What say you about a husband...........

dandyrandylou

who may never have "cheated" by having sex with someone else but constantly encouraged and involved himself in emotional affairs with women in every walk of his life??

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dandyfopp

I would say he cares more for himself than he cares for me or our marriage.

If this has happened to you I am sorry.

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Elizabeth

I would say he is a serial cheater and one would be wise to be rid of him.

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llucy

I would ask why do you want to stay married to him?

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maifleur01

I would wonder if you have a listener as a husband. There are some people like myself until I learned how to shut the conversations down that people would tell problems to that they would never speak to another about. The difference would be if your husband tried repeatedly to solve the same persons problems repeatedly. Some people think helping makes the a better person when all they are doing is enabling that person to never be strong. My husband's family has a lot of the second type. Then you have to try to set boundaries. Then you have to decide if staying is worth it.

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Rita / Bring Back Sophie 4 Real

I would have to understand what an emotional affaire with another woman was. Does it mean your husband cares about another woman's day-to-day life, showing concern for her children or parents or career? Or does it mean your husband is involved in another woman's day-to-day life, participating in events, planning the future, and sharing his personal life reciprocally. The former would be fine with me, the latter unacceptable. I am a fairly private person and I would not tolerate my husband involving himself or our family in outsider's life to that extent. If my husband were simply concerned about someone else, that would be fine.

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live_wire_oak

Wrong forum. Unless it's about Trump. Melanie, is that you? Nah, because physical is frequent and tawdry there. More like Mother Pence. Gotta chaperone everything or disaster happens.

https://www.gardenweb.com/discussions/marriage

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Lars(Z11a, Sunset 24)

What if it were men that he was involving himself with regarding the emotional affairs? As long as it is platonic, I cannot see a problem, and I believe that one should not restrict friendships by gender.

Are these women trying to affairs with him? If so, that is a different story, but as long as they are only friends, then he is doing nothing wrong.

I have a friend who stares at every woman on the street who is wearing a slutty outfit (and in L.A. there are plenty of those), and I told him that if he lusted for these women that that was being unfaithful to his wife. He told me that staring was not cheating, but I find that more offensive than helping women with their problems.

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Ziemia(6a)

Possibly a problem - however the details of an "emotional affair" are missing.

Though, with them bothering you and with him not caring how they impact you (if this is the case) - a big disconnect exists.

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dragonflywings42

If my husband is giving all his time, attention, and energy to someone else then that would feel like cheating without the sexual component and I wouldn't be able to stay in that situation.

However, I have a female friend who gets upset if her husband has a friend who is a woman - she says that men are not able to have female friends. I don't agree with that since I am a woman and I have male friends and my husband has friends who are women, but there is nothing there except friendship.

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Zeus

I have male and female friends who I care about that aren't a part of my husband's life and my husband has male and female friends who aren't a part of my life.

I don't get the question. Unless, perhaps, the husband is giving no emotional support to the wife.

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dandyfopp


live_wire_oak

Wrong forum. Unless it's about Trump. Melanie, is that you?


It isn't Donnie.

Unless the emotional affair is with himself.

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mayflowers

It's an affair when they hide the "friendship" from their spouse. It's just as devastating as a sexual affair. They do it for the excitement or to build their ego and they tell themselves they aren't cheating because it doesn't involve sex. However it can very easily turn into a sexual affair.

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purrmich_7_

I've met these guys and they were friends. And still are, except the requests for phone calls ((only at his office) was the Big Clue and that relationship got trimmed back.

I think it's a very common thing. A female friend went thru a period of her life where she had 'boyfriends' (emotional only) as her husband called them. They had a long and good history otherwise and her 'phase' passed. Although I lost some respect for her.

You have to decide and discern if the marriage is worth saving. And he has to be the best friend to you, not other people.

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dandyrandylou

"Emotional affairs" was my choice of words in an effort to explain how this husband treated women outside of the marriage by coming on to them in various personal ways of his own until they believed they were special to him (apparently didn't take much). So many women! As mentioned - in every phase of his life this was a constant, and still chokes me at the thought.

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Kathy

Encouraged and involved are the key words for me. My first question is why? Is he a problem solver gone wrong? Do the women get stronger and move on or are these long term emotional affairs?

Is he there for his partner emotionally and physically? or do these women take priority? Is he too involved in your opinion taking time away from his partner and family?

There’s a lot to consider if there is a family. If youmor the other person is not married to him now, I would seriously consider stepping away.

edited to take out personal comments

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Pidge_

There are apparently all kinds of male abuse of women. I hadn't even thought about this kind. Sounds so creepy.


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mrskjun(9)

If you want to save your marriage then professional counseling is in order. I don't think anyone on HT has the answers.

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Zalco/bring back Sophie!

Yuck. Sayonara, mister!

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miss lindsey (still misses Sophie)(8a)

This sounds a lot like grooming. For what purpose, only the man could say though I doubt he will.

I say this type of person only changes toward worsening and this is not a situation I would tolerate. However the discussion in this type of forum is purely academic.

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foodonastump

Has it been addressed? Addressing it may or may not change the behavior; if it doesn’t, the resentment will be greater. Wife needs to be prepared for that possibility.

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maifleur01

I have two male friends that have been my emotional support for about the last five years. Without them I would be a total emotional wreck. Do I want to get in their pants? No. They are real friends.

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Kitchenwitch111

Emotional affairs like having a crush on other women? Romantic feelings?

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hericles

Wrong forum. Unless it's about Trump.

I agree.

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marquest(PA zone 6)

Sounds like you have a rescue ranger. If you are not comfortable regardless if it is his personality it is not a healthy relationship for both of you. Both parties have to be happy in a relationship.


If he is a Rescuer he will not be happy because it is what he enjoys if you are able to stop the Rescues. You will not be happy because he will not be the man you met once because he is not doing what makes him happy..


I would leave and find what I want. Life is to short to be miserable in a relationship.

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mayflowers

Emotional affairs aren't friendships. They're intimate relationships without the sex and they are a betrayal of your spouse.

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miss lindsey (still misses Sophie)(8a)

@dandyrandylou, it just occurred to me that a person could use a thread like this as ammunition or "proof" to someone whom they are trying to convince of a problem. If it's your plan to use our replies to try to get someone to see that she is in a bad relationship or that he is making mistakes in his relationships with women, please rethink that.

I can speak from experience and education, people are rarely receptive of such "proof." You are more likely to damage your relationship with the someone in question than you are to change the behaviour.

In my experience the best course of action is to tell her: "You deserve to be happy and healthy. You haven't done anything to deserve neglect. I am here to support you when you need it. How can I help you?"

It sounds like you don't give this guy the benefit of the doubt and you surely have your reasons, but if you think he might have good intentions despite his misguided (in your eyes) actions you could tell him "Please be very careful with your interactions with women. I've noticed they respond well to you and it would be tragic if things went too far emotionally or physically." Of course if you know him to be a cad do not say that to him!

If the someone in question is in fact you: You deserve to be happy and healthy. You haven't done anything to deserve neglect. I hope you have a real life support system who can help; lean on them. :)

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dandyrandylou

mayflowers - you have said it in a nutshell. Thank you. And thank everyone who expressed an opinion. This relationship is long over; however it sticks in my craw (sp?) which I realize is my problem. Some hurts never leave us and this one made me feel damaged at the time, and now just makes me feel angry. Angry at him, angry at myself for putting up with it, and angry at all the women who so easily fell for the pattern knowing it was morally questionable.

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mayflowers

I've been there too, dandy. Families were destroyed and children's lives were ripped apart because of two selfish people. I'm no longer angry for myself though. It was a blessing in disguise because I would have never left my unhappy marriage otherwise.

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mtnrdredux_gw

"Emotional affairs" was my choice of words in an effort to explain how this husband treated women outside of the marriage by coming on to them in various personal ways of his own until they believed they were special to him (apparently didn't take much). So many women! As mentioned - in every phase of his life this was a constant, and still chokes me at the thought.

BTW I would be quite suspect based on this wording ("coming on to them") that this was "only" emotional.

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dandyrandylou

mtnrdredux - my expression "coming on to them" simply transcribes as his ways of flirting which I'm unable to detail further because they were so slick and so quickly successful. I like to believe such affairs, as I term them, were only emotional.


maiflourO1 - this I understand completely as I've known such valuable friends. but not the same at all as my issue.

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jerzeegirl(9b)

Some hurts never leave us and this one made me feel damaged at the time, and now just makes me feel angry.

I know exactly how you feel. It's been over 30 years since I had this experience and I still pray the MN Vikings lose just because I know it will deliver a little bit of hurt.

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miss lindsey (still misses Sophie)(8a)

So it's your fault @jerzeegirl??

Listen, my grandpa is 86 and doesn't have much time left to see the Vikes win a Superbowl. Could you find it in your heart to hold off on those prayers for a couple of years??

(Not to make light of your experience. Trying to inject some levity.)

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jerzeegirl(9b)

lol, lindsey. I am SO sorry. I'll try to do better next year.

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mtnrdredux_gw

too funny

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FinallyHome

I know exactly how you feel. It's been over 30 years since I had this experience and I still pray the MN Vikings lose just because I know it will deliver a little bit of hurt.

This is a little hate and totally acceptable.

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Stan Areted

There's no wonder why children of these relationships often grow up and perpetuate the dysfunction. Sad

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HU-249913260

Your spelling of dysfunction is totally dysfunctional.

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Stan Areted

Ha, just saw that and it jumped out at me was going to hit edit but then saw your post and got caught!

Have no idea why my brain does that sometimes.

I will correct.

My brain mistake isn't nearly as dysfunctional as people that are not making prudent decisions about with whom they procreate.

BTW, I expect you, HU-249913260 to go explain to vgkg the difference between principal and principle. I'm pretty sure he knows and his brain made a similar mistake.

Be fair, call them all out, now!

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rhoder551 zone 9b-10

The wife should not blame herself for her husband's behavior... I suspect she does and might explain why his past behavior still bothers her.

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jerzeegirl(9b)

BTW, I expect you, HU-249913260 to go explain to vgkg the difference between principal and principle. I'm pretty sure he knows and his brain made a similar mistake.

Oooooh, I bet that made you feel all tingly.

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mayflowers

Stan Areted

There's no wonder why children of these relationships often grow up and perpetuate the dysfunction. Sad

Your comment was posted out of sanctimony and ignorance and not to help the OP. I wonder how children with a sanctimonious and ignorant parent grow up and what they perpetuate.

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Ziemia(6a)

And you know who comes to mind when reviewing this statement?

There's no wonder why children of these relationships often grow up and perpetuate the dysfunction. Sad

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ann_t


Stan Areted

"There's no wonder why children of these relationships often grow up and perpetuate the dysfunction. Sad

Your comment was posted out of sanctimony and ignorance and not to
help the OP. I wonder how children with a sanctimonious and ignorant
parent grow up and what they perpetuate."

Not good. You just have to look at the children of Trump to know the answer to that question.

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Stan Areted

jerzeegirl(9b)

BTW, I expect you, HU-249913260 to go explain to vgkg the difference between principal and principle. I'm pretty sure he knows and his brain made a similar mistake.

Oooooh, I bet that made you feel all tingly.

NO, if it had I'd have corrected vgkg when I saw it.

Most everybody does things like that for a variety of reasons, unless they have unlimited time to go back and proof everything typed.

It's only fair to call out hypocrisy, just ask your resident hypocrisy monitor!

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Stan Areted

mayflowers:

Your comment was posted out of sanctimony and ignorance and not to help the OP. I wonder how children with a sanctimonious and ignorant parent grow up and what they perpetuate.


So now you can read minds in addition to your other talents?

I'm impressed but your success is about that of a carnival fortuneteller.

My comment was not made in ignorance--perhaps sanctimony if ones considers that the definition of making better decisions than some in choosing a mate and raising offspring.

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jerzeegirl(9b)

We already have a grammar bully on this site and I am sure she doesn't want to give up her job.

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dandyrandylou

Shame on you. What does any of this arguing have to do with the OP's statement?

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Stan Areted

It's a public forum.


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katrina_ellen

No kidding.

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mayflowers

Sanctimonious Stan. The SS Areted.

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Stan Areted


mayflowers:

Sanctimonious Stan. The SS Areted.

If you only knew, mayflowers. If you only knew. ;)

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mayflowers

I'm only noting the sanctimony in your daily posts. What you do in your personal life doesn't concern or interest me.

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jillinnj

dandyrandylou - I'm sorry you've had to go through this. Many of us have been through similar situations. For me it turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me as I am now married to a wonderful man (for over 20 years) that is the exact opposite of the first one. I wish a good outcome for you as well. You deserve better than being in a relationship where you are not treated well.

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purrmich_7_

Kind of creepy, stan.

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Stan Areted

purrmich_7_

Kind of creepy, stan.



I think someone needs some attention!

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