It never ends...

7 years ago

last modified: 7 years ago

Well, DH and I recently retired and moved to the town where his oldest son lives. DH's XW lives about a day's drive away in the same town where DH's other two adult children reside. The oldest son's in-laws are somewhat wealthy, with several homes in the US and overseas. In the past, the XW has, on occasion, been invited to spend a holiday here and there with the son's in-laws. Prior to our recent move here, it had been a while since the XW had shared a holiday with them (the son's in-laws). This has changed dramatically in the months since we've moved here. She spent two weeks with them in southern CA at Thanksgiving; she was back in southern CA and here for two weeks at Easter.

Recently, DH's daughter was excited to plan with DH to visit us over July 4th. Turns out, part of the plan is to enjoy the fireworks with her brother, his family and his in-laws at the in-laws' lake house...along with DH's granddaughter who will be here for a couple weeks over the holiday...with her grandmother, DH's XW...mind you, DH had mentioned to his daughter earlier this year about having the granddaughter come spend a week or so with us over the summer...only now to find out the granddaughter will indeed be here, staying at the home of DH's son with DH's XW...

DH's grandson's birthday is next month...DH's son has already let his dad know there will not be one birthday party with both sides of the grandson's family...the in-laws will have one party and DH and I are invited to plan some other celebration for the grandson...

DH and I have been together for 21 years, married 19. This is basically half of his oldest son's life (and more than half the lives of his other son and daughter). DH's grandchildren have only known him and me to be together...even after all this time, it still feels as if DH is a second class citizen...relegated to the leftovers. It is as if there is no end to the slights dealt out by his children. It is just wierd that we move out here and all of the sudden, the XW is spending every holiday with the son and son's in-laws.

I'm glad when we chose to retire here, we made certain that we wanted to be here, regardless of whether or not his son and the son's family was here. If we had moved here solely with the idea we would be closer to the son and grandson, we would be sorely disappointed...even more than we are already.

Featured Answer

Southern Summer

7 years ago

Whatever DH is willing to accept will be the precedent that is set to go forward. He can either call everyone out now, and set a new standard, or you can both prepare for a rough ride ahead. "A day's drive" does not seem too close, but depending on the players involved, it can be a nightmare. It seems like your husband needs to quit being the middle man for all of this toxic nonsense and either call a halt to all of this, or you need to adjust your expectations, because this is just the beginning.

Comments (6)

share_oh
7 years ago
No doubt XW feels threatened by your move and now she's making sure her presence is still known! So sorry you have to deal with this kind of stuff all these years later! It's good you moved there because you wanted to and not because of the kids. I hope you enjoy your retirement and don't let them get you down!
wrychoice1
Original Author
7 years ago
Well, I am certain that is the case...what surprises me though is the invitations have to be coming from the DIL and her parents...invites that weren't forthcoming until recently. It's funny, we had been here only a couple weeks when DH's grandson had a holiday program that we were invited to come see. The DIL's parents were there, too. We all went out to dinner afterwards. I was sitting across from the DIL's mother and, since we'd just moved to town, she was extolling the virtues of our new home, assuring me how much I was going to like it here. In the course of the conversation, she mentioned she was going to have her hair done the next day and I casually responded that this was one of the things I had to do --- find someone new to cut and style my hair. Initially, she offered to speak to her hairdresser...and almost as soon as she did, a look of near horror came over her face and she immediately began walking back her offer, saying she didn't think the woman who does her hair was taking new clients, etc etc...but that she would ask her and would call me the next day to let me know, one way or the other. That was 5 months ago and I haven't spoken to her since. It is all just very strange...it is a dynamic that I cannot believe continues after two decades. To me, it is crazy!
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Sunny Days
7 years ago
After 21 years, it seems like DH and the XW could attend family functions together without it being awkward. Have you tried talking to the family about it? Also, I noticed you know an awful lot about what and where XW spends her time. Why is that?
wrychoice1
Original Author
7 years ago
"Have you tried talking to the family about it?" Yes. "Also, I noticed you know an awful lot about what and where XW spends her time. Why is that?" DH talks to his children and they mention their mother's plans.
puzzy38
6 years ago
Glad to hear you and your husband made it, he really Loves you. I just feel like a used up RAG! Praying

It never ends...

Southern Summer

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