Personal crisis

lynndale

I am 65 and my partner, who I have lived with for 3 years, is 67. A week ago he told me that he needed space so that he can figure out if he would be happier living alone. He went on to say that I have done nothing wrong and listed many positive traits he sees in me. He said that he does love me. He has done this in past relationships. He says that he is the problem and needs to figure this out. He lacks empathy when I am tearful. When I see him, it breaks my heart because I just whatnot hug him and ask why we can’t fix this. So, on Sunday I asked him to go somewhere away from me to figure it out And he did.

I was widowed before I met him and had a very tough grieving period. I can’t stand another heartbreak.

if we break up, and I am fairly confident it is going that way, my whole life will be turned upside down...again. I live in his house, and have put my heart into making it our home.

I know what I am looking for from this group. I just feel so confused.

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Zalco/bring back Sophie!

What a terrible ordeal. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no particular advice or expertise in relationship matters. My heart breaks for you. This is a particularly terrible time to be facing such a trial, considering social distancing, quarantines, etc.

Online friendships can be most helpful. At a minimum, this is a fine place to find some distraction.

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mdln

Couples counseling, or individual counseling if he is unwilling. Many therapists are doing telemedicine visits. Good luck.

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Olychick

I'm so sorry. Losing a relationship that you don't want to lose is heartbreaking, but I am concerned about what losing your home will mean for you. Be sure to protect yourself as much as you can regarding that and any money or property you have co-mingled. Please don't lose more than you must if there is a break-up.

It sounds like he cares for you and doesn't want to cause more harm or pain than he already is, but take care of YOU and your future.

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FinallyHome

Is staying at home together all day due to Covid the problem? Are both of you retired?

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arcy_gw

The tale is "he's done this before". Has he ever been married? You are fighting an up hill battle. This is his pattern, and you aren't going to break it with counseling or patience or what ever acrobats he claims he needs. Move on you need the process of healing to begin, sooner vs later.. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I am sorry.

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laceyvail 6A, WV

I do know two "couples" who adore one another but absolutely do not want to live together. Everone knows they are couples, they take care of one another when one is sick or needs help, etc. Could your relationship manage that? It's certainly not traditional, but if it works for people.....

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Annie Deighnaugh

I am so sorry you are going through this. Do whatever you have to to take care of yourself, not just financially, but emotionally as well. If he won't go to counseling, and it sounds like he won't, then you should look into it for yourself as heart ache pain can be as bad as physical pain.

We're always here to listen so let us know how you're doing...just expressing what you're going through in a safe space can be healing by itself.

Sending you thoughts of healing and comfort, courage and strength as you face into this most difficult time. hugs

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sal 60 Hanzlik

I think you are afraid of grieving again but I don't think you will, maybe miss him for awhile. With his history be glad it was only 3 years. If you do not have a pet I would consider getting one--unconditional love and lots of company. You will survive this

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orchidrain_still

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Relationship break-ups can be very hard. It seems that he really does need to figure things out and as much as we would like to fix people, we can't. That is their work to do.

It looks like you will be needing to find your own place and hope you can financially. Get yourself settled...it will be one thing that you have control of at this point. That, in itself, will make you feel strong. Remember, you are strong. You went through your grieving process when your husband passed and you will get through this, albeit a different type of grief.

My prayers are going out to you to help get you through this. Please keep us updated. We are with you, sister.


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Lucille

I don't think that he needs to 'figure this out'. I think he has made his choice. I am sorry you have to go through this.

For now I would focus on practical matters- finding a new place to live. Perhaps getting the advice of an attorney if you have spent significant funds of your own making this house a home, or if there is a commingling of funds so you can trace what might be yours. And, whether there might be a common law marriage. If that has happened you might need legal advice, as there is no such thing as a common law divorce.

This is a wonderful and supportive group, and a good place to share your feelings.

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Ded tired

Wish I had some wise advice for you. All I can say is I know how it feels to suffer heartbreak, to have your life upended when you thought your life was mostly in order. All good advice above, from others. Unfortunately sometimes the only way out is through. Try to remember that you WILL be okay again one day.


Yes, do come back here to talk. It has helped me many times . Lots of wisdom and life experience here.

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Michele

I’m sorry. As if this past year hasn’t been rough enough. It’s just my opinion, but treat yourself well. The mind, body and spirit are connected. Take care of practicalities first. A place, finances etc. Then take care of you. It’s a heartbreaking thing. You see from all the supportive comments made here, people can be very kind and caring.

Relationships. They are the source of such happiness in our lives, and the exact opposite.

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wednesday morning

You might be happier living your own life, too. If he distances himself from you, that is a red flag in relationships. It may not the first time he has responded this way to another person in his life.

He may be doing you a favor by leaving now.

You just. might find peace elsewhere, as well.

Break up problems at this age!? I am in the same age group and I can hardly think about ever entering another reationship when/and/if I find my self alone. I would never expect to have enough history or life with another at this stage to make it serious. By this time, you both bring such baggage to the table with you. I suggest that you look for friends and not lovers at this age. Keep your women friends close. That is where the real value comes, in having friends.

This is likely to not be the first relationship that he has left. He may never have intended to stay. That is a big commitment to make to someone that you are not bonded to through time and life experience.

You would need for the both of you to leave all of your baggage at the door and set out together, independent of the previous life of either of you, But you were living in his house. You did not have a neutral home base. You moved in on his life, in his home. At our age we have a lot more history than we do future. That history weights heavy but there is not much future to build with.

Look for friends, not commitment to lovers. My advice.

I saw an article this morning about a documentary movie that has been made about people living in the Villages in Florida. Apparently there are a lot of old boomers looking for love and, being the Peter Pans that we are, spreading more than just happiness in having relationships.

I, for one boomer, am happy to have behind me the need to be sexually attractive by anyones standards. Apparently, boomers in the Villages are still not going to grow up! They are/were hanging out at the bars in town, wearing their tropical shirts and off the shoulder tops and doing that little mating dance to signal that their viagra has kicked in or a need to be sexually validated.

Also drug use is rampant in that part of Florida. Boomers are behaving as if they are errant teens.

Look for friends, not lovers, and you may find a large reward in living your own life. If you find a lover, let it be just that and not a commitment. Dont set yourself up for disappointment again. We dont' have enough time left to live it in disappointment or sadness.

You know, since you asked.

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marilyn_c

I agree with Arcy and Lucille. It may be cynical of me, but I smell a rat. I would bet he has found another woman and he wants to check that out. Maybe his age and approaching mortality has him wanting to be a player once again.

I would agree...take care of yourself. But I would move on. Don't take him back on a silver plate. I would never trust him again.

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Elizabeth

I am so sorry your are going though this rough patch. It is trite to say, but true, it will get better. It is hard to think with a clear head at times like this. I noticed that you said you live in his house. As difficult as it may be it is probably time you moved out and sought legal advice. As you were not married, community property laws will not apply. You could have your attorney examine the finances and see what property or debt legally belongs to you and be assertive in acting upon that. I know it is difficult to go about such hard-nosed business at this time but is is best in the long run.

Best wishes. Please keep us updated.

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Yayagal

If he's done this before then you can't be a victim, you need to work on not letting it happen again. You feel awful and I'm sad to hear that but, in reality, you need to be strong.

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pudgeder

Nothing to add, but be good to yourself!

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lynndale

Thanks to all of you who responded so kindly. I’m not sure how to post on each answer... trying to figure that out. Here is the complicating factor. I live in the DFW area and have a many friends and 2 adult sons in the area. My 90 year old mother lives in WV and will reach the point where she needs someone to live with her. Rents in DFW are high, and I can manage it, but hate to use my resources that way. But, I am not ready to live with my mother. I love her, but she is a very negative person who relishes telling her many sad stories. Also, I hate the area she lives in.

I feel homeless and don’t know which way to go.

I have been through another difficult breakup so I know that I’ll be ok. But, this is so hard.

And... he had already told me that “if we break up”, he will reimburse me for money I have spent on the house.

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lettersatoz

I rarely post here (if I even ever have?!) ....mostly a lurker who stops by daily for the (can't miss) smile and trivia questions of the day - and now the brain teasers -- on my way to a few of the home improvement boards, but this post caught my eye and I had to chime in, particularly when I read, "my whole life will be turned upside down..."

No, it will not. You have gone through the loss of a spouse and who knows what other adversities. You will get through this, too. You have already proven yourself resilient by being able to take on some of life's worst challenges and somehow finding happiness again. It doesn't matter how long that took. What it taught you is that you are capable. That hasn't gone anywhere -- summon up that strength, even if you have temporarily packed it away, and do what you gotta do. This too shall pass.

I'm hoping you aren't financially dependent on him (where were you living previously?), but if you are, the humane thing for him to do would be to refrain from sending you out into the world to set yourself up in a new place (and all that entails) in the middle of a pandemic, so in my opinion if HE wants to split, HE should be the one to find somewhere else to stay until you're vaccinated and able to take safe steps for yourself, whatever that looks like.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but please remember, you WILL get through it. As I look back on all of my challenging times, in hindsight it seems like the universe was clearing a path for something better ahead. Wishing you all better things ahead.

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ladypat1

when they say " its not you, its me", believe them. It is rough, but some people can't keep relationships, and you will be miserable trying to make it work. Don't mean to sound heartless, but less hurt in the long run. I say this from experience, and I look back and wonder why I wasted time on some people.

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Lucille

As you were not married, community property laws will not apply.

We have not yet heard enough facts from the OP to know whether or not there is a common law marriage.

A consultation with an attorney is worth the $. For instance, I believe you are owed more than reimbursement for receipts of money you have spent on the house, there was planning and labor involved. Too many women undervalue the economic worth of what they have brought to the relationship.

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chisue

I'd say that you have been issued your walking papers. Consult an attorney to learn where you stand financially, then GO! This chapter is closed. You have a lot of living to do -- start exploring your future.

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palisades_

And... he had already told me that “if we break up”, he will reimburse me for money I have spent on the house.

I’m glad to see that. There are men who do not function well as a couple in the same home but will do fine as a couple living in separate homes. It’s their personality so nothing will change that. Since he said, “if we break up”, I take it as a clue that he no longer desires to continue the relationship. It’s best to end it now. Take your fair share, and perhaps you could move to a less expensive area that you like a short driving distance from your mom so you can still keep an eye on her without living in the same home with her. Best of luck.

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stacey_mb

So sorry you are going through this, such a disruption. I don't have anything to add to other comments here, except to say do look after yourself and all the best for a future with a rewarding lifestyle.

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summersrhythm_z6a

I also think his heart has gone elsewhere. It’s time to move on. Be strong! You will be Ok. Life goes on. Find a apt to move out Peacefully. Saw this happened to a friend.

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Olychick

Common law marriage in Texas (one of the few states that sometimes recognizes it): "Texas law states that a common law
marriage may be proved by evidence that the couple: “agreed to be
married”; and. ... “represented to others that they were married”. It's not an easy test to pass and is very complicated and messy legally. Doesn't sound like anything to even give a second thought about.

I hope he is fair with you and that you can figure out what you want to do. Since your kids are in the area, that sounds like it would be a better place than moving to WV and a mother you don't care to spend time with. You DON'T have to move in with your mother when she needs it...there are so many other options than giving up your own life and happiness.

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sweet_betsy No AL Z7

The world is full of game players who use others as long as it benefits them. You deserve better than this. Get mad. Get your money. Get out. Don't look back. Be careful of giving your heart to anyone who isn't as invested in your wellbeing as they are their own. I am a widow too and your post has helped me to open my eyes and get a good look at a romantic interest of my own. Thank you and know that my thoughts are with you.

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Lucille

It's not an easy test to pass and is very complicated and messy legally. Doesn't sound like anything to even give a second thought about.

I SO disagree with letting this possibility pass unaddressed. We do not know whether the couple represented to each other and others that they were married. If not, then of course there is no common law marriage. There are a few more requirements, but they have been together more than the statutorily required two years.

I believe one should not dismiss the possibility without even asking the pertinent questions which would take a mere minute..

Of course, I also recommend consulting an attorney, and these questions will be one of the first he/she asks.

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nickel_kg

What sounds right to me is seeking an attorney today. You need to know what your rights are and how to protect your assets in a fair and legal manner, and none of us can do that for you. Once you have that critical business underway, then take a couple days to think about this person and if you want to continue a relationship with him, and if so, what will the boundaries be. You don't have to make those decisions yet.

But like several have said, don't move to WV or in with your mother. You said it wouldn't work, so believe yourself!


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Elmer J Fudd

Legal advice from well intentioned but untrained/unlicensed individuals is potentially more harmful than helpful. If you think the OP may benefit from getting legal advice, why not say so and leave it at that, rather than pretending to understand legal rules and nuances that may apply.


To the OP, sorry, best wishes and good luck.

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Lucille

Legal advice from well intentioned but untrained/unlicensed individuals is potentially more harmful than helpful. If you think the OP may benefit from getting legal advice, why not say so and leave it at that, rather than pretending to understand legal rules and nuances that may apply.

While I am retired and inactive, I am licensed as an attorney in Texas.

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donna_loomis

Here are my (65 year-old) observations/opinions:


I can tell you from experience that trying to salvage a relationship in which the other person has already distanced themselves (mentally) is a losing proposition.


When someone says, "It's not you, it's me", it doesn't matter which of you it really is. You're not going to fix it alone. Nothing will get fixed if the two of you are not working on it "together".


If this is a pattern of behavior, it is not likely to change unless the person seeks professional help. If they say they've worked it out, more than likely it will become an issue again at some point in the relationship.


You CAN stand another heartbreak. No, it won't be a great time in your life, but neither would staying with someone who will break your heart over and over.


You're braver than you think you are. You asked him to leave HIS home. And he did. Use this time to figure out what you really want. Do you want to be with someone just because you don't want to be alone? I've made that mistake and I do not recommend it to anyone.


If someone lacks empathy for a person they claim to love, is that really someone you want to be with?


Don't let this turn your life upside down. Turn your life around. It won't be easy, but you can do it. You will eventually thank yourself for realizing that you matter and deserve better.


I have been in a very similar situation as you are now. As miserable as I initially was when I ended it, I was more miserable when I knew it was over and tried to hold on to it.


I am very sorry you are going through this.

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summersrhythm_z6a

Donna, you rock! Like your post is just not enough. :-)

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HU-629454853

Read the last sentence in the original post again. lynndale said she knew what she was looking for in the KT group. I think all the previous responses offered her love and encouragement as well as some advice on how to react to the situation. Hopefully she found what she was looking for.


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HU-629454853

Can one not be a licensed nurse and a licensed attorney at the same time? I know persons licensed in multiple fields.

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Lucille

Yes, I am a registered nurse, also.

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SEA SEA

I'm very sorry this happened to you. Big hugs. Maybe this will give you some solace.


When someone is not 100% on board with being with you, whether a friend or more, take it as this is the moment you define yourself as accepting morsels or knowing that you deserve to be wanted and loved. This hurts now. He has things he needs to work on, but that isn't your job. Your job is to put yourself first and be the great woman you are.

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maifleur03

Only real advice I have is to be glad it happened now not ten years later.


Secondary advise if you have commingled money either in bank accounts or in the house is to see an attorney immediately and follow their advise which may include removing and setting up a separate bank account in your name only if you set up a joint one.


You knew going into this that he apparently had done this to others so if you know them reach out for information on his normal steps so when the same thing happens you will not be surprised, again.

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Kathsgrdn

I'm sorry you're going through this. No advice. Take care of yourself.

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Lars

donna_loomis has given the best advice IMO.

I would caution against making this situation about determining who owes what to whom monetarily - that has the possibility of creating resentment and more bad feelings. It sounds like he is trying to be at least somewhat gracious to you, and I would do whatever I could to encourage that. This is not a time for vindictiveness, as that would only foster ill feelings. Compassion is what is called for. Better to try to appeal to his better instincts rather than to try to punish him.

I recommend getting some sort of counseling - preferably emotional rather than legal at this point. Your feelings matter so much more than finances do, as you said that you are able to afford rent in DFW. This is also a time to gather emotional support from family and friends. If you are hurting, then they will be there for you, and they may understand the situation better than people on an on-line forum.

One of the main problems I see is his lack of empathy. This might be something that is really not good for you to have to live with.

I also understand that grieving will occur if this break-up does occur, and this is why you will need emotional support from friends, family, and perhaps a counselor. Perhaps you can join a local support group as well, and this might help you establish new social relationships.

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yeonassky

Sorry for your situation. I think you will grieve but it won't be to the extent I think that your previous grief was.

I agree it's good that it happened now.

Try to view this as an opportunity to gain strength and independence if you can.

Get some legal, financial and therapeutic help no matter which way this goes. Even if he stays you want to have more power in your court. Even if it means working or something like that part-time.

Knowledge is power. Know where you stand legally and financially and shore up where you are emotionally.

You never know how people are going to act when they are breaking up. Be prepared to defend your rights.

It's okay to be afraid but you still have to take care of you. You could even make that your mantra.

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lisaam

Any chance your mother could come to be near but not with you in DFW? Glad you have other fam nearby. Yes, maintain your friendships. Some girlfriends and I have talked about sharing a house in the future a la golden girls. I'd need a bit more private space than a bedroom only. Are there any intentional communities nearby?

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lynndale

Thanks for all the support and advice.

We have not presented ourselves as married, so I don’t think I have any legal ground to stand on. We have not commingled our money and I have adequate resources of my own. I am going to hold him to his offer to give me a lump sum as repayment for the things I have contributed to the house.

And...someone said I knew his pattern going in, but I did not. He only disclosed the truth about his past relationships recently.

His ex-wife is a very nice person, so I plan to have a heart to hearts it’s her when I know this is over as I need to know the truth about a few things.

Again, thanks to everyone for the support.


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lily316

You sound like a very sensible person. Good luck to you.

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Zalco/bring back Sophie!

Wishing you all the best moving forward. Please stop by the KT more often. There is always room for more people here.

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nekotish

Please just take care of you. I am roughly the same age as you and I realize how devastating it would be to start over, but you have to live your best life. Your mother complicates the situation, I can relate, but it's my Dad. These days I keep reminding myself that I have worked hard all my life and deserve some peace and comfort for the rest of it. You do too!


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kathyg_in_mi

((((Hugs))))

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wantoretire_did

Lynndale, you appear to be in a good position financially, which is a huge benefit. Personally, I would want the additional funds he brought up, as well, but I would run that by an attorney just to be sure.

Lars, any good matrimonial lawyer will, at the outset, tell his client to first, get finances in shape. As to how differs with each client, but is almost always at the top of the list, barring physical abuse.

I say this as having been a legal secretary/assistant for 35 years and involved in countless matrimonial cases.

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chisue

I'd still check on the legal/financial part of the equation. You don't want to lose what's legally yours. You don't want to leave yourself open to any claims he could make either.

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joann_fl

I am so sorry for this, I also smell a rat. The truth will be know in time. The same thing happen to my x DIL. Her husband just wanted a break, no one was involved in his decision but the the truth came out and it was another women. Take care of yourself, its not you it was HIM!

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joyfulguy

I feel sad that you are going through this, lynndale.

It sounds as though you became committed rather early, and sometimes it helps to become committed to a new mate rather gradually, to grow into it slowly.

Though he's traveled this road before, I wonder whether he's fairly comfortable with it, or would be open to developing deeper commitment, though your observation that he lacks empathy is rather negative to that.

Do you have a connection with a faith agency? Some leaders of faith groups are good listeners, have much experience in these matters and can offer good common sense and often a substantial measure of empathy into the bargain - says one aged guy who was a liberal protestant clergyperson in earlier years.

Often it's helpful at times of crisis if one has developed a group of friends of one's own.

I think you've received some good advice above and offer good wishes as you move into what you choose in the future.

(((((lynndale))))) - at a non-covid-risky distance!

ole joyful


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