I can agree that a private warning is better than collapsing a chair. I still think a group announcement about fragile chairs would be less embarrassing. It's not just overweight people that should know if a chair is flimsy. Even a normal weight person who leans back or uses chair arms to hoist themselves up can damage an antique chair with the new weight distribution.

First time an advice post in Cooking has made me weepily sad.

Did a bunch of you exhaust all your love and compassion for the holidays and now just want to be hateful rather than trying to carry over that holiday spirit into your daily lives??

It sounds like the OP was kind to her guests and accommodated them, while solving her problem, and without hurting anyone or making them unwelcome. That's laudable. And a good lesson for all of us.

If you're of a judgy bent and choose to dislike people for their imperfections to the point that you don't want to offer them hospitality....PLEASE DON'T! Just don't invite them. It's better to be thought of as unyielding and inhospitable for not having the people you resent and disdain in your home, than to prove it with hypocrisy, falsely welcoming them in the door with a lying smile, radiating your scorn for them to suffer through. Just because they have well developed enough company faces that they laugh off the insults and turn a happy face to those jeering at them, doesn't mean they don't know just how cruel spirited you really are.

If the ready for magazine pictures perfection of your home is so important you can't put the crystal candy dish on a high shelf when a toddler comes in, or have a sturdy (perhaps less beautiful, non-matching and cheap) chair for a larger loved one, just get your guests from central casting.

Entertaining is supposed to be about sharing and being with people one loves, and the people that the people one loves loves. Having a lovely home is about making the people in it both physically and emotionally comfortable and happy.

If you want your home the way you want it, dangerous for everyone who doesn't look like you, whether they be large or tall or flat or small or babies or deprived of instructions in good manners, and if you feel like you must for some kind of social obligation host them, for heaven's sake rent a room at a restaurant or hotel where the staff at least will be truly interested in serving your guests and treating them well because it's their job.

even the upper end of healthy weight (210 lbs for someone 6'6")

So this guy is overweight? Charts, pffft.

See. I'm not overweight. I'm just a foot too short. ;) #perspective

Lori, I am about a foot and a half!

Good grief, the “chose to be obese” viewpoint is ignorant and simplistic. I’d caution you to research diseases like lipedema, lymphedema, and lipo-lymphedema before you start going around casting stones in a glass house. These are very real conditions that most medical practitioners know VERY little about so they are greatly under-diagnosed. These have absolutely nothing to do with diet and exercise.

Shead, That has NOTHING to do with the post.

The OP used a statement along the lines of “chose to be obese” which insinuates judgment and disdain. Therefore, she is trying to protect her belongings from people whom she judges has made poor life choices. In essence, it’s a “why should I be punished for something they’ve done wrong?” mentality. Instead of sympathizing with them and trying to accommodate them, she’s looking down at them. I’m merely suggesting that the OP realize that there are medical conditions that her guests may have causing their large size that are not their fault. Compassion, instead of disdain, might cause her to be a tad more accommodating and far less judgmental.

In several of the prior suggestions I think a lot of the awkwardness will come from how it’s presented. Pulling someone aside to whisper about which chair they should use is embarrassing. Having more than one “bariatric chair” out and making a simple passing comment like, “A bunch of our chairs are a little rickety, I think you’ll be comfortable in one of those black ones. Anyway, what can I get you to drink?” could be a very unremarkable exchange.

You cannot control how the guests will feel, regardless of the carefulness of the wording. I am am sure it will be obvious to them what you are doing by choosing their chair for them. They may take it in stride. They may be offended. As long as you are using two different style chairs and guiding their seating, you run this risk. Best of luck.....hope everyone has a sense of humor!

Believe me, obese people are already scouting the chairs and have identified their best choice. :) No one wants to break a chair!

I am sure it will be obvious to them what you are doing by choosing their chair for them.

Of course it will; if it’s not, you’ve probably failed to get your message across. My point is that there’s a world of difference between a quick passing mention, and making a big deal of it by pulling them aside and whispering it and being all awkward about it.

Believe me, obese people are already scouting the chairs and have identified their best choice.

Evidence upthread would suggest this is not always the case.

" ----- I’ve looked into buying specific ‘sacrificial’ furniture for her to use that could accommodate her size and I would not care if it got damaged (not obviously collapsing, but crushed cushions and such). Large weight is hard on furniture, even when it’s rated for it. Of course people are more important than things!------ "

Here is a chair rated for 1000 lb, not expensive at all.

https://www.churchchairs4less.com/XU-60555-BK-GG.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI68SOqfLk4QIVDRQMCh2jXQJEEAQYAiABEgLqsvD_BwE

dcarch

"Evidence upthread would suggest this is not always the case."

Well, right, I was speaking generally. There are always exceptions. Though I do think a lot of the stories above are based on assumptions about what obese people are thinking, and their motivations. I am just pointing out that I bet the vast majority of obese people don't need to be told where to sit.

As an aside, I do think chair weight limits are very, very, very conservative. I've sat on many cheap plastic and folding chairs with no problem.

Having ballooned up 40 pounds in a month while taking steroids sheads posts outlined medical problems that do happen. While some people who take steroids never gain an ounce others of us have difficulty even taking one series much less continually the way some asthmatics have to. To discount actually medical problems as some here seem to be seems to mean they either have never knew someone with that type or problem or wish any and all people with that type of problem to stay in their homes and not come out. There are medical conditions such as exercise induced asthma that prevent people from doing more than light exercise.

While I agree that most obese people certainly know the risks of sitting in unknown chairs and likely scope out the best option, some are just clueless and really think that the rest of the world is at fault for not being made for them.

I have a coworker at a who broke an office chair. It was a sturdy chair. She was obese,around 400 pounds at the time, if you believe her. Instead of just scooting around to readjust herself in the chair, she would grab the arms, raise herself up slightly, then slam back down on it. I noticed shortly after she started that the office chair was tilting. When i mentioned it to caution her that the chair might be weakening, she denied that anything was wrong with it. I think she was in denial, or maybe she was embarrassed, i don't know. I didn't accuse her of breaking it, Several people used that chair. I just asked, "Have you noticed that that chair is a little wobbly?" Sure enough, not long after, she was doing her slam down on the chair and it gave out from underneath her and she was hurt, both physically and emotionally. She spent the next month complaining about how our company is too cheap to buy quality furniture. (not true) Or how the chair was garbage, or that someone sabotaged it (paranoid much?) yadda yadda yadda.... I understand she has broken other furniture as well, in her personal life, and while she is/was AWARE of her weight,(she has lost some) does seem offended that the world has not adjusted for it. With the ever growing (NO pun intended) problem of obesity in our country and indeed in the world, it IS becoming the new norm. It is no wonder that the obese are expecting more concessions.

That being said, I am overweight, though i wouldn't consider myself a furniture breaking level of obese. I got that way because i started a sedentary job after years of constant physical activity in other jobs, and did not adjust my life to it. I ate more and moved less. That is why i am too heavy. Yes, there is a small number of people who have some medical problem that causes weight gain, either from the medication that treats it or just the condition itself. A small number. Most likely, when you see an overweight person, it is because of their lifestyle. That is in no way a license to be mean or inconsiderate to them (me included) but it is important for overweight people to recognize the true reason, not excuse it by saying that someone somewhere might possibly have some medical problem that causes massive weight gain. That is just not the case in the majority of overweight people. It's not. Luckily, through careful diet and a commitment to exercise, my extra weight is slowly coming off.

There is a reason that obesity was not such a problem in this country 50 years ago. And its not an uptick in weight gain causing diseases.

My own weight has caused me embarrassment. I ripped my pants open once at work years ago and had to sew them together in the bathroom while i waited for SO to bring me another pair. It was not because the manufacturers of the pants sucked, it was BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO SMALL FOR MY BIG BEHIND TO BE WEARING THEM! Wake up call!

In regards to the OPs dilemma, put away the chairs you are worried about and invest in a few bariatric chairs, such as the ones someone linked above. It should be obvious by the larger size who they are for. The only sticky thing that could result form that is if a "normal" weight person sits in the bigger chairs because the chairs are bigger and people do tend to do that. You can put away the chairs between visits from the "offenders." Or rent a couple if you don't want to store them. I have to say this struck me as odd. I could not imagine not being able to talk directly to any of my siblings about this issue. I get that everyone has a different family dynamic though.

My sister had this concern and it made me think. I spent 40 years in retail as an SVP of a major dept store that does carry furniture. In all those years I have never had a chair collapse story, and believe me, I have heard them all....beds are FAR more interesting! My partner is 6'4" and 250. He is a trainer and in great shape. Two of his sons played in the NFL and can tip the scales at close to 300. I think the issue is the industry standard of 200 pounds as the listed limit. They post this and we all believe this the max....I am not suggesting to put a big person in a small antique chair, but I would caution that we are a very litiginous society and the manufacturers post a limit to protect themselves. It has never occurred to me my family could not sit in our chairs, nor has it been a problem.

Why the hell would you invite anyone into your home that you held such contempt for, Opalone?

Perhaps your invitations should have stated the approved weight limit for your guests.

Side story: I was helping my BIL lay some tile at a friend of my moms' house. The woman was at home and all of us were chatting. Out of the blue,she asked me "Amy have you ever heard of the Woman Within catalog? It's got clothes for big women, like you and me!"

It didnt offend me, as I AM bigger,and I am really really hard to offend in general but my BIL noticeably ducked and covered his head like armageddon was coming! LOL! My sister, his wife, would likely have burst into tears at that comment.... You never know what reaction you're going to get. You just have to do your best.

"Jane, I thought you might be comfortable in that chair at the end. Would that spot work for you?"

Lyndee, you make some great points. I shall be pondering on your point of view for awhile. I think that almost everyone, no matter how they approach the problem, pretty much agrees on many aspects of the issues. I like your direct, but not offensive approach. It seems very reasonable, and you are correct, that I won't allow smoking in my home, either. When the kids were younger, and I didn't like what how a playdate was behaving, I used to say "Ok kids, we don't throw the Nerf guns, we only shoot each other with them." My intent being not to single anyone (the playdate) out for unnecessary roughness. I think that many of you have that same approach with guests, and I appreciate your points.

Edited to say: I think a lot of people here made good points.

I have a very VERY good friend. We have been friends for about 45 years and i have watched her get bigger and bigger. she can no longer get out and spends almost all her time in a recliner.
But when she could get out, she was very aware of what would hold her and what would not. When she came to my house she would sit in the Loveseat...and there would be no room for anyone else. I sat her in the armed host chair at the table. Her thighs oozed out the sides of the open arms, and as soon as we finished the meal, she would say can we have coffee in the family room....and back to the love seat. For about 20 years she has not been able to fly, nor go to a movie or the theater. For about 15 years they had a Lincoln navigator, but now she can't get into it, so her husband bought some sedan that she is more comfortable in. Her house is filled with antique furniture and up until this last 50 to 75 pounds, it accomodated her well for short sits. Big people are not comfortable in little chairs.
I guess my point in all this is that huge people recognize their size and don't want to fall through a chair. And your worry about your antique chairs is likely unfounded unless they are really rickety. Old walnut and oak chairs are very sturdy!

BUT just don't even THINK of tilting back on the rear legs of any chair in my house!!! No chair is built for that kind of strain on it's joints!

I'm 6 foot 1 and 210 pounds. I've been guided over to more stable chairs.

I'd rather that, than truly embarrassing myself by having the chair collapse under me in public. (I'd usually want to pick a sturdier chair anyway, but the recent case in point involved a chair that looked sturdy but needed mending. )

Hmmm. I was going to say I’m 230, for which at my height the charts put me solidly in the obese zone. I don’t disagree that I’ve got a bunch of weight to lose; coincidentally my cardiologist reminded me of this yesterday morning. I certainly wouldn’t sit in some frail looking antique, but overall I’d say even at my weight if a chair isn’t safe to hold me then it should probably be put away for company. 40% of American males weigh over 200. But yes, if someone wanted to steer me away from a chair I wouldn’t think twice other than to be thankful for having been saved the embarrassment of breaking it.

I have a friend who went to a restaurant with a large group of us friends. She could not fit in the booth. Her husband asked if they had a chair they could put at the end of the table "so they could all fit in". They brought out a large, heavy wooden chair from the kitchen and it sat out in the aisle with my friend eating dinner. It was an obstacle for others trying to get down the aisle and it was obvious that people were staring. She left there enraged that they embarrassed her ( Not really, they did the best they could ) and that they needed to have booths that fit people of all sizes not just people she called "small". She wrote them a hateful review online. She sees herself as typical and others as small. Perspective, I guess.

We now only go to restaurants with tables with this couple.

Well said: plllog, post starting with "First time an advice post in Cooking has made me weepily sad." and Storybook Home for addressing this: "Just to address the ‘putting away the chairs’ suggestions, those of us with smaller homes and limited storage do not always have that option."

I didn't notice this was posted outside the cooking forum. A lot of people attacking each other, and I feel that sometimes people use words or terms that others find offensive, but they don't mean it that way. Or perhaps they do, but I also know we ALL can learn, no matter our age. To attack someone for a statement has little affect other than showing your displeasure, which is anyone's right, IMO, however I find it far more beneficial to politely suggest there is a better way to see things, to word things, to think about things, and can turn into a learning experience. For all. If not immediately, perhaps sometime later.

I think most everyone has a good point to offer here... some people know the best seating suited for them; others don't. Some will not be offended by a kind gesture and thoughtful comment; others will hurt no matter how subtle the comment. Some people keep casual homes, others have antiques or delicate items (and I would never presume to tell anyone how to decorate or furnish their home), and there will always be those who know how to treat a host's home, and those that don't. Thankfully, we are all different - unique, but in the end I think every poster here would never purposefully exclude a friend or wish to hurt a guest's feelings in any way.

I think many here would be very surprised to see just how many morbidly obese people are shocked to hear that they are morbidly obese (my experience in discussions centered around health issues related to the obesity). Even large weight gains can "sneak up" on people; I think self image doesn't necessarily adjust to reality always. And so it has happened that some patients and families have expressed upset or denied the need at having bariatric equipment brought for their use.

I have become aware of other issues with furniture, particular those pieces for comfort sitting, not dining. When my husband had his hip replacement a couple of years ago, we had to do some emergency shopping for seating that he could safely use. Everything we had (other than dining chairs) was too low slung and soft for anyone with hip or back or knee (or weight) problems to get in and out of!

Sister and son are both obese. We have to go to places with tables so everyone can sit comfortably. Son has broken a few chairs sister has not. The excess weight is known by both of them and embarrassing. Both son and sister are disabled. Sister has heart and breathing problems. Plus a very big sweet tooth. She is mentally disabled as well.

Son has a great deal of difficulty exercising due to his disabilities and hypoglycemia has made it even worse. He is very aware of sitting in a chair as as I said he has broken two chairs. Not irreparably though. We shored up those two chairs with metal braces and they continue to work for us.

It is incredible see how prevalent obesity now is in the world but not surprising. There are so many reasons why we are tipping the scales and they all needed to be dealt with on an individual basis. While we wish it weren't the case IMHO this must be dealt with sensitively and sensibly at the same time.

I have never broken a chair but my poor brother broke 2 wooden chairs in my house. My nieces who I was caring for at the time had a bad habit of putting their feet on the bottom rung of the chair that helps support it. Not noticing that they broke and removed the cross piece in a few of the chairs my brother sat down and the chair collapsed under him. One time though, once I realized he didn't get hurt, he had just received news a few minutes before his ex wife suddenly passed away and he sat down to start making arrangements when the chair broke and he fell back, his head just missing the sharp edge of the oven drawer. To add a little levity to the sad situation and his fall I said it was his wife on her way out giving him a swift kick. Elizabeth, I don't like sitting in booths at restaurants, not because they are too small but because I feel like I am sitting too low. I have long legs and a short body and when I sit in a booth I feel like I am sitting with my chin on the table and I also have a bad knee so getting up from a lower position is not good for me. I wouldn't be upset if someone directed me to a better suited chair at their home. I did that at my home many times to others before I got my new chairs because I knew what chairs were not safe to sit in, for any sized person.

Just a quick reply to Tigereye .... I didn't say it was my brother. It's a nephew-ish type (long story) and yes ... I wouldn't have to invite him if I didn't want to.

I am 5'6 and 138 lbs. Was shocked to read in my chart note that I am mildly obese!

I noticed that a poster mentioned hypothyroidism as a common cause of excess weight gain. This is a symptom of the disease that occurs in those either not treated or incorrectly treated. Unfortunately, as I know first-hand, few physicians make any effort to provide effective treatment for their hypothyroid patients. The only way I obtained effective treatment was through research and firing incompetent physicians. I hope this encourages any that are in the same situation to persevere and get proper treatment that reverses the weight gain.

Sorry for not replying sooner. Rather busy day yesterday.

I'm quite surprised by the vitriol in this thread.

"opaone .... since you seem to know Everything ...... why bother posting ? I just think you are rude. Just because you write about it - doesn't mean you're an expert.

*** Who wants to go with me and jump all over her precious chairs ? LOL"

Really? Destroy my chairs? What did I say to cause this? And then two people 'liked' this?

"Why the hell would you invite anyone into your home that you held such contempt for, Opalone?"

Where did I say or imply that I hold anyone in contempt?

Two of these obese guests are also two good friends who I enjoy spending time with and hold no contempt for whatsoever. To the contrary, I actually hold them in some esteem for their good character.

Why would I want them embarrassed by having a chair break from under them? Or worse, hurt by that happening? As well, just because they are friends, why would I let them damage our furniture? I'd never let broken furniture affect our friendship, but just the same I'd prefer for our furniture not to be broken.

If I held them in contempt I'd not have bothered to ask for suggestions on how best to deal with things.

Even with the one whom I don't really care for that much, I also don't want her hurt - emotionally or physically.

Even those with small houses could move their precious chairs into a bedroom for the duration of a party.

"I guess I pictured an announcement more like "some of our chairs are antique, and I can't assure their stability so use at your own risk!" That wouldn't offend me as it could apply to overweight people or tall people or older people who need some stable chairs or even wiggly children.

I feel like being pulled aside and being told that the hostess doesn't want me to use their antique chairs would be way worse."

One problem with this is when to make an announcement like this? Everyone doesn't suddenly show up at 7pm so make the announcement at 7:05. People arrive across a broad bit of time. Specifically to Easter, one of our obese guests didn't arrive until about an hour after the other two.

As well, with 30 people spread out throughout the house and outside, getting everyone together for such a public announcement would be difficult and possibly awkward.

There was another comment somewhere in this thread with a suggested wording that if I were on the receiving end would consider condescending. Personally I prefer honest and direct (and tactful) to dancing around the bush condescending. Even though they may not proactively think about their weight in relation to how much weight some bit of furniture can support, they do know that they are overweight so there is no need to dance around it.

And then what would people sit on, Hot Rod?

Opalone simply said, she has chairs which, if particular guests sat on, might not be up to the task and she was concerned those guests might be embarrassed or injured. How could she tactfully direct them to safe chairs without having assigned seating, which she wished to avoid?

Nowhere did she say the chairs were more important than the guests, but she did want to avoid injury/embarrassment to her guests and hopefully keep the chairs intact as a bonus.

Now, I don’t know about anyone else here, but if I had someone who only visited once or twice a year who couldn’t sit on my normal chairs, I wouldn’t be rushing out to replace them all. Who can afford that? Who has the space to store two complete sets of chairs so you can have the normal set in the dining room and then switch them all out to accommodate one or two very occasional visitors?

I can’t help but feel the righteous indignation displayed in some of the replies here has at its heart some kind of embarrassment about their own weight had by the writers. And before you all swoop down on me like a pack of harpies, I’ll be upfront: I am morbidly obese. I weigh 280lbs. This is a choice because if I didn’t eat the things that give me pleasure and exercised my butt off (literally), when I loathe exercise, I would slowly lose weight. If someone said to me discreetly, “I think you’d be more comfortable in this chair,” or even “I don’t think that chair is up to your weight,” I would not be offended, because it’s a statement of fact, not a judgment.

Duh - the OTHER chairs?

"Even those with small houses could move their precious chairs into a bedroom for the duration of a party."

The older furniture that we've been told will not support obese people's weight includes 10 dining chairs, 3 arm chairs, 1 love seat and 1 sofa. Space is an issue, time to move it all is an issue, and my aging body is an issue.

Further, any seating moved out requires temporary seating moved in. Just replacing the above is another 18 chairs. And if they are all to be sufficiently sturdy for the most obese then they are large, heavy to carry, somewhat expensive, and they to require storage.

But more so, why do all of this just to avoid a mildly awkward conversation?

Duh, Hot Rod, _what_ “other chairs “? Who has two complete housefuls of chairs to switch out depending on the company?

You should have a scale by your door to check weight, insist people bring their inoculation records that you can examine to be sure they're not delinquent nor potential carriers of disease, a police clearance, and insist they pass through a metal detector. Only in this way can you be sure you and your vital possessions will be safe and that no special efforts will be required when there are visitors and that no undesirables will come.

Duh colleenoz - rent suitable chairs. I'm baffled by the attachment to ancient, rickety pieces of furniture. hahaha

Frankly, I don't want people to move chairs out of a room for me. I'm not a special case, despite height and those aforementioned 210 pounds. Unless something is truly in non obvious sad shape, I can figure things out myself. And I'm quite happy with someone openly saying, "you might prefer this chair." Being singled out and taken aside, yeah, I'd not be angry but I'd think it kinda weird. Be politely direct! "You might find this chair or that most suitable"...

And right now, due to my bad knees and my height, I'm truly thankful for those who guide me (openly or whatever) to taller, less flumphy seating that I can get out of without grunting and grasping and whatever. You can't always tell about flumphy seating until you are stuck DOWN in it!

The only chairs ever broken in my homes were due to people leaning back and tilting in them. Their weights (the people, not the chairs) were average. Yes, THOSE do break easily. So, folks, NO tilting! (Yes, folks, 3 chairs and one outdoor white resin chair. Two of those three were broken by the same person. Couldn't exclude him because he was part of our spiritual group, nor did I particularly want to.)

PS: the white resin chair spent a few winters outdoors, I don't think winter treats them well. So no issue there at all, I'm just glad that no one was hurt.

It sounds as if the deed is done. Obviously, none of us can know the tone of voice and facial expressions conveyed with this message or how the message was received. We can second guess the manner you used all day long but it won't change anything now. Hopefully, this won't be the incident whispered about at your funeral :)

The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe scattering a few "extra chairs" around and saying something to the entire group like, "These rickety ol' things.....I'm always afraid they are going collapse every time I sit in them.....hopefully they don't fall apart on us as we eat....if anyone feels more comfortable in the other chairs, feel free to pull those into the table" might be more tactful and less abrasive. Maybe even whispering to someone that sits in the chairs that are meant for your heavier guests that you're saving those for so-and-so with a wink would make sure the chair(s) stay open for those who need them. There are certainly ways to discreetly manipulate circumstances ;)

Benches. We use them for family gatherings all the time. They serve a dual purpose in that they are sturdy for the larger folks and we can seat more people to the table. We don't have to hurt anyone's feelings, everyone sits together in the same manner, kids, grandparents, heavy, and skinny.

Well, uh, I'm a heavy guy, 215 lbs, and sometimes it is my guests whose eyebrows fly up as they try to direct me to another chair. You see, in the very small living room of our very small house we have a chair like this.

In your house, direct me to any chair you want. It'll be okay.

matthias, I adore your sense of humor (and oh yes, I remember those chairs but mostly that color!), and clearly you have a healthy self-esteem... what a wonderful world if we all were all so comfortable in our own skins, and confident in ourselves : ) Thanks the for 'bright' post!