(For starters, and to avoid, future posts of this ilk, yes of course we are lucky we are all healthy and yes of course many have it worse.)

Yes, Daisy, I mentioned it. I read somewhere it is hardest on young adults. For me, I think of it as driving age up thru college, maybe 17-22. It is a time when they are testing the waters on their own, being independent, yet now they are yanked back and infantilized by circumstances. It is a time when they are making big plans, and now all of those plans are in disarray.

My DS has been living in a dorm 2 years,, DD1 is ending her 4th year in a dorm. It is especially a loss to them not to have their friends around. My DD1 graduates HS this year and all of those rituals will be foregone, with people she had lived with 4 years. Many say, because of the relative youth, boarding school friends are closer than college. And given her closest friend group includes friends from Somaliland, China and Cyprus, she literally may never see them again. She is taking it the hardest, and she is a totally composed unemotional kid. She was "close to tears" and that is a big thing for her. She was also taking a gap year and supposed to start a job in politics right after graduation. That is up in the air. I joke to DH that this DD is a "flight risk."

I think for my DS it is even harder not to be w his friends, and his guy friends are more the "hangout in the common room " types then texting or calling one on one. DS was also very involved in his dorm social events and such. And as for classes, he has one prof who just posts things, no Zoom at all, which he says is pretty useless. The other classes are ok, but one is supposed to be mostly group projects, which are now far harder to do, and one was supposed to include a trip on a marine biology research vessel, very much looked forward to, and now cancelled.

My youngest, a HS jr, probably has the least change. Thank goodness she broke up w her BF of one year, or I can only imagine those disagreements. School starts for her today, and TBH the only thing I am worried about is her losing her hard won independence. I used to work with her a lot, and finally since 10th grade she has flown totally solo and gotten High Honors. I worry she will slide back either in GPA or in reality. Speaking of which, I've heard various things about how grades will be determined.

Lastly, we are in our second week of not leaving our property except DH and I to the grocers/Dr. I have read various things about how much longer. I'd say another 4-12 weeks is consensus? IDK. Four weeks is doable, but is it only me, or does 12 more weeks seem untenable for this age group? I have read that some people are letting teens visit one on one ... as opposed to young children, they are thought to be less touchy and less prone to spread virus. IDK.

Last week, my DD asked me if she could visit a friend's house; she had been invited to dinner and a sleepover. I nearly fell out of my chair. I said no, but I also emailed the Mom out of curiosity. She said they'd been home from their travels 14 days and no one was ill, and went on to talk logistics, as if nothing in the world was different. This is a woman I like and respect and we have know the family for 6 years. I felt awkward saying no, as if it were a reproach of their family or her judgment. But I did say no.

I feel bad though, and wondered if I could have suggested an alternate. Like getting take out tacos and hanging out at the beach park for a few hours, 6 feet apart. When she came home, she could shower in the separate shower that is part of the indoor pool, and leave her clothes there for a few days; no one uses that BA.

Then I think,why take any risk at all. Luckily, my DD has not argued with me or even brought it up again.

PS Our rules so far have included... up before 10, in bed by midnight. Now that they all have classes, for some of them that will be up by 9. No limits on screentime. Not a word about their rooms. Do your own laundry. About 20 min of household chores a day, and 30+ min outside or using the home gym/pool. One big family meal in the afternoon, which includes a daily family activity (board game, letter writing, arts and crafts, or, it it is nice volleyball, golf, outside)

Many are experiencing grief.

https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief

The eldest teen in my life is going to miss a much anticipated and hard won graduation ceremony and celebration. The youngest was so proud of a pair of $140 pants he bought to wear to a sports banquet that will now not take place. Their milestones have been taken away from them in so many cases and it's heartbreaking.

Ida, great article, thx. I did comment to DH the other day that this started w disbelief then anger than acceptance .. but couldn't remember all the steps. Love that this guy added "meaning."

DS isn’t a teen, he’s 21 and a junior at our nearby college so he lives at home.

He has had online classes in the past, but they were designed as such. His current professors had two weeks to move their classes online. Of course the college provided support, but even as they prepared, things changed:

At first it looked like it would be for a few weeks, now it’s to the end of the semester.

At first they could do it from their offices and empty classrooms, now they have to do it from home.

At first they could use the college‘s physical resources, now the campus is closed (well, there‘s still a handful of people on campus, but not many).

DS said that one of his professors is almost as engaging in his video lectures as he is in the classroom. He always asks questions of himself in class, and continues that style in his videos (”Why is this so, you ask? Excellent question! Here’s why. . . . “ kind of thing). Other professors are just better with the live audience in the classroom.

DS’s classes are available at class time, at least one is live-streamed, but they can be watched later. So he does. That loses any opportunity to ask questions live. DS does sooooo much better in the classroom, with an imposed daily structure. He was really on a roll this semester, his first at this school. This change is not good. He also does better in person than on the phone, and he has a phone appointment with his prescribing doctor today. I hope it goes well. I think I’ll suggest he go out to the car, so he’ll know he has total privacy.

He‘s quite introverted, and has never communicated with his friends outside of school. So that hasn’t changed. But he was enjoying being part of an engaged classroom, now that all his classes, and his fellow students, are in his major.

It doesn’t help him that DH and I are home now all. the. time. DH works from home anyway but would travel one or two days a week, and I was always out and about. But now it’s 22-7 (Why not 24-7? DH and I go for a long walk twice a day! Partly for us, and partly for DS.)

I have a 15-year-old. She's adapting about as well as I am, which is to say that there are difficult moments and frustrations, but she's coping. One of her biggest meltdowns was over not having an appropriate set-up for remote learning. She took a day to clean her desk off, grab the TV from the living room to use as a monitor (everyone watches stuff on laptops or phones, so the TV doesn't get much use), got a keyboard and mouse from her dad, and now has a functional set-up. (I just took everything from work, including my desk chair, to set up my home office).

Her history class is the only one of eight that has transitioned easily to remote learning. They were working on independent projects, and the teacher has been organized about online meetings. One class was using CAD software that was on classroom computers; we just went looking for home schooling options for that. She said her geometry teacher was absent half the time anyway and it was mostly remedial for her, so she talked about finding some Khan Academy material. For Orchestra I'm trying to get her to learn the 2nd violin part for Handel's Messiah. Her English reading is available as a PDF, but the teacher doesn't seem to be on the ball for online learning.

She just came down from her dad's house--that needs explanation, which I will give at the end of my post--and told me that even though this week is supposed to be spring break, she will continue with school work. Partly because of missed time with the slow start to online learning, and partly to just give structure to her day. It's not like she's going anywhere.

The explanation--My ex and I own a 2 unit building. When we separated, the lower unit was vacant and I moved in. So he's upstairs and I'm downstairs, for 10 years now. We have 50/50 joint physical and legal custody. I don't know what other divorced parents are doing, but because of the physical proximity, we've maintained the custody schedule and view each other as part of each other's immediate households for shelter-in-place purposes. I had dinner at his place one night, and cooked for him one night.

On a positive note, I know my teen is getting more sleep every day, which I hope will be a positive thing for him, and other teenagers, in the long run.

He is a good student and keeping up with his online classes and assignments. He has a large network of online friends he games with, so that has not changed, but has increased ... I don't think the extra online gaming is a positive overall, but it keeps him engaged and talking to others. Getting him to do physical activity has been the hardest part. He was part of the track team and doing regular workouts, which stopped completely.

In the big world view of bad things that could happen to people, I don't rate this at the high end of the scale, so that is the attitude we have shown DS2. Yes, it is an inconvenience and sad that many of his senior year milestones were disrupted, but it really isn't the end of the world. Perspective.

Definitely not the end of the world, but I think it's important to not minimize what young people are experiencing. For many, it's a very big deal to be missing out on normal milestones. For me, those events happened so very long ago that I had forgotten the weight they carried at the time, and I initially discounted somewhat the emotional impact that I know many teens are expressing. Not the end of world, but absolutely a big deal in their world. Not that anyone here is saying otherwise, but I think this is a time to be very, very tender with what our youngsters may be feeling right now.

Cawaps, I think that is a great way to co-parent. Kudos to you.

I feel sorry for all the young people who will miss out on these important events in their lives including those who've planned weddings that will not take place as planned. I'm sure the vast majority have never experienced a major crisis or disappointment in their lives, the kind of things that might help them put their current disappointments in perspective. I think this will be a life changing, character building experience for many of all ages that will make us better people in the long run (assuming we live through it). In the meantime I guess we are all coming to grips with the reality of it in our own way.

Some good insights here. I do think my teens are getting more sleep and they are eating very well, so there's that. And yes, it will build character.

I think I mentioned what my 17 and 20 year olds were doing in the other thread. I am in agreement with some of you that 12 weeks of isolation is just really, really, hard for this age group. And, Mtn, funnily enough, my dd also just broke up with her bf in February (they had only dated 6 months though.) Sooooo glad bc that would have been a daily fight during this time. 😂

Her school is a fairly small k-12 school with about 100 kids in each grade, and I am so grateful that someone on staff decided the kids deserved a prom. They reserved a venue for July 31. Who knows if it will be able to happen, but at least it gives the kids SOMETHING to look forward to.

College sophomore ds is pledging a fraternity this spring...he‘s missed Spring Formal, Spring Break, Mountain Weekend, and since it seems they won’t be back on campus this semester, his initiation is postponed until Fall. So disappointing.

Currently we are on lockdown until the end of April. I really do fear for their mental health if these measures extend much beyond that.

The whole family has been getting plenty of sleep aNd exercise though, simply bc there’s not much else to do!!

Yes. thanks for pointing out the positives. My kids have also been getting loads of sleep and exercise. So grateful they both like exercise and healthy eating. I wish I had their self restraint.

My youngest has only been joining us for the bare minimum and staying in her room most of the day. However, today it’s as though she knew I had started this thread. We had a fire in the fireplace and she came down and took part laughingly as We tried to make bannock on a stick. She’s spent the whole day playing cards and reading with us. Makes me feel better for right now, but I agree 12 weeks will be rough.

I am all for having events to look forward to and plan for - even if they might not occur. My oldest has a job waiting for her in a bush camp in northern BC, our hardest hit province. We all know it probably won’t happen but we are having fun getting the tent ready, sewing sleeping bag inserts, going on walks to break in her new boots, etc.

If you all come up with other ways that work for you to keep them engaged and functioning, please keep sharing. Even little things like mtn’s rules for getting up and going to sleep are helpful.

I saw that article about grief...so true. I don't have any teens, but I really feel for kids in that high school/college age group. So many rites of passage they will miss. I feel for you parents too. You are traveling a challenging road with your kids and I'm sure mourning the loss of those rites for your kids.

DS just turned 16 and our school transitioned to on-line almost immediately so he has school work during the week. He has a lot more time to read so he is reading the 1st Dune book now and just finished The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

He communicates with all of his friends everyday and they are allowed to meet in the park to go hammocking. They social distance but hike down together (usually between 2 and 4 guys) and hang their hammocks in the trees and chill with each other. They are not allowed to stop anywhere on the way to or from the area where they hike.

He also works-out at home but it's not nearly what he is used to doing. Until the quarantine he was playing or practicing soccer everyday. We told him he better start running around the block or he will be out of shape when they get back to playing.

He cooked dinner one night and I made him clean his bathroom today.

Ok, forget everything else about this thread.

Hammocking is a verb? and you have a park where you can do it? I may have found my sport!

LOL Mtn.

daisy, I don’t know if this is the sort of tip you’re looking for, but DD is the only kid at home (2 older ones are out of school and have their own apts) and she, DH, and I started watching The Amazing Race about 2 weeks ago from the beginning of season 1. I didn’t know if it would last, but she is very gung ho about watching EVERY night after dinner. We had been watching 2 episodes most nights but now that school has started, we only watched 1 tonight. We tend to be scattered throughout the day but we are enjoying eating dinner together and then watching the show every night. It’s been a nice way to end each day...DD and I usually have the two dogs on the sofa with us and the dogs are in heaven too!

Thanks, Sueb, we used to love the Amazing Race and always watched it as a family when the kids were younger. Totally forgot about that. We definitely need to make scheduled family time of some sort. Right now it is just meals and cooking together. We've pulled out the Family Conversation cards (bought on mtn's suggestion) at dinner sometimes. The rest of us get a kick out of answering the questions and going off on tangents, but she'll have none of it. I keep Lisa D'amour's advice in the back of my mind about teenagers, "even if they are rolling their eyes at you, it doesn't mean that they aren't listening" and keep trying.

I think that is so true, Local. I get an eye-roll from someone in the crowd every time I pull one of my new "after-Linner" activities out of a hat. But they always do it, and for far longer than I was planning. Even teens are humans. Ha!

In addition to the list I have in rotation, I was thinking today I might have them make raviolis. It's very tactile and fun.

PS BTW, Sue, isn't it funny how much sharing a TV show can bring us together? I spent so many years thinking TV was the anti-christ. I didn't know yet about phones!

WOW this continues to SHOCK how little time families are used to spending together..think of your own teen years..well mine anyway all this socializing and running around of teens today--was just not a thing. It wasn't when I had teens at home either. Unless it was school related M-F they were at home. I think of all the "home school" reasoning back then and most of the issues I know of with teens proves the home school mind set correct. Egos are not ready for the trial by fire teens live today. Teens are prone to drama!! Try to get them out of their emotional mind and use their wise mind! I FEEL for seniors that have lost ACT testing/prom/graduation/senior trips....those are gone FOREVER . Younger teens have next year to play catch up. Rejoice in this time together!! What a gift for families to be forced to learn what our grandparents lived FAMILY is the building block of our society, with out strong bonds we can't stand.

Its been many decades since I was a teen, but I remember we "ran around" a LOT in those years. It's been that way since the dawn of time, I would imagine, when children reached the age where wings began to sprout.

I disagree with the assertion that home school is the "correct" way, and believe that now is not the time to judge how other families live. Ok ... it's never the right time to put forth that there is a right way and a wrong way. You don't know what you don't know.

Really, arcy? I never wanted to be home with my parents when I was a teen! My DD is actually much more pleasant and better company than I would have been at her age.

Now, if my (now 27 yo) son had been quarantined with us as a teen...I shudder to think. The police may have been involved. 😜

Perhaps I shouldn't beat the dead horse, but it makes me angry to see the command for others to "rejoice in this time together." Arcy, do you not know that millions are without income now? That countless are hungry and hurting? That thousands are sick and dying? That most people are frightened in ways not even dreamed of a few months ago? Rejoice?!? A "gift"?!? Oh my God.

In a first-world problem, today I heard our online school platform was crashing. Too many logging on at once! Good time for students to learn to time their logins, maybe download their materials when possible and log off, and not wait until the last minute to submit them. When the Chicago schools go online next week, I’m sure it will be even more pronounced. In Chicago, though, they have to make WiFi or hotspots available to many families somehow, and it is taking time.

I'm 75 and it's been a long time since I was a teen, but I didn't want to stay home with my parents any more than kids do today. It's a natural, healthy part of being an adolescent and finding your own individuality with likeminded peers. Books, libraries, have been written on the subject.

I'm navigating stay-at-home on my own with a couple of cats. I have the utmost empathy for those families stuck home together in what could be small homes, close quarters, climbing the walls. I remember the two-weeks spent with my daughter when she was grounded. Her offense: girls just wanna have fun. It was torture, sheer torture.

Actually I think teens spend much more time at home these days, because they can talk and face-time with friends right in their bedrooms. They can also game with friends all over the world ... no need to go down to the local arcade ... do those even exist anymore?

So, an analogy that helps me when I think of teens is the swimming pool of life.

Think of the world as a swimming pool and you as the edge of the pool. Your teen is beginning to push away from you swim in the pool (explore the world) on their own. They do this for little bits at a time but get tired or need help with their strokes and come back to you, the edge of the pool for rest, comfort and advice. As they get older, they spend less time at the edge of the pool and more time swimming.

They need to push off and you need to let them, but you still have to be there for them when they come back.

This is another bit of wisdom from Lisa D'Amour. Her advice has helped me a lot. I think it's important to remember that we haven't all had the same childhood experiences. My mom left when I was 11 or 12 and my dad was not a stellar parent. I do not want my kids to replicate my experiences growing up, so I try to reflect on what resonates for me while listening to the advice of others. Sometimes that means holding onto traditional values, sometimes it means tossing them for a better model.

My heart aches for so many young people. I think at this time just acknowledging their feelings of sadness and grief as valid is all we can really do.

I go to work every day... public health, we are depressed. I can’t imagine a young person. We have “young” adults who are taking care of families.

very add to not see the grands but especially with my job I won’t see anyone except my husband outside of work

I actually think this may have a longer-lasting impact on young children-toddlers and preschool-aged or kindergarteners. I know my granddaughter does not get screen time yet (she is only 20 months) and that is very different from child-to-child contact anyway. They will be missing out on building and learning very important social skills by not being around any other children. Developmentally, losing months now and possibly again in the fall if the virus has a resurgence after summer could be an issue for a lot of them. For those in Head Start, it could be devastating.

Cyn, I have no doubt that we will see a world worth of PTSD after this. It will effect long term world wide mental as well a physical health for trauma and PTSD are linked to autoimmune disease, heart disease, young strokes, and even many cancers due to the systemic inflammation it causes. This is a life long pandemic sadly.

PUT THEM TO WORK. Back in the day teens contributed to the stability of the family. Here is your chance to learn to work as a team, solidify your solidarity...painting, cleaning, yard work, wash windows....when this is over everyone's home should be in tip top condition!!

Arcy, you seem to think you have everyone else's solutions in hand. You don't. Try to be a bit more empathetic towards the lives of others you know nothing about. "Back in the day" is a pointless and misguided analogy.

While not a teen, my 25 yo DD is back home during this crisis. She is a graduate student at a NYC university due to graduate in May. Like so many others, she is experiencing the loss of her school "community" and we are all sad we cannot experience her much anticipated commencement ceremony.

She is taking it one day at a time because she becomes overwhelmed if she thinks about her future. Her dream was to live and work in NYC. That seems like a very remote possibility now as her current apartment lease is up in July and, as a 2020 graduate, she will be entering a very dismal job market.

How do we help our kids navigate this new reality? I have yet to share this article with her, but it is not an encouraging picture.

NYT Article

Arcy, I appreciate where you're coming from, and this quarantine time certainly presents opportunities for us parents in many ways. Your general advice to gather together, focus on family, put our kids to work, give everyone a part in the larger family dynamic, turn lemons into lemonade--that's all kinda Parenting 101, if you will. It seems most of us already have those parenting basics covered.

I'm sensitive to Arcy's words as I have loved ones who are grappling with severe mental distress as they stare down into an abyss of fear and loss at the moment. And I know with certainty that this is not an uncommon theme. I do not take well to others who seem to put forth "the answers" and seem to "know" what other families should be doing. I find that kind of smugness hurtful and offensive.

But she is one who speaks her mind, as is certainly her right. I will endeavor to just skip over her posts at this time, along with any others that feel out of sync with the gravity of this situation. For my own sanity, and for the sake of the forum.

Daisy from what I " know" of you as a parent and person I trust you are doing everything right for both your daughters. I also know that your daughters have had a very large trauma in their lives already with a fire changing the structure of their childhood home.

Your daughter's reaction is not only to be expected by most of her age group experiencing the loss of life as nornal, it is also completly expected to be harder for someone who has already lost more than most adults have had to accept in their whole life time. She has the right to stomp her feet, be angry and grieve and not much can heal her more than allowing her to process this in her own way and on her own time frame. Xo

On the April book thread several posters mentioned being unable to concentrate on reading a book. I have been experiencing the same thing and it makes me very worried about my boys whose spring quarter started online Monday. Finishing up winter quarter online was one thing. Most of the quarter was over when things shifted, so finishing everything was practically a matter of momentum. But starting fresh and being able to focus when so much of their lives are in flux, I really worry.

I have 4 grandkids, but the one I feel sorriest for is my high school senior granddaughter, Her prom dress, excitingly picked out, is hanging upstairs in my closet, probably never to be worn. Graduation, probably not going to happen. But most of all, she is missing out on attending accepted students days at her chosen colleges to see with which groups she best meshes. As someone said above, never to come around again.

^^^arcy, I agree with what you said. Put them to work! If the dishwasher isn't functioning (and even if it is), have the kids wash the dishes and pots by hand -- they need to know this skill. Likewise doing the laundry -- again, a life skill to learn. Helping to fix the meals. Learn how to bake from scratch. Etc. Not only life-skill teaching moments, but it will keep them busy and not just vegging about while being focused on their personal misery.

If possible, use the excellent programming on tv, such as Nova, Nature, Animal Planet and other offerings, to open up their exposure to the wider world in good ways.

I do feel very sad that many "milestones" of growing up are in limbo or canceled right now. But no one is promised an easy life.

Roarah, you are such a kind and gentle soul. I know you have been through a tremendous amount of difficulty, and just want you to know how evident it is that you have a beautiful grasp on compassion. That's so greatly needed, now more than ever. Thank you.

I'm starting to see some judging of others' opinions and experiences ...

Everyone is different. Some are paralyzed by the crisis and some spring up to make lemonade out of the lemons they are dealt, and others are somewhere in the middle.

I have a high school senior too, but using the examples mentioned above, I don't see it the same, because I went to a school system overseas that had none of the graduation traditions that you have here in the US. There were no proms or big graduation ceremonies. You took your exams, school ended and you went onto the next steps in life. I also hear stories from many Americans that didn't go to prom and didn't particularly like their high school experience due to not being in the IN crowd. So maybe it shouldn't be such a big event?

The school visits are great too, but I accepted and attended a graduate school without ever stepping foot in that State before, and that was before the internet and video tours existed. I feel bad my teen will miss out on some of these traditions, but I don't fell sorry for him. I see these as experiences that will help him grow and be more flexible when other crisis come his way during his lifetime.

We've all had different experiences and handle adversity in different ways. Some curl up in a corner, some will tell you to pull yourself up from your bootstraps and the rest are somewhere in between. None of the reactions are better than the other, just different for different individuals. Maybe we don't understand that reaction, but unless you know exactly what that person has been through, I don't see how you can judge them ...

My DD, who is home finishing her freshman year online, DOES empty the dishwasher and do her own laundry and clean her own room and bake AND cooks dinner for us on a regular basis. But she’s still experiencing the same crummy feelings that everyone else is experiencing right now. And I’m quite sure she’s not super excited that her social life is limited to hanging with her parents. Fortunately, she is cheerful...for now at least. That’s just her nature. But ask me again on May 1.

I haven't shared (much) in this discussion because my teen/young adult kids are doing fine overall, so far, given the circumstances. They've set their routines for study and work (one is working from our home), socializing with friends online, helping out around the house (yes, they do this without being asked), exercising and taking care of themselves. I'm not saying it's easy on them, but they are managing.

When we discuss what's going on, I'm gently pushing the idea that this type of quarantine and way of living will likely be part of their futures again. They'll probably see another pandemic or two in their lifetime, so we talk about how they can use this one to acclimate and prepare for the next one. It saddens me to bring a normalcy to all of this... but it is what it is.

My oldest's challenge is the uncertain timeframe of when this will end. He initially came home from college as a temporary measure. Soon after, the university announced the rest of the semester was online. Then, our state had a 2-week shutdown. Then, it was extended to April 30. The deadlines keep moving further out, and it's frustrating for him. Today's cancellation of Wimbledon has him looking at the calendar again. He can put up with just about anything--as long as he has a definitive timeframe in which he must do so. He's that type of person.

And, to agree with above, I think some of our mental health reactions to this may surface later, and this is what I believe might happen with my kids.

Idaclaire, thank you for your kind words. I believe what I have been through has made me a much better person than I was before. Often tragedies or illness can change us for the better. I have hope that after this world crisis resolves we will live in a world that has a fresh start to be the best we can be. The sacrifice to get there though is something I hope never happens again.

I keep waiting for the spousal equivalent of this thread to be launched... (just kidding... a little.)

Feathers, do you mean the thread about how to fit a really bulky item in your chest freezer when it is already full of quarantine food ...

;-)

Yes. Yes, that's the thread.

Roarah - I completely understand what you are saying. I feel like the difficulties I’ve lived through in the past have better prepared me for this crisis. I know they have made me a better person.

Talking about teens ... and toilet paper!

Do you think teenagers will be so quick to TP houses next school year after having to deal with a shortage?

That is one American tradition I have never understood! A waste of TP and it makes a mess, specially if it rains right after.