It Really Never Ends

8 years ago

SD is engaged to a man from a very wealthy family and moved to his country. She is almost 40 and wants to be married immediately; however, also wants to have an extravagant destination wedding. Her plan is to have two weddings, one civil and one religious, spaced a year apart. The first will be in her fiancé's home country. The second is undecided as she's considering several different countries. She is paying for her mother to attend both. However, she expects her family members, all of average middle class income or less, who live in another continent, to attend both.

As a two-decade-plus resented stepmother, my option is to vent online because I'm a mean, horrible person if I were to state my opinion. I was kind of hoping that after we paid for her college, that she'd spread her wings and fly. We have other kids to continue helping with college, and our peak earning potential is in the past since we are now close to retirement age. Additionally, my husband is going through cancer treatments right now. SD doesn't work, and travels the world on vacation almost monthly. She's about to embark on a lifestyle of the rich and famous, and still asked my husband for financial assistance.

It would be so much more considerate if she had one wedding in his country, and one wedding in our country. Instead, the side with average means are the ones expected to fly internationally, rent cars and hotels, twice. Or it would be nice if she just eloped, for at least one ceremony.

She wants and she receives, and this pattern has come into existence from lots of enabling from those around her. She has never wanted me in her family, and has not hesitated to let me know it for over 20 years. Next will be babies, and baby showers in her new country... Seriously, our retirement plan never accounted for her lifelong expectations.

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Kim Aves

8 years ago

last modified: 8 years ago

The one thing I'll tell you about destination weddings is that they are almost always poorly attended. AND, I think any one planning one, should expect this. Destination weddings are billed for guests like, "you can come and see the wedding and have a vacay too", but for us basic folks, if I'm going to spend well over $1,000 going to a Destination, then it better dang well be one that I personally want to go to. I don't want someone else picking my vacay spot for me.

I know of at least one DH and his wife (SM) who did not attend SS's destination wedding. There was a lot more going on than just the fact that it was a sure to be pricey destination wedding, but DH spoke with his son and fiancé ahead of time and explained things. And, it wound up actually not being that bad and working pretty good for everyone; it seemed anyway.

In reference to this line: "Next will be babies, and baby showers in her new country... Seriously, our retirement plan never accounted for her lifelong expectations". The sooner both you and your DH can say No, the better, because so few people in general are willing to take No for an answer nowadays. The only way to go is with the word No, with these types. And no matter what has gone on before, don't feel any guilt for saying No. One of the greatest gifts a parent can give is teaching their child how to accept No, and how to positively move on.

Also, you always have the option of just not attending any event associated with SKs. Pick and choose. No one is under any obligation to attend an event where they feel they are not wanted nor welcomed or will be treated poorly. I know some women insist they 'have to' support their husband. But, sometimes there is a fine line between supporting and enabling. Sometimes it is only when DH has to go into the viper's den himself, alone that he starts to get it, and realize, among other things, that the only way to go is with the word No.

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Comments (8)

share_oh
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
I agree with Kim. Say no now and it'll be easier to keep saying no. My husband and I got married in another country and invited no one to go with us. It was much more fun that way! We couldn't afford to foot the bill for others and I wouldn't have dreamed of asking anyone to pay thousands of dollars to go with us.

Plus your dh is going thru cancer treatments... that's an easy big fat no to add to the reasons why you shouldn't go.
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functionthenlook
8 years ago
Just tell her the truth. With DH cancer and the expense, that as much as you would love to you can't attend a destination wedding. Did you suggest to her about having the second wedding in your location so the whole family can attend.
Sara Tilmont
Original Author
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
If my husband hadn't been diagnosed with cancer, he would have gone alone to at least the first wedding. I have no interest in going, and am definitely not one of those who thinks there is any purpose in me going nor do I give a flip about appearances. SD has made it no secret for over 2 decades that she is my husband's priority over every person in his life, including me, her sisters, his mother and our kids together. That's what she believes and that's how she acts. She's a narcissist. I don't think my husband really fed her that idea; she definitely has always projected that idea and he never had the nerve to tell her differently. Now he wishes he never allowed her idea to go unchallenged, and tells the rest of us that her notion is not reality. Additionally, she postponed her first wedding a few times for other reasons. However, she never thought about postponing it another 6-8 weeks until after his cancer treatments. She treated him like a bank, someone who owes her, ever since she was young.

The reason I will go to the second, is because my husband's health isn't great and he wouldn't travel alone well anymore. I fully expect that she'll try to seat me in the back row, have everyone but me escorted to their seats, have her mother descend from the balcony with wings and suffer potential ligament strains from the side eye she'll give me. I've already had a preview of her snotty royal behavior when we were all at another family wedding. Was enough for me to bow out of any other family weddings that she would be at. Any big family function is her ticket to show her true colors. And the funny part is, she is so worried that her fiancé's family might think poorly of the rest of us because they are so wealthy. Thinking there will come a day when they realize what they are really in for.+
functionthenlook
8 years ago
Hope the princess fiance had her sign a pre-nuptial. He is going to need it.
Kim Aves
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
Yes, I agree your husband does definitely need your support in this case. Ha!, your line, "I fully expect that she'll try to seat me in the back row, have everyone but me escorted to their seats. . ." I'll add to that: seated at the leftovers table at the reception, not be permitted to be in any pictures (or if you're 'lucky', maybe you'll be included in one, that will mysteriously disappear when the photos come out, but at least that way no one can say you were intentionally left out), and so on. I've heard of all of these and more. Although, certainly not every SM is treated such, but some are, and some are very unexpectedly treated so. That's the worst.

At least you fully well know what you could be in for. In your case, I'd go and look at it as some kind of entertainment for yourself, to see how bad it can get or is. But, I'd also make sure that no matter what proprieties may exist for this high falutin wedding, that my DH and I were kept together as much as possible, even if it meant getting up from my seat and placing myself near him. He really needs you at a time like this, and if you don't give a flip about appearances, this is the way to go.

That mantra that it is the bride's special day so she can do what she wants is lame, at best. A line has to be drawn somewhere. I always say, "Well, if you go to a wedding and the bride expects everyone to strip down for her now nudist wedding, would you do it, because it is the bride's special day after all!?" Hmm, I don't think so. No bride or groom or anyone has the right to separate a married couple at an event just because it is more convenient for them to pretend the union never happened. And, if your marriage isn't going to be respected, why should you respect theirs, much less their seating arrangement? Get up and move if you need to.

Go, say no, and enjoy the show. And, seriously, cut off any and all funding you can. Once your SD is married, she'll have her own monetary wealth. You and your DH have yours. Keep it and protect it. Best of luck to you!
share_oh
8 years ago
Since your dh needs you to accompany him on the trip - maybe you can make plans to go sight seeing while he attends the wedding? Have a plan B... if she sticks you in the back while her mother gives you the stink eye - leave! Go enjoy yourself elsewhere.
Sara Tilmont
Original Author
8 years ago
That's exactly our plan. Depending on where she plans it, we'll plan to have some time to ourselves. I'll go along with whatever plans she has for me, with class. Treating me poorly in front of his family would be a revealing sign for them, and I'm sure they'll be watching. If she seats us apart, truly I'll delight in her choice to punish me in front of them. I will be so thrilled when she has kids of her own. They will anchor her to her new country for life. If she were to get divorced, custody laws would prevent her from returning with them without his approval. The strain between me and the other members of my husband's family, including the other stepkids, has been much less with her living far away.

I've watched other stepfamilies grow out of the typical teen angst eventually, where they could co-exist in relative peace. Mine are now in their 30's, and for over 2 decades, it's been passive aggressive war. Constant moves behind the scenes to control us, cause problems, send messages, isolate me, and make demands. Even when things seem to be going smoothly, something always happens to let me know it's not over. Would be too easy to assume it's going to be over now that the one SD lives so far away, but it's certainly been the only significant change to the scenario since I've been married. One bad apple can spoil the bunch.

It Really Never Ends

Kim Aves

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