Hi Karin, I think you make an interesting point about this forum and garden coaching, and your most recent comment reminded me to post about it - I was kind of waiting to see where the whole thread was going - but it seems like for the most part we are all in agreement about this one. The point you made was: " Coaching describes beautifully what I think many of us non-designers but experienced gardeners do here on the forum - trying to help people identify and achieve their vision. Contrast this with trying to land a gig articulating that vision for them, which most homeowners are not, and never will be, in the market for." I believe you are correct in your first sentence and I think that aspect of this forum can be very valuable to the people seeking advice here. Unfortunately, I disagree that most posters here are looking for "vision". Most of the questions here are seeking answers like "prune this, hide that." Its different than an overall vision for a landscape. I disagree with the second sentence - and you corrected yourself- but to be honest it is difficult to take the time to post on this forum about something that is as uninteresting to me as "how do you hide your hose?" As David says, I try to only post when I have something to contribute, or when the topic interests me. A similar concept applies to business. I know it is hard sometimes for people to understand but I AM IN BUSINESS. There are a lot of people who design and maintain in my area who clearly are not making enough money to have a viable business. Occasionally I have had someone who is new to design/maintenance who tries to compete with my company. For the most part, my clients get the fact that not understanding enough about the numbers (meaning you don't charge enough to cover your expenses) means you won't be in business for very long. Occasionally someone opts for the cheaper option, but almost 90% of the time they come back to the quality, insured, professional, well run business. As mentioned by other posters, I am confident enough in my skills to not worry about that very much. The other thing, that is probably not okay to say, but honestly, the majority of landscapes suck. Really. There is so little example of good landscape in my area that most people have no idea what is aesthetically pleasing or why that might be enhancing to their lives. I think that is just as prevalent on this forum, but at least the people who post here ARE desiring something better. They may not know what that is, however. If I feel like someone may be receptive to actually moving their garden to another level I am very interested. If a poster is asking a tiny question about their entirely awful landscape, I really don't have a lot of interest in answering the question. I am so sorry that it comes across as snobby, but its really not a matter of snobbery, but of interest, particularly when my time is limited. I really like how you, Karin, keep the finger on the pulse of what is happening on the forum. I have said it before, but to reiterate, I pay too little attention to the dynamics. I appreciate you bringing things back around. Do you think this is my longest post ever? It may be:)

i don't think I would switch him from the team. I think that would give the wrong message to him and the other boys would find fault with him. Thoughts about this -- First, if you didn't try to fix the problem and just removed him from the team, I agree that would send the wrong message. That you run away from a problem and don't address it. However, if you attempt to address it and it does not get resolved, then you leave the team. IMO, this sends the message that you tried to fix the problem but you cannot control others, and you will not let your son be abused in this manner. I am not sure how this can be the wrong message. If you worked for a company where you boss was abusive, and the company wouldn't change it, would you stay? Or would you find a new job? About going to the coach instead of the board -- I would bet that this coach has heard this before. If this is how he coaches, I doubt it just suddenly appeared this season. There were probably parents in the past that said something to him. In my experience, they do not think they are doing anything wrong. In fact, they think they are toughening up the kids and teaching them how to win. You talking to him (or writing letter) will do nothing to change his behavior, IMO. I could be wrong, of course. Everyone is different. But, in my experience, they think they know better and you're just babying your son. Believe me I've heard it all from the coach, the coach's wife and other parents. On the other hand, I had parents tell us they were impressed with what we did. I think the only thing that will change his behavior is the threat of losing his team by his bosses (the board). I don't know if your board will do that. It won't change what the coach thinks is the right way to coach, but it might make him temper his words to avoid losing the team. Having our son leave the team he'd play with for 3 years was hard. He was playing with all his friends in town. But, we knew we couldn't leave him in that situation. And he had finally had enough of the abuse and without prompting from us, he said he wouldn't play for him anymore. My son is now 13, so we've been gone from that team for 3 full seasons. Best thing we ever did. He's played for some really wonderful coaches. And some bad coaches too. But, he's learned that not everyone is like that. And he's met some great kids from outside town. I'm not trying to minimize how hard it was. I was sick over it for a long time. It made me so angry that we were forced to leave a team where his friends played because the coach was a jerk, and the town wouldn't do anything about it. It still makes me angry! But, in the end it was a good thing. My son learned baseball from other coaches and organizations we've played for and is a better player for it. It has also taught him to deal with situations of being the new kid on the team. For some kids, this is easy. My son is not outgoing and that is not an easy thing for him. But, on every team he has made friends and I think he's learned that even though he's uncomfortable in that situation, he can handle it. Another good life lesson. I apologize for my long rants on this. I am so passionate about this. Youth sports is a strange place. We've had some awful coaches and some wonderful coaches. And the parents! Don't get me started on the parents. Some are as bad or worse than the bad coaches. But, I've also made some wonderful life-long friends through my son playing. My DH and I and another family (that also left town at the same time), are always saying we should create a reality TV show - "Travel Ball". You would not believe the things we've heard, mostly from parents, on the sidelines of games.

how does on not get defensive when receiving, say, "feedback"? Try to focus on the intent of the comment, consider the meaning and count to 10 before you respond. Stay focused on the issue and resolving it. When you see the discussion go in the wrong direction, stop and bring it back or let it go for now. Let yourself be distanced, focus on the problem you are trying to resolve, not the specific words in the feedback. -What are the "tricks" you use to keep your cool Count to 10, sing or play music, tickle the kids, get myself and everyone else laughing somehow. Sometimes I still lose my cool. Sometimes I regret it. Sometimes I think kids need to learn that you can only push someone so far. If you keep pushing buttons after you crossed the line, the person is going to get very angry at you. It's a life lesson. I can't send them into the world expecting everyone to put up with their crap. I don't hurt them, I just scare them a little once in a while, so better they learn it from me. I don't think that's wrong if it's kept to a minimum. (Some people tell me I'm cynical. LOL) -What strategies do you use when you see your husband/wife/partner slipping on issues you have together agreed upon previously? Well, DH and I don't have a list of situations/responses that we plan. I mean, we don't have a "Always give X number warnings" or "Time out must be exactly X minutes" or other official rules like that with each other. We just make an effort to be consistent, if it's a rule it's always a rule not just when we're in a bad mood. If I think he's "doing it wrong" I might say "Wait a second" or "Slow down" or "Do you mean that?" But mostly, I think saying anything would only make things go from bad to worse. So I let it go, walk away if I'm having trouble containing myself. It's better for him to screw it up alone than to have a divided front. A few times, DS come to me later and says something about Dad being unfair. I tell him to take it up with Dad. I won't take DS's side or let him whine to me. (He's 13 now, but even at 7-8 I would tell him that.) Sometimes DS does go talk to to DH and they work it out. That's what I think should happen. We sometimes talk about a discipline situation later, ok, if I bring it up. ;o) I will tell him when we're alone if I think he hurt the kids' feelings because his response was out of his own bad day not just the kids' behavior. If it's just not how *I* would have done it, but it worked out anyway, I forget about it or take a lesson. If I liked how he handled something, I tell him that, too. That happens more often with DS#1, being a young teen boy sometimes he relates better to DH than to me. I swear, sometimes I can say the exact same thing but he hears it different from DH and it works better. -What about disciplining? How do you share the load where one parent doesn't always have to feel like the one reining in the children? When they're little, I do most of it. But, I'm a SAHM mom with strong opinions, so I'm there most often, and tend to keep my control even after DH gets home. The pick up your toys, don't hit your sister, sit down at the table kind of stuff I've just jumped in and handled. I think now that DS#1 and #2 are getting older (13 and 10) their behavior is fine on the manners and routine stuff. They step out of line with respect, attitude, etc. Stuff that is more vague, more situational or subjective. You know, "Don't use that tone with me!" They get sarcastic, walk right on the line of disrespect, testing the line. It's harder and takes both of us! I think DH and I have become much more of a team now that we're into the pre-teen and teen ages. Sometimes DH gets home and I tell him about what DS#1 said or did, what priveledge I might have taken away..get him updated.. then say "You need to take him for a walk." I ask DH to back me up with a man-to-man chat about how men should behave. None of that was any master plan, just instinct, for what it's worth. Just a gut feeling when DH needs to be involved, as a father to a son in a way a mother is not. If I let myself, I'd be the one always reining in the children. When it happens that a mother is the one doing all the reining, I don't think it's always b/c the father won't step in. Sometimes I think the mother doesn't back off let dad do it. Pretty soon, a habit is formed where dad thinks mom wants to be in charge. Just like men not helping with household chores, b/c when they do the woman hovers and want him to do it "her way." I'm not saying that's what is happening with you, I'm not there, I couldn't know. Just throwing my 2 cents out there for consideration. I know I'm guilty of thinking that way, handling a child situation myself because, I confess, I want it done my way. Though the truth is, DH's way would be fine, too. Maybe I'm deluded, I don't think moms and dads need to agree and take the same approach, just agree on the same rules. Sometimes it works out best that DH and I approach the kids' discipline differently. I think the kids can adjust from one parent to the other with no problem if the basic rules are consistent. There are probably some exceptions, but I'm not going to try to think them up right now. DH and I both believe that philosophy of "Pick your battles." But sometimes we don't agree on the battles. Right now it's DS#1's hair, he's 13. DS wants to let it grow, and right now it's halfway to his shoulders, all soft and fluffy and blonde, it's actually sort of cute ;o) I think the girls like it. DH would tie him down and have it cut if he thought I was on board. IMO, DH feels like he is judged as a parent for letting his son wear shaggy hair. I think it's a battle that doesn't need fought and don't care if people judge b/c I know he's a great kid under his hair. We have agreed that if DS's gets a C on his report card, his hair gets cut. If he can control his academics and his behavior, he can control his hair. If he shows he cannot, he can't control the hair either. He never gets in trouble at school for behavior (hope I didn't just jinx that), but he has 1 class in particular that he doesn't try his best on his work this year. Having said all that, I do agree with the other posters about 4 warnings. That's just you post-poning the inevitable. That must be exhausting. If they get 4 warnings, they'll use all 4. If the get 1, they'll learn to get it the first time. I count backwards, starting at 3 or 5 or 10 depending on how much time it takes to do what I've told them to do. 3 to put the breakable down, 10 to get the scooter from the end of the driveway and put it in the garage... 3 to drop the fork and step away from the fruit bowl ;o) Sometimes I ask a question to get them to tell me what they should be doing. I find it more effective to ask "Where do YOU think you should put your shoes?" than "Put the shoes away" and way more effective than yelling about it. I learned that from a teacher of DS's. So you could ask "How should you eat that fruit?" And they'll tell themselves to get a bowl. Instead of repeating a direction that didn't get followed the first time I ask "What are you supposed to be doing?" Kids like to feel like they're making their own choices. I like to make them *think* they are! You're doing a good job. You must be exhausted. I remember how I felt trying to parent while pregnant, especially the first couple months and the last couple months. I was just too tired to do things the way I wanted to do them. I let a lot of things go I wouldn't normally have. The first couple months with a new baby were at least as hard. But I remember a time when I actually said to my kids, "Watch out, Mommy is back!" It was a tough adjustment, we lost focus sometimes because we were just too tired to focus. But got it back soon, we just have to. There is so much to this subject I could discuss it for pages. Since discipline is ever so much more than behavior, rules and consequences. It gets into school, study habits, participation in activities. Discipline is teaching, not punishing, so we're doing it with every decision we make for our kids. I think when DH and I are talking and deciding about whether to move DD up to the next level in gymnastics, or what math class DS should take in 9th grade, that is just as much about their life long discipline as the habit of leaving the scooter in the driveway or sneaking chips to his bedroom. Sorry about this whole chapter, sometimes I have a lot to say. Thanks for bearing with me to the end. ;o)

My observations and experiences (none of them for myself) have been similar to what Feathers has observed. I have also known 2 people have gone through the certification process and are career Life Coaches -- in both cases, they were people who had floundered a bit in their own careers and life to some degree. They were enthusiastic and upbeat but I don't think I would have benefitted from their services. I am SURE there are great resources out there but as in any service industry, there are many who are not. Personally, I have had the best experience with mentors-- other than in college, my mentors were almost always successful women in my industry. How do you find a mentor? Well.. I was super lucky that they each took an in interest in me. I have set up some of my own employees with mentors but not so sure how to seek one out. I guess that was a whole lot of no help... but maybe the family member has someone in their organization that they can reach out to and request a mentorship? or see if there are organizations or local groups that provide mentorships. My area has a number of local professional groups: women in business, young professionals (all genders), women in technology, etc. For financial help, I would be inclined to work with a Financial Advisor. I wish I had at a much younger age! Not dissing the whole career coach industry-- but I think targeted help would be MY preference.