I have anxiety/stress related pins and needles? Not sure if that might be happening for you?

Sorry this is all so stressful at once!

Some various thoughts: My gma found an assisted living apartment with a kitchenette, or some of the homes have community kitchens. My great gma was in a nursing home at age 99 cooking molasses cookies in their residents’ kitchen.

A rescue may take the dogs. There are rescues specifically devoted to senior digs actually, depending on your area. I’d tackle that after your dad moves if you can as that would be a roadblock for him.

My heart goes out to you. I wish I could offer more, but I wish for you strength.

A small note: if the "pins-and-needles' sensation is just in the thumb and the first two fingers, it's probably carpal tunnel syndrome. Which won't get a lot worse if you put off seeing a doctor until you get things in hand in your life. Then you can deal with it later.

Hugs to you....

I'm also guessing that your symptoms might be anxiety related.

I sympathize with your worries. I like to tackle one issue and then move to the next. I'm not good a juggling stressful events.

A few summers ago we took one daughter to school in FL, celebrated another daughter's graduation and helped her settle in her new city and moved across the country to CO. It about did me in.

Would your Dad be open to having a home health care aide come to the house so you can tackle his care and the move after you get your daughter to school?

That's what I was going to suggest that you get some help coming in for now for your father. Go get your daughter settled. Come back and deal with your father.

I would personally go at least to have my arm checked out as best I could now. Or as close to now as possible. Then you can hear the options when the tests are all finally in. Which will probably be right around when you are busiest next. :/|

I make it sound so simple. Obviously I know it's not. Very best of luck to you and hugs!

Ah, Daisy, it never rains but it pours! A year ago, my dad had a stroke 3 weeks before we took DS across country to his first year of college. I was so distracted we showed up with all the wrong linens, expired debit card for DS. It's been a bad year all around, and I'm so glad I was no longer working.

For your arms, could be carpal tunnel which can be enhanced by stress. Go to the drugstore and get a "wrist cock" brace, until you can get to the doctor, and some Vitamin B-12. Sleep with the wrist brace on, and you might find it helpful to wear it during the day, especially while driving or on the computer.

For your dad, hopefully he will allow a caregiver for at least a week till you're back. I'm getting ready to engage a consultant to help find a new facility for my parents--Dad can't stand but is fine cognitively, and Mom has dementia and Parkinson's, so it's hard to find a place that accommodates both, but especially Dad. It's a cost, but it might be worth it to help your dad. Consultants can also help with placing the dogs, packing, moving, either physically or providing resources to you.

Sorry you are going through all of this at once Daisy.

Is there anyway the house can be cleaned up and have a specific area the elder dogs can stay? Maybe get interior pet gates/fencing/playpen. Some even come with a floor and are big enough for a few dog beds. I think it could be very traumatic for your dad to be parted from his pets. Unfortunately, but maybe in this case fortunate that dogs don't live long. Maybe a live-in or a visiting caregiver for now?

If your dad won't talk about it, put a few options in writing and let him ponder.

Daisy, one more thing: if it is imperative that he move now for health reasons, ask about Respite Care at the facilities near you. It's usually a daily rate. Then he is in good hands while you tend to life and make decisions, and it doesn't have to be permanent. And it can help you to see what kind of services he benefits from.

Call the senior services department in your town and find out what is available in your area. Elder services of all sorts are available, many of which you may not even be aware of.

While your pins and needles may be stress related have it checked out. You need good quality sleep to deal with the challenges you are facing.

I hope you are able to go with your DD to get her settled at school.

I am so sorry that all this is happening right before you go back to work. It is stressful enough starting a new school year without the added stress of your other responsibilities and health concerns.

Like many, I could write a book on moving an aging parent. Move him into a facility that has different levels of care so that he doesn't actually have to move again. IT will be so much easier on him as he physically/mentally declines.

On that list of yours, put down looking for help for him so you can go and help your daughter.

Moving my mother gave me anxiety breathing issues that I had never had in my life. I did go to the doctor because I'd wake up unable to breathe but it was anxiety brought on my stress. Go to the doctors and let them know what is going on. He/She may even have some advice for you about your dad.

at 89, he really needs to be in a care facility of some sort and none of them have kitchenettes.

I don't understand this. My mother had macular and so needed to be in an assisted living place the last years of her life, but she had her own apartment with a kitchen. Just maid service once a week, a dining room where she could eat if she didn't feel like cooking, alert buttons if she needed help, bus that took her shopping and so on. As others have said upthread, there were different levels of care available, and when she had a hip replacement she was able to move temporarily to an area of the complex that offered nursing-home type care. (She chose to live across the state where the grandchildren were, so I wasn't able to do as much as I would have liked.)

But at least in FL, I haven't heard of many assisted living places that don't give you a kitchen. Are you sure about this?

ETA Not memory care, of course--they get a fridge, no cooking.

Daisy, I can completely relate. One thing after another has gone wrong here over the last two weeks (In fact, I ranted about it here on Fri., and since then we've even had a few more things hit the fan.) . Is there something astrological going on??

I'm sorry you're going through these stressors.

First, tend to that arm, please. If you're not well, these other tasks will be more of a burden.

Are there other family members who can help you with your dad?

Is there a Visiting Angels or other temporary care group (in his home, or a care facility) who can watch your dad while you get your DD settled, then come back to your dad?

Can you postpone the prep/sale of his home until you get him settled somewhere permanent?

As others have mentioned, reach out to a rescue for senior dogs.

Wishing you the best. Deep breaths!

I am so very sorry that you're stressed and suffering. So many of us have elderly parents and if not in the same boat as you yet, will find ourselves there long before we are ready. I have absolutely nothing in the way of suggestions, but just want to say that my heart goes out to you, and I hope and pray you make your way through these difficult life events with your own health intact and a sense of peace about everything.

I am so sorry everything’s is happening all at once and is so very stressful.

It is so important that you take care of yourself. I would encourage you to see a doctor. Even if there is nothing wrong, the not knowing has got to be adding to your stress.

As far as the dogs go, I would see if there is a rescue group that can help. Getting the dogs out of the house would make the whole move and clean up so much easier to handle.

I'm so sorry you have all this on your plate right now! I can relate as I help care for my father and have gone through that with both my mother and grandmother. Someone mentioned respite care above - and I greatly urge you to check into that. The facility my grandmother lived in the last few years of her life offered respite care and I know several people who used it for relatives. Whether it was for a week or two while they were on vacation, or longer for whatever reason, I heard only positive remarks about their experience. So I would definitely check that out! Best of luck.

What a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad month this has been for you. I am so sorry.

Please look after yourself. Rest and peace of mind make coping with everything else much easier.

Where your father is concerned, I found when people are indecisive that sometimes means it's best to lay out fewer options and exercise more "leadership," (aka become bossy.) If you are offering options your father genuinely dislikes, then he will speak up, otherwise it may be a relief for him not to have to think too much about the situation.

And whatever you do, don't miss out on settling your daughter in at her new school. You can skip any other year but this one.

Rita beat me to it:

"Where your father is concerned, I found when people are indecisive that sometimes means it's best to lay out fewer options and exercise more "leadership," (aka become bossy.) "

WRT your dad, I've found in similar situations that while it may seem cruel, it's best not to try to deal with what they are *saying* they need or require or must have because in truth, they are really more or less just desperately trying to avoid the inevitable. The inevitable being that it's time to leave their home--it's a rare person who thinks of that as a positive change. So all the details your dad expects or insists upon really aren't what you have to focus on, it is now at the stage in which you do indeed have to become bossy.

But if you can wait to handle this sad and difficult task till after you get your daughter settled, as many have said please, please do. One thing that I've experienced is that the issues of elder care can all too easily suck up every bit of energy and joy in one's life and family.

This is an exciting time and one that you and your daughter deserve to remember with a smile, not as a desperately rushed interlude in dealing with a parent's decline (not that you don't love your father but you are a parent to a budding young adult as well).

Good luck and hope things settle down soon!

Regarding the pins and needles, do you sleep on your side? I get this, and it is exacerbated when I sleep on my side with my top arm crossing my body (flopping down). I think it pinches nerves in the shoulder. I've gotten in the habit of hugging a pillow at night to keep the high shoulder in a more neutral position. The other contributing factor is often a very tight pec minor, which could be remedied with self-massage.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pectoralis_minor

My mom is in a retirement community that offers graduated assistance, so I know that they exist. She has actually has a full kitchen, though she uses it like a kitchenette (us kids put it through its paces at Thanksgiving). Hopefully you can find something similar in your area.

Do you, or anyone in your family, have an Employee Assistance Program available at work? This is the sort of thing they are really good at--helping you research options and find resources.

A friend's family used a senior move manager found on this website. Maybe you can find someone to assist? National Association of Senior Move Managers

Daisy, you are doing the right things -- making lists, talking with friends, getting if out and getting your head clear so you can deal with it. And venting here -- I've been in similar situations and I know how it can be overwhelming as well as how you find most friends don't want to listen to things that may be difficult, much less try to find ways to help or get help. It can be a very lonely time. I'm glad you reached out, if only to vent.

Use your lists to prioritize and break down tasks to make them more manageable. In my book, you need to make the trip with your daughter and help her -- even if it's just one day or an overnight. One or two nights is about all you need to get moved in and make a shopping trip or two for the things she needs to go get (though it will be crazy in the stores then). If you were allowing longer, maybe you can trim the trip a bit and try to see her later when things are more settled for both of you. It will be good for her to start getting to know the others and making new friends, so shorter is not bad -- but I think you would both regret it if you didn't go at all.

You didn't say what kind of crisis your dad is having, but it sounds like he's in a situation where bringing in some help temporarily may not be realistic unless he has somewhere else to stay temporarily. Good home help is hard to get and anyone who showed up and smelled anything that bad would likely walk out and report the situation so that no one would come. Respite care might be an option just to make sure he is okay and buy you some time to move your daughter -- maybe keep checking out his options. The facilities will go through an intake assessment and if they will determine what level they will allow him in based on his needs. I have seen assisted living with a mini fridge and possibly a microwave, but not a stove. I only remember a stove in independent living -- which here required that he be able to understand and respond to the alarms and make it down the stairs in the event of an emergency (those with walkers or scooters could be assisted on the stairs). They could have home health assistance for bathing, dressing and other functions, but it was provided by the family and not the facility. My dad stayed in independent care even when he was in hospice, but we paid for someone to be with him from the time he came home from the hospital until the hospice service determined that he needed skilled help and they came in -- the last 24 hours, IIRC.

I would look for the best facility for what your dad needs now and try to pick one that allows him to stay until the bitter end if possible. You never know how things will progress, but you want to avoid being forced out because they don't offer any greater levels of care or won't allow you to bring in outside assistance (though I found they were more likely to encourage or require it than to discourage or not allow it). And you ill find that in addition to narrowing down options to just a couple (like you did with young children), sometimes blaming the doctor or the facility rules helps them accept what they don't like.

It is unfortunate that people tend to put off moves or changes they dread until they are truly a dreadful situation and everything happens in a crisis. It limits options, availability and strains everyone -- but that is probably the norm. Keep in mind that he is likely scared, anxious, angry and also overwhelmed. It may not make the situation any better, but might help you handle it with a little more patience. And you will need all the patience you can find -- some days even that won't be enough. It doesn't mean you are cruel or unloving, a bad or incapable daughter -- more likely it shows you do care but that you are human and hard times can push anyone's limits.

The dogs -- perhaps a rescue can assess them and make the decisions that need to be made for you. They may see health issues that can be treated, training they may be able to work on -- or perhaps help them find an outdoor home. But let someone with more knowledge and training work on that, and if a harder decision has to be made, at east you gave them a chance.

Yes, you can clean up a house, but it won't be easy. That's down the road, but I can tell you I had a cat who sprayed and went over the littler box and outside of it. We bought Nature's Miracle and Petyme by the gallon and cleaned constantly. Still, when she (yes, she) was no longer with us, we changed the flooring and replaced the lower 18-24 inches of sheetrock all the way around one room. We treated the subfloor and studs before putting anything back together -- several steps. but have had no further issues. When you get to that point, I'll try to help you with figuring out what you need to do, but removing all flooring and cleaning the subfloor and walls will be a big start. Buy some good gloves and have a pair of old sneakers or something closed and cheap you buy just for this project that you can throw away when you are done. It will be a lot of work, but it will be therapeutic to see (and smell) the transformation.

One step at a time....... Hang in there!

Oh -- I have neck and shoulder issues too. Tension and stress make everything worse. Try some soaking baths or long showers, aleve or motrin to calm inflammation, try to get enough sleep (I know) and watch you posture (sleeping and waking) to see where you may be pinching nerves -- probably in your neck or where they go through the shoulder. I find Icy Hot (or something like that) in a roll on that is easier to apply and massaging in Penetrex (found it on Amazon) help calm down inflammation and relax the muscles. Ice or heat may also help. Heed the warning. Do make an appointment for yourself -- you cannot care for others if you get laid up yourself, and it may take a while to get in. You don't want to wait until you are in crisis to make a call. These other things may help in the meantime.

So sorry this is all happening at once.

Do you have a sibling that can help make some of the decisions regarding your dad?

Hang n there, you will get through this.

Wow, I am in tears right now reading all the good wishes and advice.

I posted b/c I remember reading that many of you are going thru similar situations - bpathome esp.

I'm just home after having a very good conversation with him and I feel much better. I think we both needed 24 hours to process. I got financial info from him (he can afford this thank god). He is resigned to move to a care facility rather than an apartment. I was able to take his keys away - even tho he said he hardly ever drove, he seemed to be going somewhere at least once a week - not a great idea for someone who can barely remain upright even while seated.

I won't be able to reply to everyone as I'm going to try to get into my classroom for an hour or two before supper, but did want to answer a couple of questions.

I was mistaken about the kitchenette. The first place I called said that they didn't have and, I must have misheard, but I thought I remember her saying that none of the care homes in our city had kitchenettes. I've called a few more and many do have kitchenettes. Unfortunately, the one I like best and is closest to us, does not have vacancies.

I'm going with him to see his family doctor on Thursday and will try and get more info from him about health concerns and level of care that might be needed.

The arm thing could definitely be stress related. I've tried all sorts of pillow configurations, and an elbow wrap thing, but I will keep trying the different options mentioned above. The bunkhousehouse building probably didn't help, but that is on hold now. This makes me sad b/c I promised my youngest DD that we would finish building it before the end of the summer - but it is definitely not a priority right now.

Honestly, I think the main issue with my arm is our hard bed. It first started when we moved back into our house after our house fire and I had to buy a new mattress. It turned out to be harder than I wanted, but I was so exhausted from restoring the house, I just thought I'd live with it. I've been meaning to do more research about the latex mattresses ever since reading the latest thread on them.

Thanks again to everyone and I will try to update when I can.

ETA: We decided to hold off on selling the house until spring, so we can move him with what he needs for now, without the pressure of cleaning and going thru all his stuff.

Don't think I mentioned, but he is out of the city on a small acreage. Some sort of homecare may be possible, but might be more difficult to arrange as it is a 30 mile drive out of the city.

Glad you had a good talk with him and are feeling better. If you think your mattress is too hard, you could try a mattress topper. You can get 2- 3 inches of memory foam -- something like this, though many are covered with fabric and attached to a skirt.

https://www.wayfair.com/bed-bath/hd0/3-gel-memory-foam-mattress-topper-l238-k~anew2541.html?refid=GX175119900135-ANEW2541&device=c&ptid=377457179905&network=g&targetid=aud-352581794326pla-377457179905&channel=GooglePLA&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIlbrmwo__3AIVwiNpCh3plgcZEAYYCCABEgISgvD_BwE

Just want to send good wishes your way. I am going through something similar with my mom, who is about to turn 101. Making the best decisions for her is so hard, especially when she won’t cooperate. Won’t move, won’t accept care. Somethings got to give soon, and I hope it is not my sanity. anyway, I feel your pain.

speaking of pain, I had carpal tunnel syndrome and it felt very much like what you are describing. Wow, it was painful but simple surgery relieved it.

Maybe the dogs will do you a favor and die.

Daisychain, you have gotten lots of good advice and it sounds like you have a good plan for getting your dad settled. I wanted to comment about your arm. I had something similar last winter (mine was a nerve issue that resulted in incessant itchy sensation that kept me up many nights). A chiropractor fixed it for me. Might be worth looking into if you are open to that sort of treatment. Wishing you the best as you navigate these transitions!

I was reading this earlier and am glad to read now that you have had a talk with your Dad. Sometimes it is best to deal one thing at a time. In this case it might also be best to move your Dad into a temporary situation and wait until the better place has a vacancy. I agree your DD deserves your full attention for getting her settled into college.

Having just gone thru this with DD getting her daughter, my DGD, settled 3.5 hours away from home, I know it wasn’t easy. She (DD) is having more separation anxiety than I ever thought she would. We went down this past weekend for bid day and to take a few more items and DD admitted on the way home that she hated not being close enough to see things that were happening in her life.

For your Dad, can you take the dogs for a period of time until some other arrangements can be made? I know that must be hard. As for his house, I would probably hire a company to come in and clean, and if you are putting it up for sale, only you can evaluate what might need to be done as far as flooring replacement, etc to remove the dog odors.

Mattress toppers....we have procrastinated about a new mattress. Do you have Costco? We bought a topper there, had it shipped to our house and are using it now. About to pull the trigger on a latex. Have used the topper for about a year.

Daisy, I wish I could add to the many wise suggestions you’ve gotten, but I can’t. I do want to wish you strength and clarity during these tough times. I also think it’d be good if you can postpone your dad’s move until you return from your trip. Hugs.

Just wanted to send good vibes your way!!

This mid life stuff can sometimes just be too much. The responsibilities of aging parents, our jobs, our children as they are flying the coop make me want to be a kid again sometimes!! As hard as it is, I think self care is extra important during these times. Please consider taking some time to do something that brings you joy -Netflix binge, a movie, time with girlfriend(s) & indulging in some cocktails, massage, pedicure, walk, bike ride- whatever your "happy" might be:) Maybe a massage would work out your arm issues??

Thanks so much. Updating to say we found a place he loves that is relatively affordable. He can’t move in until november so it will be a couple of months of being busy driving out to check on him daily but we are trying to get the home care process started so that may help. I’m starting to figure out the systems involved a bit and that helps to reduce the stress.

Found a shelter for the dogs but they are asking that we wait a couple of weeks before surrendering them.

I put a mattress topper on and had two good nights sleep but last night was bad again so will try other options with the arm thing

Took away his car which was a big emotional deal but had to be done. It also means more work for me doing errands but I feel much less stress not worrying every time I hear about a car accident out his way.

Decided to hold onto the house until spring so he can move slowly and we can take our time cleaning it up.

Overall, feeling better. When I first posted I felt so overwhelmed, I was bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. Now things are still crazy but feel more manageable. Thanks again. Your advice and support are, as always, invaluable.

Glad you've got a plan together and feeling less overwhelmed. Yes, you've got a lot on your plate, so continue to take care of yourself.

Wishing you the best.

So glad that things are manageable if still chaotic. You just have to take these things and Tackle them one at a time. So great that he's got a place for November. It's too bad it's difficult about his location meaning he can't have help easily.

If he doesn't need help with cooking maybe you could have things delivered to him when you don't have time to bring them yourself. If he does need help with cooking maybe you could prepare everything in your kitchen put it in individual packages and deliver it to him for him to just pop in the microwave as needed. It might mean a few last driving trips to and from.

Maybe you could check out the Workaway site. If the right person responds it could free up a few days of travel for you a week until pops space is ready. It's free labor but I think you temporarily provide food and lodging.

My youngest did the Workaway program in Brighton England. He had to put in a few hours a day five days a week. His chores were painting the sheds, walking the dogs and other help needed. The host has a daughter doing Workaway in America somewhere.

If your dad's place isn't within walking distance to town or there is no pubic transportation it might not work though. Seems like it would be a hassle hooking someone up with a car.

There are all sorts of programs but not many seeking elderly assistance.

Examples:

https://www.workaway.info/12223932984b-en.html

https://www.workaway.info/568779467331-en.html

I am glad you and your dad have a plan. That in and of itself is a stress reliever. I had a similar situation last summer with my MIL. I also suffered from tinging ang numbness in my arms when sleeping. The problem stems for my neck. Does your neck hurt when you turn side to side? How far can you comfortably turn your head? any cracking? any headaches? I got relief quickly seeing a PT/acupunture therapist. I did not need acupuncture. She did ultra sound, massage, and taught me several simple stretching exercises which have been very effective. She also advised placing only my head and neck on the pillow, not the shoulders. I sleep on my left side; I found that extending my left arm down in front of my body rather than bending it to place my hand near my head under the pillow helps. When I sleep on my stomach, the PT advised placing my arms near my body. I hope you get relief soon.

I agree that it's good to have a plan-- until you do it all seems just so overwhelming! Now that you can take it at one step at a time, you will see progress and know exactly what's coming.

I also wanted to say that I got FULL relief from my arm and hand issues by doing similar to what Happy is suggesting with your arm-- do not bend it-- extend it. I used to curl my hand in and sleep with it under my head. I was in a terrible place-- couldn't hold a pen or pick up dishes out of the dishwasher. I had almost constant pins and needles feeling. It took a little while to retrain myself to a new sleeping position but once I did, the problem went away--- almost immediately!

Glad you are feeling better about everything!

Let's all of us make a vow to face the elderly moving situation before it get's to be a catastrophe for us when our time comes! And to support more options for the elderly because that is such a problem . . . few options and the good ones are all taken!!