You certainly weren't expecting it to be this way, were you? You and your wife have vastly different parenting standards. Without serious intervention and agreement to specific changes, this isnt going to change. And you would likely confront these issues if you had a biological child of your own with her. My personal opinion is that if she won't address this NOW, with the help of a professional, than you should spare yourself the possible years of grief ahead and get out now. As step parents, we are here to support our spouses. But if their decisions are so fundamentally opposed to ours, how can that be done? The best scenario is to figure this out BEFORE getting married....but that is not always possible. People change, and when we are dating, we don't always see the bigger, longer term picture. You sound desperate, and it is understandable. Please seek professional help asap. You need to manage your own stress. Ask for a referral for you and your wife to seek help together. If she wont go, IT ISNT YOUR FAULT. You need to do something, and you will feel better and begin to think more clearly with an expert helping you. Allowing the children to behave in the way you described is not acceptable. You have reason to be concerned about the future!

Lazygardens, I'm sure you're not far from the truth! I have to admit I have thought many times how much easier this situation could be if he were a widow :-) Mom 2 4, regarding the divorce and length of time it has taken for the legal separation, this can be summed up in one word - finances. In Canada, you must wait one year from the date of separation to file for divorce and many couples, especially with children, considerable assets, and where there are issues of spousal support, go the route of a legal separation agreement to deal with these issues. Once the year has passed, this document can be filed with the application for the divorce and becomes the divorce agreement. These issues can also be brought before a judge, prior to a divorce and orders made with respect to child support, spousal support, the matrimonial home and the division of assets. Instead of taking their issues before a judge, they decided that they could work this out between themselves and their respective lawyers and have an agreement drawn up that would be satisfactory to both. I won't go into all of the issues that turned all of that into a nightmare, but after it became clear they could not work things out between themselves, they tried a mediator, which cost a fair bit of money and got little resolved. At that point, he now sees that he should have pursued the court option but at the time, he was already under a mountain of legal bills. Theirs was a very complicated situation financially that could have dragged on even longer in the courts. In the end, he gave in and walked away with very little. Maybe that was a mistake, and maybe it was fueled in many ways by guilt but it's what he felt he needed to do at the time and a decision he has to live with. The timing for filing for the divorce is purely financial since he will have to absorb the entire cost if he is the one filing. This may sound like a lame excuse but he is just now finishing paying all of the legal bills for the separation agreement. I think you are right in suggesting that in many ways, he has done things to encourage her behaviour. He is in no way the innocent either when it comes to his behaviour toward her and he has come to realize that the hard way. I do believe he has a lot of guilt over the break up of the family but there is no interest on his part in reconciling with her. He really just wants to try to make their relationship better so that his sons don't suffer the consequences any more. I know she will never go away and I have no doubt she will try her best to turns his sons against me. There is nothing I can do about that. I can only hope that they will form their own opinion based on my actions and my character. As for not seeing the big picture, you're wrong. I know more about the big picture than I care to at times. I did a lot of soul searching before I decided to make the step and meet his children. I knew then everything that had gone on and decided I was strong enough to handle it because I think he is worth it. I appreciate your concern and the warnings but I really do want to make this work. I posted on this site because I really need some good advice on how to proceed in slowly building a relationship with his children and some guidance so that I don't make mistakes with them that will later prove fatal. I don't want them to suffer the wrath of their mother, simply because I exist and I honestly don't know what I can do or what he can do to make that situation better. I know from reading many of the posts on this site that there are some very sad situations out there but also some rewarding successes. As a step child myself, I have experienced both and maybe that's where all my hope comes from. It's funny, but I see so much of myself in some of the teenage SD stories. I was the SD from hell for a couple of years! My step mother and father are still married 16 years later and they have a good laugh at my expense sometimes over some of my antics. I really don't know how my step mother hung in there but she did and she loved me and was there for me no matter what a little B**** I was. I have seen many posts where people have hoped that one day their step children will appreciate what they did for them and I can promise you that at least some of them will.

Housefairy-- To post a link, simply copy the link, then paste it into the "optional link url" box below the message box. Then type a name for the link (whatever you want to call it) in the "name of the link" box below the url link box. When you hit preview, you'll see it as it will appear. If not, repeat and make sure you've got it right. Hope that helps---it makes it so much easier for everyone to see your pictures (and we love seeing pictures). To post a picture directly into the message (even easier for all of us), just click on the words 'HTML code' below your photo in your photobucket account. A yellow "copied" small icon will appear. Then go to your message and paste that link into your message wherever you'd like it to be. To paste another photo, just hit return, and repeat. When you preview, you'll see your photos as they will appear for us. If not, try again. HTH Here is a link that might be useful:

Nina, In most parts of Oklahoma the summer weather, particularly the heat but the sunshine as well, is brutally hard on raspberries, especially in the hotter and drier years. They'll do best in afternoon shade, and you're going to be growing them in afternoon sun, which is even more challenging. First, to address the zone 7 issue. Many plants that are said to be hardy in zone 7 may be cold hardy in zone 7 in some parts of the country---but zone 7 is not the same everywhere. All that being in zone 7 tells you is what the range of your average minimum temperatures is----so zone 7 in Oregon could be quite different from zone 7 in Oklahoma or Texas or Long Island, NY. Even though all those diverse areas have minimum low temperatures in the same range (0-10 degrees Fahrenheit), they have different climates overall. The zone maps commonly used are only reliable as a reference for cold hardiness, not hot hardiness. So, keep that in mind when choosing plants. In our climate, the AHS Heat Zone Map is a more reliable indicator of whether a given type of plant can thrive here, but even it is based on the plants being kept in moist soil at all times, which is incredibly hard to do in our heat, particularly in containers. Even letting a plant get too dry once can make it underperform compared to its AHS Heat Zone rating. Blackberries are more commonly grown in Oklahoma because they tolerate our erratic weather better than raspberry plants do. Often, with raspberries, a little warm spell in winter or late spring causes them to break dormancy and leaf out, and then when we have a return to colder spring weather, the new foliage and canes can indeed suffer freeze damage. That may be what happened with your plants. Since the damage isn't spreading, that's my best guess about what happened. If it were spreading and if you are in an area that has received plentiful spring rainfall, I'd be thinking it might be a fungal disease. Since it seems more likely that it is cold damage, you have two choices: you can go ahead and prune off the damaged canes since it is likely the scorched leaves aren't conducting photosynthesis and therefore aren't helping the plant, or you can wait a couple of weeks and see if the old leaves fall off and are replaced by new ones. With regard to the soil-less mix being well-draining, that may be an issue as well. In Oklahoma, it can be really hard to keep containerized plants moist enough in July's and August's extreme heat. In our hottest, driest summers I have had to water tomato plants grown in 10-20 gallon containers up to 4 times a day to keep the soil evenly moist. It is hard to keep plants moist on summer days when the high temperature exceeds 100-110 degrees, especially if that weather goes on for many weeks. I find it easiest to keep them on a drip irrigation system with a timer, but you still have to adjust your timer as the summer weather can fluctuate from flooding rains to no rain at all for long periods. I'll link the OSU Fact Sheet on Growing Blackberries and Raspberries in Oklahoma for you, but be advised it mostly is about how to grow blackberries since growing raspberries in our state is not recommended by OSU. Some people do grow raspberries here but it takes an extraordinary amount of effort and attention to detail, as well as some luck and cooperation from the weather, and raspberry production tends to be lower than blackberry production. Dawn Growing Blackberries & Raspberries In Oklahoma