I'd go... but probably wouldn't ask those questions. LOL

becky I really feel better already just talking to you guys:) you make me smile

(of course I have 3 new orchids. Orchids don't do that great in the new place-there was an ideal light for them. I lost around 7 or 8 orchids to that staging. Maybe I can talk to my new orchids..I talk to all sorts of things in the house anyway))

Oakley that does found like quite an experience!

Was it forty years..oh I'd go for sure, and be ready for everything..

but only two and a half years since the current residents took ownership.

pudgeder, yeah..sounds like me too:) Oh I'm glad I opened this thread. It is so helpful

When did you sell the house? If more than 5 years ago, I think times have changed and realtors might be concerned with offending someone by telling them to remove something "too ethnic".

chispa, they moved in in February 2017

So what happens if someone refuses to follow a realtor's staging demands? I'm just genuinely curious, as I've never had this happen. I've had realtors make a few gentle suggestions, but never worked with anyone who insisted I remove nearly every last trace of the real people who were trying to sell the place. Would such a demanding realtor just not market the house the way she might otherwise if her demands were all met? (And wouldn't that violate the contractual agreement they had already entered into with the seller?) At the end of the day, they are working for the seller, so I think it behooves them (oh god, I'm old -- I just used "behooved" in a sentence) to respect the opinions and wishes of their clients.

IdaClaire thank you for using "behooved"-I just learned a new word!!!

well with us was like that-we meet we like her..we decide to hire her..she mentions she always uses a stager and it's small things really, tweaking here and there..just minor things. Couple accessories, in short something that sounds "oh ok fine" She mentions it costs several hundred that we though get back after the sale happens. (which we did-came out of her commission)

Then the day comes..you understand that's no, it won't be a few tihngs, you get all pale..they tell you to please not be upset ang go for a walk..and that's it, you come back to Hobby Lobby.

Each time you suggest to tweak it just a bit, at least take off the seating placemats as if always ready to dine-you're doomed. In a very polite but firm manner you're told that "let's leave it as we agreed it to be"

How did I agree? I was sent to take a walk-and arrived to see all that. And ok, I understood why they did X or Y. Even though nothing would change if they didn't. But some things were just stupid and tacky as hell. What, people can't figure out the table is for eating?

So it starts gently and with your "okay if you say so"-and then you're on some hook, and that's it.

I probably would. I still drive by my old house once in while to see if the new owners did anything new. Even though I've been in my condo now almost 17 years..I still have an attachment to my old home. Not because it was my dream home or anything...it's kinda weird. I used to look for my old car on the roads too...never did see any. LOL

ETA: I didnt complelely read OP's reason for wanting to go. For that reason, no. But just out of curiostiy to see what the new people did, sure.

Seriously, she removed real orchids and replaced with fake???? I would have challenged her on that.

I got to visit the house I grew up in, it was FSBO and we happened to have a connection to the family selling it. Anyway, since my parents had had the house custom-designed and built, I was able to answer a few questions they had about the house.

Regarding the staging, my aunt's realtor says "you can say no" but my aunt hears "but you should say yes".

I'd go for sure - realtors deal with previous owners and neighbors all the time so you certainly won't put her off or seem creepy. I wouldn't directly ask about the staging but I might say something like, 'Interesting staging this time around.' Yes, I know, passive aggressive and I probably wouldn't actually say it but I'd sure be thinking it!

OTOH if you think there might be the least bit of sadness for you to see things changed or would end up wondering 'what if' then don't go. Leave it in your memories as it was when you lived there.

I was invited back to our old house a year after we moved by the young couple we sold to when they heard I was planning a trip back (without DH). We'd kept in touch by email and through facebook so I wasn't surprised but I did have some hesitation. We lived there 24 years, raised our sons there and although I was very ready to move on when we did, a lot of my heart will always be in that house and I knew they had made significant changes right away. I went because #1 they are really lovely people #2 they continued to ask questions about the history of the house, work we had done and wanted to know all the 'stories' and #3 they seemed genuinely excited to share what they had done - so how could I say no? Their changes were all wonderful (gorgeous kitchen, same footprint), finished the basement that we had never needed for living space and of course new paint, a few new light fixtures but much of the old original as well. It was fun to see toys and a crib in the house again and a great deal had not changed although there were plans for more in the future. I'm glad I went. It was the best way to really close the door for me. We were just there again in July and they asked us to stop by but our time didn't mesh with their schedule. We did visit the next door neighbor so of course saw the outside and nothing has changed - they've even kept my gardens in tact although a landscaper now does the upkeep!

We have always bought older homes and taken good care of them plus tried to keep their character. We have on several occasions, sometime by surprise and sometimes on advance notice, given tours to prior owners. I have enjoyed sharing it with them! I had to laugh at an elderly woman who reminisced about hiding in a particular closet as a small girl. The closet, and the room it is in, did not even exist until about 2010. But I guess that is my reward for sourcing old porcelain knobs.

alwaysstaybehind, frankly, listing pictures say enough..I'd be curious if they'd change things indeed, but it's just different furnishings, after all. And a vanity of the kind that I don't like.

you all are right..unless the realtor starts talking to me herself about this subject, I won't ask questions that will be of no use to anyone, as curious as I am. If I decide to go..

graywings I tried and I lost)))

I did win on something-we always have fresh flowers in the house..my DH sees to that because he knows I love fresh flowers..I was allowed to have a bouquet somewhere, after explaining how it's our family tradition and all

bpath yes..these things happen a lot..I believe in so many situations in life..

thinking of this-didn't I myself tell my kids on couple occassions they have a choice but it was very obvious from my explanations which choice I'd prefer for them to make?

ok they were little and I am their Mom and it was about much more important stuff to me. very different situation and relationships. Yet still. I wonder how often it can happen.

DLM and mtn that's really heartwarming. I loved reading the stories

we actually planned on smth like this with the lady who sold the current place to us....she knew we were going to remodel, and was excited to see the house after..she was very attached to it She wanted to see how it continues to live, you know?

but by the time we were kinda ready..she already moved to a different state..:)

The remodel took too long

Maybe one day ..who knows

April, your realtor must've been part car salesman. I swear, some people -- you think you can "trust" them, but they have an insidious way of getting under your skin and enacting their own agenda. I do understand how that happens, and appreciate you explaining it.

And oh, lord: you come back to Hobby Lobby. That is so incredibly descriptive! Say no more ... no need to. LOL!

4 thoughts:

1) "And they put all my orchids outside to die-and brought in faux ones." That's just silly.

2) I'm not a fan of staging. I don't like looking at staged homes, and I would not allow mine to be staged. I'd leave it furnished if the Realtor said to and I agreed, or I'd empty the entire house (usually the latter).

3) No, it's not creepy. Love that you used that word, though!

4) I would want to but I wouldn't. I have since learned not to even drive by past homes. Even though I love my new one(s) more.

April - I would go to the Open House and if by chance your realtor is present then it would give you the opportunity to tell her that you loved working with her and thought that she was dedicated and had integrity. If I were a realtor I would consider that the highest compliment. Well, come to think of it - I would be honored if someone said that to me too.

Two years ago we sold our home of 36 years where we had raised our 3 children and moved 8 miles away. All my friends thought that DH and I would be sad since we'd been there so long and had remodeled it extensively. I was surprised to realize that I wasn't sad because it was time - time to move to something more suitable for the 2 of us and time for another family to make their own memories there. DH would rather have remained but he knew it was the right decision for us.

The couple who bought it had looked at 35 homes all over the area and when the wife saw ours she called her mother and told her that her search was over. It meant so much to me that another young family would now make it theirs.

I've driven by my old house many times but never stopped. It does bother me a little to see that all the shrubs and flowers that I planted and nurtured over the years are rather overgrown and weedy.

But I too have moved on - just as you wrote "I did move on,.... I'm just sad about that, it was a good time in my life. Not a house per se. The times. If I go-I think
I'll feel even more how I moved on."

Maire

I would go to see the house as it is now if the listing photos looked like they'd made changes I'd like to see. But it sounds like your main interest is a personal beef about the staging. If that's it I'd let it go on the assumption that the realtor has grown and has more experience and confidence in selling a house with less staging. It is possible she has ended her relationship with the stager for whatever reason (including that most folks wanted her to pay for it and the stager wanted to follow the trend into bigger efforts -- furniture and all, with bigger price tags). Perhaps she just had someone who said "No", "No way" and "Do you want the commission or not?"

Whatever it was, I wouldn't take it personally. It seems to be a reflection on where the realtor was, not you. And you aren't likely to hear her say, "Yeah, sorry -- I got over that," especially if you put her on the defensive. Plus -- if it's anything like it is here -- she isn't likely to be the one at the open house. So often it is a newer associate who babysits open houses while the senior realtor is out doing showings that may be more fruitful. Write your own ending to that story and move on.

I would not go. I could see all I needed to see from the listing photos. Sounds like it's really loaded for you and, if it were for me, I'd feel good for not caving in to my impulsiveness. Not sure what good could come out of this for you.

I might go but only for reminiscing. I have strong memories from each of my houses: bringing home my babies, first steps, etc.

I would not go to confront the current/your-old realtor about forced staging.

Go for the memories but leave old offenses behind. It really is in the past, and the only thing you can do differently now is move on and not use that realtor again.

Then call me creepy. I would definitely go. I would keep comments to myself but I would SO go.

I wouldn't go. The 1920's Spanish-inspired house I grew up in in CT was totally redone. My good friend's company was the one that did all of the work. He sent me an "after" picture--it is right out of MTV Cribs, complete with huge imposing black gates at the driveway. I used to be able to walk through the house from one end to the other with my eyes closed. He ruined my beautiful images. The rest of my family smartly refused to open the link.

I loved reading all the answers..made me reflect on many things.

The realtor is very experienced. Very qualified. She's selling a lot of townhouses in the same community-I usually know she's the agent just by looking at the pics)) As I said it's quite amusing.

It's the first place listed by her that I see not staged. So I'm naturally a bit shocked..Well, first, that it the one that was ours and is for sale at all, so soon..second, that it avoided the fate of all the other properties. It does intrigue me.

I think it is the case of "No", "No Way", etc, for whatever reason-and I thought it not being possible.

No, no, I'd never confront her..I think she liked working with me too:) I don't put people on defensive in general,(or so I hope. lol. maybe we should ask people)

and especially I wouldn't start quarrelling with her over that. Not quarrelling, not over that, and for sure not with her. As I said-I did respect her a lot. She was a really good realtor. But she surpised me sometimes . Just different tinking. For example I wanted to leave a postcard to the buyers on the day we left the keys, how we wish them luck in the new house and all that-and she told me "no"..she was very much "don't mix things together"..very business-like. I never saw them-but one could say they did really want the house and were nice and all-and why not to leave a postcard? What harm a postcard might do? But whatever.

I can't picture myself saying "Do you want the commmission or not?". Especially after I already started working with the person, and finding him good in general...

No.. I'm truly intrigued= how did they manage to change her usual mode? I was watching the community closely all these years (they sell a lot-as I predicted when we moved in, the demographic changes) -her mode stayed the same.

Maybe if we go and she's there-we'll just talk a bit..remember good old times lol. She won't volunteer information as far as I know her. Very reserved, well composed lady.

I think she knows I valued her a lot. I can tell her that again. And she for sure knows how upset I was about staging thing-was hard to conceal

I'm emotional, true-and the main emotion is, "wow". "WOW". As if these guys who sell now know some magic that I don't..))

I don't think I'm angry, it's in the past. And if I am it's not about staging, staging is.. eh..it's about life stuff that preceeded and followed.

But. I'm perplexed!(c)

Now that one can see all the pictures via home sales on the internet maybe not. Curiosity would have me looking but I don't know if I want to actually stand in 'my old home' and it not be mine.

You have seen the house online. Do you really want to meet face to face with the agent? YOU signed a contract with the agent (and went along with her demands) and she sold your house. Your business transaction is complete. As Elsa from Frozen sang...Let it Go.

Another thought: Most people pay big $$ for staging, not a few hundred dollars. Agent sounds a little pompous to me.

Arcy, I understand..

I had this thing with home countries. You go somewhere-and it's not yours already. You know it in your heart very clearly.. You don't belong anymore, and the country doesn't belong to you. You left each other.

Or you can go somewhere else-and you feel it's still yours. You're just not there physically. Swept off the chess board. But it still feels yours.

Yesterday I went to sleep with a sad thought that maybe something very stressful happenned to the sellers-then I can see our realtor saying "okay, let's not add to the stress, no staging", because she is a considerate person. Something big like that would prompt her to change the mode

I'd rather stay perplexed.)) ..but too late. Now I'm sad without having any idea whether something stressful happenned to them indeed, or not.

ratherbesewing, I've nothing against meeting the agent, I'd rather like to:)

I won't go just to see her, but if I happen to be there-why not

More than that-I'd use her again, under some other circumstances, I'd be just much much firmer about staging thing this time around.

She is a smart and very dedicated lady. I don't harbor bad feelings towards her, I admire her work ethics and all.

I'll never understand-why she's so hung up on this staging thing, that's true. She seemed to believe until the very end that the staging played any role in our house going for 20K (example..I don't remember the exact number) more than a comparable house.

While the comparable house was, while very clean and well maintained, less updated, and had less feeling of privacy, being situated differently.

Was our house bigger/or had it a view of the park or hills, it'd sell for more. Had we listed in the spring, it'd sell for more . Etc. I don't see what faux orchids and all other silliness had to do with that.

Our staging was several hundred dollars(I don't remember, I think 800?) because it was just bedding, accessories, art..light things. Easily movable. Obviously if we had an empty house and had to bring in furnishings-it'd be different money.

Yes they changed all our bedding...)) to polyester one because polyester one doesn't wrinkle

If one of my previous homes was having an open house I might go just to see how it looks though you can pretty much see that with the online listing photos with no need to go to an open house. And if I ran into my previous realtor I might casually say something about how staging requirements seem to have changed - only if I could say it without being bitter about it. I have a hard time imagining being upset about staging because my realtor didn't require me to do much. We moved out before the house went on the market so they told me what to take and what to leave, knowing we needed certain things in our new place to comfortably live there. It wasn't a big deal.

I say this with no malice-April you write:

"I'll never understand-why she's so hung up on this staging thing, that's true. "

But clearly YOU are really hung up on the staging thing, and it's still bothering you a great deal.

To answer the direct query, no I wouldn't go to the open house. It's for sale, you are not remotely considering buying it again and the only reason you are there is (again no malice) because you have some pretty strong unresolved resentment toward your former realtor.

And, to be very honest, the direct issue you keep bringing up, that she didn't 'make' them stage the way she 'made' you, may very well be because what the current owners have done with decor and arrangement is already more pleasing to potential buyers. That isn't particularly flattering to your decor talents, simply a reflection of what staging is and isn't. Staging is a business decision, a way for a realtor to enhance the monetary value of a property s/he is contracted to represent and sell. On that aspect, you've now stated that your house sold for well above the asking price so although you also have a lot of speculative reasons that you believe are the cause, you could just as easily ascribe it to good staging. You'll never know and the reality is, you aren't the professional. She is.

I've just gone through the process of selling a home we lived in for 30+ years. I'd touched every inch of that place. My paint, my decor, my remodeling choices, everything was finished to my taste including the arrangement of the furniture and all decorative items.

I too came home from work one afternoon after being told she and the stager would just move and shift a few things, because they both loved my decorating style. And I too walked in to see my living areas completely rearranged! I too had the house staged in a way that didn't allow me to comfortably live in it the way I always had-tv in a corner instead of situated perfectly for me to watch it, no table next to where I always sat with my coffee and laptop, and so on. I remember my husband simply couldn't get past that the stager placed a chair in a doorway--he kept saying 'that doesn't make any sense at all!'

And maybe it didn't. But it did make the house show beautifully. I remember the realtor telling me that staging is done for 2 reasons: to make the house look as large and inviting as possible and to trigger the buyer into imagining him/herself living there. She also said staging style and living style are 2 entirely separate things. Living style is how we make our house into a home. Staging style is how we turn a home in to a house someone else wants.

Sorry for the length, but on this one it seems pretty clear to me. As was said, let it go. Accept you didn't care for the staging but acknowledge it almost certainly was a positive factor in the *business transaction* you did with the realtor.

And then continue to decorate your new place however you like and enjoy it as you like ;).

I think "letting go" is a process, not a once and for all time defining moment. For me, there are still certain things that have a way of slipping back into my thoughts and I can find myself starting to wrestle with them all over again. It does get easier and fewer / farther between over time, but I understand how circumstances such as April's can cause emotions to rise, even after we've moved on. It's ok to confront those feelings again and to put them to bed again. April, I hope you feel more settled today about your old home and the experience with the realtor. Sometimes we just need to allow ourselves more time with the feelings. We're only human. ;)

oh runningplace, no, no, you misunderstood ..our house went below asking price:) It went for more than a comparable property -but it doesn't mean that it went above asking price at all)) Or even at asking price. It was late fall and elections and in short the worst time to sell.

No, we didn't get our asking price.

It's just that the other folks with same sq footage place in the same community got less than us, couple months before we listed.

No, I can assure you..whatever the current owners did is not more pleasing. Objectively so. Their furniture is too big, as simple as that. It hardly fits in the living. The style is very far cry from what the realtor's stager tried to do-it's kinda..bulky traditional. I can't share pics as I said -but here most folks would be "it's so dated"..and "take down the valance" and "your furniture is simply too big" and "why your rugs float"..folks would be on their throats.

It's not an ugly house, by no means, and people like what they like. But it is too much of very big furniture that doesn't fit, and no, it doesn't show beautifully. I myself would take some things away, whatever can be taken, so it looks like it has more place to move in between.

(it's not every room's problem, just living and family downstairs. especially living)

They already reduced the price btw. Which makes me think they had very few showings. Or they might be in a huge hurry, who knows.

I'm very unsure of my own skills in many areas..but my decorating skills are simply better. What can I say. I'm rarely sure. In this case, I'm sure .It's not modest of me, I know..

yes, yes, my realtor told me same thing-how my place is beautiful, and personal, but living is different from selling..same speech. I could repeat it to you word by word. Frankly-could be a stager myself. lol.

It didn't play any role in how much money we got.

The only proven fact about it was that I lost 7 live orchids.

I hear no malice-you're one of the kindest people here..don't worry about that

No, I'm not going to the open house, at least not today, I have no time. We're invited to a party with friends, Much more interesting.

Yes..my feelings are much more settled)) Thank you, IdaClaire..

the ones that pertain to the former place and staging I mean. Now I'm more worried about sellers..

I AM mad at myself that we moved at all..it seemed to be so very responsible decision at that time, we looked for so long, we thought we had to move..and we found a fixer upper. and that remodeling did us in..

I'd rather stay there..skip all the learning curve..circumstances changed while we remodeled, out undertaking of such huge project was detrimental to many things..it was one of my biggest mistakes..of course I was naive, I couldn't predict it all, I did it for the family..

I'll tell you what'd be better for family.

For family-would be better to have the older version of me..

our current house is lovelier of course.

I love it. Everybody does. But. I don't love my life-and on that it's indeed hard to settle..each day I'm trying and trying and trying, and it's exhausting..and I continue to try.

and I guess that's why the writing comes across as strong, and like I have unresolved issues...

it sounds like that probably because I'm grieving the loss of something that cannot be resolved because I contimue to loose very day..it gets worse and worse.

so if you hear something strong and unresolved.maybe it's there.and it's not the house. Not the previous one, not the current one..

all this housing issue just exacerbated things so much. I was an idiot..DH was an idiot as well..two idiots..

I think it all just reminded me once again-because I think of it often-about changes and how maybe our different decisions about the move could have prevented these changes..made it slower..I don't know. I'm never to know now.

Thank you dor allowing me to scream..))))

Oh, April. :( I wish I could hug you. I'm sensing regret, longing and resentment in this. I think I understand how you must feel to see your previous house un-staged as it is. It would feel like a slap in the face to me. I'd be curious about it all as well. Letting go as IdaClaire said is a process and yes, it's hard. Feel free to vent here. Huge hugs to you.

our current house is lovelier of course.

I love it. Everybody does. But. I don't love my life-and on that it's indeed hard to settle..each day I'm trying and trying and trying, and it's exhausting..and I continue to try.

so if you hear something strong and unresolved.maybe it's there.and it's not the house. Not the previous one, not the current one..

all this housing issue just exacerbated things so much. I was an idiot..DH was an idiot as well..two idiots..

Oh april, I'm so sorry. As tartan says, I wish you were closer for a real hug.

I hereby grant you (and your husband if necessary) permission to start over, starting now. We all make mistakes, and the more we make, the more we learn.

Maybe the new couple can't afford the staging. Maybe they're allergic to polyester (the polyester bedding to me is the worst part of your staging, besides the orchids). I honestly wouldn't give them too much thought -- they're doing what they need to do, for whatever their reasons are. There have been times this past week where I couldn't figure out my own husband's rationale for something, and I've lived with him for 25 years: ) .

I still have the occasional dream about my late parents' NYC apartment, where I grew up, and where they lived for almost 50 years until they died about 10 years ago. My husband, kids, and I had to empty it all in a few weeks (it was rent control). The worst dream is that we forgot to empty one of the closets or left some things behind, and then I wake up and remember that we did get everything.

The saddest part was, several months later, seeing the pics of the cheaply remodeled apartment online -- they had stripped all the lovely prewar details and made it so builder basic. I shouldn't have looked, but I was curious to see what they did. Ugh.

I would go.

I seem to be able to say goodbye to a place as my place. Immediately upon signing the papers to put it on the market I begin to disassociate myself from it. I have memories of the places I've lived and those are mine to keep. The house itself not so much.

If you tend to hang on and or tend to build resentment for a situation and tend to look back more than being in the present and planning forward into the future it will just give you more fuel for the fodder. It will make you more unhappy. It will be a trigger for you for sadness. If most of that is true I wouldn't go.

Grow lights worked very well for me for my small collection of indoor plants. Maybe you could try that for your orchids?

just also wanted to say don't forget to be very compassionate towards yourself don't forget that you wouldn't treat your best friend this way and that you should treat yourself as you would treat your best friend say every morning I have compassion for myself and if you need it forgiveness. you are not an idiot! Your husband is not an idiot! You are just letting your humanity slip show. We all have one of those.

Please remember we're the only ones who are really hard on ourselves the rest of us know that everyone makes mistakes no matter what they are.

thank you my dear people..it's me who deserves that slap..for loosing my face like that. And for being an idiot in general

*ah..and we started hardscaping at last. this Monday..and we communicated to the main guy, a very sweet guy he is, that we don't want them to come on Saturdays. But he probaly didn't commmunicate it to his team. Which I had no idea about. In short I thought I'm alone.

So I sit in my pyjamas sobbing like an idiot I am-and suddenly I see people working right in front of the windows

Hopefully they're busy enough as not to see me in my morning glory

As for the sellers. No, I'm worried about the sellers because maybe something bad happenned to them. Which is stupid-maybe something good happenned to them. Why always worst scenarios? So tired of myself, I swear

As for polyester bedding-their bedding is already polyester so it seems, so I'm sure made things easier.

Yes..I'd be sad too if I'd see great historical details and crafstmanship gone..I'd be very sad for the house

Here, the house was built in nineties and nothing special from the start. Great layout and light. Light and layout stayed)) Well almost everyrhing stayed untouched. So the house itself is alright..a bit sad that it changes hands so quickly but that's life.

The houses in my dreams are very weird ones...I often "know" where they are but otherwise they don't look like houses I knew..They can be partially filled with water...or..I don't know..they all are different and are backgrounds to some weird happennings

I do dream of strange accessories sometimes:) huge magic carpets..throws that can be folded into a small purse..ceramic animals that are alive and hide under the table when guests come..

thank you for bearing with me..

I wanted to show a listing of a very cute cottage I stumbled upon-and maybe I'll show it to you later in some other thread

yonassky I just saw you sweet comment..yes, it's very strange phenomena isn't it? to all my friends or hell even enemies I'd be kind..I'd be realisic and logical..I would never be "it's punishment for your sins"..I'd be angry as hell if somebody would even suggested it..what a load of crap...

So it's real weird how mental switch works when it comes to ourselves.

I don't think it's creepy but... if you can see rooms and decor from listing photos why would you want to? It would be interesting to see what a new owner does to your old home but... it may be the closure you need. I never want to see my old home again but long to see my grandparents home. It's on a dead end drive outside of town so I Can't even drive by.

April, I can't imagine most people actually saying "So do you want the commission or not?" Not being literal there. But it sounds like someone wanted the experienced . realtor but not the fuss os staging and was willing to hold firm. And she wanted the listing -- perhaps in part because she sold it with you and she knew it showed well and would sell well?

April, my apologies for misunderstanding you, not only about the price but about the deeper pain you are experiencing. Nobody knows anyone via an online forum, but I can say that often when I'm upset about issue A, any minor issue B that's tangentially related usually infuriates me far more than it normally would. Sounds like that may be happening with you on this situation perhaps?

I am also sorry your decision, move and new place haven't turned out to be the best options you thought they would be. All I can say is that I always tell myself I make decisions with the best knowledge I have AT THE TIME. So don't beat yourself up; you did what you thought was right with the information and plans you had available.

I also recently read about the concept of reminding yourself that we all live in our heads by telling ourselves a story, a story about life and how we make sense of it. Sometimes our story can make us very unhappy. And sometimes we can try to tell ourselves a different story. Maybe yours will be how you were detoured from being very happy with the new place until you decided it was indeed where you want to be. Worth a try perhaps ;).

I was finally able to read more of this thread and I changed my mind about you going to the open house. Don't go. IMO, you're still in mourning for the house because you moved not that long ago.

Don't blame your new house on whatever problems you have. Life will always throw us a curve ball no matter where we live.

Put your thoughts and energy into what's happening now, not the house you wish you hadn't sold. That house is eating you alive. Keep the good memories, and get rid of the what-if's.

As far as it being creepy if you were to go the the O.H., I'd have to say yes. Only because you haven't been gone for all that long and the realtor may feel very uncomfortable by your presence.

I'm telling you this from experience. About ten years ago we did a major remodel and added on to our house. Then our pets started dying, DH became majorly sick, and other things happened. I thought the land we extended our house on was haunted only because a house used to sit here over a hundred years ago and I saw a ghost in that spot at night time in the area where we added-on. I'm not a Catholic but I seriously considered having a Priest come out and bless our house.

This year I finally realized the bad things that happened would have happened anyway, and that particular stress is gone and I feel so much better! It's like stubbing your toe and screaming at the person nearest to you. It does no good.

You're already stressed/depressed about current situations, so don't make it worse because of Orchids dying, staging problems, and all the fuzzy memories you have.

Choose your battles. Do some research on how to mourn your old house, which is normal for many people, and stop fixating on it. You can't fix it anyway.

I know I come across as being blunt but since I've sorta been in your situation it's the only way I can convince you to "Let it Go." lol Hugs to you April. I know how hard it is.

Running, your last paragraph is very astute. We truly do tell ourselves stories and create our own "truths" that sometimes aren't firmly rooted in factual reality. It's a good reminder of the importance of stopping to vet the veracity of our internal narrative in an honest manner.

Ida, I just heard something like this yesterday on NPR. They were talking about CPT therapy and how to get past "thought blockers", or maybe it was "path blockers" ie, thoughts that keep you stuck in one place. The therapist had the patient challenge the veracity of these thoughts. Under a gentle spotlight of logic, these statements didn't hold up and the patient, with guidance, was able to shift the narrative to one that allowed her to move on. Running was spot on. You only know what you know at the time. Be kind to yourselves, everyone.

April, I wish you could come to Longwood Gardens in Pennsylvania where I work. We have an amazing Orchid collection and for a few days in February and in March we sell them for a song as part of our Orchid Extravaganza. That and the gardens would soothe your soul.

Jojo, what a fantastic place to work! I love Orchids. We built a large greenhouse and for the life of me I can't get them to rebloom while every other flower thrives.

Sorry to hijack, but what a cool place to work. :)

April, are you feeling better this morning?

You all are very kind as usual..you're not being blunt, and you're being very helpful

(and I'm a psycho-more than usual. But it might be my new usual. Things are moving this way)

running, I wonder whether it's one of the approaches I love the most..it was developed by Michael White if I'm not mistaken. It does sound like it.

There, one does create a story ..and picks certain bricks to build that house so to say, a house of his story..out of thousand brincks that he has, he picks hundreds -and chooses not to pick others, as to confirm his own story. While other bricks continue to be at his disposal..they don't fit. They don't fit whatever he builds, and thus he never uses them. Maybe he doesn't even see them, at times.

Sounds familiar? It might be called a narrative approach, I'm not very sure about English terminology.

And I'm desperate to continue to write my story. And I want to have some control over it. Who doesn't.

It's damn hard to do. Because my control is getting very small precisely when it had a chance to be bigger, and precisely when I sorely need it. It shrinks by the day. It shrinks and it doesn't depend on me that much already, and will depend less and less.

So I have a very little time.

I'm revisiting my past a lot, that's true, and I'm bargaining about some of "what ifs"-but I probably think too much about future right now because it comes faster than I thought it would.

And future -whatever part of the story I have yet to write-it does include the current house. Say I don't want to sell it, or to rent it, or to get rid of it. I want to keep it in the family and all. I do love it.

But it shapes to be my "forever" house too fast. Simply speaking-I don't want to die here.

And it's very hard becoming a huge burden to your family. I'll be a very big burden. I already am-bui I didn't imagine the degree of how fast it goes downhill, and what will entail. It'll get worse, and it won't be pretty. It will be ugly, and very.. non-elegant. No white camelias..

And I want to die at home. Well preferably to live and die at home, but if living is impossible then to die.

And my home is very very far away.

And for millions of people that might be a brick that they wouldn't choose. Where they're'd want to die. It's a kind of a luxury too..I'm not even sure that brick is at my disposal)) I realize all that.

Yet to me it's fundamental.

It's like to write ..well I don't know.."Wuthering Heights" and leave out Heathcliff.

My Heatchcliff is not a person, not a passion for something, not a..I don't know. Everybody and their Heathcliff.

My Heathcliff is my land.

I spent many years trying to write a different story. But that brick Is too heavy to move, I'm not taking it out.. My house of a story might be a pretty place without it. But it would be a lie. And I want authenticity.

As with a house..

And to be a burden here...very practically speaking ..lots of money too. Pain to them and torture to me- and tons of money.

I need to start leaving-well partially leaving, I'm not going to leave my family and this country once and for all, I'll have to divide my time between here and there, which will be very hard as well-I need to start leaving much faster than I thought. While l I have a capacity to do so at all. While I have my brain still computating things for me, you know? because it's not a given.

I thought whatever happens-at least to the very end I have my dignity. I can be of some minor use to my loved ones. One can still think, talk, be a rock in a sense he's there for them..

That's not how things will work in my case, not neccessarily. One needs to be of a sound mind in order to have dignity..to be a rock..to be anything at all. And mind will most likely crumble as everything else does.

I'm so so sorry to bring you into my vortex or how it's called. But there are very few people who know these details-and one of them is my husband, and the rest, I pay them money))

I don't want to make others too sad over things they cannot change-so add to it my huge effort to show everybody a different story that you write only for their sake. A story where everything looks better and holds a promise..

It's too many stories to juggle at once..))) And my fingers loose the capacity to hold a pen.

I don't mourn my old place. I mourn my old me. After all I'm to separate from her soon. She's a very questionable person of course-but I didn't have anybody else))

I do want to live in the moment

(to that end we yesterday went to the party and had fun)) we'd choose it anyway over open house lol, but you probably convinced me not to go at all. Maybe while I was writing here and reading your answers-I lost the incling to go to. Having this thread was enough )

And I do want to accept things .Desperately so. It's just hard because almost every day brings something else I have to adjust to and thus accept.

Gardens and orchids do make me happy:) Believe me I'd rather stop writing where I was at orchids' part. Totally my fault to let it slide like that.

I'm sorry about all this oversharing..I think it partially falls on you too because is easier to say certain things in English. It being not my native language. It's liberating, to a degree.

Not fair to you of course, but you're too good for your own good ..))

I should probably have to just leave it all unanswered. Yet all of you wrote to me and shared with me your thoughts and stories from the bottom of your heart. I'm giving you back something you don't need. But it's also from the bottom of my heart. Thank you..

You are fascinating people, you opened so many new stories to me, and your existence in my life-virtual or not-is also a brick that I'd rather hold on to.

April, you are loved more than you will ever know.

Thank you..how one can not feel better this morning? After you're being with me? I'm not sure about you, that pains me..but I do feel better

Of course I do.

Thank you my very dear people.

May I briefly expand on my thoughts? Obviously we are each our own private person and pick and choose among what we share of ourselves here, but you consistently open yourself to us in your beautiful writings where it is so easy to clearly glimpse the heart of you. You truly have a gift for authenticity and that is a rare thing.

I don't careful about religious beliefs, but sometimes I do stop and marvel at how each of us is so deeply treasured by not only those who surround us in this realm, but by a "great unknown" that goes far beyond our comprehension. Oh, if we only knew how much we matter, how great is our worth.

One of my favorite bands is the Icelandic Of Monsters and Men, and reading your words reminds me of their song simply titled "Human". (They tend to have weird videos with disjointed heads of non-band members lip synching their music, but I wanted to share this one as it is meant to speak of the great complex experience that it is to be human. Plus it's just pretty music. )

https://youtu.be/0EnrFe3Zb6k

May I add my thoughts. If the bricks don't fit in the house then you might need to build a gazebo.

What I mean to say and I'm not trying to be flippant is build a cozy nest in the home you have. Love the home you're with or at least try to. Gather the things around you and as many of the people as you can fit and just fill the people, animals and those objects and that place with your love.

When I feel devoid of love and compassion for myself I do my very best to act loving and compassionate to others until the practice is set in stone and then I turn it on myself. So find people that need you whether it's as much or less or more. They can be animals or people or objects even and just practice loving them. They even say and that having an invisible friend is healthy if you can't find the visible kind around.

Another trick I use is if I'm sick every which way I find the part of me that isn't sick and focus on that part. Just keep bringing my focus back on that part every single time I stop thinking about it. I write about it, I talk about it I am embracing that one healthy part and the other things are secondary. I know it sounds like la la Land but it's a way to refocus your brain on the good parts of your body otherwise you'll have more pain or anxiousness or whatever it is you have been focussing on.

Just say to yourself right now my body is telling me this. But I'm going to think about that. And continue to focus on your choices of what you want to focus on.

Does somebody need you to pay attention a bit better. does somebody need you to help to tie their shoelaces. Does somebody online need your comforting prose. Seek out ways to help others even if your abilities are only within a very limited scope.

Obviously you want to be healthy you want to not live on quicksand but you do. We all do every single one of us lives on quicksand we just don't know when we're going to sink or swim. Just try your best to focus on things you want to focus on because that's where our real power is.

Best to let it go. Put that energy toward something positive. You can look on it as a learning experience and not let anyone push you around in the future. I've had similar experiences - one with an interior designer. Took me a while to decide to fire her and get over my regret for letting her bully me into purchases I really was't too keen on.

April, I have always loved reading your posts and have long thought that you have a writer's way of expressing your thoughts. You have such a wonderfully inquisitive mind and I've found your posts to be a revelation, a gift that has touched me.

Thank you for trusting us with your hopes and fears. It's painful to see you in such turmoil and I wish I could offer you some comfort. You are indeed a treasure and have been so willing to share with us and open your soul. I wish I could give you a warm hug. I'll be thinking of you and keeping you in my heart.

Maire

April, I'm not sure what you are dealing with, but I lost my mom to Alzheimer's. She had dignity to her last breath. I hope that may give you some comfort or peace. I wish the very same for you