Of course it is a hostess' obligation to try to make her guests comfortable and tolerate any variations they cause to the normal day to day routine of the house. This should not be too onerous for the hostess - because it is also incumbent upon the houseguests to do their best to make sure that they are pleasant, as little trouble as possible, and hopefully even do small things to show their appreciation for the hostess, if they can. Where I used to live, when my brother would come to visit he'd sleep on my sleeper sofa in the living room. As hostess, and one who got up earlier than him, I'd try to keep quiet so that he could sleep. In such a small place generally that meant I'd have to leave and run errands! When I'd return from errands, as guest, my brother would have sleeper sofa made back up and his personal belongings reasonably tidied up. Having or being a houseguest can be a bit stressful but so long as both parties try to think of what they can do to make it easier for the other person generally all goes fairly well. But, the problem here is that it sounds like the adult skids are not doing their part to follow any etiquette, and if only one party is expected to behave well (DannieB, by being expected to be an accommodating hostess) without any reciprocal attempts by the skids to be good guests, it is natural that she'd begin to feel put-upon and used. She's the hostess - she's not a maid, and she's being taken advantage of (letting their dog on someone's furniture?! Really?!) What if you're at work, and periodically someone runs over to doughnut shop across the street to get breakfast? A colleague might ask if you'd mind getting them a doughnut too, and offers to pay you. You, of course, say yes to the request and no to the offer of payment - it's a doughnut, for heaven's sake! And normally one doesn't quibble over who owes pocket change to whom. Fine - but what happens when ten months later you realize that you are always buying doughnuts for this one person? That person has never reciprocated? Yes, it's just a doughnut - but ten months worth of daily doughnuts start to add up, and no one likes to feel used. Most people are going to not say anything, not cause a scene - but just start quietly slipping out for doughnuts so the colleague doesn't know beforehand, and thus can't ask for another freebie at someone else's expense. DannieB has been putting up with this for twenty years. Her husband won't say anything, the "kids" can't be bothered, she can't tell the kids to go stay at a hotel - there are only two options left for her (well, three if you count divorce and/or murdering the skids, but they're both a bit extreme, LOL!). One is to keep putting up with this, and I'm unaware of any rule of etiquette which says that anyone is obligated to repeatedly put themselves into a position in which they know that they will be taken advantage of, anymore than doughnut person is required to keep announcing intentions to get doughnuts and thus cornered by good manners into buying them, or two, to remove herself from this equation by going to a hotel herself.

I agree with Maria on this one. Your BF was thinking only of his son, and his need to be there for his son. Pure biology at work. As a man, he probably did not ever consciously think of his own need for emotional support, which is where you would come in. As a woman, it's instinctive for you to know that in times of trouble, regardless of the trouble, that we need the ones we love gathered around us to provide emotional support. Most men think in terms of solving the problem, and for your BF, solving the problem meant sitting by his son's bedside. You couldn't solve that particular problem, so you didn't factor into the equation. It's good that your BF gets along with his Ex, and that you do too. It might be a nice gesture to write her a note saying that you've followed her son's progress closely through your BF's reports, and how glad you are to hear he's doing better. That you stayed away to give them the time and space they needed as his parents -- to be considerate of their feelings, not because you didn't care. Maybe send a ham, or a fruit basket? Something someone who's spent every hour sitting at the hospital instead of cooking of grocery shopping could use and appreciate?

At 23 he is an adult and is responsible for his own life. I agree I would not let him move back into my home. You have 2 young children and are exposed to a potentially dangerous situation. A counselor will tell you and DH the same thing. I had a situation where I met with a counselor specializing with drugs and I learned a lot. They are very manipulative people and are only concerned with getting their next high. They are also 'me' people, they only think of themselves. If he doesn't have money to get drugs he will start stealing and you are the easiest target and the least likely to report him to the police. You can NOT force him into rehab and if you find a way (I did!!) he will not cooperate so it's a huge waste of time and money. I was also blamed as the reason he took drugs. It hurts, but don't fall to their level by playing the game. Sounds like DH feels much guilt and is to close to the problem, so you need to find a person you can trust that is objective and will give you good advice. Most successful rehabs take years, and many relapses in between. My friend's 16 yo nephew died this past weekend. He was a good student and just starting his senior year. He came over to her house Saturday night and did not wake up the next day. Very sad and such a waste of a young life that showed so much promise. Our newspaper had front page statistics of drug overdoses Sunday. The drug of choice now is prescription pain killers and they are very addictive and take too many and you just go to sleep and don't wake up. It is a very stressful situation and I wish you and yours the best. Remember he will only change when he wants too, you can't make him.

These are not little children, nor are they really all grown up ready to be on their own as 'adults'. Sure, age wise might say they are, but reality shows the boys have been allowed (encouraged?) to more or less have things the way they like. I imagine living with Dad and/or dividing their time between Mom's home and Dad's home has been pretty much extremely enjoyable for the boys. Best of both worlds per a teens view: man cave with Dad and Mom herself never personally moving on...the boys have not had to adjust. No, they don't want or need you as a 'mother figure'. They have a mother. Nope, they aren't taking well to a lady now living in Dad's man cave either...pfff, here comes this lady raining on their parade. Dad has made numerous blunders. "Well yeah", pretty much sealed evil as forever being a part of stepmother for you. But it also clearly states that your husband is not perhaps entirely in agreement with you and the changes you desire and are attempting to make. More, he's willing to let you make some changes to please you...but he was pretty much happy the way his home was before you decided their should be expectations and rules. Buying a new home overall for husband and you to start out in and create 'your' home (you/DH) would have perhaps been better and easier for all. A house the boys are not as familar with and don't think of as 'their' house and you the outsider crashing their man cave. Is it too late to consider buying a house and starting the newly married couple home afresh? And no, sending a letter to Mom is bad idea. It will amount to striking a match and tossing another log onto her already burning fire. Don't give her more fuel. Husband needs to discuss whatever with Mom, and husband needs to be the one doing the communicating with her. If he's not willing to tell Mom that he's capable of running his own home, you've got another whole new problem. Whatever for whatever reason is between them needs to be dealt with between them. If he can't stand up to her, he either does not want to or is afraid to. He's got to learn (or grow the b*lls) to defend himself and stand as a man in control of his own life...you can't do that for him.