On backing down and just walking away ...

7 years ago

last modified: 7 years ago

I was shocked and deeply saddened to learn of a shooting that happened yesterday in the parking lot of the grocery store where we routinely shop. Apparently there was a "discussion" between two men over a door ding that one inflicted to the vehicle of the other that escalated into an altercation with both men making threats that they had guns. When one "made a move" behind his back that the other deemed threatening, the other shot him numerous times. The man who was shot (who did not, as it turns out, have a gun) died at a local hospital. He was 28 years old, married with a young daughter and was soon to become a father for the second time.

It's all so pointless and stupid. One man's life is gone. The lives of his wife and children are permanently altered. The man who did the shooting - his life, and that of his family is also changed forever. Even the lives of those who work at the grocery store have changed. Nobody "deserved" this, and it breaks my heart.

I am not posting to stir up a hornet's nest of discussion about guns. I feel pretty strongly about guns myself, but that's neither here nor there. What I believe a situation like this speaks to is possessing the ability - the inner strength, if you will - to back down and not allow a situation to escalate. I think this speaks to the importance of not engaging with a stranger over a perceived slight, even if there is property damage involved. I even think this speaks to us all in paying close attention to how we interact with other drivers on the road, particularly those who are aggressive or erratic. I confess that I sometimes struggle with wanting to make eye contact and stare them down, wanting to throw my hands up at them as though to indicate how idiotic they are. (My desire to raise my middle finger has waned, but that's not to say that I'm always passive when it comes to letting my annoyance be known.)

I write these things to encourage myself, as well as others, to remain calm in all situations, and if things become heated - disengage instantly. Walk away. Hell, run away if you have to. Forget about standing up for yourself and your "rights" when it comes to something that is inconsequential in the overall scheme of things. If it becomes even remotely clear to you that you're dealing with someone who is "not quite right" - get yourself away from them as quickly as you possibly can. Please.

I thought perhaps this would be a good place to share de-escalation strategies and thoughts on how to become a good peacemaker.

Featured Answer

texanjana

7 years ago

last modified: 7 years ago

I can be a victim or I can increase my chances of survival by leveling the playing field. If a gun toting burglar has a choice of breaking into a house where he knows it's protected by firearms or one that has no firearms, which one is he likely going to break into?

Except study after study has disproven this theory. A gun in your home means you, not the criminal, are more likely to die by homicide or suicide.

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Comments (40)

maire_cate
7 years ago
I agree with you that we should disengage when someone doesn't seem 'quite right' - unfortunately these things seems to happen so quickly I wonder if I could assess the situation fast enough.

I was parked at LL Bean last year and a woman pulled into the spot next to me and her husband got out of the passenger side and slammed his door into my driver's side door. I was astonished at how it made my car shook. I immediately lowered the window which caught his attention. I think his wife was upset and I just looked at him and wished him a lovely day.....and then as he turned to walk away said I hoped he would be luckier than I just was and that no one would dent his car like he had dented mine. He just walked away.

I have no idea what possessed me to say that. Normally I am non-confrontational to the extreme. I'd never interact with another driver who is driving aggressively and seldom blow my horn unless it's to alert another driver. I think I spoke up because I usually look for an open spot far away from other cars where I less chance of getting dinged or hit by a shopping cart. And I have no clue why this woman pulled in next to me when there were so many other open spots closer to the store. The man had plenty of room to exit his car without hitting mine but he opened the door all the way.

But now that I think of this story again perhaps the man thought I 'wasn't quite right'!

Maire
kittymoonbeam
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
Yes, it's a dangerous world. Anger is now fine to show. Angry words are fine to speak. Anger is a powerful thing. People need to know how to handle it. No it's not ok to yell at anyone except to warn of an emergency. People have lost their way. It's better to let an angry person be. A man was yelling at me for something that was not my fault. He was saying rude things, making threatening physical gestures. I felt scared. I kept calmly asking for explanation. Finally he came to see I had nothing to do with what was upsetting him. He said he was sorry and left. I felt sorry for him. His anger was controlling him not him in control instead.

Many times people speak/act in anger when in reality they are sad. You let them talk and find out they are hurting. Many people today are hurting. The stress of it is crushing. Anger is the result many times. What we need is healing, compassion, understanding and a view that rage never helps anything. This anger will continue until we reach out with another idea. Tell tv and movie people no more anger as entertainment. Our kids think it's ok and I worry about it.
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User
Original Author
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
I too think about how quickly these things escalate, and wonder if I could assess things accurately and fast enough. My immediate response is probably like that of most other people - utter shock and outrage that someone has "inflicted" something on me or my personal property. I can only imagine how it would feel to have someone open their car door right into me, and I'm sure my instinctive reaction would be to protect what is mine. I can see myself turning livid. Oh, how I long to have a clear head and right thinking when it comes to stuff like this though.
always1stepbehind
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
I agree 100% ida. So senseless...over a ding on a car. ETA: It's always my thought when people confront others, you never know who you're dealing with. Very scary.
User
7 years ago
GREAT advice.

You don't know if someone is unhinged and packing. Or, if they'll use something else as a weapon, like their car.
OutsidePlaying
7 years ago
I agree, but it's hard for me to back off sometimes. Thanks for the encouragement to do so Ida. I know in my head what to do. But when people act so self-absorbed and childishly (like the guy at LL Bean) it does make me wonder why the rest of us have to just sit back and take it.

Tell tv and movie people no more anger as entertainment. Our kids think it's ok and I worry about it. That's the truth. I just read an article about super-heroes and their affect on elevated aggression in kids. Didn't take a big multi-million dollar study to figure that out. Just go ask a bunch of Moms.
Jmc101
7 years ago
I don't HAVE to back off. I maintain my complete power by CHOOSING to back off. I have no idea who has weapons and who will use them. So, in the interest of self-preservation, I ignore and quickly move along. And that is my choice.
Rudebekia
7 years ago
There are so many angry and aggressive drivers these days. I have noticed a huge escalation in this over the last years. As soon as I see an aggressive driver I tell myself to "get away" as far as possible.
H B
7 years ago
IdaClaire, that is really sad. Mimipadv is absolutely right. You never know what someone has in their purse or pocket and how motivated they would be to use it, unfortunately. Well, and I'm not a huge person and not very well coordinated, someone could probably just beat me up pretty easily if they were motivated! (So yes, I would try to stay away from that!).
User
7 years ago
I've been chased by a driver in another car twice. Let me tell you, it's frightening!

A pissed off idiot in a 2000-pound vehicle will scare the bejeebus out of you!
User
Original Author
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
I said I wasn't going to make this about guns - and I'm not - but it doesn't escape me that if guns were not a part of the equation, the outcome for the two men in my grocery store parking lot could've been a lot different. Maybe someone would've gone to the hospital with broken bones, but not died from being shot numerous times at close range. Maybe the altercation would have been a stupid mistake that both parties recovered and moved on from eventually. But this? This is just so incredibly sad. I have learned that the victim was to be a father for the second time in about a month. His poor wife -- what a heartbreak for her to endure.

Not knowing who's packing what is definitely reason not to engage. And it's true that vehicles are being used - seems increasingly so, doesn't it? - to assault. I saw film footage on the news just yesterday of a woman aiming her car at a man and going after him on the sidewalk, eventually running him down and killing him.

I think we do need to find our power in backing down. Being meek does not mean being weak; in fact, it takes tremendous fortitude to walk away.

I appreciate that nobody here has said this is more of an issue for men; younger guys with raging testosterone - that sort of thing. Many years ago while driving I raised my middle finger to a group of girls in a car who had blatantly cut me off, and they became enraged, following me on side roads and on the highway until I eventually lost them. I was petrified, and wasn't sure where the police station was so I just kept driving. (I was much younger and much dumber.) I think we're all aware that rage is not bound by gender.
deegw
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
The other day I was walking during the afternoon in a very open park in a very suburban upper class neighborhood. On the ground I found a 9mm magazine filled with bullets. That was sobering. If people are carrying walking around that park in the middle of the day, they are carrying everywhere.
ladypat1
7 years ago
Some woman leaving a Chiefs football game had her back window shot out because she let a car out in front of her and the person behind her didn't like it. She was interviewed because her family now had no car for the handicapped daughter's wheelchair to fit in, until they could get it repaired. Can't even be nice anymore. .....
chispa
7 years ago
Well, our suburban upper class neighborhood is the one that gets targeted for robberies and lately they have gotten more daring, breaking in when they know people are home. Lots of homeowners have guns for protection in these neighborhoods, but here in the Los Angeles area it isn't easy to get a permit to carry, you need to know/pay someone or be a hollywood type. So around here, the only people carrying everywhere are criminals, and not law abiding citizens.
cooper8828
7 years ago
I back right off on road rage. I live in New Mexico and last year a father "provoked" another driver, who then shot a gun at the moving vehicle in retaliation. A young girl (the daughter of driver #1) was killed. Sitting right next to her brother.

However, when you mess with me at my home, I will not back down. I will not be viewed as weak and your next potential victim. Plus you already know where I live. I haven't had a lot of problems here but when I lived in a larger city, I always wondered if there would be a bullet through the window someday.
User
Original Author
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
I was in Santa Fe last year and heard on a local station about the killing of 4 year old Lilly Garcia in that horrendous road rage episode in Albuquerque. This sweet baby deserved to be able to live her life. There really aren't even adequate words to express this horror.

"The father told authorities that he was trying to exit the freeway when a red car forced him out of his lane, a police statement said.

Garcia said he threw up his hands and gestured towards the red car's driver, yelling an expletive at him, according to a criminal complaint obtained by CBS affiliate KRQE. He said the red car's driver said something in response, but he didn't know what.

Garcia said he accelerated to try and put distance between the two cars, and that's when he heard two shots strike his vehicle.

His son told him his sister was bleeding, according to the complaint.

Garcia said the red car continued to pursue him, and the driver fired twice more at his car."
grapefruit1_ar
7 years ago
My DD's boss ( a mild-mannered CPA) was leaving a pro football game when he and a fan from the opposing team got into some altercation....apparently some punches thrown. He went home to his wife and three kids, said he had a headache and went to bed. His wife found him dead in bed the next morning.
sealavender
7 years ago
This hits close to home. I think it was about 2 years ago, in the parking lot of the supermarket in my suburban neighborhood, my SO, my 90+ yo mom, and I got into the car after dinner. The 30+ yo man in the passenger seat got out of the SUV parked next to us and started screaming about my SO dinging his wheel well. I heard nothing and really didn't see any ding, but he wouldn't stop screaming. As I shifted into reverse to leave, he started taking photos of my car, the license plate, continuing on that I was leaving the scene of an accident. At that point, I called the police myself; I was very scared. They came and that de-escalated it; they seem puzzled. He had little kids in his SUV; a woman (his wife?) was driving. She said nothing. It was all very odd. One just never knows.
chispa
7 years ago
Probably good to have front and rear dashcams in a vehicle and also record any strange events on your cellphone with photos/video.
gsciencechick
7 years ago
This is the south. I pretty much assume people are armed.
monicakm_gw
7 years ago
the only people carrying everywhere are criminals, and not law abiding citizens.

Except for the law abiding citizens that know you can't out run a bullet. Criminals will be criminals. They don't follow the rules. So I can be a victim or I can increase my chances of survival by leveling the playing field. If a gun toting burglar has a choice of breaking into a house where he knows it's protected by firearms or one that has no firearms, which one is he likely going to break into? Strict gun laws don't protect the law abiding citizens. They protect the criminals. Just ask the citizens of Chicago.

Luckily I've never encountered any road rage nor have I seen any public display of violence. I had to drive from east Texas to west of Fort Worth a few years ago, by myself. I took my .38 pistol with me. I didn't need it thank goodness but ask me how glad I was that I had it when my GPS (and a detour) took me to places I didn't even know existed...at night...all alone. Not a night this small town country girl EVER wants to repeat :(
User
Original Author
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
Reports indicate that the man who shot and killed the 28-year old in the parking lot of my grocery store was a "law-abiding citizen" with a concealed carry permit. Had he not been armed, however, the 28-year old young man would in all likelihood not be dead.

I wasn't going to make this about guns, but I am so revolted by the constant - and I do mean constant - gun deaths in this country. It's beyond sickening. The "stand your ground" law is especially insidious IMO.
texanjana
7 years ago
What a sad commentary on our society that these incidents have become commonplace. I had an unsettling experience at the grocery store last week. There were two cars driving into the parking lot in front of me. They went ahead and I was trying to move ahead when a woman parked in a parking space decided to back out in front of me without even looking. There was not room for her to fully back out, and there were two cars right behind me so I could not back up. When she was about to hit my car, I lightly tapped my horn. Uh oh! She then proceeded to gesticulate wildly and kept motioning for me to back up. I couldn't back up! Fianlly the car right behind me saw what was happening and turned down a row to the left so I was then able to back up. It turned out the angry woman was wanting to park in the space next to the one she had been in because there was standing water in hers. I let her out when I could and proceeded to a space far from her.

I watched her from my window while shielding my face with my umbrella. I was afraid she was going to come over to my car. She was probably in her sixties. I then went into the store and saw her a couple of aisles over almost run over an elderly woman with her cart. She was either having a very bad day or was an angry person. I remember thinking in the parking lot that she was lucky I was not an unstable person with a gun, or maybe I was the lucky one. I guess tapping one's horn is not even allowed now.
User
Original Author
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
I broke my promise to myself this morning. I laid on my horn when some moron in an SUV rode my tail in the far right lane, then wildly swerved around me and got right back in front of me - in the pouring rain. It was like I had no control over myself -- my hands went to the horn and just pounded it, long and loud.

How stupid of me! Anyone who would drive like he did IS NOT ALL THERE!

You see? I've still got a long way to go in suppressing the behavior that could get me killed, even as I write to warn others. Damn it all.

(Oh, and said moron left the freeway at the next exit. Why he could not have simply waited behind me for a few seconds is beyond me. I guess my traveling at 60 mph in a 65 mph zone as the rain came down in sheets was unreasonable.)
cooper8828
7 years ago
IdaClaire, that was the story I was talking about. It was heartbreaking. There was even some public outcry about the father not getting charged with anything like child endangerment (there was a little more to the story later) because he "provoked" the other driver. How sad it all was.
MtnRdRedux
7 years ago
Not to bash men, but this is where having less testosterone helps. Most women avoid physical altercations at all costs. Good for us.

What horrible anecdotes!
JustDoIt
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
Ok, I've got to chime in here with a couple of points:

1. Life can be pretty stressful these days for everybody. I agree most of the horrible stories of someone dying over some silly run-in with another person usually involves men. However, I am a 56 year old female nerd. If I can get aggressive, it is surely not an overdose of testosterone. Just life is very stressful and you never know what someone else is going through.

In my case I think it is mostly work stress. I can get mad at the simplest things, especially when driving. I drive a big, fast, aggressive car and my level of anger increases exponentially when a Toyota Prius, old Hyundai or any other 4 cylinder car drives in the left hand lane. The left lane is for 75 mph and above only!

I am working on my aggressive driving and have discontinued (at the pleading of my brother) the bad habit of throwing the finger when someone on the road makes me mad. I'm in Texas and folks here believe in guns.

2. The best advice I've read and try to tell myself (it's a work in process) and young nieces and nephews at every opportunity: You don't have to go to every fight you are invited to!
cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
I work with students with emotional disabilities and behavioral issues. One thing I repeat over and over to them is the question, "Who can you control?" We talk about how none of us can control another, but we can control and choose how we react when others do something we don't like or that us hurtful to us. My kiddoes now answer "Myself" to my question. It has only taken half the school year. Baby steps.
Funkyart
7 years ago
I am a pretty direct person but I am very unlikely to come to words with someone over something they did unintentionally. That said, I do mumble and swear as I drive.. and on the morning of Christmas Eve, I told my sister I was going to have to put a bow on my middle finger because I'd presented it to a couple of people on my drive to her house!

That said, I had a very frightening experience with road rage a few months ago. I was first in line at a light at a bottleneck where a well traveled road bends and is crossed by traffic coming down off a bridge. I had come over the bridge and was in the far right lane-- the lane that either goes straight or turns to the right (and is clearly marked as such). The right lane can turn right on red but it is a heavy traffic area and at that time of night, you must stay in the right lane if you are going straight at the next light (rather than turning)-- which I did. The guy behind me was in a truck-- and clearly wanted to turn right. Being a bridge, there was no shoulder or way for him to go around me which apparently enraged him. I heard the commotion and profanities but I couldn't see him in my rear view and didn't realize he was screaming at me. I happened to catch a glimpse of him in my side mirror -- he had his entire torso out the driver side window as he screamed and shook his fist at me. I have honestly never seen anyone so angry or so aggressive. Ever. He was crazed-- perhaps drunk but certainly in some kind of altered mental state. When I realized I he was directing all that rage at me, I was so stunned and shook up, I couldn't think or react. In the end, I think that was best. All I could do was stare straight ahead and breath deep breaths as I waited for the light to change. I shook the entire way home.

Life is too short and too precious for this kind of anger. A ding on the door is unfortunate.. but it's surely fixable. A 2 minute delay at a light is but a miniscule bleep in the day. As I said, I grumble and swear under my breath in the car.. I give the occasional finger. In the scheme of things these are very small shows of aggression but I do vow to call myself on it going forward.
LaLennoxa 6a/b Hamilton ON
7 years ago
I witnessed some road rage a few years ago in The UK that was a bit shocking. I was walking on the streets of London and I heard some commotion. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but two cars had stopped at a light (it was a very narrow curved single lane street) one in front of the other, and angry words were being exchanged. Then, before you knew it, the driver in the first car, jumped out, ran to the car behind him, yelled some more, then proceeded to kick in the car's door, leaving significant damage. Then ran back to his car and raced off - all in the time it took for the light to change.
czarinalex
7 years ago
I had a similar experience as Funkyart. Except it was the middle of the afternoon in the center of our town. I was turning left out of a parking lot onto a 2 lane road. The left lane goes straight, the right lane is for turning only. I made my left, the car in front of me stopped to let someone else go ahead and I was stuck blocking the right hand turn lane with nowhere to go until the light changed. I had my young teens in the car, the car behind me was driven by a women with small children in her car. The woman went absolutely apesh*t on me. Screaming obscenities, leaning on her car horn, her whole torso out of the car window. This is a big intersection with a long light. It was shocking and frightening. I told my kids to roll up the windows and lock the doors. The rage incited by being delayed by a few minutes was unbelievable.
chispa
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
FinallyHome brought up something that also annoys me when driving. The truth is that people/drivers seem to be more clueless or stupid these days. 20 years ago people would move out of the left/passing lane when a faster car came up behind them. A quick flask of your highbeams and people would move to the right, let you pass and then move back in behind you.

Now, people just feel entitled to just mosey along in the left lane, even when all the traffic is having to change lanes and pass them on the right! If you blow your horn at them they still don't get it and will continue to stay in the left lane. And forget using a quick flash of the high beams, they don't understand that at all.

On many highway trips I just stay in the right/slow lane and use it as the passing lane ... I have to do this because all the slower drivers are in the left lane and won't move out of it. Some times on a 4 lane highway all the traffic will be in the 2 left lanes and no one will be in the 2 right lanes.

When did they stop teaching basic highway driving rules?

I need to visit Germany and drive on the autobahn! ;-)
User
Original Author
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
I'm amazed at how many people in my area think that you can turn left out of a center lane that isn't marked as such. I was hit by someone turning left from the center lane as I attempted to turn left from the left lane as I was leaving my office a number of years ago, and she got out of the car just ranting and raving that she had the right to turn from that lane, because that's how it was in New York where she was from. The police officer who arrived on the scene gently informed her that that's not the law in my area. I see this every single day though. Just this morning a woman turned left from the right lane onto a freeway overpass. There was a big truck-trailer rig in the left lane and I was behind him, and we were both turning left. This woman attempted to turn left and almost got hit by the truck as he made his turn. I am really convinced that many people on the road these days are vastly ignorant of traffic laws, seeming to believe that what holds true in one part of the country holds true in another. That's simply not the case.
carolb_w_fl_coastal_9b
7 years ago
Wow! This made me recall the father who was shot & killed @ a movie theater here in FL awhile back. He angered a retired cop by texting the family's babysitter.

I also have a question - & forgive me if it's been answered & I missed it.

Were there witnesses to attest to the fact that the dead man claimed to have a gun? If not, there is only the word of the living man.

And what about the guy who recently shot up an airport baggage claim w/ his lawfully owned gun? The response from some was 'we need more guns', but then, that's always the response of some after such horrors.
cattyles
7 years ago
Those things that drive some of us crazy in Texas are probably not going to get better. Everyone I know with high school kids is doing their own drivers' ed. I'm not sure what happened to the old standard classroom course followed by driving with a teacher but it's a thing of the past. So all the new drivers are learning the bad habits of their parents.
tishtoshnm Zone 6/NM
7 years ago
I'm not sure what happened to the old standard classroom course followed by driving with a teacher but it's a thing of the past.

What happened is budget cuts. Some states require that the kids attend an actual driving school (private) but that often means that the only ones attending are those whose parents can afford it.
chispa
7 years ago
Well, I'm teaching my teens to use the darned turn signals when they drive. I use mine all the time and I expect them to learn that too. Many drivers around here have no idea what that stalk on their steering column does!
monicakm_gw
7 years ago
I am really convinced that many people on the road these days are driving under the influence of mind altering drugs (that includes alcohol) whether it be legal or illegal drugs. Many are driving distracted (phones, kids), people who are just mad at the world and looking for a confrontation, the UNDEReducated and the "entitled" MFers (Me First!)

Not judging but I'm shocked to read that some of your actually flip people off :o When I see that happen I consider that road rage as well. And when there are children in the car I feel so sorry for the them :( But, you may feel the same way knowing I protect myself with a gun while traveling distances. If I lived in a large city, I'd have one all the time!
kittymoonbeam
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
It used to be acceptable to flash your lights or signal with your horn but now it's become rude and people will get angry if you do. However, if someone does it to me, I let them pass ASAP. Angry people need to be on their way, far away from me. When we are angry, we are using the primitive part of the brain, not the reasoning part and we make bad decisions. When you feel angry, you need to stop driving or anything requiring good decision making. After your body processes the adrenaline, the anger will subside and reason will come. If you feel enraged, you need to work the adrenaline out of your body with running or something. I never made a good decision in anger.

On backing down and just walking away ...

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