sistersunnie

Cha cha changes.....

Sister Sunnie
2 months ago
last modified: 2 months ago

So was 3 hours away babysitting for two of the grands and called my 80 year old mother to check in. I could immediately tell from her slurred speech that she‘d had a stroke. Activated our small town emergency services and friend network to be with her until we could make arrangements and get home. She’s previously been healthy(ish) and fairly independent but lives half mile from us and has big expectations for our involvement in her daily life. So now I’m told this isn’t the last that we can expect more strokes with accumulative effects. Still getting information and hopefully some management tools but obviously there’s been changes in her life and I expect mine. I’m one of three siblings but the only one locally and the caregiver of the family. We were planning a move back to the farm in a few months (30 minutes away) and she has no desire to move closer. So here I sit with an extra dog and soooo many thoughts/feelings/ fears/concerns. Sigh......

Comments (110)

  • bpath
    16 days ago

    I’m so sorry, but glad to hear hospice is there for you. I spent the last days just sitting with Mom, chatting with people who stopped in, and I know she’d have enjoyed listening in. Be good to yourself, you are doing just fine. (((( hugs ))))

  • maddielee
    16 days ago



    Good thoughts for you and your mother.

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  • daisychain Zn3b
    16 days ago
    last modified: 16 days ago

    Oh sunnie, I'm glad you are able to be with her, but am so sorry things are so hard for your family right now. Like others have said, hospice and staff are a godsend. We lost my FIL last week and we were so grateful he was moved from the isolated and cold setting of the hospital before he passed.

  • arcy_gw
    16 days ago

    Life changes quickly. Time to Pivot. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

  • bbstx
    16 days ago

    Sunnie, bless your heart.

  • jojoco
    16 days ago
    last modified: 16 days ago

    sending hugs and wishing you peace during this time.

  • Allison0704
    16 days ago

    Hugs, Sunnie. Went through hospice with my mother. It's an emotional, draining journey.

  • Annie Deighnaugh
    16 days ago

    Sending thoughts of strength, courage and comfort in this most difficult time.

  • IdaClaire
    16 days ago

    Thinking of you and your dear mom, Sunnie.

  • Sister Sunnie
    Original Author
    16 days ago

    Started today with an ambulance ride to the residential Hospice Facility. Pivoting indeed.

  • Jinx
    16 days ago

    Wish I could give you real hugs. 😔

  • gsciencechick
    16 days ago

    Thinking of you , Sunnie.

  • rubyclaire
    16 days ago

    This is so hard - hang in there Sunnie and be sure to take good care of yourself. Thinking of both you and your mom in this most difficult journey. When I was going through something similar with my mom a few years ago, I read somewhere that this journey is the last lesson on love our parents give us. Somehow that helped just a little when I needed it.

  • Bestyears
    15 days ago

    ((((((Hugs)))))

  • bpath
    15 days ago

    That ride is at once devastating and a relief. Lots of love and hugs from all of us, so many of whom have been in your shoes or will be.

  • Tina Marie
    15 days ago

    Thinking of you Sunnie. So glad you are having a positive experience with hospice. They were a godsend for us! 🙏🏻

  • artemis_ma
    15 days ago

    Sister Sunnie... sending you and yours warm thoughts and virtual hugs.

  • l pinkmountain
    15 days ago

    So sorry about that. Sometimes with an elder, a lesser crisis is a symptom of a bigger one. My aunt got an advanced cancer diagnosis after a fall and hip fracture. The weak bones were because lung cancer had spread to them. One day at a time is all we can do. Praying for you during this tough time. I know its hard to remember sometimes, but there are folks out there who care. HUG.

  • Sister Sunnie
    Original Author
    15 days ago

    Got several calls yesterday, she is so angry and agitated. Frankly mean. My mother has always had a strong personality but I hadn’t seen the anger during this illness. The nurses act as if this is not unusual. Uncharted waters for me.

  • Trailrunner
    15 days ago

    I am sending strength to you during this difficult time for both you and your Mother. I took care of each of my parents as well as my brother’s MIL and our son at the end of their lives. There are so many extenuating circumstances that are out of our control and beyond our understanding. Uncharted waters indeed. May you and your Mother find peace in this journey. c

  • bpath
    15 days ago

    The nurses have seen it all, we have not. I learned so much from my mother’s aides and nurses, at home, in her memory care, and from hospice when they came in. It was actually comforting to me to know more, and when something new-to-me came up, I had an inkling of how to feel about it.

  • l pinkmountain
    15 days ago
    last modified: 15 days ago

    I think a lot of us here can relate to the anger thing, even if our parents aren't terminal. Folks come here to discuss all the ideas and travel and projects and family dynamics they are living with, which means we are all active, involved "go getters" and a lot of us have extended social networks too. That was my father's family, and I have seen his two sisters and older brothers struggle with anger and frustration over the ravages of old age on their body and mobility at the end of their lives. As my Dad likes to say, "It's hard for a racehorse to go out to pasture." Actually I'm not sure if that is true for horses but true for some humans. The secret is somehow finding peace and comfort in what you do have and not all that you have lost. Not a common trait . . . Obviously if your Mom is having to adjust to having a terminal illness, she has to go through those stages towards acceptance, and if I'm not mistaken, anger is a major one of them. And totally justified!

    At the funeral of a great friend and immense go-getter talented builder and "doer," who died after a long battle with devastating cancer, his son touched on this struggle for his dad in his eulogy. He recalled how when he visited his dad, his dad remarked how he felt so useless, all through his life he always had a job to do. His son advised him to realize that fighting cancer (win or lose) was a job, a darn tough one, actually the toughest one.

    My dad isn't even dying although he likens his life to sitting around waiting for the bus of death to pull up. I try to remind him what a good job he is doing making the best of it, and praise him for accomplishments of lowered expectations. He rolls his eyes . . . I doubt he will ever come to acceptance, and I dread it when he is in his final losing battle with the grim reaper. But we must accept that too, some folks will just go down fighting, that is their nature.

  • Sandplum1
    13 days ago

    You're in my thoughts and praying for strength, peace, and understanding.


    Carol

  • jill302
    13 days ago

    Hugs to you, so sorry that you are having to deal with this. We went through hospice with my mom last year, and have been going down the progressive stroke road with my FIL for 6 years. My mom was so unhealthy she slept through most of her hospice and was no problem for the nurses. My FIL has good days and bad days, he can get nasty on the bad days. Good days he is very easy going.

  • raee_gw zone 5b-6a Ohio
    13 days ago

    Do take advantage of the support that hospice offers to you - the advice, the listening ear - the social worker and chaplain are there for you as well as your mother. This is a multi-stage transition time (yes, with anger a part of it), a grieving time, but can also be a time to reach a peaceful place.

  • Bestyears
    13 days ago

    I found myself mortified by some of the anger and hostility my mom showed toward her caregivers. They seemed to take it in such stride -just didn't take it personally somehow, which just astounded me.

  • carolb_w_fl_coastal_9b
    13 days ago

    So sorry to see this and know it must be hard. I'm certain you're doing your best. Wishing you solace and peace.

    P.S. I've been the one my mom takes out all her frustration and anger on. She's not as agitated as she was last year when she had to be in the hospital and rehab twice - second time just as lockdown was ordered. She's a lot calmer and even tempered now. She's someone who has been used to being the boss for most of her life, so having to depend on others has never been easy for her. I think some of that anger is beyond her control too, since dementia can impair self regulation.

  • DLM2000-GW
    12 days ago

    Those end of life behavior changes are so painful to witness but as mentioned, nurses have seen it all. I hope your hospice team can help you through this time.

  • Sister Sunnie
    Original Author
    10 days ago

    And the award goes to..... just washed a depend in a load of clothes. What a mess!! Who knew there were so many gel beads in one undergarment

  • Trailrunner
    10 days ago

    Oh... yes who knew. Sister Sunnie my heart goes out to you and your Mom on this strange and fraught journey. c

  • Sister Sunnie
    Original Author
    2 days ago
    last modified: 2 days ago

    Holding my hand and surrounded by her people,dog and home, the bigger than life, little woman fought her way out of here last night. As her granddaughter said ”Elvis has left the building”

  • Trailrunner
    2 days ago

    I’m sorry . Your Momma sounds like an amazing woman. she leaves a powerful legacy for you and her family. c

  • Jinx
    2 days ago

    My deepest condolences, Sister Sunnie. What an amazing lady. It had to be very comforting for her to feel the love you all surrounded her with as she went onto her next journey. ❤️

    I’m so sorry, I know it hurts. 😔

  • l pinkmountain
    2 days ago

    So sorry SS. What a harrowing couple of months for you. BIG HUG!

  • maddielee
    2 days ago

    I’m sorry.

  • jojoco
    2 days ago

    My condolences to you and your familymilt, SS

  • IdaClaire
    2 days ago

    Big hugs to you. I am so very, very sorry and hope you will find a tremendous amount of comfort all around you.

  • woodrose
    2 days ago

    I'm so sorry, dear. My deepest sympathy to you, and everyone who loved her.

  • DLM2000-GW
    2 days ago

    Since we all face an end to life, I can't imagine anything more comforting than having my loved ones around me, holding my hand literally and figuratively at that time. No doubt, her memory will be a blessing.

  • bpath
    2 days ago

    I’m so sorry, Sunnie. Holding hands, it was the same with my mama. That moment . . .

  • Tina Marie
    2 days ago

    I am so sorry Sunnie. 🥲 Like you, i was blessed to be with my mom at the end. I”m so glad you were there. My thoughts and prayers are with you. it is so hard!

  • Zalco/bring back Sophie!
    2 days ago

    I am so sorry for your loss, Sister Sunnie. What a tremendous comfort you must have been to your mother.

  • hcbm
    2 days ago

    I am very sorry. May the pain of loss lessen with time and the loving memories of your mom get stronger.

  • Allison0704
    2 days ago

    I am so sorry, Sister Sunnie.

  • mtnrdredux_gw
    2 days ago

    I'm so sorry, Sister Sunnie. We all should all be so lucky to live long full lives that end with the people we loved most.

  • Annie Deighnaugh
    2 days ago

    I'm so sorry Sister Sunnie. Sending you thoughts of strength and comfort in this most difficult time.

  • Springroz
    yesterday

    I was so sorry to read this earlier…..

  • lizbeth-gardener
    yesterday

    I'm so sorry, Sister Sunnie. It's comforting to know you were there with her these last two months and you and your family could be with her as she left this earthly life.

  • Bestyears
    yesterday

    It’s so beautiful that you could be there, and I can tell from your writing that you felt the beauty of such a moment. Somehow, even when we know death is imminent, the loss feels sufden and more than we expected. ((((((hugs)))))

  • deegw
    yesterday

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry for your loss.