It's inexcusable, isn't it? I've made the assumption before that non-responders weren't coming, only to have them waltz into the party just like I was expecting them. I don't think it's safe to assume either way, so if you need a headcount for planning the food, I think you're going to have to reach out again. Can you do so by email?

I've stopped asking people to RSVP, and instead ask specifically that they let me know whether OR NOT they can attend. Still doesn't always capture everyone. I don't know why some people are so clueless about the importance of a response, but your frustration is understandable.

I would guess you're singing to the choir here, at least those of us of a certain age. This has been a dilemma for a hostess for quite a while now but continues to get worse it seems. I've tried RSVP and Regrets only but both are fraught with problems because you just never are confident what the silence means. You've done the right thing, reached out for assistance and will (I'm sure) put a smile on your face when you greet everyone and be the hostess that is in your bones to be. We can have a chorus of 'harrumph!'

It is frustrating that people cannot RSVP in a timely manner. At least tell me that you plan to come even if you might have to cancel at the last minute.

I had a similar situation happen for the last bridal shower I hosted. The food wasn't so much of a problem, but setting up tables with place settings, as you said, is different when you have twenty vs. ten. I thought I was all set, but then one of the guests showed up with her four-year-old daughter who has nut allergies. I was really angry inside. Could she not have given me a phone call, even on her way to the event, to say she needed to bring her daughter who had an allergy to nuts? I had to rush around at the last minute and figure out something for the child to eat that had not been cross-contaminated by nuts. She got an apple and some cheese. I felt bad for the child, but what the heck was I supposed to do?

If it was just a cake and punch shower, it really wouldn't matter -- in fact, I probably wouldn't have an RSVP on it -- but it's a meal and drink and you need to prepare!

send an email along the lines of "Dear____, Jane's baby shower is quickly approaching and we're hoping you will join us to help celebrate this very special occasion. Please let me know at your earliest convenience if you can make it. Fingers crossed, we'd love to see you."

ETA: If they don't respond to an email, send a text. IF they don't respond to a text, then it's a "no".

Sharing your “Grrr!”...have been there. No clue why so many people don’t respond to a RSVP. Makes being a hostess an additional challenge.

Oh, yeah...preaching to the choir for sure! I'd really love to know what the thought process is when not responding to an invite. I find it incredibly rude and thoughtless and can't imagine not responding in a timely manner.

I do think there is something to the idea that there are many who respond better to texts than emails, etc. Recently I was having a very difficult time corresponding with a professional via email. When I asked if texting would be preferable, she immediately replied that it would and it has.

DId you invite them electronically? That seems to be the way to go for smaller, informal events. I remember receiving reminders from Evite, I don't know if those are sent automatically or if triggered by the host.

I know many people don't regularly check their mail. I don't do it daily, maybe a few times a week only.

Yes, it is frustrating that people don't RSVP. To answer your question, if it were me, yes, I would contact them. Half of them won't answer the phone (I am making the assumption that you will be calling them). I would assume most of them are coming, and start to make my plans accordingly.

This is a perfect example of the present day dreadful attitudes toward social responsibilities, and I abhor it. H*ll's bells, if I were the hostess, and any invited folk who didn't bother to respond to my invitation showed up, I would inform them that they couldn't come in, since they weren't expected to attend, and firmly shut the door!

Okay, that would be rude, crude and socially unacceptable, BUT... I would really like to do it. SOMEthing needs to be done to awaken folk to the niceties of proper etiquette -- which still has a place in social interaction and always should. The whole point of it is to allow folk to understand what is expected regarding behaviour in order to make everyone comfortable by knowing the "rules".

Rant over. Back to the regular program. Good luck, MarthaScott!!

I RSVPd three weeks before the "due date" for a wedding. Two weeks after the date my sister emailed--my RSVP didn't arrive. I would start calling or emailing or texting. According to my son whose thank yous for his wedding gifts keep coming back the USpostoffice wasn't what it used to be.

Call them. Yes, it’s a nuisance but only way to get answer. Email easy to ignore. Had to call 27 people on DD wedding invitation list. Still had 8 no- shows despite affirmative reply- cost $225. per plate/open bar charge for each no show.

Yes, it is rude not to answer an RSVP, however, you have encountered a common problem that I have been hearing about in my circle of friends. I think that society has gotten nauseated of RSVPs. It seems that every week, I get advertisements to come to their (sales) seminar - please rsvp. That gets ignored.

People have lost sight of what a 'real' RSVP is. It is an important tool to both the hostess and attendee. A hundred years ago, a RSVP from an important family had snob appeal. One did not receive a RSVP unless you were a member of the upper crust. Times have changed! RSVPs are often ignored. However, in today's world, ignoring a 'real' RSVP is still rude.

I think most people know the difference between an invitation to a family member’s bridal shower and unsolicited spam. Somebody has missed their social etiquette lessons.

Martha, I am angry on your behalf.

I think it's also likely a matter of most invitations being electronic now. These come with automatic reminders to RSVP and it usually just means clicking on an icon, not phoning an actual person.

We just hosted our “Dogtoberfest” in October and sent electronic invitations - still had half of the invitees show up without responding.

I feel your pain Martha, and I have no excuses for those not responding, cannot explain why they don't bother.

We had something similar with a family luncheon shower we gave a few years ago for our nephew's fiance. A really wonderful girl, we're so pleased to have her in the family. But several from her side did not respond or RSVP (invitations were printed and mailed, not sent electronically). We thought err on the side of caution, and set up tables, centerpieces, had guest gift bags, food (lunch was catered, we made the desserts) - all unnecessary effort and expense. What was worse though was the bride was faced with empty tables at her own party, I'm sure she was embarrassed and it would have been so much better if those unneeded tables had not been set up and the lunch would have looked intentionally more intimate.

A couple of years later when there was a baby on the way, we solved the 'no response' problem by not inviting any of the 'no shows' again, held the list to her sister, mother, grandmother only.

We should have followed up with phone calls even though that was not our responsibility, and not assumed ....

Don't even get me started. Thankfully, the group of mom's I interact with the most understand what a real RSVP is and they RESPOND to let me know if they are coming OR if they are not.

I've met countless people who seem to think that you only respond to an RSVP if you intend on going.

No, no, no, that's just rude and disrespectful.

RSVP means respondez s'il vous plait which means simply please respond!!!

Ugh, okay, off my soap box now.

BTW, I'm not "of a certain age," I'm mid thirties with elementary age kids.

I too have been the 'victim' of people who don't RSVP including those who don't show up and those who do.

I do find these days that texting/emailing is a lot easier than calling, esp if you don't really know the person which happens around weddings. I think that some people are reluctant to call to say they aren't coming as then they feel obligated to provide an excuse. A quick text or email solves that issue.

But then again, my neighbor recently had a party with e-vites and even there she was pinging people again for an RSVP. Is it such a hard thing to do?

I think I've been the victim of nonRSVPers who nonetheless showed up. And I was just a guest myself. Went to a wedding reception with a buffet dinner. There were not enough seats. I'm guessing that was because plenty people who did not RSVP came. There was not assigned seating.

We went outside to rest our feet sitting at a picnic table in hopes that some of the first ones through the buffet would finish their dinner and leave by the time the end of the line was reaching the buffet. But it was Minnesota in winter and we found it too cold to sit outside. Went to the car for a while.

Adding ourselves to the end of the line, it did turn out that some people had already left, so we were able to have seats. At least there was food. :)

$225 a plate!?!?! and the Bride didn't make sure her count was accurate?!?! I think the cost of these events pretty much forces the issue of follow up on RSVPs that never come. My new daughter in law alerted me to her concerns over not hearing from certain people as the wedding approached..it was still a couple weeks before the dead line. I was ready to send those emails and follow up with phone calls if needed. Curiously their event happened on a boat that was LEAVING the dock...in the end they got a very accurate RSVP count on who actually showed without the follow up calls. Maybe it is about people leaving their options open or not sure if they will so they don't commit either way??? How many people feel "just one more" can fit, so they don't bother to commit? It seems from my son's wedding when there is a HARD AND CERTAIN line people step up.

If you mailed the invitations and you're waiting for 9 responses I would call them. I hope you have their phone numbers. If you emailed the invites then I'd send another email immediately.

In either case tell them you're following up - did they get the invitation? are they coming? And add that you need an answer today.

This is an issue we're thinking about for my daughter's wedding. It will be held at a resort near our house in the Florida Keys, and since her fiancee's family and many of their friends are not local (they live in DC, he's from Michigan) for a large number of the guest list this will be a destination wedding, and a relatively pricey one at that. The resort is not inexpensive, so.....it will be interesting to try to suss out what the actual guest count will be!

I have given more showers than I can count. I used to do RSVP, but not anymore. I just plan for the full amount of people. If you Must know the total, call the bride and ask if she heard who might be coming? They usually will know more about who will show up. As stated above, if you have left overs you can send it with the bride or keep it yourself.

A wedding is a total different thing, you could be out $100's of dollars for no shows. But usually the caterer's, will adjust for "extra's" just in case.

Good Luck and have fun!

I make /plan for more than RSVP, but only some. I also serve at the specified time. With your numbers I would prepare for twelve, and have maybe two place settings in the kitchen. Extra people need to fend for themselves. Yes it sounds selfish, but that's how I work/think.

just to be devil's advocate:

you don't know what is going on in people's lives. their could be illness, hectic work schedules, families with small children that have to accounted for when the adult goes to the function... a myriad of situations.

some people truly do forget the "as of" date, the days fly by and "oops, i forgot to respond"

i think this is one of those things that you have to take with a grain of salt and just move on. i have made plenty of calls, annoying and time waste on my part-yes but i think more or less it just goes with the territory. i don't think people are spiteful or have no manners, sometimes things happen and time moves very quickly. i always say 'there is not enough time in the day or days of the week'.

make the calls and have wonderful time at your shower!!

i always put "RSVP". I don't do "regrets only". i want to hear from everyone to be sure!

I think it is a combo of two things....1. I think some might confuse “regrets“ with “rsvp” which would lead to the problem of people just showing up, and 2. sadly, I do think some people wait a bit to see if they end up having other plans, plus they are spoiled by expecting the “evite trigger” which reminds you that you haven’t rsvped as the event approaches.

While I’ve never confused regrets with rsvp, and I always respond promptly to paper invites...I admit to leaving an evite buried in my inbox bc I didn’t have time to check our schedule, check with dh, etc...right at that moment. Then I promptly forgot until I got the reminder...at which point I immediately responded. I felt bad, but hostess did get a reply a few days before.

On a much smaller scale than a shower - I texted my 3 nephews earlier in the month to find out if they're coming for Thanksgiving. One texted back immediately and the other 2 nothing. Finally yesterday I texted the 2 again and said I need to know now please and they both responded yes.

I really don't get how hard it is to reply when you're asked! They're both in their 20's and no SO's at the moment and they always come to dinner at my house so it's not like they have other options! But I need to make sure I have a place for everyone to sit and eat.

It has always been this way. Just grin, bear it, and call. People have different reasons for failing, some legit and some just forgot or they think you know they are coming.

I like evites for this reason. You can easily keep track of who didn't RSVP and send an automated-looking reminder; less awkward

It's so tempting to print on the invitations instead of RSVP: If you don't tell me you are attending by [insert date], you will not be allowed to enter. ;-)

Btw, for all those who say to "call them", if these guests are in their 20's, we're talking about an age set that doesn't like talking on the phone. It is unlikely they will answer the phone, especially if they don't recognize the number. And perhaps even less likely to answer if they know it is you and realize they haven't responded. Sadly, a text might work best. (Did I mention I have 3 20-something kids?)

Were these people ever taught manners and the kindness to reply to invitations?

Yeah, contact any you haven't heard from. This is the norm now, sad to say.

I still wonder if a RSVP by date has passed?

People who never give parties that include meals have no idea that some hosts like to plan ahead. I think with today’s more casual way of entertaining guests are use to buffet type food and sitting in the first available spot. This is the Monday before the party, chances are people will get their act together and start responding soon. I hope.

just to add, if they text me a response, i am absolutely fine with that !!!! you are leaving your phone # anyway and most people text now, if they call, then can leave a message...

(Hanging my head) I have been guilty of being late to respond, and having had follow up calls - but I have a good excuse! Each time it has been because I have been scheduled to work on the day, and am still trying to finagle the day off. That is why I appreciate the "Save the Date" cards that come months ahead - since days outside my normal schedule have to be requested months ahead. Even with that, if it is on my regular "scheduled" weekend, I have to find someone to trade with me. Which can be a major task.

That is for something major like a wedding. For a shower, I will likely just send my regrets.

nini, I think the “regrets only” thing is what killed responding to RSVP. Some folks think it is the same thing.

In my home, our RSVP rule is “you must respond within 24 hours of receiving the invitation.” That means that if we are uncertain about making it, we simply decline and miss the party.

I always find it awkward to call/text/email to find out if a guest is coming. Although I try to phrase it along the lines of “the post office is so unreliable these days. I’ve heard some invitations were not delivered. I’m just checking to see if you got your invitation and if you are coming.”. But in my head, I hear myself saying “you lazy, thoughtless oaf, why haven’t you RSVP’d? Were you raised by wolves???”

There are still six that I don't know about and if they come, that would definitely make a difference in how I set up tables so I have decided that I will serve buffet style off the dining room table and they can eat from their laps. It's a one plate meal so that's no problem and I will make enough so that the six are covered because we can eat the food later. So I'm good! And feeling a lot less stressed. But I will admit NEXT time I have a shower, it's going to be cake and punch and no RSVPs!!!!

It may not be the thing to do but. I would be tempted to add a P.S. to the invite stating if you don’t hear from them you will be calling.. that just might get some people moving !!

Thanks Susie but I've decided to just serve buffet and let them eat off their laps! Way less work for me for sure!

A sign of the times. Text those you haven’t heard from. Don’t have their phone number? Then forget them. I suggest if you are not close enough to them to have their number, then they likewise they don’t feel close enough to you to attend your event. (Don’t call. I almost never answer my phone anymore.)

Little bug, I’m sorry, but I’ll have to disagree with “if you aren’t close enough to to have their number....”. Often the party is to honor someone who is having a baby, getting married, or celebrating some other life event. In which case, the hostess often invites guests close to the honoree and not necessarily close to the hostess.

I've never heard of "regrets", usually to regret means to "feel bad about something you did or didn't do". Don't see what that has to do with responding to an invitation.

That's why cake and punch receptions are so much easier. Serving a full meal at a wedding is not common where I'm from.

Now the next step is to get the bride to send thank you notes, still waiting several years for some of those...

Below is an example from Emily Post of a formal response to an invitation

Mr. and Mrs. Harold McGowan

accept with pleasure

[or, regret that they are unable to accept]

your kind invitation for

Saturday, the nineteenth of June

You either accept or regret an invitation.

One way to combat the lack of RSVPs is to state on the invite that the location of the event will be provided to those that RSVP their attendance.

Seems to me that "jewel"'s reply "is" (close to being ) "fabulous"!

I wonder about making a rather light-hearted call, saying that you need some advice ...

... that 17 have been invited ... and seven have confirmed ... so you need THEIR advice as to whether to prepare for 27 (that was supposed to be "17", for which I feel that I should accept responsibility - but the capitalization seems to have appeared by accident) ... or 7 ... or some number in between ... .

ole joyfuelled ... who feels that often worthwhile messages can be conveyed mixed with some humour

Last year we were hosting a small dinner party on New Years Eve. On of the couples finally told me the day before that yes, they would be here. I am a bit of a bi@#& that way so I refused to call them back beforehand to see if they were coming. I was complaining to another mutual friend about this and she took it upon herself to tell the other couple that I had mentioned that I hadn’t heard back. I really wish she hadn’t. I was just making a point. But anyway, they did call to say that yes, they would be here. I would really rather not ask them again, but unfortunately my DH wouldn’t near of it as they are neighbours.

I was thinking along the lines of changing the place and tell the responders...

Or if you wanted to be a little "nicer"(?), contact the non-responders with something to the effect that you regret they will be unable to attend the event but understand they have a busy schedule and hope to see them another time. Wish them well and if they change their mind and want to come to contact you and see if there will be room for additional people at the new location.

It’s a real shame the hostess is put through the ringer just to host a party. Martha has gone above and beyond, I’m quite sure, to put on a lovely brunch and shower. Nothing is wrong with a buffet, but what a shame for those who have the manners to be in the position of eating from their lap instead of at a table. I would put out place cards for those you knew were coming and let the rest of the rude slackers take the remaining seats without a place for a plate. If they indeed show at all.

I agree with whoever said the ‘regrets only‘, was one thing that killed responding to an RSVP. And using the phone to call it in? I have often left a voice message response for the hostess, who I did not know, and everything worked out just fine. I leave my contact phone number in case they need to verify or call me.