Do you k now a bully?

sal 60 Hanzlik

I had a neighbor that I would say was one or else a very nosey person. So glad I moved away.

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socks

That must have hurt your feelings.

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wildchild2x2

Yes. Bullies exist everywhere. Some are worse than others. Years back I had neighbors from hell that were bullies. It actually escalated to a very dangerous situation. Fortunately the way they chose to escalate gave me the opening needed to nip the problem in the bud. Stupid people underestimated me. LOL They moved, we're still here. New neighbors in that house and their cohort's house (bullies like to have a sidekick LOL) house are great. I love my neighborhood. It's an international melting pot and everyone gets alone and is friendly.

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adellabedella_usa

Oh yes. I know a few.

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Elmer J Fudd

I've encountered unreasonable people who were hard to deal with from time to time but not bullies, per se.

My former next-door neighbor was a loudmouthed obnoxious boor. No one liked him or would give him the time of day but he couldn't be completely avoided. Some neighbors who belonged to the same golf club as he did told me once that while he hung around their club a lot. no one liked him there either and people would avoid him.

One day, I saw a "for sale" sign in front of his house. That evening, I called him - no answer. The house was dark. It was dark subsequent evenings too. As I encountered folks outside from other nearby houses, I'd ask if they knew if the couple had left. It gradually became known that yes, they'd left town, having said Goodbye to no one in the neighborhood. They'd lived here 25 years and had been here before we moved in! No surprise that and no one misses them. The guy's wife was pretty nice, not sure why she put up with such a lout.

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Lars

I can't think of any, unless you count my father, who died in 2012.

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maifleur03

Yes but most only bullied their families and acted like the creator placed them on this earth as a substitute.

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Judy Good

Yes I do! In childhood and adulthood. I can deal with them as an adult, but as a child it was brutal.


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Rusty

Not personally now. I have encountered them occasionally in the fairly distant past. I think all online social sites are apt to have a bully or two, I just tend to ignore them.

Rusty

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Annegriet

In childhood through college--yes--I encountered many. As an adult, yes--I know some but they no longer have any power over me. I do my own thing.

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nickel_kg

Same as Rusty.

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amylou321

Not any personally now. But 15 or so years ago I was employed at a place that was full of hateful hags who found it fun to attempt to bully myself and one other girl. It was ruthless and never ending. She was very sensitive to it. I have always felt superior to bullies in the strangest way. I noticed some things:

Those who made fun of us for being "skinny" were morbidly obese and forever on a failing diet. We were not skinny. We were a normal weight.

Those who made fun of our "stringy cave hair" had stringy asian or south american hair sewn into their heads in a desperate attempt to hide their actual hair which they hated with a passion.

Those who made fun of us for being prudish in their eyes for basically not being promiscuous, had numerous children by numerous partners, but no spouse, either former or current.

Those who made fun of me for living with my parents (just me, the other girl did not) lived with 5 or 6 other people in a small apartment while driving cars with fancy paint jobs and ridiculous rims and loud obnoxious sound systems.

In other words, most bullies attack what they want and don't have. Or what they want to be and are not. Or have such insecurities they feel the need to belittle others or inflate themselves to feel better about whatever shortcomings they feel they have. And the worst part is that they usually do not realize it. They just bully. They are NOT to be pitied IMO.

I did not encounter bullying growing up. But I saw what damage it could do. I went to a private Catholic School K-12. I graduated high school with the same people I started school with, give or take a few here or there. Bullying just wasn't a thing. I remember one year a boy named Tyler started school there. He was very very overweight. No one bullied him there. It was not tolerated on any level, but for the most part I just don't think it occurred to anyone to bully anyone. What's the point? On the contrary, everyone on our class tried to befriend him, to include him in playtime or partner him on a project. He clearly had been so damaged by previous bullying experiences that he was afraid to let anyone in. He was resistant to any sort of offer of friendship, so eventually we just let him be. He left that school the next year. I still think of him from time to time and get sad. I hope he is doing well now.

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Annegriet

I find work is very "clique-y" but not necessarily bullies. I am not in the cool crowd. I don't get invited to the cool happy hours and often eat alone. I don't care. I do have friends. People are generally nice as in hello, etc. I have a few friends at work that I really like but I'm not interested in going out with the people who are not my close friends. I am more into the quality of friends than the quantity.

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functionthenlook

Wow, I haven't come across a bully personally since Jr High. Some short little girl barely 5 ft tall for some reason unknown to me wanted to fight me. My friends and I sat at the lunch table behind her and her friends. She was one of those tough scrappy girls and I guess she wanted to showboat in front of her friends. I never was in a fight and never had any intentions to be. I'm 5-9 and at the time athletic and strong. I did not want to hurt her or anybody. Well this went on for weeks her wanting to fight me, so finally I had enough and called her out . I named the day, time and place and she backed down fast and never bothered me again.

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Zalco/bring back Sophie!

My aunt is married to a genuine bully. He is narcissistic and demands his family follow his ever whim. He dominates every conversation and skulks away if he is challenged. He changes plans at the last minute, and insists everyone cheerfully get onboard with his agenda.

Being around them is quite uncomfortable as his behavior and their response to it, total acquiescence, is far outside of everyday norms in our culture.

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Elizabeth

I haven't encountered a real bully since grade school. I remember her so clearly. She had a little posse of three younger girls who tagged after her and admired her behavior. She began with name calling. When I went home and told that story I was told not to fight with her. She was from a very prominent family in town and I was not to make trouble. As my family was involved in business also, they wanted no embarrassment. She escalated to shoving and punching me. On the last day, she was holding me by the throat and banging my head in the wall. I noticed she was wearing a gold cross on a chain. It was at my eye level as she was taller than me. I was thinking how un-Christian she was. I managed to reach up and grab it and tore it off her neck and threw it across the room, in pieces. She let go of me and began shrieking, kneeling on the floor picking up the pieces. I ran away, fully expecting to be in "big trouble". Every time the phone rang at home I jumped thinking it was the Principal or the bully's parents. Nothing happened. She left me alone after that.

As an adult I have sometimes heard a bullying tone in other's voices. I ignore them and whatever their demand is.

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Michele

When I was small I was bullied by my 10 and eight year older sister and brother, along with my five year older (boy) cousin who lived downstairs. His younger sister was also a target. Horrible for the two of us. Cause of great fun for them. I still don’t understand why this was allowed to go on. My mother’s response was always to not bother her with these problems. Stop being a crybaby. It finally ended when my aunt and uncle moved when I had just turned 7. By that time my siblings were more interested in friends and basically ignored me. Finally.

It never happened on Sundays. That was my father’s day off.

My sister, to this day, although I love her, is cold.

My MIL is a kind of head case as well.



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Elizabeth

In my generation, parents did not take bullying seriously. You had to fight your own battles. When I became an adult I was quite capable of firing back with a, "Who the *bleep* do you think you are talking to? " attitude. Right in their face. It's been a long, long time since I had to pull that tool out. I sure hope no-one bullies me as an old lady. It will not be pretty.

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nicole___

They tried raising my housing developments HOA fee......and the bullies came out in droves. They accused the HOA of mismanagement of money. One guy quit. Another went on a 2 month vacation to a coastal town. The HOA is "not" doing anything they shouldn't be doing. I say "that" whenever I get the chance. One lady had a note left on her front porch signed "anonymous" calling out the vice president of the HOA asking for an accounting of reserve money, sounding acusatory. Ladies with a chip on their shoulder and an agenda to start trouble went around, spreading false rumors, no facts or investigation to back up anything they were saying....and got 135 people to sign a petition to revote to not raise HOA fees. I've never been in the midst of so much "anger" and misplaced hate.

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Kathsgrdn

Yes, many, unfortunately. Not just towards me but other people.

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Zalco/bring back Sophie!

{{{{{{ Michele}}}}}}} Those were different days. I don't think our parents ever considered intervening in such dynamics, though obviously your beloved father was a huge deterrent.

When I was little my cousin would tease me constantly, and I would get incredibly upset. My mother would get angry at me, not my cousin.

Nicole's post reminded me, I have known a lot of bullies actually. Predators willing to do anything to get their way have crossed my path a few times.

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Annegriet

We were taught to stand up to bullies especially if it was a physical altercation. We were not allowed to ever throw the first punch. However, if we were hit, we were expected by our parents to defend ourselves. I was told that I may get my a$$ handed to me in a fight but we were to go down fighting. I understand the zero tolerance policy in schools but would want my kid to defend himself and take his/her punishment.

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adellabedella_usa

It's not physical fist fighting bullies that I see these days. It's the manipulative, go behind your back type. I've seen it more often it is women than men. I've seen men do it too.

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marilyn_c

I don't recall ever having been bullied, but I have known 2 women that were very pushy, and that was incredibly annoying. I cut both of them out of my life....I should have done it sooner.

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SEA SEA

MIL and SIL are both mean, cruel, horrible bullies. The rest of us in the world are always in the wrong and worthy of their bizarre wrath. SIL learned from her mother, my MIL. After the patience of the universe on my end had been exhausted by them I finally cut them both out of my life. Took several decades to exhaust my kindness, compassion and forgiveness to the point of no return, but they did it.

After much self examination, I realized what my contribution to this was. I didn't cut them out in the beginning. I put up with too much for the sake of 'family'. Being easygoing was to my detriment too. I was taught that when people are mean and cruel, they have pain in them that spills out onto others. Instead of mirroring their behavior back to them, treat them with kindness and keep being your positive and best self--keeping being you. And pray for them.

Well, that turned out to be terrible advise and caused me many years of dreading being around them and their behavior. If I could go back in time and do it over again, I would have told them to shove it and don't come back sooner.

The silver lining here is that in trying to find out the why's to their personalities, I studied sociopathy and narcism inside and out. Chilling area of study, but there it all was in print, written by Ph.d authors--my life with my MIL and SIL. Scary stuff. I also learned why my dh suffers with detachment and was never keen on keeping in touch with his immediate family unit. Apparently this was his way of dealing with their cruelty. So yes, I have known a bully.

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sjerin

I don't think I've ever known a bully. With someone more aggressive, I find it helps to play a little dumb.

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Zalco/bring back Sophie!

SEA SEA, my husband's family are as charming as your husband's. My mother warned me to not attempt any appeasement. She said that would lead to a spiral of misery for me. I am ever so glad I followed her advice. It sounded harsh at the time, and I honestly tried to be "nice" a few times, but I saw where those attempts led, more demands on their part, no reciprocity whatsoever.

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SEA SEA

Thanks for sharing Zalco. I'm glad you were given sound advise going in from your mother. Saved you a lot of heartache.

I suspect that had I been older during the indoctrination period, I would have either jumped ship or set solid boundaries early on. Yes, appeasement got me nothing but more grief. Your mother was wise. Sorry you married into that too.

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Lukki Irish

Wow...no pics up by the time I got to the thread, so I guess flagging helped. If it was an unauthorized pic of a poster that is not just bullying, that’s someone who really needs to take a serious look at their behavior and get help.


I think there is a big difference between a bully and someone who just has a stronger personaility or is not afraid to assert themselves. I’ve had a husband, bosses and even coworkers who were bullies.. The ex was violent, the others were just mean spirited people who did not care about anyone but themselves. I used to put up with it because I had to, but not anymore. The best part about working from home is not having to deal with the bullies, the cliques and the office politics. I just don’t have the tolerance for the ugly BS anymore.

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greenshoekitty

yes I do, and he is a very big bully.

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wildchild2x2

SEA SEA (and others who may be confused) Someone posted an old picture of me. It appears to date back to a time when I was dealing with real life bullies. The picture was taken without my knowledge by this person or persons known to them. They decided to post it on this thread about bullying and attempt to denigrate my character stating that the picture was of a bully. I guess seeing my face online tagged as a bully was supposed to rattle me. It didn't work. There was nothing outstanding about the the pic. It was taken through a window. I am trying to determine where. Once I confirm I will know. But that is for me to deal with, not some online social media group. I suspect it was a sociopath from the distant past who saw an opportunity and struck as narcissists often do.

Thank you to Houzz for removing the inflammatory content.

I do find it a bit humorous that a thread about bullying brought out a few bullies and they seem to not recognize themselves. But it's all good. I plan to enjoy the wonderful weather we have here this weekend.


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wednesday morning

Oh my, Elmer. I currently have a neighbor who is a true challenge to deal with, much like yours was.

Now, he is not only a horrible and hateful and vindictive man, but he has voiced that he thinks it better that we did not exist! Just a hair shy of a physical threat!

Now, he is politically motivated to be a real thorn in our side with his passive aggressive and harassing behavior.

I have always tried to avoid him as much as possible all of these two decades that he has lived next door. Up until these political times, he was mildly amusing and drunk much of the time while his wife supported him.

For years we have tried to maintain a civil relationship with him and tried to keep conversation cvil and non political. I knew his political leaning but never chose to engage him or challenge him. I just let his hateful rhetoric slide away. But, as of these last few years it is as if his inner demons have just run rampant in his deranged head and he is a real concern and a threat.

He appears to have joined one of these groups that expresses hate and he comes and goes in his camouflage that he never wore before.

He is sober now, but he was more tolerable when he was drunk. He once told us that he was going to shoot his son in the head if he discovered that he was not hetrosexual. Several of us on the street heard him say that. Yeah, that is the sweetheart that he is! He did not do that and his son certainly appears to be firmly not heterosexual. I think his wife keeps him in check, to a degree.

It is very uncomfortable having him next door, very uncomfortable. His hatred is real and nasty and threatening. He is one of those angry people who can't escape himself because his hate is rooted in his own vision of himself and his failings.. That is what I have determined after all of these years of dealing with him. He can't escape himself but he can blame the rest of the world and dish out hate and anger.

Just an awful person!

Husband views him as a bully who makes threats but is too cowardly to do anything.

WE are just a couple of senior citizens trying to get by and stay in our home for as long as we can. He is one good reason that I am ready to move away, which is an idea that is coming as we are getting older and life is getting harder. I just want to greet the morning without wondering what meanace he is planning on unleashing this day. A constant thorn in my side, for sure, as well as a real physical threat..

I have never experienced such dislike and distrust of anyone on such a personal basis as this, ever in my life. He has earned it over these years. This is not some snap judgement.


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Elmer J Fudd

Sorry you have to deal with such unpleasantness.

You reminded me of an incident with my charming neighbor.

One Saturday morning, loudmouth John called me and said "Did you know you have a * ing problem"

Me- "No, what kind of problem?"

J-"Come out and meet me at our property line at the street"

M-"I'm doing something right now"

J-"See you in a minute, you have a * ing problem and you probably need to do something now"

I go out, meet him at the property line. He says "Follow me" and leads me into the undergrowth.

There, about 20 feet in and perhaps 20 feet in from the property line (on his side) is a large wet patch of ground.

J-"You have a * ing water leak and it's causing me a problem"

M-"Why do you say I have a leak"

J-"Because you obviously have a busted pipe. You need to call a plumber right now and get this * ing thing fixed.

I thought for a second and said

"Know what? The nearest underground water pipe I have is about 75 feet away, it's over there and slightly downhill from here. This isn't my leak, it's yours". I turned to walk away

J- "So what the * are you going to do about your problem?"

M-"I'm not going to do anything. It's not my problem. Good luck"

I continued back home and heard nothing further about it.

This guy too had a drinking problem. I don't think that was the cause of this encounter, it was still early in the day. But maybe. He wasn't necessarily a redneck type (those are rare around here), he was a retired lawyer. Maybe because of or despite that, he had no class or manners at all.

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arcy_gw

It really bother's me that adults are asking other adults this question. Bullies persist because no one calls them out. If there is one in your life you need to be the grown up and shut them down!!!

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wednesday morning

Elmer, that was a great story.


My neighbor once pounded on my door yelling at me that my cats had scratched up his old beat up pick up truck while trying to get into the open window of the cab.

First off, the cats dont need to crawl up. The can leap easily into an opened car window.

Secondly, what is most likely is a raccoon who was trying to claw it's way up the door and through the open window to get to all of the empty beer cans and burger boxes that he had piled up in there.

This dip wad shoots or traps every living critter that dares to step into his suburban yard. He stands out there with a pellet gun and picks off every squirrel , bird or chip Munk that he sees. He traps the larger ones and once told me that takes them out and turns them loose.

He laments that he can't shoot the deer that come in. This is a suburban neighborhood and is densely populated.

I just can't find anything about him that is redeeming. He is like a turd in the punchbowl every day.

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gardengal48 (PNW Z8/9)

"If there is one in your life you need to be the grown up and shut them down!!!"

All very well and good in theory but there are some bullies that the more you confront them, the more malicious and bullying they become. Witness current events taking place in the nation's capital. Like online trolls, bullies need a confrontation to feed off of and usually interacting with them at all will produce unpleasant results. Best just to avoid them and move on. Without the interaction, there is nothing to sustain their bullying behavior.

amylou pretty much nailed it: "In other words, most bullies attack what they want and don't have. Or what they want to be and are not. Or have such insecurities they feel the need to belittle others or inflate themselves to feel better about whatever shortcomings they feel they have. And the worst part is that they usually do not realize it. They just bully. They are NOT to be pitied IMO."

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Elmer J Fudd

What really needs to be shut down is how pervasive pseudo-macho and as if testosterone-fueled language and conduct has become in the past few years. It's disgusting. We've all seen the damage done and we all need to work on restoring civility to civil society.

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