I think it’s a wonderful idea and in fact less tacky than those long gift lists from Bed Bath and Beyond and Pottery Barn ( although they are kind of helpful). If you don’t t say something, people will buy something you don’t need and you will end up with ten fondue pots. I think a tastefully written note in the invitation is the only way to let people know of your wishes. Nice idea.

I think it’s a great idea, too! Good for you.

Donna

Very strictly speaking, I think it’s not “proper” under old-school etiquette. But if I were your guest, I would be very happy to donate instead of buying a gift.

My fiance seems disappointed. We have two households worth of stuff and I am still trying to pare down but fiance just lost his job so I guess he's not feeling very charitable. We're 58 and 65 respectively so I dunno. I got my co-worker who is my same age and both of the couple had their own homes, a gift subscription to Blue Apron. He complained the portions were too small and he didn't like all the ingredients. I should have gone with the grocery gift certificate! The last thing I want is more stuff but who knows what we might get. I doubt we'll get money like my fiance's kid got at his wedding. To me, this is about celebration not setting up a home. We've lived together for four years.

I don't think you can make any mention of a gift if you're concerned about impropriety. I like the idea of the charitable contribution, but I still think it's inappropriate to insinuate any expectation of a gift in any form. (And yes, I know it's become commonplace but that doesn't make it ok.) This probably means you'll get stuff you neither need nor want, but you can always donate those things to someone who could make use of them.

When my FIL remarried, in his 70's they put in a "clause" in the invitation and the announcements that said something like this:

"We request the joy of your presence and respectfully request no gifts."

Although, I like the idea of donations to the well project.

Etiquette dictates that invitations should never mention gifts: not on the invitation and not as an insert. The invitation should be about the event: who is hosting, purpose of the event (wedding ceremony), name of the couple, date and time, and location. Guests may inquire about gift registries and that would be a good time to let them know their presence is all the gift you need but that if they insist there are some charitable organizations close to your heart. You can also share this information with the wedding party (parents, bridesmaids, groomsmen) so that they can pass this information along.

Will you have a wedding website? They're easy to set up and can be free. This is a great place to have helpful information for your guests, including any gift preferences / registries. Did you know you can register for charitable giving? Don't make gifts the focus of the site, but you can include it.

Hope that helps. Your heart is in the right place.

Every wedding invitation I get these days refers to a website. Most invitations are very informal. Most weddings are no longer in a church or religious in nature. It seems not too many people at least around here care about what’s proper etiquette.

All that said I got an invitation that suggested giving to a charity of our choice and sharing info about it with the bride and groom. We did just that.

I find the gift registries disgusting these days - check every box and get every useless thing the store offers. Worse yet go to this web site and donate for all the “experiences” on our list because we already have every material thing we could possibly want or need.

I was delighted to have someone suggest a charitable gift. Ours was to a shelter for homeless families where we tutor kids after school.

Gifts are just that GIFTS from the giver, decided on by the giver. The giver should be the one in-control of what they want to GIVE to any receiver ever. One would hope all your guests are very aware of your need or lack there of. This does open the door for a lot of sentimental but possibly not wanted dust catchers. Your heart being solidly in the right place there just has to be a "proper" solution, but I fear the answer is what you GET just shouldn't be up to you!! Gifting is a great example of how good intentions has led us all down the wrong path. We now are in an era where people actually solicit cash for their honeymoon. It's INSANE. It's sweet of you but I don't really think "proper" is a thing anymore!!!

Hmm, I'm of two minds on this, which is why I figured it was a topic worthy of discussion. Etiquette is to ease social interactions, and make everyone feel valued. So not putting anything about gifts leaves it to the discretion of the guests to figure out which is fine by me. I know when my senior co-worker got married they told everyone in person/informally "no gifts" for the reasons I mention, they had two households worth of stuff between them, and were having to pare down as it was. The woman had been married twice before and had two grown children. But I felt awkward not bringing/giving anything, which is why I brought a food gift card. My other co-worker brought a nice bottle of wine, we knew the woman liked wine. My fiance's kids just got married and they said "no gifts" for the same reason - two households were combining and they had already taken bags and bags to the dump or Salvation Army. But folks knew they needed money so that's what they gave. Helped pay for the wedding which was great since they had a lot of other household expenses going and the wedding was a real stretch for them. Us on the other hand, we're supposed to be the generation PAYING for these weddings, so we were generous too, although we are dipping into our retirement funds to pay for our own weddings.

On the flip side, the church and our other non-profit wedding venue have been more than helpful and generous and welcoming to us for planning our wedding and to me this is a way of our community/family thanking them for hosting us. One version of my invitations states just that, presence is the best gift, but the church family has been generous so let's pay it forward. But that is dictating a gift, although my attitude is partly, "Why not, what's wrong with supporting the church's well project, what is the downside??" But I am a people-person and I see this as a way of creating and connecting communities. But not everyone likes that kind of thing, I can see some people resenting the forced association although the invitation states, "if you want." My fiance is an introvert, his ideal wedding would be a quick visit to the courthouse and a nice trip to the islands for a honeymoon.

We are doing an e-vite along with the paper invitation which provides a web site for sharing information.

If you want to mention donation, I think it should say to a charity of your choice and not be told where to donate.

I have no comment on whether this is appropriate.

Reminds me a little of obits, where this is often mentioned.

Envelopes at the reception, even discreetly displayed, would be awkward, IMO.

I think the etiquette about no discussion of gifts is outdated, personally. Because let's face it, 90% of people will bring a gift (or cash). The last thing I want is to get someone something they can't use, waste my money and contribute more junk to landfills if not necessary. So I enjoy giving from registries (or writing a cheque).

I think your instinct is correct that people will prefer to help two younger people set up for a household/life rather than two more well seasoned people and it's likely the gifts will reflect that. For that reason I wouldn't register for household items. I also wouldn't do envelopes at the reception. I would mention donations welcome somewhere, whether it be to friends and family or on a website. Only if your SO approves of course. But he should not expect that people will contribute in the same way they would if you were both 19.

If I were attending your wedding, I would just write a check, knowing you needed nothing else. If you choose to donate that money to an organization you support, that’s up to you. I recently googled this issue because I received a formal wedding invitation with an insert with one of those “cute” poems about preferring cash. I do not like being told what to give, and think gift registries, which were started to inform guests of the couple’s choice in china, silver, and crystal, have gotten out of hand, and become demand lists. Anyway, the consensus among brides is that, if you omit a registry, people will just give cash. And, most wedding attendees know that. Though, I am trying to resist my inclination to buy something, not on the registry, for this wedding, because of my distaste for that poem.

To be clear, we really don't expect or want gifts per se, but also we have both been in the situation of wanting to bring something to an older couple's wedding . . . I think I am going to leave it up to my peeps. Better to remain silent than say something and create any issues. For me, the gift really is to be with my family and friends to celebrate something nice. Too many funerals and troubles lately!

I think that is the best way to handle it I pinkmountain.

Do you each have a couple of close family or friends that people might contact? They could pass the word what your preference is.

The traditional idea of gift-giving was based on the assumption that the couple would be setting up housekeeping for the first time, which is almost never the case anymore.

My nephew is getting married next week and they asked for help getting a nice honeymoon instead of gift registry stuff. There's a whole site called honeyfund just for this. I don't think it's tacky at all, since it let me give them what they wanted instead of a paltry cash gift or yet another Instant Pot.

My older nephew and his bride did have an online registry, but a lot of it was for "experiences" like cooking classes. I'd have been even happier to donate to a charity of their choice. I see nothing wrong with this at all.

Unless I see a registry, I always give cash (checks). The recipients can do what they will with it, including passing it on to their favorite charity. (A really close family member may get something memento wise in addition to the cash, as I probably know what they might appreciate or get a kick out of.)

I'm unmarried, but when I threw my housewarming party, I let it be known that I would be just happy with their pleasant smiling faces since I was attempting to down size. People bring things anyway, I got a bundle of plants for outdoors, and some bottles of wine. They made an effort on this! NO gadgets!

My husband and I were married at ages 41 and 42 (I'm the older woman), I had been married before, he had not, we both had owned homes for years and I was a single mother with a 3 year old when we got married. We had no interest in presents, just wanted to have a celebration with our friends and families. We put a piece of paper in the invitations with directions to the out-of-the-way site and a request for "your presence, not your presents", and if anyone had a pearl clutching incident over our gross tackiness, that was their problem, not ours. Do what you want and forget the Emily Post wannabes.

I like Olychick’s idea, which captures and addresses all concerns.

I have never bought a wedding present;only given a check. For my two weddings combined, have received only one present present. I love registries. Many years ago, a co-worker's wedding invitation did ask for a charitable contribution so that is what we did. Second marriages. It was unusual but imo not out of bounds at all, in any way. I thought 'good for them' to be so wealthy. As said above, today the couple either live together or each in thei

I did prevail last year when dd got married, that she should not ask for 'experiences' on their registry. I thought it was not right. The couple thought it was ok. And yet, another bridal couple in our family did ask for 'experience' gifts, and it is perfectly fine. If gift givers want to give cash, they will.

I wonder if there is a way to do it with humor on a wedding type site? Seems like humor covers up a lot of faux pas. Bottom line, as the posts show,people do what ever they want. Givers/wedding couple--it's a grab bag of options these days. Say you find the proper wording for your wishes, in no way does that hem in EVERY guest. There will always be the one that gives cash; that would NEVER give cash; that has that certain something something they just KNOW is going to be a sentimental favorite. Because of this it seems silly for you to not go with what you want. Everyone else will!!!

Another fan of mentioning nothing or Oly’s advice. Would have no problem donating. For other weddings not keen on the experience or honeymoon fund requests. Not sure why I am so against it, guess it is just the tradition of the gifts being for setting up a household or perhaps updating on a secon wedding. Although I have an aversion to couple requesting gifts I given experiences as gifts. When my nephew got married a few years back they had very little money, but having a big wedding so I assumed most of the household items would be handled. Wanted to give a special gift so I asked about giving them tickets to a show in Las Vegas, their honeymoon destination. My MIL had given them a week’s stay at her timeshare so I thought the show would be perfect. Had them chose the show and they were thrilled. My standard gift these days is a small gift along with cash.

I forgot to mention that in case of both my nephews, neither said anything in the invitation, only a URL for the sites they set up for their weddings with photos, hotel suggestions, directions, etc. And on the bottom of those pages, for anyone who was interested, there was a link, but it wasn't prominent.

I agree that, ideally, invitations should not mention gifts, as common as that has become.

However, the opportunity to do good outweighs the concern that some may think the request is inappropriate.

So i would forge ahead. Maybe something along the lines of "If you would like, please consider supporting ....... with a donation in our name".

If I'm remembering right from the other month, for the recent royal wedding Harry and Meghan asked, though not on the actual invitation, for charitable donations instead of gifts. I think William and Kate did this as well. And they have an entire etiquette department at the palace, plus Debrett's in their corner lol.

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2018/apr/09/prince-harry-and-meghan-markle-ask-for-aid-to-charity-instead-of-wedding-gifts

I thought this was a very interesting move by the Canadian government (part of the Commonwealth),

https://globalnews.ca/news/4219996/royal-wedding-gift-canada-jumpstart-charity