To some extent, the situations are different. In one, the step daughter lived in another state, and they only saw her during the summer. When her mother finally remarried, she married really well, but my friend and her husband were struggling financially, in low paying jobs. My friend went on to have two children, and they became a real family. They resented sending child support for his daughter who they rarely saw, and had little imput in her life. And it really ripped my friend that they had to send support to his ex-wife who now had a well-to-do husband, the house, car, jewelry...that my friend would never have. My friend resents everything about this woman. Another friend ...she does not want the influence of a teenager around her children, and she resents that her husband just bought his son a brand new (expensive) car, without asking her, because he felt guilty about the divorce. Another...they have custody of his children...and only one of the three was really respectful of her. She had a terrible time with the oldest daughter for a long time...even though the kids real mom abandoned them. The father was raising them alone when she met him. She too has gone on and had "their" kids. For a long time, she only sent me christmas cards with "her kids" in the picture...even though the other kids lived with them 100% of the time. They have moved out of state, and I will have to call her and catch up. And one other friend had one little girl with her new husband. She totally resented his ex-wife, and his two kids who were about 12-14 when she married her husband. It got to the point where she hated all of them, including her husband, for a long time...but she stayed in the marriage...perhaps for financial reasons as he was a good provider. They are still married, and their little girl is almost 16 now. It still is not wonderful with "his" kids who are now adults. She has always resented money being sent to his ex for support. They all knew going in ...but I suppose it is another thing living it. And I know many ex-wives out there continually "stir-the-pot" in many ways. But so do many new wives...creating strife...for some reason.

My heart feels for you Ceph. I had it easy because we were married in Vegas and the nice little chapel we were at did all the leg work. We did have to make some choices though and one was the corsages. We did get corsages for all immediate parents and my grandmother.... including my husbands step mom. Although she is not him mother, she does plan an important role in his life. The bottom line is this is your wedding. You need to do what is right for you...no one else. When you look back on things, how will you feel about choices. Will you regret not doing what your gut originally told you to do? Will it matter about the flowers or will she think the worst no matter what? Do you think you will be going through all this effort to please with no result? Some people just won't be pleased no matter what you do. Interesting side note, my father's significant other showed at our wedding. My dad passed in 2002 and I felt like I should invite his SO not thinking he would show for the wedding. I received his RSVP at the last minute. I was very nervous- my dad's SO's name is David. Now you can see why I was a little nervous. I didn't know how he would behave because - let's say- everyone knows when he walks into a room. To my surprise, he was very tame and when we did the toast, he was the only one the mentioned my Dad in a very respectable manner. He disappeared after the wedding. He didn't come to the dinner and I haven't heard from him since. I did sent a framed picture of him, my husband and I to him at Christmas. In the end, I was very glad he was there. I think I 'm telling this story just to say, sometimes people surprise you. I hope you can have that same kind of experience.

sorry, I thought i had posted it, but forgot and just wanted to give the update at the tail end. sorry for wasting the space.... rgds, Less_Lisamarie

Thanks My sister is a SM. She has such a good relationship with Bm and BMs family that when BMs mom was visiting (from out of town) she complained that we dont get to see [my sister) enough. I dont think my sister is a saint, but I do think that her SS would never have finished college wihout her help (and I think BMs family realizes that too). My sister would be the first to say she wasnt a mom, never tried to be a mom, etc. to the boy. He lived with them occassionnally. Bm and BF live close to each other. BM remarried before BF. SS now works in SDs business, in a job he could not qualify for without college degree. I think as someone said on another thread, it is OK for BM to acknowledge faults in child, but it is very difficult for BM to hear others (except BF), including SM, discuss same faults. I think a large part of my sisters success is she only exchanged pleasentries and said good things with BM and had the tough discussions with her DH. I think a lot of step problems result from DHs shirking parental responsiblies. I think a lot of them stems from typical family where wives take on more child care responsibilties, but it may not work so well with step children. I do understand that SMs dont want to hear about first wife, but on that point, I think they just have to tough it up (if it is coming from kids). They knew there were children involved from the getgo. I am bothered more by my DD telling me that X reminices about the good old days when we were first married, and that everything went downhill when DD was born. It bothers me becuase I dont like the message it sends DD. But there is nothing I can do. Other than buy a voodoo doll and stick pins in it.