I told my wife the truth… I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist; then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

On Philantrophy....

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at
the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture
and the acoustics. He
inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after
Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A big check," replied the guide.

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other:

"Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered: "Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied.

She picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said. "Back at our nunnery, we call it Catholic Shampoo."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said: "The curlers are on the house."