There are a number of issues at work here... And it sounds like you thought your 'belle' might be the solution to all your problems, and jumped in too quickly -- but now, you're seeing the flaws, and there are lots of them. First off, the immigration solution you contemplate is illegal. Not to mention the harm it would do to your daughter. There are many kind and loving women who would accept you, your children and your HIV status. Of course, you have to be available and unattached to look for them. Secondly, your daughter's attention-seeking is also very, very normal. What child would not want to see her father before heading off to school? And what normal child would not want frequent reassurance from the parent who clearly loves her when forced to live with an adult who clearly doesn't and constantly nit-picks. Thirdly, your "belle's" manner of correcting the children is harsh, demeaning, degrading, and perhaps worst of all, contagious. Witness how her own children now scream back at her. Is this the type of conflict resolution or parental correction you want your children to learn? Frankly, 'belle' is not the b-word I would choose to describe this woman. You sound like a gentle man with a lovely way with words. Don't you want your children to learn how to use kind words and deeds to solve their problems? To me, this point is so, so important. And finally, to your HIV status. You should not be forced to keep a secret like that in your own home. Living a lie, as if you were, in fact, a pariah, the way certain unenlightened elements of society may portray you... Every day you 'sneak', you validate that treatment. But at the same time, I am sensitive to the legal and practical realities of things -- Is there an HIV-support center where you could find how courts generally rule in cases like these? You don't want to cost this woman her children... On the one hand, given what we now know of HIV and 'casual transmission' chances, I don't think it's any of the kids' father's business what your medical status is. But on the other, as a parent, if my child were living with someone with HIV, I would want to be sure he was taking all appropriate steps to keep himself safe. Bottom line -- Lose this 'belle' and the last point becomes moot.

Apparently, my navigation took me the shortest route and obviously didn't know someone put a chain across the road. I did a google map and looked at it from a satellite and saw an alternate road in. I got better directions from that and instead of the short route (37 miles), I had to go 58 miles but I found it. Unfortunately, nobody was home so i go back in the morning.

I could be wrong but I read in the original post that the 4 y/o is a she, not a he. Nic25, this is a real dilemma for you. If, indeed, her mother is dead set on alienating these kids from you, in all likelihood, as Sylvia wrote you on 7/19, they will be alienated from you. On the other hand, occasionally efforts at alienation fail because, as JNM wrote, sometimes as kids grow up, they begin to see the disconnect between what they have been told and the reality of their own experience. Ultimately, you have to know yourself. Stepfamilies are not for sissies. When you have one parent actively attempting to sabatoge the household of the other parent, lots of hurtful things occur. It takes a VERY thick skin; you have to KNOW whatever the kids may say is not about you, but the result of a pathological dynamic between two people who couldn't figure out a way to live with each other before you ever came along. You and your BF/future DH absolutely have to "have each other's backs." This doesn't mean your BF needs to choose you over his children; it just means he needs to understand where his children's behavior is stemming from. The kids are victims in the war between the adults. The thing with wars is they only go on as long as at least two parties engage in them. This means your BF has to emotionally detach from his X and deal with her strictly on a "business" level. Stick to the legal agreement reached in the divorce; be as amicable as possible; if the X wants to play games with the agreement,document, document, document and let the lawyers handle it. If you are a sensitive person whose feelings are easily hurt, you very well may want to take several steps back and really do some soul-searching. It may be that a man who already has children is not the ideal situation for you. That's OK. It isn't a character flaw or a reflection of your worth as an individual. I would ask myself, "Is this what I want my life to be if this is what life is going to be like with my boyfriend and his children?" If your answer is "yes" and you think you are up to facing the challenge of living a life with constant negativity from his children and their mother, then I encourage you to begin working to strengthen your internal reserves of patience and perseverance. You will need them. If your answer is "no," then for your sake, your BF's sake, and, most of all, the sake of his children, you need to gently and decisively, remove yourself from their lives and get on with yours. I do not envy you this difficult and painful situation.

"Ima, FD clearly said, as you quoted EVERY TIME. Which means just what is said." What are you babbling about??? I only addressed TOS. I didn't say anything to FD. "In that case it is up to the mother to convince her daughter to come - which shouldn't be too hard if she has "big plans." Presumably if her daughter didn't want to go because her mother had embarrassed her by yelling at her in public, she would have to sense to apologize. It is not, however, acceptable to cancel at the last minute - either the parent or the child - except in an emergency." Agreed. The father in OP's situation should be allowed to try to convince his children to come see him. He has big plans (a wedding) and without knowing them, nobody can say how the kids feel about it. If they resent dad getting married, then of course they'd refuse to go. But, if mom has guilted them into declining, then he should try to convince them how important it is for them to be there. It really isn't acceptable to cancel at all (not just last minute) unless something more important (emergency) were to come up. If the kid has a championship or activity they are really looking forward to, dad should understand. If they have no plans, then they should be encouraged to spend time with the other parent. The parent should only cancel if they might lose their job or some other major reason, not because they just don't feel like it or they have a date or some stupid reason that is going to make their child feel unimportant. Showing our children they are a priority will teach them how to prioritize their own lives. (and I kinda think that is what finedreams is saying and I agree. If the parent doesn't show them they are their priority, then eventually, the child will decide on his/her own that the parent isn't a priority either) [makes me think of that song: cat's in the cradle]