Sue, that is a very valid point and I agree completely that it is extremely important for a woman to have the means to provide for herself should something happen, whether it be divorce, death, incapacitation, or something else. As everyone knows, there simply is no way to guarantee everything, so you can never completely protect yourself from all contingencies, but it is very unwise to simply trust in the fates (or whatever) to see you through. It is imperative to have some sort of plan in mind for securing an income should something happen. My parents were adamant about all of us kids getting an education, regardless of career plans. I'm very glad about that. I had a degree when I was married to my first husband but didn't use it. I worked part-time managing a clothing store, a fun but low-paying job. When it became apparent that I had to get out of my marriage, I realized that my husband would make it extremely difficult, would do whatever he could to avoid paying anything, and that my job would never provide for my family. So, I stayed married an extra year and a half while I got another degree with better income potential and a teaching credential. It was somewhat underhanded but it was literally my life and the well being of my children at stake. I had a good job when I was finally able to get out of my marriage. It was still very tough. When I remarried (stayed single for 15 years by choice), I wished to retain my own accounts and my name. I have good insurance should anything happen to dh, a good prenup that sees to my needs and those of my children from my first marriage, and also protects dh's property for him and our children together. Sure, no one thinks divorce will happen to them, but it CAN happen. Even if your feelings never change, you cannot guarantee your partner's feelings. It also is not a sign that you don't trust the person to simply get a legal definition of what belongs to whom and protect it. I have a lot of autonomy with financial matters as I kept my own accounts, separate from dh. We have a system for paying bills that works well for us and provides me some security with how the money is disbursed. There is a whole area of finances that I have no clue about, but it is dh's trust fund and not my money unless he puts it into joint tenancy areas, such as the house, family purchases, etc. The same is true for me. I put the money from the sale of my house into an account that has nothing to do with dh, and he does not feel he needs to know what I do or don't do with it. I have insurance to cover death or disability so I wouldn't be compelled to sell the house or immediately find a job. I have a nest egg to see me through as well. When we married, I chose to take my dh's name because I liked our family all having the same last name. However, I studied the options carefully and found that if I added my own last name as a second middle name, it gave me the flexibility of using that sometimes, too. There is no legal way to have both last names as last names without using both, if you know what I mean. If you're Cheri Jones Smith, you can't sometimes go by Jones and sometimes Smith, you always have to be Jones Smith. I wanted to be able to use one for some things and one for another. For instance, I liked using my "own" last name for work and on my credit cards. I didn't want a hyphenated name nor did I want a double last name, so using my own last name as a second middle name suited me well. On documents, including my ID, it looks like two last names, which allows me to use my maiden name when I choose, but also gives me my husband's name as my legal last name so when you look me up somewhere, you can find me. Do you know what I mean? Say my maiden name was Jones and my married name was Smith. I am Cheri Ann Jones Smith on my ID. My first name is Cheri, my middle name is Ann Jones, and my last name is Smith. If my legal last name was Jones Smith, you would have to look me up under Jones and I would have to use both when signing checks, etc. I don't know that keeping my credit cards in my maiden name is exactly legal, but no one has ever questioned it. They simply look at my ID and say ok. Sorry for that long ramble! But yes, it's very important to have backup plans in anything you do. You just never know. I have the advantage of age and experience; a young woman would likely have much less protection than I, and I would urge that she get a good education or job certification in a field that would allow her to find a job if the need arose.

Tara- Personally, I think my son really needs the interaction with other kids.(and I need the interaction with other grown ups!) There are plenty of free ways to do this, though. Network with the moms at gymnastics, start getting together for a play date every once and awhile- it's a good experience for your daughter to learn important things like sharing, as well as the joy of making friends. DS has a few close friends, and I can't tell you how much joy they bring him, even at 3 yrs old. The park is another great place to meet moms and kids. In our town, there is also the Parks and Recreation guide that generally has a few 'mommy n me' type classes. less expensive than daycare but a good way to make friends for her. I'm a SAHM and DS is in a home based daycare a few hours a week. My husband works long hours, and I do not have any family members close by that can help to relieve the monotony of SAHM-ness. For us, I know it's better that I get a small break a few hours a week than sit at home being unhappy with the same-ness of it all. I know it's not like that for everyone, but I really need a break now and then. DS loves his daycare provider, who is now like family to us. I get a much needed break, and DS gets an opportunity to play, sing, dance and have fun with other kids. It's perfect for both of us. There are also co-op preschools that are MUCH less expensive, do require a few days per month of work, but would offer your daughter the stimulation she might enjoy. You might consider taking her to observe a preschool you are interested in and could afford. If she responds enthusiastically and really enjoys herself, maybe she is ready for more stimulation than she's getting at home. Since all kids are different, only you can really determine what she needs. Good luck! :)

I totally agree Kathline. My SD's mom does not blame my husband, she tells SD (and everyone who will listen) that DH is the nicest guy and would NEVER do any of this if I wasn't making him. In a way, she's right. DH is mild mannered and let things go and when we got together, BM would do things to mess with our life. She would find out we have plans for a weekend she has her daughter and call him at the last minute saying she can't keep her, can he take her PLEASE? He has never said no, so our plans would get ruined. I'd rearrange the weekend to include their daughter and when she'd go back and tell her mom we had fun, her mom would call and yell at DH that she doesn't want me to do this or that with her daughter, she is the mom, I am not. He would get all stressed out over her ranting phone calls and it caused tension between us. I was trying to be accommodating to BM when she had him keep SD on her weekends, but I think her plan was for us to have conflict over her daughter ruining our plans. Our conflict was over BM's ranting phone calls after every weekend. He was getting frustrated because she had never been that bad before but when SD spent time (and enjoyed it) with me, BM went off the deep end. So, it was DH's complaints to me that prompted me to help him take the necessary steps to get his legal rights to his daughter and that meant the court process, so yes, I supported him 125% and helped pay for it and BM is right that if I was not around, he probably would never have done all this. But, if I were not around, would BM have made his life so miserable that he felt he had to do something? Her reaction to our relationship is what started it all and her plan to run me off, using her daughter as part of it, did not work. She either doesn't realize it or want to admit it to herself, that DH does what he wants to do. I can't 'force' him to go to court. I can't get him to take a day off from work for very much, he only took three days off for our honeymoon. But, he takes time off for court (for his daughter) and school things with no problem. (well, he does worry about losing too much time from work because he's on commission when BM doesn't show up for court or continues it, that annoys him) But, back to the point, BM blames the whole thing on me. My relationship is somewhat strained because her mom discusses everything with her (and in pseudo's case as well) but I have been thinking about taking some of TOS's advice, 'kids have the right to know the truth.' I know that if they do anything to BM, she will blame it on me. She already told SD that she can't come to her school because she HAS to go to a job interview. So, it is our fault she can't come to the school because if she didn't have to pay child support, she wouldn't have to go to a job interview and this is how she presents it to her daughter. So, should she be told the truth? Her mom needs to work to help BF pay for their house. Her mom and dad are responsible for buying her stuff, not me. If I don't buy it and mom isn't working, it means dad has to get another job and can't spend much time with her. or how about 'grown ups are supposed to work'. If she loses her license and blames me for not being able to see her daughter (which she will). Same if she goes to jail. She already has bad credit but she will certainly blame me for giving her bad credit. She already tells her it's my fault they have no money, she can't buy her things because I made daddy take her to court blah blah blah The way I see it, it doesn't matter what, she is going to blame me regardless. I don't think a parent should be allowed to get away with something because they are manipulative and place blame or responsibility for everything on everyone else. Maybe my husband should tell her that he'd be in jail if he didn't feed and clothe her. Maybe if she were in jail, SD would be upset about it but BM wouldn't be feeding her all the lies because she wouldn't have the opportunity. I don't want to see parents in jail for not supporting their kids, I'd like to see parents having pride in supporting their kids. and yes, my son's father has been in jail a few times and while most were for other reasons, he has been to jail at least once for non payment. He hasn't filed taxes in over 20 years and can't get a drivers license. (I think he has gone to jail for driving without a license and when he was arrested for no license, they found other things to charge him with) My daughter's father hasn't had a license so he also may have been arrested. I know he was in jail last year, but I don't know why. His daughter told my daughter on myspace that he was in jail but wouldn't say why but was angry at my daughter so I assume it might have to do with child support. I haven't been contacted but did start getting some payments soon after that. He's in another state and I haven't looked into what is being done to collect. My middle son's father wasn't adjudicated as the father until after he was 18. He owes back support and has paid it on time, in full every month. I think the bottom line is that if nobody complains about the non payment of support, then there are too many cases to go after every deadbeat, mom or dad. I do see mom's getting more sympathy in the courtroom than dad's, but I think if nobody complains in the first place, there would be no action taken against mom or dad. I've seen the Judge rip a dad apart for losing his job and not finding some way to pay, but with mom's they are more sympathetic. I think if my husband had lied about his income and refused to bring proof and BM said it was more, the court would have taken her word and used the higher income. I see there is less bias than there used to be, but some still exists.

(and I think we have quite a few of them at the KT....) I ran across this ad in my daily freelancing search. It looks like a nice opportunity for a writing mom who'd like to earn some extra money.