son felt was the uneasiness that we all have being on pins & needles around each other the less than four times I have been around them. Moreover, my BF does nothing to counteract his son's excuses. 3. He knows just like I know, that if a child hears bad things from BioM for years and dad does nothing to counteract the negativity, then the child will feed off of that. He said he knew that I have never done anything to disrespect or hurt his children. His children would respect me in my presence, BUT he needs to make sure that his realtionship with his kids is guarded. He is concerned about how they "view" him. To me, that was a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Another excuse! His children will always love him. All he has to do is do what is right. We went on and on--- so much was said... but the bottom line was that I told him I just couldn't do this anymore. He agreed that I was a selfLESS person, and had given up a lot. He left the house, but called in 5 minutes trying to confuse me... but I held my ground! He said... "Everytime I think we are making progress in our relationship, and getting closer to the goal of marriage something comes up to step in the way of the plan." I know his goal was to catch me off guard and say to myself, "Self, you are moving too fast. Slow down. He was about to ask you to marry him. Give him a little longer... another chance." Luckily, I could visualize every post on this forum from last night. I almost gagged, that he thought after all we talked about that I should wait one more day to move "closer..." Is he crazy? Wait! Let me answer that... YES! He is CRAZY! 9 years is long enough. THANKS LADIES, and angelz DH (for giving me a man's POV, whiched helps me to seal the deal).