Such problems of the modern parent! I used to talk on the phone with my besties a lot as a teen, and my mom only had to pass by the phone area and say, "Enough, get off the phone, people might be trying to call us!" Sigh. I feel your pain. Have no good advice, other than I would try and keep the "facetime" in a family/community area just as a phone was. When trying to create good habits, helps to have your family encouraging you and discouraging the bad habits, which is why having it in a family area makes sense. Which seems like you already have.

I'm not sure you could spell it all out, but also maybe request that she ask you about extended calls, since once and a while they might want to do that without harm. However, I could see where it could interfere with family time and school work and real life interaction as well. A balance, which is what you are trying to teach her . . . As a teacher, I try to spend the most time spelling out the principles the rule is trying to uphold rather than spelling out all the rules, since there always seems to be one more issue to come up over and over no matter how I try to parse it. I have this same problem with my employees. My co-supervisor wants to create rule after rule, and I am better with principles, so that when I have to reprimand a worker, I have some basis for their understanding what the problem is. Otherwise it seems confusing and arbitrary, which can lead to disrespect. Teaching the principles allows the child to learn to make their own good decisions, or at least gives them the basis for the decisions. Lots of rules and the bottom line can get lost. Plus, like I said, you need to constantly adjust and make new rules then because life changes a lot from day to day. Just IMHO.

Well...I have a 15 and 18 year old (18 yo is leaving for college in less than 2 weeks so he’s pretty much completely on his own re:phone use lol!) It is definitely best to start with the max rules and gradually reduce as they get older & more responsible (praying hands emoji.) I’ve had friends who started too loose & then had to reign it in and it was most unpleasant for all. I think the phone downstairs charging at night is absolutely the best rule, and really not one that I relinquished on school nights until oldest’s senior year, and then only bc, well, he was turning 18, he had proven himself responsible, he had good grades & gotten into several good colleges, and he needed to learn how to sleep in the same room as his phone! :)

At the age of your child...limiting daytime access to certain times is also great. However, I personally wouldn’t get involved with who she FaceTimes (unless it is someone you don’t know, yikes! Then I’d pull the entire thing!) and how long she FaceTimes the same person...I think they need to navigate this stuff. If she wants to waste her hour of phone time FTing the same person...she’ll pretty quickly realize that’s not what she really wants to do, lol! And of course, if you let her have IG or SnapChat...you will have to monitor it which I do for dd still and I absolutely despise it. It feels so intrusive and nosy...I have no interest in overblown teen angst and all the stupid but innocent (mostly, ugh) things teens do. I tell my mom all the time how jealous I am of how she & my dad got to parent teens in the 80s and early 90s! I was a (mostly, lol) good girl who made good grades. My parents didn’t have to get all up in my business! We loved & respected each other...and they trusted me to make smart choices. Now you have to worry about all kinds of cyber crap. Ugh. Good luck, Lyfia!

Can't give advise for rules because my two were not pre teen when all this came about. They had flip phones and were using our at home computers.

I had lunch yesterday with a friend who has a 12 year old. She is not letting hime have any devices. Evidently there are studies that show that these devices are damaging young developing brains.

When my grands where tweens they were limited to amount of device time. All texting was done while sitting next to my daughter, their parent. Devices were always used and charged in the family room. Now that they are older, they know that their mother still has complete access to device activity. She often calls for a random "phone check"! Those phones are handed to her immediately for her to check activity (including texts). So far so good. It seems to be working for them.

Is your school helping? Meaning are students allowed phones during school hours. Hopefully Middle schools haven't caved yet, but chances are students are on computers most of the day which means social media time is more than half their day. That will work against you. When my sister attempted to time out social media at night she discovered they could reach out via their electronics. Fast forward you are aware of just how many devices kids communicate over. First I would follow parenting 101 rules. Don't set a 'rule' you can't enforce. You will have to be sure there are no electronics in her reach with in the times you set. There are some pretty scary stats out there as to brain changes, adrenaline rushes triggered by phones,social media. Perhaps having the latest recommendation in your arsenal will support you in your war. It will be a war. One battle after another. Hopefully you can keep communication open enough that your tween will keep you in the loop. Self-esteem,cyber bullying,has done some really horrible things and these kids tend to not share before it is too late. My teens did not have access to cell phones or lap tops until senior year. Not me, the age they grew up in. My students, well I have witnessed too many decent ninth graders mess up their futures thanks to social media time. It's the worst addiction among teens when you factor in pervasiveness. I will be praying for your efforts.

I have nothing useful to add, save for an important anecdote. One day, a father in my social circle glanced at his 8th grade daughter's telephone and saw the area code for a town several cities down from us. The daughter went to public school, so all her friends were local. The father became very suspicious and it's a darn good thing he did. Suffice it to say the police became involved and an arrest was made. Children must be made aware of the dangers of strangers on the internet. In my story , the father really did just notice the phone ringing on the table and see the odd area code. He did not go looking for it.

I started off with : No phone on the 2nd floor of the house. (We have traditional layout, bedrooms all up)

It was very easy to enforce, as phone had to be left on table at bottom of stairs if you went upstairs.

That's not the rule anymore. They know that posting selfies, or sexting can destroy your life. We talk about it. They also know if they tick me off I will turn off their phone- I pay the bill - I can do whatever I want.

I tried the whole contract thing on computer gaming and honestly it became a parenting nightmare, where I felt I was sitting across the table from two layers negotiating a settlement constantly.

I prefer a more benevolent dictator approach. If I see something I dont like, I will tell you. If you dont stop will take your phone, I will turn off the wifi.

That was a rule we had for Facebook--which kids don't use so much--but it would work for ANY social media. Mine were told they were never to "chat"/be "friends" with anyone they hadn't already seen/spoke to in real life first. All this hype about reaching out to people from other cultures, other countries is not worth the evil it brought into home and lives of our CHILDREN. The false sense of connected-ness is helping no one. I have a student who said his longest friend, best friend was someone he played games with over the internet. They had never met, he didn't know this guys full name. Frankly a phone she can only call you on and vise versa is your SAFEST bet.

Somehow I would find a way to stress that Internet time is not private time. Folks can and do spy on you way more than we know. I would let her know that her time online is public time, and then warn her of all the dangers of a public space and how she should comport herself to avoid exposing herself to danger and more than that, social problems that could occur. Heck, I can't even get my fiance to understand that, so good luck!! Be a mean mom, she will thank you so much later!!

Hi,

I haven't read the replies. We have always had our 3 kids bring down their electronics at bedtime. Homework time was supposedly no electronics, but of course as they get older they use a laptop for hw and sometime a phone to collaborate.

Anyway, with my one kid we needed something more, and something that did not require us chasing them down and reminding them. We use Ourpact.com. It puts usage on a schedule, which is easy for me to change as needed. It also can restrict total hours on the phone or on an app, and/or block an app. It is very easy to use. I also have a set up w the phone co. During sleeping hours and at school they can only make calls to a certain list of numbers (family, neighbors, school)

ETA: I agree about phone check -- i do that too. I always tell them they should have zero expectation of privacy. My kids did not have smart phones until 7th grade iirc?

Thank you so much for all the input all giving me some different ideas and some thoughts. I really appreciate it.

Just to clarify this is not a phone - it is an ipod which she has been using for 3 years to listen to music - we have parental controls so can turn everything on/off to give her access. She sings all the time and wants music all the time so that was our solution to not always having to hear Kidzbop although we still hear her singing. Texting and Facetime only works on WiFi. She managed to entertain folks sitting nearby on the subway in Paris while singing Dynamite because she was bored with the long ride we did that day - kid just loves singing and knows the words to full songs and remembers the right tune so the reason she has one is for music purposes.

She won't get an actual phone for a while and when she does it will likely be a flip phone, but with her friend who she doesn't see very often it has been nice to keep up with Facetime on the ipod, but now her BFF who is at a different school has an ipod and we are seeing what the future may look like so needs to start considering these things. I believe in teaching them earlier than later and feel now is a good age to learn before everything becomes a battle.

Yes when re-reading I caught up. LOL. Sadly, all the advice still applies. Social media is the enemy. The devise really doesn't matter. Teaching early is a fabulous responsible plan. What you will learn as they age and as the social component grows in their lives what you think you are teaching now will not hold or be applied later when their desire for a social component becomes more important than YOU. Perhaps your child will be the one in 10 million this doesn't happen to. My experience says it isn't likely. As I said this becomes an addiction. A very serious one. The sooner they get a taste for it, the worse it gets. I would STRONGLY suggest you encourage skype. Allow her to use it in a public space with JUST those two friends.

arcy_gw - Skype is the equivalent of Facetime (Facetime includes messaging just as Skype which I refer to as texting)

Yes, but on her ipad it would be PRIVATE. On a public computer with a decent size screen monitoring is possible. My students work on chrome books. I am very aware how the smaller the screen the more a student can go off track and NO ONE knows!!

How old is your dd, Lyfia? I am assuming 10-11ish? If so...I think you are spot on with what you are currently doing. Do be prepared...in the next couple of years, more and more of her friends will be getting phones. Eventually it will get to the point where, even though you are making a wise parenting choice...your child will actually become somewhat socially isolated. It seems ridiculous, and if someone had told me that when my oldest was 10, I would have been like, “So? My family, my rules.” But it’s not just the kids you don’t want them hanging around that get phones...the “nice” kids get them too. You child will inadvertently get left out of things...and might become resentful. I have a friend who is a wonderful parent, and she really wanted to hold off on the phone until High School. It was getting stupid...her kid’s friends would have to send her separate texts to inform her son about plans. She’d have to relay the info to him...things would get missed, it was very awkward. I know a lot of folks on this forum have adult children and think the answer is “no phone, period!” but in our technological world...that is not a realistic option. It is literally how teens AND adults communicate. It is a tool that needs to be managed and it sounds like you are on the right path.