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yeonassky

What dream have you let go of?

yeonassky
4 years ago

Also what do you think you will eventually get/achieve/reach?

I think I have to let go of the idea that I'm ever going to be able to afford a victorian-style home even a mini one. Boohoo pout.

I think someday I may get the final draft of one of my stories done and actually hand it in somewhere. Or even self-publish through the internet. Not sure how that is done but it sounds like more my style

I'm sure there are more things but those are the two pressing on my mind. What about you? Have you had to let go of Dreams and do you have some dreams that you feel you will still complete?


Comments (110)

  • gsciencechick
    4 years ago

    Yes, when we go to San Francisco, we stay at this little boutique hotel called the Golden Gate Hotel near Chinatown, and all rooms have deep claw foot tubs! It is so nice after walking the hills all day to soak in the tub. They are very much like the tubs in the house I grew up so it's pretty amazing.

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  • dedtired
    4 years ago

    All the dreams I had to let go are directly related to marrying too young to the wrong person. I really believed in him and he let us down in nearly every way. I probably should not have stuck it out, but I thought my kids needed at least the illusion of a stable home. This thread plus looking at some old memorabilia made me recall some of my hopes and dreams when I was young. There are things I am proud of such as being the person who holds the family together and persevering to finish college and have a successful career, but I'm certainly not where I dreamed I would be by a long shot.

    Ironically, I had always dreamed of getting away from my family and having adventures. My darn sense of responsibility got in the way of that! Another dream was having a charming home with some land. Nothing huge but something I could love and have gardens. I am still in our starter home. I would have been more choosy when buying it if I had known it would be my ender home, too!


    I'm also still waiting to find the love of my life. Not looking too good on that front, either! Honestly at my age, I am not looking to take care of an old man in his later years.

    Thanks for all you have shared.

    yeonassky thanked dedtired
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  • runninginplace
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    I haven't quite let it go but my dream is fading that I"ll ever have a strong, agile and flexible body with a regular exercise routine and a pattern of good healthy eating. The only faint hope I have is that once I retire and have time I will somehow find time and motivation to really concentrate on taking care of my body. Exercise just seems to be one part of life that I cannot self discipline myself into doing as a habit. And it doesn't help that I really do hate doing it :(. I have also let go of the dream that I will ever be a woman who says 'I love [insert any form of physical exertion] because it's so much fun!' There's still never been anything I enjoy that involves moving my body as much as I enjoy a good book or a binge watch of a good tv show. I truly envy people who talk about how they can't function without their run, or their tennis or their whatever that involves exercise.

    That's my serious faded/ing dream. My silly one is that I've given up on ever living in a house with ceilings that are above 8 feet tall. I thought maybe when we started the search for our vacation home I'd find something with at least 9-10 feet tall ceilings. But alas our dream house has everything else but those, so I guess that's never going to happen. Hhireno, guess you won't be dropping in to visit me after all ;).

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  • hooked123
    4 years ago

    I dreamt that my children would be president or physicians. I thought that would happen if I was the perfect mother. I tried, I gave it my best but it didn’t happen.

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  • DLM2000-GW
    4 years ago

    This is one of *those* threads. I am so appreciative of the willingness of people here to open their hearts and share some of their biggest fears, hurts, challenges and wrap their arms around someone who's fears, hurts and challenges are larger than theirs. I have not read any of these responses to my DH - sometimes I do that when the content is particularly close to something in our lives but he is always amazed at the sharing here and frustrated that men don't behave the same way online.

    OTOH I am struggling with responding and avoiding naming my own unfulfilled dreams. That mirror is too hard to look in right now. I'm working on it, but with family arriving from CA, CO and IL in a few days it's easy to distract myself with visions of our granddaughter under our roof. She is the single brightest light in my life at this moment and at the same time my greatest sadness centers around the reality of what our relationship with her will be like from a distance - certainly a dream to be unfulfilled.

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  • pennydesign
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    Dreams are fantasies though, right? Not plans. Not even wants (to me).

    Some things will never happen for me. Some things I don't like. Some things went off on a different path than expected. Some things worked out waaayyy better than the best...

    I find that just going along for the ride is all I can expect of life. Not sure if that's right or wrong at this point in time.

    yeonassky thanked pennydesign
  • Rita / Bring Back Sophie 4 Real
    4 years ago

    Because of this:

    Some things worked out waaayyy better than the best... (Penny)

    I feel I can never complain about anything. I grew up with no belief in marriage whatsoever. I thought it was an outdated institution that existed to imprison women. I wanted to marry only to be able to have children. Miraculously, early on, I met the perfect person for me. And we have four children who are not perfect, but they are perfect for us.

    Insofar that I have given up on things, I will never have a close knit extended family. My husband's family are not close to him and they detest me. I am an only child from a small family. My mother died almost three years ago- she was my best friend. I thought we would become two little old ladies together, like the pensioners on Fawlty Towers.



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  • aprilneverends
    4 years ago

    This is one of *those* threads

    Thank you, DLM..I was struggling to put it into words. You said it simply and so very true. It's a very resonating one.

    I probably am a very obstinate person. I have but a few dreams left-but I'm not giving up on them. Uh-uh. They're very simple though.

    I probably did give up on being able to work, study, get another degree, learn French to be fluent, learn several other languages that were on my after-I-know-French list..travel to many places I have never been to, and wanted to see..to drive again, I gave up that dream much earlier

    now I'm much more humble. I dream to become a bit healthier, say to get back to where I was 5 years ago..I'd be already very happy. Then I'd be able to exercise a bit for example.Would make a huge difference. Would allow me to be more active, independent, you name it. I dream to live to see my grandchildren, hopefully even be a bit useful Grandma ...to go back to my country but in such a way that it doesn't stress out anyone I love too much..maybe to live here and there? it's very not simple, so I don't exactly know how to go about it but that would be the smartest thing of course. In my case. Lots of money and energy though are required. Energy is definitely my weak spot. Money, it seems with current prices and unexpected things to pay for, too:) We'll see.

    I've a lot of shortcomings, but I'm choosing life every time, and will continue to do so until I can. I hope I'll always have reasons to continue to do so to. My prayers don't bear particular power lately lol. But still.

    My other dream is others will continue to choose life too, so to say, and it will be some semblance of peace in the world. I understand it so doesn't depend on me it's not even funny. Yet it is my very honest dream.


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  • lucillle
    4 years ago

    Yeo, thank you for this thread. It made me think about my dreams.

    I probably am a very obstinate person. I have but a few dreams left-but I'm not giving up on them.

    This^^



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  • hhireno
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    Hhireno, guess you won't be dropping in to visit me after all ;).

    I’m 5’3” so an eight foot ceiling is high to me. I’m still willing to visit. Try again.

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  • hhireno
    4 years ago

    DLM, if it’s a matter of physical distance that you fear will interfere with your relationship with your granddaughter, you can use Skype or FaceTime to stay in her life. If she sees and hears you frequently, the distance won’t seem so great, and when you are together she’ll feel familiar and comfortable with you.

    Having Skype has made my relationship with my European niece and nephew much closer than the pre-Skype days relationship I had with another niece & nephew. Letters and phone calls just aren’t the same as seeing each other weekly, reading books together, and basically hanging out online.

    If the distance is a personality/in-law issue, then that is harder to overcome. Whatever it is, I hope you naivigate it successfully and have the relationship you desire.

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  • DLM2000-GW
    4 years ago

    hhireno thank for for the pep talk! Yes it's a distance thing. Since Skype is internet dependent and DS (and DIL until the baby was born) work for the national parks and internet is always iffy, our Skype opportunities are limited. Currently they drive to their little post office which has a strong open wifi signal and sit in the parking lot to Skype with us from the car - not ideal. They'll be here next week and then go back to CA to move their tiny house - DS accepted a position at Olympic Nat'l Park and we have no idea what the situation will be like there. There are always many moving parts in their lives.

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  • nutsaboutplants
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    Teaching my child to not be a spoiled brat and to show compassion and humility. When I was pregnant, I used to think that I needed to do that, to instill a sense of toleranc, fairness and justice.

    And, implicit in that expectation was that we would have a child that wouldn’t himself/herself need protection from intolerance and prejudice. It turned out that I was the one who needed to learn humility, as I gave birth to a child that we learned a couple of years later was autistic. As is always the case, life has a way of teaching us things. Also, as is always the case, you get to know the child you have rather than the hypothetical child you imagined before he/she comes into your life and to love that child for the wonderful human being they are. And yes, I do love, cherish and admire him for what he is, and there is so much to love and admire there. But my immaturity and implicit bias in my expectations and the irony of the whole thing still hits me when I think back.

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  • eld6161
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    DLM, I remember you talking about your DS's tiny house and we shared info about my DD's tiny studio. I didn't realize he was going to up and lift it elsewhere. Boo on that!

    Very hard for you. I hope you can arrange multiple visits as well as gifting them tickets to come and see you. I imagine as the child gets older there can be possibilities of longer summer visits with you.

    ETA:Nutsabout , we posted at the same time. ((((Hugs to you)))

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  • blfenton
    4 years ago

    Also, as is always the case, you get to know the child you have rather
    than the hypothetical child you imagined before he/she comes into your
    life and to love that child for the wonderful human being they are.
    - nutsaboutplants

    What a wise comment.

    I think we all get caught up in this. I am the first to admit that my children are not perfect, have shortcomings - just like their parents.


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  • bac717
    4 years ago

    It was the post from nutsaboutplants that jogged my memory of this perspective I read a long time ago, given to me when our daughter, now 29 years old, was going through some very serious medical issues. It was written by the mother of a son with Down's Syndrome. It's called Welcome to Holland.

    Welcome to Holland

    BY EMILY PERL KINGSLEY

    I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

    When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

    After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.” “Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

    But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

    So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you never would have met. It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice Holland has windmills…and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

    But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

    And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away…because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

    But…if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to go to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things…about Holland.

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  • Gooster
    4 years ago

    So many wonderful stories that were so great to read. Thank you all for that. It made me think about unfulfilled dreams and things yet left to accomplish. We've been fortunate and have been able to accomplish many things on some scale, but there are always things in the past that have fallen by the wayside.

    I remember as a child wanting to train more seriously in gymnastics. But it was expensive for my family and I focused elsewhere. I was very interested in architecture and design, but practicality (or self assessment of strengths) led me into other paths. Now, I question how far I want to go on that path. I always wanted society's ideal body type, but I'm learning to let that one go.

    Sitting in the Luberon this week chatting with the couple running the B&B makes the mind wander to new possibilities. We've always wanted a larger Spanish-style home -- we may yet fulfill that dream, but we prioritized others. New dreams can emerge as old ones fade away.

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  • H B
    4 years ago

    DLM, perhaps videotape yourself reading a story, then your grand can play it over and over, no WiFi required. My kids made a little photo book (just printed photos and put them in one of those $3 Walgreens plastic photo books) and their little cousin loved it. They can feel the heart, and know it’s you (my family is 3000 miles away).

    And love all these posts, it is making me think very hard about my dreams and what to do next in my life. And yes, if there was a magic wand, I’d wish for everyone to have their dreams become a reality. A very appreciative shout to everyone! And anyone wishing for grands....I will send my best thoughts, I didn’t start having kids until 39, so sometimes it works.

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  • hhireno
    4 years ago

    DLM, ah, I see, living in the boondocks, that does complicate things. But! Technology is changing and improving all the time so maybe there are affordable satellite dishes or personal hot spots or IDK what that will help you stay connected to them.

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  • Funkyart
    4 years ago

    I had a number of dreams as a young girl.. but I am not sad or regretful about those I didn't bring to life. One by one, as I approached a dream, I realized I'd miscalculated-- elevated the dream far above the reality. The best example is that I dreamed of being a college professor dedicating my life to scientific research. The reality is that academia and especially scientific research is highly political. I had the opportunity to meet my neuroscience idol and was crushed as I watched him bargain and negotiate support of a project -- not based on its merits but on what he could negotiate for himself and his post docs. I realized it was not the idyllic world I'd imagined. I don't see that as a dream lost.. but one reevaluated. That's life, no?

    At this point of my life, I have but a few dreams left. I'd like to regain my vision. I have surgery planned later this summer that I hope will put me on that path. I'd like to have a lovely small cottage away from suburbia and the city-- but close enough that I can get to the city in 20 -30 min. And I'd like to find a partner who I not only love-- but who I am at complete comfort with. I long for an easy loving lifestyle. I have been blessed with great love and passion in my life... so I don't feel as though I have missed out. What I haven't had is that kind of love that is easy and comfortable. No complications. No drama. Perhaps I am seeking something that doesn't exist-- but the books and movies tell me that relationships later in life can be beautiful and magical. Of course they do come with all the complications of being that much closer to the end-- but I guess there's something special in that too.

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  • justretired
    4 years ago

    DLM. Have you ever heard of a Filimin? You each have a Filimin that lights up when one of you touch it. A wonderful way to say hi, I love you or I’m thinking of you. Here is the link: https://filimin.com/

    it does require WiFi though so may not be an option for you.

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  • DLM2000-GW
    4 years ago

    justretired I had not heard of Filimin before - what a sweet concept! Thank you

  • lukkiirish
    4 years ago

    DLM, thank you for sharing your dream lost. Like you said there are stories that can hit home, yours certainly did for me but in a hopeful way. I don’t have grand children but missed my daughter so much that we moved 2000 miles across country so we could be closer to her and her husband. Of course it was a big adjustment and early on I sometimes wondered if we’d done the right thing. 13 years later I completely believe that we are where we are supposed to be. Maybe your’s is a dream that still has a chance? In the big scheme, is there really anything more important?

    I’ve had more dreams that fell by the wayside than I care to think about, however, there are a few that actually came true and that’s what I tend to focus on. Things like my family, our home and a little security. You don’t know how rich you are to have them until you don’t. right?

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  • littlebug zone 5 Missouri
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    I achieved many of the dreams I had as a child, most of which were related to the extreme poverty in which we lived. There’s one, however, I’m losing hope on:

    DH and I have 2 grown sons, both married, doing well, and with young children. Oldest DS is mature, loving, and considerate to us. Youngest, not so much. I loved him so very much and so hard when he was growing up. He is handsome, intelligent, athletic, charismatic, and gifted in many ways. He is also spoiled and it’s my fault. He was hard to say no to, so now he feels entitled and is arrogant and borderline inconsiderate to us.

    I read once that there’s not much worse than an ungrateful child. I dream that suddenly, someday, he’ll change. Because I still love him so much.

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  • Olychick
    4 years ago

    DLM, I'm not too far from Olympic National Park (depending on where in the park they'll be). Wish there was a way I could be a stand-in g'ma in your stead, but don't think that would be very satisfying for YOU!

    Rain forest...they may not be there long, lol!

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  • yeonassky
    Original Author
    4 years ago

    Wow thank you so much everyone! Just to answer a couple of comments this is the kind of question I ask myself that I dare not ask others except for one of my sisters ever. But here it's easy to ask these questions and lovely to get the answers. You're just lucky that I don't do this on a daily basis haha. In my head I do :-).

    Our dreams for our selves are difficult enough but I see many who like me have great dreams for our children. I'm trying for the 330 millionth time to get some help for my son for his migraines. That's a dream I can't let go of. That's a dream that I would give up my dreams for. So far it's just been a dream but I hope as somebody said here that it will turn into a goal reached.

    I'm hoping everyone reaches some semblance of all of your dreams.

  • DLM2000-GW
    4 years ago

    Oly - that's sweet of you but yes, I'd prefer to be there myself! They'll be in the Port Angeles area - I'm not certain exactly where yet (not sure if THEY'RE certain yet!) and hopefully we'll find an airbnb for visiting. Obviously with them living in a tiny house we won't stay with them so finding a place near them is important - and not a hotel because who wants to hang out in a hotel room?! We need a cottage/house to gather. This is their test for DIL - DS has lived/worked in WA before in Marblemount at Cascades and would make just about anywhere in western WA his permanent home. She's a southern CA girl and worried about the gray but they'll have the rain shadow in their favor.

  • Olychick
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    Oh, yes, they'll be on the right side of the peninsula! My late husband was offered a job in Forks; I said there was no way. NO way! I'm sure there are wonderful rentals in the area you'll find. If you find yourself needing a place, this is a great hotel option. I'm going stay there when catching the early ferry to Victoria this summer. Recommended by one of my friends.

    http://www.olympiclodge.com

  • sergeantcuff
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    I wrote something earlier this week but never posted it as my ramblings seemed too whiny. I had a bad week but reading this thread has been comforting to me. It's interesting that many are saddened that their familial connections have been less than ideal. I grew up with a pretty crazy family so I should never have had any expectations. But I dreamed I could be like Flora in Cold Comfort Farm (if any one has read that book or seen the movie). She is SO capable and manages to fix everyone's problems. Right now, I would be satisfied if my children would be content with their lives. My older son has always been unsettled and if he could just pull himself together I could relax a little bit. There's still hope there.

    I never really had any dreams. My parents thought that dreams were for other people - richer, luckier, smarter people. I do wish that I could have found a career or some meaningful work, but I did not enjoy the jobs I had after college and after I quit to "stay home" with my children, take care of my parents , and try to put out the personal fires of my numerous siblings, the real world had passed me by. I think only "reclusive author" would suit me now but I am a terrible writer.

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  • pennydesign
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    Yeo, I sympathize. I had a couple of days this week with rolling migraines...five on one day and four on another.

    I think I'm going to go back to botox for them. I hope your son finds some relief. :(

    My number one "dream" is to sleep. I want to get into bed, fall asleep within 20 minutes and stay asleep until the morning. Such a simple want...

    yeonassky thanked pennydesign
  • hooked123
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    Such a great thread! So many things have happened in my life that I never imagined could happen. Even my relatives and friends have told me they are shocked at certain successes. One thing I didn’t plan on was how financial stability could strain my extended family relationships. Sometimes I don’t know how to handle the decline in relationships that are SO important to me due to jealousy and immaturity. My husband likes nice things and it is almost embarrassing when my family comes to visit.

    My Aunt called the other day and asked what kind of car I am driving. What kind of question is that. I know what’s behind it, jealous family gossip. My extended family says that all I care about is money. That isn’t true at all. I see money as a means to put my children through excellent schools, and have the ability to live a nice lifestyle. I came from poverty. My extended family wears their poverty like a chip on their shoulder proclaiming how money has never meant anything to them. I think that’s why I was determined to have a stable lifestyle. I had to steal my first bra and I held it together for years with safety pins.

    The dreams of being close to anyone in my family other then my children and husband are crashing around me with every advance in my husband’s career. My sibling even said to me that it must be nice to have a perfect life. I don’t have a perfect life. I have many struggles. My extended family is poor, and I KNOW that struggle. I know what it’s like to not be able to purchase whatever I want at the grocery store or pay the rent. That’s why money is important to me, it’s not the most important thing though, family is...but my extended family is becoming strangers to me. I have tried, but I don’t know that anything can be done. Part of the problem is that my husband has bought my children and myself nice cars....used cars but nice nonetheless. Another part of the problem is with them. They blow every penny they get, they can’t save a penny. I guess some successes/ dreams cause others to tumble down.

    I don’t know how to respond to all the petty, jealous comments from my relatives and it makes me uncomfortable and sad. Truthfully, I never imagined this would ever happen. My husband has worked HARD...day and night. Why do I have to be embarrassed because he wants some nice things and they see those things when they visit...then again my heart breaks for them. My sibling who doesn’t want to work more than part-time asked me for money a few months ago. I said no. Why should I give money to a person who is able to work full-time but doesn’t choose to. I think I will regret that the rest of my life as that person declared war on my character to the rest of the family.

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  • blfenton
    4 years ago

    Don't regret saying no. If you had said yes, someone else in your family probably would have declared war on your character. You can only take care of and protect yourself, your husband and your children. What a tough situation for you.

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  • Olychick
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    I'm sorry you're experiencing that treatment by your family. There is really no solution other than holding your head high, being proud of your sacrifices and accomplishments. For those of us who have no family, we have had to build it through community and friendships. People who love you because they want to, not because they are supposed to. That may be your path to love and acceptance; friends who become your chosen family. Life is really too short to let other people's jealousies and pettiness make you feel bad. There is no way to control them, what they think or say. You can only choose to control the contact they have with you and your children and the power you give to their words and actions.

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  • DLM2000-GW
    4 years ago

    ((sabbath)) it is heartbreaking to realize the relationships with family are not based on what really matters and that petty jealousy can undermine them so deeply. Wise words from oly about choosing your family. No one need ever feel guilty or apologize for successes in life that are the result of honesty and hard work.

    eld I'm confused.....were you writing about your life or mine? Your words caught my breath because they are so familiar.

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  • Bestyears
    4 years ago

    Sabbath -you described so beautifully what I have felt in my own extended family, and honestly, recognizing my difficulties in your words took the sting out of it a little. My husband and I are not wealthy but we have made a nice life for ourselves by working hard, living beneath our means, and keeping our wants simple. We don't in any way flaunt this (quite the opposite actually), and yet it seems to breed so much resentment, and I too have heard the 'must be nice to have a perfect life' comments. I have spent more hours than I should have trying to figure out how to make amends, how to be closer, how to show my love to them, but it often just feels like there is a wall of disdain around us....

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  • aprilneverends
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    It's painful to read even about extended family that judges and holds things against you and counts your sins or successes or whatever they decide to count.

    I come from a very close knit family that will always help, embrace, be proud of your success, be sad with your sadness(that backfires though since lots of sad things don't get shared..or get shared too late..), be your everything. Even if a distant relative-you'll do everything in your power for them if needed. If they're successful -in whatever-you're proud of them as hell.

    Now when reading I realize how lucky I've been in this aspect, and how much it kept me afloat. Just the thought of them would keep me afloat sometimes.

    I wish things to be better for you..I do believe in change, you know? It's dynamics; the change is complicated yet possible. Priorities get straightened as time goes by and folks realize what truly matter. They know, theoretically ; but in order to really feel it, sometimes one needs to, well, live a bit more. And it's more or less same things that truly matter. Why every generation needs to figure it out yet again sometimes, that's another question..

    and thank you eld for pointing out difference between dreams and hopes..made me think what is it I do really have..)) nowadays, I mean..

    PS yes to more sleep, and yes to no migraines..annoying to no end, and leaves one dysfunctional for days in a row. Even with strong specific pills, it's just getting by.

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  • l pinkmountain
    4 years ago

    Penny I am so sorry to hear about your migraines. One dream I had to give up was ever "getting over" them, but I did learn how to live with them and manage them . . . somewhat. They still kicked my butt. Notice this is in past tense now. On the plus side, mine subsided with menopause and I hardly ever get them now, maybe once a month, tops. So I had to let go of my dream of having kids, but I did get relief from my migraines.

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  • Gooster
    4 years ago

    @DKN2000: Marblemount? Your DS must be a Ranger. I had a summer job for two seasons not far from there, further up into the park. I've not seen that name in ages. You should be able to find part time rentals up near PA --- and don't miss the ferry to Victoria.

    @sabbath7 -- your post made me realize how fortunate I am for an extended family that would not think of pressing for help when it's truly not needed. I'm certain you would be willing to help in a crisis, but when it's not truly needed (and a result of personal choices) and comes with vindictiveness, that's truly distressing.


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  • Indigo Rose
    4 years ago

    Sabbath - I hope you can work through your guilt. I applaud the boundaries you set and the action you took. Frankly, under the circumstances, I wouldn't have sent the $200. and would not feel an ounce of guilt.

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  • pennydesign
    4 years ago

    I hear a lot of guilt in your words, sabbath. I wish there was a magic formula for letting go of that guilt. Trust me I've tried hard my whole life and I haven't found it yet.

    I do very much hope that you can begin to compartmentalize a bit...understand that your guilt is separate from the behaviors of others. One you have to live with with and the other you don't.

    (It's entirely possible that my words make zero sense today...I'm sorry about that in advance)

    I'm glad we have this place to share and vent and not be judged..

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  • 3katz4me
    4 years ago

    Sabbath - I can somewhat relate to the guilt. I grew up in a family that always struggled to make ends meet including my 65 year old brother who died last year. My parents were kind of born into it but addiction played a role in my entire family's life difficulties. Somehow I rose out of the dysfunction to have a very successful and lucrative career and a life free of addiction. I felt especially guilty when it was just my one brother and me left. He was one step from being homeless. In my case it was always just my guilt. No one ever asked anything of me and even when I offered to help, my brother declined. Whatever difficulties my parents had, they did instill in all of us that you're responsible for your own life and how it turns out. Even though no one in my immediate family is alive anymore I still feel guilty about what a comfortable life I have when all of theirs were so difficult. Not a week goes by that I don't think about it.

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  • blfenton
    4 years ago

    @sergeantcuff - Your last paragraph rang very true for me. Dreams being for others, finishing school with my business degree, quitting work (tired of male clients not wanting to deal with women, tired of fighting for equal pay, this was in the 70's), becoming an at home mom and then caregiver for my mom and trying to get my siblings to understand that yes, mom has Alzheimers. Siiiiigggghhhh!

    You can become the reclusive author. I'm thinking of becoming a cat lady. I have two cats now, I wonder how many more I need.

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  • hooked123
    4 years ago

    You all are amazing!! Thank you so much for all of your honesty.

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  • Rita / Bring Back Sophie 4 Real
    4 years ago

    As I read everyone's responses to yeonassky's thoughtful question, many things come to mind, but I am unable to articulate much right now. I am grateful for the depth of friendship and honesty being offered across this forum.

    yeonassky thanked Rita / Bring Back Sophie 4 Real
  • Olychick
    4 years ago

    Sabbath, there are givers and takers. Givers have their limits (usually) but takers have none. No matter what you might feel like doing to try to help, it would never be enough. So, keep your money for you and your kids. If you fear your mom and sister are going hungry, send them a grocery store gift certificate once in a while.

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  • gardener123wewantsophie
    4 years ago

    Reading through these makes me nostalgic, a little melancholy, and yet still hopeful. The older I get, the less I remember the dreams of my youth. Those are the easy dreams to let go. As life forges, changes, and redirects us, what is important changes too. Some of what I used to dream about, I wouldn't want now.

    The disappointments that hit home are where I am powerless to make something/someone better. I have learned that I cannot control the universe. I used to think I could, and at times I still try. But ultimately everyone gets to make their own life choices, and I have (sort of) made peace with that. I still try, but I don't beat myself up so much when my attempts fail. I have not given up on the belief that faith and love and strength can accomplish great things, even if that great thing is almost imperceptible, incremental... I have learned I cannot save the world, but I can save the part of me that wants to keep trying.

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  • yeonassky
    Original Author
    4 years ago

    Sabbath you have nothing to feel guilty about. As many have said you only need to continue to stand your ground and firmly act on what you believe!

    Migraines were what kept me from having any kind of a life for 35 years. I wish they had gone away at menopause but it took alternative food choices and herbal medicines. Nothing from the doctor ever worked for me or my son. I had tried many times in many different ways to get rid of the my migraines but I could never find the right combination. Until I did. :-). My food and nutrients combination does not work on my son. :(

  • runninginplace
    4 years ago

    "I have learned that I cannot control the universe. I used to think I could, and at times I still try. But ultimately everyone gets to make their own life choices, and I have (sort of) made peace with that. I still try, but I don't beat myself up so much when my attempts fail."

    Gardener, what a powerful message and how perfectly expressed! One thing I truly appreciate about aging is coming to a similar place in my own life. I still try to do my best to help and I still work hard to be useful.

    Yet I've also come to know that I only control myself not others, and I've come to accept that I cannot and should not feel responsible for others' actions and decisions. Such a simple philosophy and yet so very hard to learn!


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  • gardener123wewantsophie
    4 years ago

    "Yet I've also come to know that I only control myself not others, and I've come to accept that I cannot and should not feel responsible for others' actions and decisions. Such a simple philosophy and yet so very hard to learn!"

    So true, running, so very true.

    Sabbath, my friend, are you listening? Do not let the actions of other's steal your peace of mind.

    Yeo, I hope you hit on the right solution for your son's migraines. Do not give up!


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  • sableincal
    4 years ago

    Bac 717 - Thank you so much for posting the story of Welcome to Holland. Reading all these fascinating stories I intended to post it myself, but you did the job! I first read it in a book about babies and toddlers with Gerd, which our grandson was diagnosed with just a few weeks after birth. It looked so grim for so many months, but finally he began to improve and now, age 10, he is just fine, and has been for years. Learning to accept and adjust to a "big" situation we had not planned for is probably one of life's greatest lessons. Easy to say, so difficult sometimes to do!

    For those suffering from migraines - there was news just last night about a new treatment that is bringing great improvement in about 50% of all cases. Fortunately, mine have pretty much ceased as I've gotten older.

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